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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 11:56 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2015 4:32 pm
Posts: 76
As my workshop draws to an end and I'm heading out to live my life in a healthy, value based way, I have one question that has plagued me for sometime now. I am currently alone, as my addiction ripped apart my former partner and I had to let her go. I'm not bitter about it, I am still sad at times but I know now that the things I put her through just weren't fair to ask anyone to stay. She is moving on and I'm finding peace in that. I am actually happy for her and to an extent I am happy inside too. I now know that even though I caused her so much pain and suffering, she has been able to regain her smile and learning to trust again. That has taken a huge amount of guilt, shame, stress off my plate. We continue to be great friends and she finding forgiveness for me. Back to my question though, how does one tell a potential partner that I had a sexual addiction/recovering from and not have them run for the hills? One of my core values is to be honest and forthcoming. As I get to a point where I will be moving on with my life and potentially meeting a new partner. I don't want to start off with a lie or omission (same as a lie for me)! Any ideas out there on how to best approach this tender subject? Any and all views, ideas, and experiences would be welcomed and greatly appreciated.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2016 9:59 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
I think you need to rank the level of your addiction against other important information you would deem necessary to share, and open up when that ranking tells you it's time. I know what you are talking about here. I had someone tell me about her "many" suicide attempts when we had just started seeing each other, and it was entirely too soon. It wasn't that I was incapable of the emotional backstop she was looking for, but the timing told me she was looking for an emotional victim rather than a real relationship---one based in manipulation. That's why I say rank how you identify yourself and place sex addiction accordingly. I would think the time would appear when you start to share the more serious aspects of your life, or when you are wanting to take your relationship to a less than casual level. However, the exact timing needs to be your decision. Who knows? Your intuition might be good enough now to simply play it by ear.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 7:42 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2015 4:32 pm
Posts: 76
Thanks Coach Sandalwood. I appreciate you chiming in. Early on it really wasn't an issue for me. I chose to focus on my recovery versus find a relationship. From looking back on my past relationships I can honestly say they were based on wanting to have someone in my life, a fear of being alone to an extent. Basically it was always 2 broken people, neither in a place to have a real relationship. My ex was the first real woman who really loves me and did everything she could to help me. It opened my eyes to what a real relationship should look like. Unfortunately I was broken and drove her away through numerous destructive ways. She is still my biggest supporter and is still there for me when I need her, but as my friend. I learned a lot from her and our time together. I'd really like to find that again, but this time I want all the cards on the table right from the start, no hidden traps or holes out there. At this point I am still focused on building a healthy life and honing my values, boundries and decision making. So my past is still a bit of a nervous spot to talk about, but I am working through it. I just dont want to leave it to long and find that it becomes a sore spot for a potential partner. Thanks again for your input! I really appreciate it.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 4:19 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3686
Location: UK
Wanting
Coach S provided good sound advice
and your comment
Quote:
I want all the cards on the table right from the start, no hidden traps or holes out there.
shows that your intent is sound
:g: :g:

recovery includes not having any " traps "at all hidden or otherwise
hoping you get what you aspire to

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 9:54 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2015 4:32 pm
Posts: 76
Thanks Coach Kenzo!

Yes I do believe I am on the right track now. For the first time in my life I feel worthy and deserving of a real life, a whole life, a fulfilling life. Absolute honesty with myself is keeping me accountable and helping me live with integrity and self respect. I know the road is long and may have its pot holes and forks in it, but I finally feel in control were it leads. That's why I value honesty so much. It was the biggest thing missing in my life. I learned to manipulate, deceive, out right lie all to protect my addiction and my unwillingness to accept it or believe I had a problem. Thankfully T. came into my life and made me recognize and see what I was doing. I can honestly say that without her I probably would still wondering through my life in denial and jumping from one relationship to the next, always believing it was them, not me that had a problem. Those days are behind me! I value myself and honesty is helping to create the man I want to be. Thanks again for your support.


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