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PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2019 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 72
Location: UK
1. Over the past 7 days where did the pleasure and joy in my life come from?

1. Binge watching Game of Thrones lol!
2. Spending some quality time with my baby grandson.
3. Having a new tattoo done.
4. Intimate time with my H.

2. Over the past 7 days was there any major negativity in terms of emotional drains or time consumption?

1. Financial pressures.
2. Overwhelming feeling of sadness due to flashbacks and mind movies.

3. Looking at the pleasurable parts of my life, along with the negative parts, was my management adequate?

Yes.

4. Is there anything on the immediate horizon that I need to take into account for effective management of life management skills?

1. Financial issues
2. Possible family issues - time will tell.

1. Over the past 7 days have I managed to eat healthily?

Yes!

2. Over the past 7 days have I managed to boost my own self esteem

Absolutely not.

General Overview

The past seven days have really not been that great as my mind has been invaded and overwhelmed with mind movies concerning all the prostitutes my H engaged. It is like they are taunting me and no matter how hard I tried to ignore them, push them out of my head, replace them with positive happy thoughts, they just kept coming back. It was really getting me down badly, just feeling so sad and vulnerable. The last two days have been an improvement, not so much crap in my head.

I wonder if the fact I am a little stressed by other matters has allowed this to happen so severely? A weakened me let them in. All I can do is try to stay strong and positive, but nobody can do that all the time. I hate that I may just have to accept that this sort of thing is going to happen for a long time to come - that's a sober and depressing thought!

My H continues to talk openly to me, continues to be sober, contnues with RN and SAA meetings. I can see he wants to recover and be free from his addiction, wants to prove to me that he is a man worth being married to and loving. And I do love him back and want to continue to encourage his recovery, but sometimes, just sometimes, I fucking hate him, hate what he has done to me. Suppose I would be abnormal if I didn't.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 9:43 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 72
Location: UK
1. Over the past 7 days where did the pleasure and joy in my life come from?

1. Attending my daughter's baby shower
2. Spending time with grandchildren
3. Starting a new job
4. Intimate time with H

2. Over the past 7 days was there any major negativity in terms of emotional drains or time consumption?

There has been nothing major, just general niggles.

3. Looking at the pleasurable parts of my life, along with the negative parts, was my management adequate?

Yes.

4. Is there anything on the immediate horizon that I need to take into account for effective management of life management skills?

Still a financial niggle I might have to deal with.

1. Over the past 7 days have I managed to eat healthily?

Yes and no ;)

2. Over the past 7 days have I managed to boost my own self esteem

Not really.

General Overview

This past week has been on an even keel really. Whilst I have had quite a few flashbacks and mind movies and a couple of triggers, I have dealt with them quite easily and have not permitted them to run riot in my mind. However, because I am feeling generally crap about my physical self for a number of reasons, I have found myself more than once thinking why would H want me when he can have younger and better looking prostitutes if he is willing to pay the price. I KNOW this is totally unreasonable thinking and I try very very hard to shove it out of my head immediately. I also find myself wondering why out of the 4 serious relationships I have had as an adult, why did three of these men cheat on me? I KNOW it is them, their problem, and that none of their behaviours had anything to do with me or how I am, but it doesn't stop me wondering if I provoke these behaviours. Unreasonable, I know. But on the positive side - I have not let any of this drag me down. I am dwelling on the positive aspects of my life and will NOT drown in the past, a tainted past caused by OTHERS, not me!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 8:09 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 72
Location: UK
I find myself easily irritated by things I should probably just let slide. When my H told me happily a week or so back that he had been sober for 5 months now my initial reaction was thanks for the reminder that 5 months ago my entire world came crashing down and things would never be the same again. Yes I was happy for him and his effort paying off, yes I was happy for our relationship, but I also felt that every time he (rightly!) mentions a milestone in the future I will simply be transported back to that day of hell.

