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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 4:05 pm 
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I asked myself this question in my personal thread but now throw out that same question for others to ask themselves

My ex is healing but carries scars inflicted by my acting out



have I damaged her permanently?

I hope that my honesty and actions are now helping rather than as was previously , harming
Is there anything that I could do that I am not doing? and if so why not?
Only I can answer that question but this general question could provoke interest in this community forum
why not ask yourself?

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 12:45 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
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A great question to remember . . .a hard one to remember . . .

I asked myself this question in my personal thread but now throw out that same question for others to ask themselves

My ex is healing but carries scars inflicted by my acting out

have I damaged her permanently?

In my case we are still together . . .she is a saint . . .and yes, I believe that there is permanent damage that I have caused . . .the "PTSD" type of bombshell I dropped on her as to my secret life leaves little doubt that I will never be viewed the same and her psyche has been affected. She is doing remarkably well but there are days when the reality of who I was crops up and I need to patiently let her process through the mental agony . . .remember that I caused all of this. Ugh!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 3:49 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
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This is a tough question. I know that I owe it not only to myself but also to her to keep working on my recovery and to keep talking about the shame I still feel from my past misdeeds. We both agree that we can never make sense of some of the things that I did, so all I can do is focus on health and being absolutely honest every moment of the day. Letting go of guilt and shame takes a while...


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:36 pm 
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I really like the thought that what I did was so irrational that, I / we may never totally make sense of what I was doing . . .the difficult part for her is that she was and is a rational thinker . . .I on the other hand was not thinking rationally . . .it is very difficult for her to think in irrational terms . . .as I look back on what I was doing I can hardly fathom what I was doing, as I am a more rational thinker these days after restoring many of the values and mindsets that I, at least, use to say I believed in and acted upon . . .

in many ways my actions of the past seem almost to be surreal to me . . .like watching a really bad movie . . .how freeing it is to not be living in that past.

As was stated and I cannot reiterate any stronger . . .be honest in EVERYTHING . . .focus on the renewed values that I am living by.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 9:09 am 
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Hi Gents
Quote:
I / we may never totally make sense of what I was doing


I relate to this totally
the fact is that there was no sense to what I was doing
what did I get out of it?
momentary high that constantly needed feeding further
what else guilt and shame in abundance

so how can that make sense

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 11:56 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
The puzzling part of recovery is that my wife cannot think irrationally . . .I was there . . I am now thinking rationally but there is like no understanding because of the fact that she cannot understand how anyone could possilbly think that way . . .and when that truth comes to the forefront of her mind she knows that I was capable of thinking that way one time and wonders if/when/how that might ever come back . . .occasionally I wonder the same thing . . .but I have it ingrained in my mind that I cannot/will not return to that line of thinking or decsion making . . . I have been restored from the ashes once . . .that was a miracle . . .to go there again would be certifiable insanity and I would have to be committed to an institution . .

Thanks for the conversation and encouragement . . .it seems like there are not very many current participants out there right now . . .I know they/we are out there and need to communicate and recover!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:12 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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An opportune time for me to revisit the RN and the forums. This is a very pertinent question. I have no doubt, and I have been reminded again tonight, that I have damaged my wife. I cannot say that it is permanent, because we cannot see what is, say, 20 years in the future, but there is no doubt that there is damage and it only takes small incorrect actions on my part to bring it all up to the surface again. There are times when the damage seems very distant and there are times when it seems just below the surface and she is hanging on to just get through a day, Some of that can be out of my control (e.g. her work situtaion or colleagues etc) but a large part of it is within my control and if I choose to act in a selfish, isolating or concealing manner, then she waves a red flag and all her anxieties and concerns are front and centre. As mentioned above, it comes back to honesty and communication. When I follow my plan, meditating, reading and writing on RN and/or my journal and communicating fully and openly and honestly with my wife, then we are both in a better place.

She is also a rational person and battles to comprehend irrational behaviour, so I can totally identify with what has been written here. A strong reminder for me to do what I should be doing and stay healthy and positive. Those of us who still have partners that we can communicate with must be forever grateful for that opportunity and situation. It's a whole lot better that being by oneself!

Thanks again Kenzo for your constant efforts at questioning yourself and contributing. You inspire me to keep working and challenging and questioning myself and looking to understand and improve myself. You are a truly valued member of this community :g:


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:08 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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DB wrote
Quote:
but I have it ingrained in my mind that I cannot/will not return to that line of thinking or decsion making . . . I have been restored from the ashes once . . .that was a miracle . . .to go there again would be certifiable insanity and I would have to be committed to an institution . .



Amen to that
I keep reminding myself that D Day was the BEST Worst day of my life,
Without it I may now have been dead

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:22 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
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Yes . . thank you for sharing and reminding each other of the results of our irrational thinking and behaviour . . . Be thankful for the times that we can share with our wives and the times when they see us as rational thinking value centered people that we are becoming, and not see us as the irrational people we once were!


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:11 pm 
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Is there anything that I could do that I am not doing?

Seems pretty obvious to me, OF COURSE THERE IS ......

There IS permanent damage to my Wife and to our relationship, not sure at this point if She will recover ...... or should turn away and move on.

Our "relationship" was nothing but a HUGE bundle of lies on my part, NOT something to even want to repair ... better to let it die and work on building something new from the ashes. Not much of the old me or relationship worth saving.

