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 Post subject: Exercises in recovery
PostPosted: Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:05 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 07, 2019 1:38 pm
Posts: 17
It’s been 8 days since I discovered my husband has been using prostitutes. I randomly came across an email notification that popped up on my computer and after clicking it discovered messages and bookings for escorts. I sat there in disbelief, horror and absolute devastation. Reading the messages I couldn’t believe he had written them with his own hands I confronted him immediately and he confessed, this was the worst part, I had hoped that there was some kind of random explanation for what I had seen I was desperate for it not to be true. I still can’t accept it.

From some discussions with my husband it was plainly obvious to me that he has a sex addiction the little things over the years built up into a unmistakable pattern . He was a little more hesitant to realise this himself, as he has grown accustomed to minimising his behaviour although he is beginning to realise it. This series of events do not fit with the man I know and love, even now I am still struggling to believe it.

I feel like a fool, I had never once suspected that he would cheat. I always thought he was the perfect guy kind, generous, loving the best I could ever hope for. I feel responsible for what has happened, and weak because I love him and pathetic for not wanting to lose him. I’ve never wanted anyone else since the day I met him.

This is all still incredibly raw and new for me, I have been through all the evidence in detail, I have questioned him and been through bank statements, messages etc I’m almost certain that I know everything that’s gone on. I am exhausted and am currently 7 months pregnant and expected to have a very small prem baby soon this situation is like a perpetual nightmare. I don’t know where I go from here but anywhere is better than this.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:12 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 659
Kelly - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry you need to be here but this is a healing place to be.

And you are 7 months pregnant. Discovery of our partner's sex addiction is traumatic and exhausting. One of the first things we need to do is to learn to focus on our well being first. And you are focusing on your well being and that of your baby. I found the lessons to be very helpful so I encourage you to start them. The first thing we learn is the need to gain some emotional equilibrium and control in our lives. This is critical for you and your baby. Do you have supportive family and friends around that can help you? As hard as it can be, my advice is to put your health and well being first for these next few months. That is hard to do and even harder at this point in discovery.

None of this is your fault. None of it. I know that is hard to believe, but as you heal that will become more clear. You did nothing to cause your husband's addiction and he was an addict long before you met him. Nothing you did or did not do; and nothing about you made him act out.

You are not weak or stupid for loving your husband or not knowing what was going on. I think all of us knew something was off, but didn't know what it was. I had no clue something like sex addiction even existed. And our partners lie to us and gaslight us. How would we know? And our love, compassion and understanding...those are beautiful aspects about us. We don't want to lose them. Our partners took advantage of us and did not return the love, compassion and empathy we so deserved. Their work is to get sober, grow up, learn empathy, and make amends. Our work is to get off the crazy train and heal.

The lessons were so helpful to me. Posting and reading in the partners forum here was also very healing. I found a therapist who specializes in treatment of trauma and that has been life saving for me.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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