I am happy that my H finds support and solace with his SAA group, happy that he has others to share with. But at the same time I just get mightily pissed off that he has a functioning support network and I have nobody! I did not share his addictions and behaviours with anyone other than one online friend. Whilst this friend was very understanding and supportive of me during the darkest times, I cannot keep burdening him with it, especially since his life has changed recently and he has less time for my emotional onslaughts. And it is impossible for me to confide in anyone in real life - I am ashamed and embarrassed of my H's 'dirty little secrets' and would not want to taint others views of him. The only person I can talk to about how I am feeling is HIM and, well, it bugs me since it was him who caused this crap. Sometimes when he says "I'm here for you" I want to punch him in the face!!

I don't want to spend the rest of my life on guard duty, don't want to constantly be on the lookout for signs he may be about to slip/is slipping/has slipped. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in anticipation of the day he tells me that he is feeling an urge. Living on tenderhooks is stressful. I try extremely hard to not dwell on this, but sadly it's a fact of my new life and the way it is going to be.

I am fed up of triggers but know I cannot avoid them unless I lock myself away in a dark room with no form of media or contact with other humans. I am fed up of mind movies playing out at random times for no rhyme or reason. These images are not created by my overactive imagination but by the knowledge of the actual behaviours of my H. Anger, disgust, repulsion, hurt, sadness, loss - have been through the entire repetoire of emotions sparked by these mind movies and I am irked that they have not seemed to have lessened in quantity over the months. Yes, I do suppose it is still early days, maybe in a years time things will be different. Or maybe they won't.

I am happy with my 'new' H and our 'new' relationship. He is showing me the man I (wrongly) thought he was, and whilst I appreciate that and enjoy him, by the same token I also feel that he stole over a decade of my life by being a greatly inferior version of himself.

He wants us to renew our wedding vows, when I'm ready. I broached the Summer Solstice but at this time I am really not convinced I will be ready. I possibly surprised him when I said that he would need to write completely new vows this time around as the ones he pledged on our actual wedding day had been pulverised and rendered obselete. And there is part of me that wonders if, on the day he says the new vows to me, I will find them lacking in some way and not go through with the renewal. This would be awful all round.

I DO take times for myself, both physically and mentally. I do try to wipe the crap out of my head. I do try to look in the mirror and appreciate me. But there is still a ball of stress in my chest that just won't completely go away. I probably just need more time.


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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 7:16 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 72
Location: UK
I haven't written for a while, just been too busy more than anything.

So he hasn't slipped, has continued to work on himself and our relationship. It's going well. Kind of. I have been pretty stressed as of late (non sex addict hubby related) and this stress seems to tip me back into the realms of flashbacks, mind movies and dirt low self esteeem. If I can get this stress under control then hopefully I will get back to some kind of even keel whereby all that crap will get less and less again. Leading a stress-free life, well it's impossible really as so many things are beyond my control. Yes, I know the old adage of not stressing over things you can't control, but for me, that mantra really doesn't work when those things are directly affecting me or mine.

But I've digressed.

We were contemplating renewing our marriage vows in around 4 weeks time, but I don't think I can. I don't trust him enough to pledge to him anything more than I already am , and I have this feeling of dread that the vows he makes to me will not be what I think they should be. And of course, the vows he made years ago were smashed and shattered and completely meaningless - why would the new ones be any different?

Pointless things are niggling at me. A picture on our bedroom wall, song lyrics, he made the pic for me for xmas one year. The words within are so way off the mark after he did what he did to me and each time I look at them it makes me feel angry and sad. A large wicker heart on another wall, a wedding anniversary present from him last year, purchased online in between him looking at porn and booking a prostitute - at least that's how I feel when I look at it. It's simply saturated with memories of 2018, the year I discovered my husband was a lying, cheating sex addict.

I should take these things off my wall, I know. But part of me feels that in doing so will hurt him and I dont want to do that. I shouldn't care, but I do. I should put my feelings first, but I don't. Maybe I should start.


