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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:09 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 108
36(cntd)

I now see how unstable his upbringing was, living in grandparents house,before moving. both parents working, father alcoholic and mother seemingly disinterested. I met him when 17, and feel he was already addicted, he told me he hadn't had a gf before, etc. During this time his parents were rowing,and his father was drinking more,times he spent round mine due to rows at home. At this time while I thought he was shy, I realise he had no social skills. He had no sexual desire for me, so I assume porn and fantasy was already in control, I can see he used this as escape from the troubled family life, there was a lot of anger underneath which I saw as the odd outburst, but didn't understand.
It accounted for the need to control, and the haste to move out and get our place.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 3:08 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 108
I am still on this journey, I am monitoring myself and feel I have achieved so much.
I am still working, and have completed a qualification which I didn't think I ever would. I still need to find work away from my husband though, at present I am time restricted with problems regarding my daughters education,and caring for my mum. I have done voluntary,and am finding my creative self again.
I find now I am not consumed by thoughts of my husband when not with him.
I still ruminate,but I no longer get sucked into overwhelming emotions,
It has been such a relief to understand why I feel as I do, I have done a lot of work regarding finding myself and my issues, realising and understanding I have attachment anxiety, trauma bonding, possibly love,relationship addiction. These issues stem from events in my childhood which at long last I have tapped into, instead of being obsessed with thoughts of my husband and trying to fix him to gain my validation. The turning point came when I told him I was obsessed with him..i found myself becoming frantic and unable to think about anything else..i knew this was not normal, and it overwhelmed me whenever husband treated me badly,or upset me,or i discovered something bad. I realise I may have trauma bonding, the symptoms and what has been happening over decades fits the signs. It is a relief knowing that there is a reason I became totally frantic in my feelings, learning not to keep turning go fantasy and continued denial.
A huge weight off me, letting go has been hard, but knowing why I feel as I do has helped enormously.
Ie, my need for my husband and obsessive thoughts ,ach in heart, need to be with him, which I took as deep love..tend to come on when I start feeling abandoned, unloved,rejected..its as I need comfort from things and I start feeling lonely and then start fantasising about having a true love and needing to sacrifice myself to it..delusional.

I can snap out of it at once now. I am also creating boundaries, something I realise I never had..ever, looking back I have been quite dysfunctional, I never met these things head on, but now I see..and I forgive myself instead of shaming myself..i was a child..even when I left home to live with my first older boyfriend...then when I met my husband..i was seventeen, younger than my youngest daughter is now..what did I know, plus I already been damaged, though it never clicked till I started looking to he's and find myself.


Last edited by jenny56 on Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 108
Ex forty
I need to work through w, as I have come to learn I have had sexual ,relationship,love issues since childhood.
The patterns I now realise could be addiction, I don't wish to write my own story,but its hard to write fictionally when I see clearly how I changed and started fantasising about romance and sex.
I actually can see I could become a sex addict if I hadn't married, I had no boundaries..i couldn't say no, even to men I wasn't attracted to..i never proved this together until counselling, my whole life I have detracted from myself by obsessing about one male or another.

I will endeavour to write this,though it may be too uncomfortable for me.


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