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 Post subject: MyTurn's healing thread
PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 7:11 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 13
Lesson 1

I met my fiance during our childhood. He was enamored with me, however, I was much younger at the time (me 12, him 16) and nothing came of it. He did pursue me until I was 19. He also had a serious girlfriend during this time which should have been clue #1 for me.
Almost 30 years later, on the verge of separation he contacted me again via facebook. We messaged back and forth for a year before meeting. He was married at the time but never mentioned her which I believe is a lie of omission. I overlooked this and kept our discussions friendly. We met just before their separation. It was a love affair for sure - I felt I had met the love of my life - I felt loved , secure and so happy.
Five or six months after meeting in 2010, while on a trip I used his laptop to check my yahoo email. When I opened yahoo he had forgot to close his email and I saw the long list of contacts for threesomes, voyeurism, sex with women. At the time he told me he would stop and I believed him. I knew nothing of sex addiction at the time. Fast forward 2 years to 2012 something told me to log into one of his yahoo accounts that appeared on his cell phone. Again I found the long list of messages for the same activities and I was able to verify actual acting out on many occasions. Before and after this I found the odd thing - such as a message such as 'hi' to some strange phone number. Everything was explained away - in the early days he said his craigslist postings were created by his exwife, he claims that there is no contact ... which I'm able to verify later that there has been. From 2012 to now I have not found evidence of any acting out but once I started checking I have found numerous calls and texting to hookers. He claims that it is only texting even though the hookers are always in the area he is in. It has been lie after lie and deceit after deceit. This past March I found that he was using an old cell phone. At this point we are living in separate rooms in the same house. I have told him about this site but no interest. He thinks he is going to recover with time and by going to his weekly SA meetings. AS well as the actual sex addiction, lieing and immature behaviour are serious problems.

PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 6:21 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 13
Stage 1 - lesson 2 - Life Vision

I will look after my physical health by eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising on a daily basis. I will pursue my love of nature by spending time outdoors in the countryside. I will indulge my creative side by gardening and continuing to learn the Italian language. Honesty and authenticity is extremely important to me and I will associate with others that value these same attributes. I will practice compassion and empathy towards others while at the same time not allowing it to affect my life in a negative way. I will live a non-judgemental life. Home life is very important to me and I will enjoy and appreciate my home daily. I will nurture those relationships in my life by making sure to contact and visit regularly as well as nurture new friendships by becoming involved in local activities. I value communication skills and will be open to using them with my partner to solve problems. I will pursue a romantic relationship based on the values of fidelity, open communication, trust, respect and love.

PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 3:54 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 13
Stage 1 – Lesson 3

a. Times my gut feeling was right or I felt strongly I was right
- A woman he met overseas was emailing and texting him. I suspected something and was told that she was his Russian language teacher. I later found skype messages between the 2 of them in which it was clear he may have impregnated her
- I was using his cell phone and a happy birthday message came for an email account I was not aware of. I later accessed the account to learn he was acting out a lot
- 2 months ago I strongly suspected he was using a 2nd cell phone. I later found it and the content revealed he was at least accessing craigslists ads and texting escorts
- I strongly suspect he is spending huge amounts on hookers, even though he tells me he only texts them as well as ‘only’ reads craigslists ads
- I suspect his second cell phone would reveal more physical encounters if forensics were done on it
b. Times I overrode my gut with my head/heart
- After the last definitive proof of actual sex with others in 2012, my gut told me it didn’t just ‘stop’. Since I had no proof, I ignored the gut feeling
- Daily my heart/head overrides my gut feeling that he doesn’t have the ability to recover
c. likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.
- finding a text to a hooker with no response or a ‘hello’ to a hooker on facebook with no response – my head tells me to ignore, my gut tells me there is much more
- My comfort with him and my fear of being alone and lonely triggers a conflict between my gut and head/heart

PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 8:18 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 13
Stage 1 - lesson 4

Make a list of those values in your partner's life that — in your gut — you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process

- generous with money/gifts
- fun
- spontaneous
- funny
- intelligent
- prepares meals/does cleanup
- able to do major household projects

Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship

- lack of empathy for me or others
- disaster with finances
- immature
- no sense of boundaries including physical property
- controlling
- ADHD (diagnosed)
- projects attributes to me that are false
- highly suspect he is gaslighting me (meaningless circular conversations)

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 8:27 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 13
Stage 1 - Lesson 5

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

It depends on the stress. If it is financial stress I make a plan. If it is stress of something like loss of a loved one, I turn to others for support. If it is a stress I cannot control, like my partners sex addiction i turn to anger. I have even thought of turning to alcohol. His exwife became an alcoholic during their marriage, which is what stops me. It would take prolonged exposure to my partners SA and his ADHD to create enough intensity to turn to irrational behaviour. I have turned to extreme anger in dealing with my partners sex addiction and ADHD (screaming and throwing things) due to feeling 'not being heard'.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

Only compulsive act I can think of is occasional binge eating. I don't feel anxiety prior to engaging in the act. I feel excitement and then afterwards I feel bad about myself for losing control. Had I not binged I would have continued to crave those foods.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

Without this addiction, I think he would turn to anger and addiction to the internet, facebook for example.

PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2017 11:29 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 13
Exercise 6
Patterns that can be attributed to sexualized mind:
- Looking at others in public as potential sex partners
- need for immediate gratification - I see this in several aspects of his life - eg. wanting me to move forward with him w/o him doing the hard work; wanting money without working hard to get a good job
- ritually looking at craigslist ads
- considers porn normal and considers looking at craigslist ads to be 'just' porn
- tells or told stories about others sexual experiences (may have been lies)

Areas I have observed
Sexualized mind
- thinking about sex most of the time
Objectified mind
- thinking of strangers as potential sex partners
Immediate gratification
- to soothe his boredom

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