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PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2019 12:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Brighid, what you are feeling right now is completely normal and it takes time to redefine trust in a way that’s relevant to where you are now, knowing what you know and all you have been through. It is inevitable that the addiction will have changed the nature of your attachment, from feeling secure in that attachment to experiencing it as an insecure attachment — because it wasn’t what you believed it to be, because you found out that you couldn’t rely on your own judgment in the way you might have you could, and because you were deceived. So I can fully understand why you feel uneasy about renewing your vows. Most of us would feel the same. Think about it — it requires a huge leap of faith. You have to believe in it as something pure and honest and it’s not so easy to do that knowing what you know now.

Triggers are inevitable. Small and seemingly insignificant things can triggers. It’s almost as if everything we come into contact with has to be re evaluated. In some ways I resent my husband’s behaviour for taking the pleasure out of life. Things I used to like became sources of stress or doubt, or were filtered through the lens of his addiction. Also, dates, occasions, even topics of conversation can be traced back to either an event that was discovered or suspected. Gifts can certainly become tainted when you look back and track the timeline of the addiction.

I don’t know what the answer is to rebuilding trust. I can only ‘play it by ear’ and hope it gets easier. In some respects the earlier feelings of disruption and destabilisation after d day have passed but what exactly am I left with? I don’t feel the same attachment to my husband that I once did. I know I need to protect myself and I’m only just beginning to see the connections between his behaviour — and that includes his deception and necessary detachment in order to pursue his addiction — to the collapse of my self esteem and eventual late onset anorexia and body dysmorphia. It’s a lot to recover from. For me it’s not just betrayal trauma, but learning to care for my basic needs like feeding myself properly and learning the skills to challenge my own depression and anxiety, and learning what my boundaries are and how to enforce them. My husband isn’t acting out but there are some aspects of his behaviour that are not in line with healthy recovery. For example, his omissions including things not related to his addiction in any way, but as long as he continues to withhold and put a distance between his life and mine then I’m not going to find it so easy to trust him. In my relationship, this is a genuine hindrance to recovery so once again I’m finding that it’s my own recovery I need to concentrate on.


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PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2019 6:05 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 72
Location: UK
Thanks for the input Blue :)

The trust I have (or not as the case may be!) is difficult to define right now. I feel like I can trust him to keep doing his best in terms of attending SA meetings, doing the 12 steps, putting into practice all he has learned from RN. And I trust him in his sincerity in wanting to make my life, our life, as good and honest and happy as he possibly can. But I am unsure that I trust him with me - not sure that makes sense, struggling for the words here! Before, he had all of me, now he has about a quarter of me and, certainly at this time, am not convinced he will ever again have any more than that. I do love him, I do want him in my life, but I do not ever want to be in the postion again where someone can destroy me at the flick of a switch.

Totally get what you are saying about triggers! But on a positive note, the wicker heart and the lyric picture are now gone from my walls, two less things in the world to flip me over!

You are absolutely doing the right thing in protecting and looking after yourself - long may your recovery continue x


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2020 2:17 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 72
Location: UK
Been over a year since I have posted here, not entirely sure why I stopped, as writing my feelings has always been helpful to me. But today has been a particularly bad day and it felt like getting this out on paper (sort of!) was the only thing that was going to help me, even if just a little.

We had a fight today. He was bad tempered to me for no good reason but won’t accept he was. I exploded, he exploded, I don’t want to speak to him or have him near me. He came to apologize an hour or so later but I just couldn't stomach it. But let’s be serious, this isn’t just about a stupid argument, or even being sick of the sound of his voice due to prolonged lockdown . It’s a fizzing dark whirlpool of hurt and pain and hatred inside me that is normally kept contained. But it doesn’t take much for the lid to be blasted off and for the spiralling muddy waters to all but drown me. Every negativity he has towards me or shows me makes me wonder why it was I chose to support him through this crap, why I chose to remain in the relationship. When does the hurt stop? Does it ever stop or do I just have to learn to live with it? Why more than 18 months later is my mind still filled with repulsive visions of the things he did? Why won’t this stop?