For me, irrational just doesn't describe my thinking, selfish insanity is closer, but just closer.

My work keeps me away from Home 4 nights and 5 days in an average week, coming Home on the weekend is bittersweet, seeing Her overwhelms me with emotions, love, pain, saddness, anger, shame (yes that's still there after all of this time, sorry Coach John)..... Seeing Her pain mixed with the saddness, anger, betrayal, complete lack of trust (COMPLETELY justified), disgust and slowly disappearing hope tears me apart emotionally and mentally. i accept all of this as consequences of my stupidity and selfishness.

Is there anything that I could do that I am not doing? There MUST be and searching for it is my job. Honesty .... i give Her that but i've also lied to Her so much that She doesn't believe much of anything i say, again COMPLETELY justified;

When we are together it seems that we are both extremely defensive, but i'm FAR worse .... i hear an attack in almost every statement She makes (feeling my emotions is still a scary, unfamiliar place for me even after all of this time) .... i've forced Her inner "sacastic-bitch" out into the open and Her anger, frustration and pain come boiling to the surface ....
i KNOW that She needs this to heal and i KNOW i did this to us and that my anger and frustration is really directed at myself, NOT Her, so i keep working my way through my recovery lessons and my recovery in my daily life, but sometimes the lonliness gets bad .... but i also know it's FAR worse for Her .... and i caused it ....

Forgive my rambling, not sure if any of this makes much sense but the question OP hit home HARD .....

And yes Kenzo, i'm still here, still "walking the walk" !!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 10:59 pm 
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Thanks for writing this post . . .it is almost to a "T" exactly the same for me . . .all my fault . . .

Quote:
When we are together it seems that we are both extremely defensive, but i'm FAR worse .... i hear an attack in almost every statement She makes (feeling my emotions is still a scary, unfamiliar place for me even after all of this time) .... i've forced Her inner "sacastic-bitch" out into the open and Her anger, frustration and pain come boiling to the surface ....
i KNOW that She needs this to heal and i KNOW i did this to us and that my anger and frustration is really directed at myself, NOT Her, so i keep working my way through my recovery lessons and my recovery in my daily life, but sometimes the lonliness gets bad .... but i also know it's FAR worse for Her .... and i caused it ....


Good to remember . . .that I am not alone in this reaction . . .completely my fault . . .


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:40 am 
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No DABack, you ae NOT alone ..... and there are a LOT of us here that feel like this, if we are being honest with ourselves

i KNOW that my hell is all of my own making and my beloved Wife's HELL is also all of my own making .....

i have passed so much of my shit down to my children, we perpetuate our mistakes by example, another lesson i've learned. Nothing that was intentional, but there nonetheless.

i've trid to talk to them, they don't want to listen, don't want to hear it, don't want to see it .... but neither did i until D day forced me to, and i fought it tooth and nail for tears aftr that even, almost destroying my marriage (still not sure about that), almost destroying my Wife, but She's MUCH stronger then anyone, even She knew ......

No DABack you are NOT alone ......


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:40 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
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No DABack, you ae NOT alone ..... and there are a LOT of us here that feel like this, if we are being honest with ourselves

i KNOW that my hell is all of my own making and my beloved Wife's HELL is also all of my own making .....

i have passed so much of my shit down to my children, we perpetuate our mistakes by example, another lesson i've learned. Nothing that was intentional, but there nonetheless.

i've trid to talk to them, they don't want to listen, don't want to hear it, don't want to see it .... but neither did i until D day forced me to, and i fought it tooth and nail for tears aftr that even, almost destroying my marriage (still not sure about that), almost destroying my Wife, but She's MUCH stronger then anyone, even She knew ......

No DABack you are NOT alone ......


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 7:30 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3539
Location: UK
62 wrote
Quote:
but neither did i until D day forced me to


he nailed it
Addicts do deny addiction, we are ok or at worst not that bad
D day does start to open our eyes but only starts
we still need to peel back all of those layers covering and protecting the addiction within us

Now post recovery I still am discovering

I have had no urges for some years now and have no triggers however my ex wife still gets triggered
we were watching a tv drama which had a scene in a brothel
no sex or nudity but still in a brothel
my was that a mood destroyer
should I have been more aware and thus foreseen the effect it would have on her?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 3:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 86
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
It's good to read the thoughts of fellow members of the, I still have a wife club.
We live parallel lives.

Quote:
Have I damaged her permanently?

Unfortunately I suspect that I have. I know her too well. She was trusting and giving and wanted little more than the live she thought she was living. She is strong and I have seen her reduced to rubble. All my doing.
Quote:
Is there anything that I could do that I am not doing? and if so why not?

Of course there is.
Because I'm still recovering and I am still to ignorant or still to selfish to see what needs to be done.
Deep down my core is changing and I must be encouraged and proud of that progress but I'm not the finished article yet and am still capable of saying the wrong thing which proves I'm still lacking in maturity.

Quote:
Thanks for the conversation and encouragement . . .it seems like there are not very many current participants out there right now . . .I know they/we are out there and need to communicate and recover!

This encouraged me to participate.
I imagine that there will be a number of lurkers as with any forum.
It generally surprises me the low amount of activity in the recovery workshop.
I got somewhere that 1% of the population could be affected by sex addiction in some form. That's 1 million Americans alone. Where is everybody?


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