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PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 3:40 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:14 pm
Posts: 3
Yesterday I watched porn and masturbated several times after not having done those things for thirty days. It was my longest time of abstinence since I've started to watch porn. During this time I developed a value set that I feel comfortable with and did the workshop up to lesson 29. I'm doing the workshop in my native language, so I don't have a recovery thread here.

The last couple of lessons about compulsive rituals and chains really helped me to see the extent of my addiction when it comes to non-sexual behaviors helping me to induce sexual compulsion. For instance, I was engaging in compulsive video gaming and internet browsing leading up to slip. So in a way my slip was already happening the day before. There were also a lot of pressure, anxiety and excitement days before the slip.

I was excited about a married coworker returning from her vacation next week and seeing me after my time of abstinence and the confidence that came with it. She usually dolls herself up and tries to get my attention after I reach seven days of abstinence and my testosterone levels are through the roof. I like her attention and was looking forward to see her reaction. Of course I know this is unhealthy, but I had to lie if I told you that I wasn't anticipating seeing her again.

There was also tv show released this week, that I was anticipating the past month. This show triggered me in the past. Not in a sexual way, but with emotions related to my childhood, which I then have to medicate through sexual compulsion. However, this time I was acting out before starting to watch the show. I used sexual compulsion to get me into a haze in order to increase the emotional stimulation from the show. I also acted against my value of physical health by ordering junk food and thus further increasing the stimulation. From time to time I took a break from binge watching and masturbated to porn again, keeping me in a dopamine high. I also was aware of what I was doing, but made the decision to keep doing what I did, because I was afraid that if I didn't watch every episode of the show, there was too much pressure to finish the show, causing me to reengage at a later time.

So in short the main part of this compulsive chain was watching the show and the emotions it caused me to feel. My sexual compulsion was just a means to further increase the stimulation of the chain. All the anxiety about the coworker and my general sense of loneliness was something I had to numb through the chain.

What are the consequences of my slip? Well, I'm already feeling less confident and my brain is still a bit foggy from the dopamine spikes. In social situation people will probably treat me with less respect, because they will subconsciously realize that something is off with me. But I accept this and keep my head straight. A personal consequence for me is that I will avoid tv shows and other multimedia stimulation for a while. I will also be on alert about my emotions about my coworker. I already limit my contact with her to a professional relationship, but my feelings are still there. My commitment to my values remains strong. I'm looking forward to the workshop lessons that deal with healthy decision making and urge control. I also want to move away from caring too much about counting days and moving more towards managing my emotions in a healthy way.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 8:38 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3539
Location: UK
Hello Valramad
Quote:
Yesterday I watched porn and masturbated several times after not having done those things for thirty days.

OK it can and unfortunately does happen but that does not mean that slips are acceptable
you need, as it seems that you have started to , to really examine why
what did it give you vs what it cost

Quote:
I had to numb through the chain.

Bullshit
you chose to, you did not have to, open your mind to the fact that addiction harms rather than helps

Quote:
What are the consequences of my slip?

that depends upon you , you can learn and thus benefit or you can simply excuse yourself and stagnate your recovery
Quote:
I also want to move away from caring too much about counting days and moving more towards managing my emotions in a healthy way.

I do hope so and wish you well

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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