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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:38 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:48 pm
Posts: 18
Originally, I was going to write this post on the subject of masturbation. Hoewver, a woman just passed by my office (she wasn't very attractive, but not bad looking), and I got the urge to have sex with her. I had never seen her before. But, when I get to where I haven't had sex for a while with my wife, I find that in objectivfying people, both males and females, I think right away about seeking to satisfy my sexual feelings.
I have seen that being free from pornography for a period of time, coupled with abstinence from masturbation allows me to have a much better view of people. I am very much aware that in addition to pornography, there is an extreme need for me to abstain from masturbation. This feels like the old "cold turkey" feeling of stopping cigarette smoking that I went through so many years ago.
Does anyone else out there have similar thoughts? Or any thoughts that you can share with me? Thank you.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2016 11:11 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Hi Cant,
Because of extensive pornography use, you look at everyone as an object. Look at how you want to be looked at. A piece of meat ready to service people's physical desires, or a person with feelings, life goals, a sense of humor, etc. Objectification of yourself can definitely be a problem as well, but when you think about it that way you should see how degrading that is, and that you want to be thought of as much more than that.

As far as masturbation, that is more of a personal choice, and one that needs to be part of your value system. If the thoughts that go through your mind are a problem, identity them and work on how to deal with the feelings that are brought about by them.

You don't have to screw it up, but you have to deal with it.
Rel8ed2


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2016 9:41 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:48 pm
Posts: 18
Man!!! I really thank you for your expression. :g: It is so sadly ironic to me that I never thought about how I want others to think about me. This really illustrates to me just how warped pornography rewired my brain. To the point of wanting (even expecting) people to view me as a human, while at the same time viewing them sexually. !D
I never fully understood the idea of objectifying a person. But your response, being so timely, has certainly helped. How unloving and selfish this behavior is. With clear thinking I do hate it. I will try to sustain and even feed this hatred. I learned from this forum. I do not have over confidence. But I am aware of the dark road that I am on. Thank you once again.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 4:37 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Hi Can't

You got a great from Rel8 I think, and I like your second post. My worry about your first would be how the opening part - objectifying a woman who you declare isnt attractive - relates to your point that abstaining from masturbation 'allows me to have a much better view of people'.

I relate. One of the shocks about coming here was not only realising that I was (am) a porn addict, but the depths of my objectificaiton of other people. As Rel8 wisely says this revealed a lot about me - not about other people.

For me, this need for clarity was behind my own personal decision to abstain from masturbation - or indeed any unhealthy, over-stimulating action that could warp my perspective.

As Rel8 notes, this is a personal decision - there is no right and wrong. But what I found was that porn addiction was partly a way for my to detach from the pressures of reality - my relationship, work, family. Whatever.

One way to balance this out is to learn to calm your mind. This is vital to learn the honesty and clarity you need to work through the workshop in a way that will help.

The kind of casual objectification you describe is a real challenge to, well, challenge. we need to confront our past, our underlying experiences and prejudice - what we really think about women, sex, relationships and ourselves in relation to it.

Objectification is, as Rel8 says, a way to feel good about ourselves. We don't care what the person is really like - only the way they appear to us. What we can get out of it.

This is something to be aware of when you are going through your day. Build in breaks to review your behaviour. Ask:

have I obejectified anyone?
How did I do it?
What am I getting out of it?
What could I do differently?

Then try to build that awareness into your day - AS IT IS HAPPENING. If you are staring and fantasising, stop it, step back and consider how else you could relate to the person in question.

I hope this helps. A good subject to raise.
Shaw


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