And I know I am punishing myself. I comfort eat and am overweight right now, but hey what the fuck does it matter because when I DID look good he was more interested in a bunch of skanky prostitutes than he was me. More interested in porn than he was me. Hey, why give the wife any attention when you can be pleasuring yourself looking at a man in a frilly dress or a woman with massive breasts! I hate the way I look now, I absolutely detest myself, but I detest him more because it’s his actions that have put me here. Actions that validated to me how worthless I actually am, just some old, fat hag no longer in the prime of her life. Loving how he says crap about how he still sees beautiful women, just stops himself objectifying them now. Beautiful women...........I remember when I used to be one of those, in the days before my husband murdered by self esteem. The fact that he even notices these “beautiful women” makes my blood boil!!!! And yes, I am perfectly aware that this is illogical and severely jealous, but the true and sad facts are that I was neither of these things before he did what he did.

Fed up with his sanctimonious shit about how great he feels to be “clean”. Well bully for you mate, so glad you have managed to sort yourself out. So glad you can find the time and headspace to give council and advice to other recovering addicts but fail to know, REALLY know, what goes on with me and how I feel. Or maybe he does know but is scared that my pain will trip up his recovery, cause him be to be so stressed he will be driven to his addiction again. Wouldn’t be the first time he had blamed me for his behaviours after all. Love how he admits that he doesn’t sit down and chat with me often enough but then totally and utterly fails to rectify this. Does he expect me to make that move, arrange a time and place for a formal chat session? I don’t want to! I don’t bloody want to! I don’t see why I should have to force this, it is something that should be happening regularly without prompts from me! Especially since he knows I am unhappy. Especially since he knows I am waitlisted to see a counsellor and at this time have nobody, absolutely nobody to speak to and confide in. I mean, for fucks sake, he gets to chat with his recovering SA mates whenever he wants, get support or advice whenever he needs it. Me, I am just supposed to get over it and on it with, solo. And asking me in the passing if I am ok, asking me while we are out in the car, doesn’t count! Would it be too much for me to expect he gives me as much time and attention as he gives other parts of his life?

He makes me feel unvalued. I don’t feel unvalued in other areas of my life. Do I value myself? I try to. Try to convince myself that I am worth loving, worth being. But sometimes it all just gets too much. I left the house today to get away from a combination of the toxic atmosphere and the damn noise that was going on from gardening working outside. Went to the beach and just sat and tried to chill out, deep breathing, thinking positive thoughts. But I just kept thinking, what if I empty my handbag, fill it up with rocks, and just walk in the water. A long quiet sleep was tempting. But I wouldn’t do that to my children and grandchildren. So I go home, not feeling much better than I did when I started.

I knew I was never going to get my old life back, but what I hoped for was a new and improved one. That’s not what I have got. All the adrenalin that kept me going the months after D Day has run out and all that I am left with is a deep sense of sadness, a lot of anger, vivid waking dreams and far too many whys. He bought new wedding rings over a year ago with a view to renewing our vows. He should have saved his money as I am not ready for that and not sure I ever will be. Vows meant nothing to him last time, why should they a second time? And there is more to a relationship that stopping being a sex addict, but sometimes it feels as if he thinks job done. Saying he loves me seems meaningless as it’s not like he ever stopped saying that when he was spending thousands on whores.

I have asked myself would I be happier if our relationship ended, but the conclusion I come to is that it would feel the same. Being on my own would not reduce the gut churning emotions or make the visions disappear. Caught between a rock and a hard place.

And even at the end of this horrible day, he didn't say, shall we talk. He just sloped off to the spare room, a bedtime 2 hours before he normally goes. Some things never change.


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