Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:40 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 31 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:11 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
About 6 years ago I found out that my SO had been viewing pornography. I found it on the PC and challenged him. This was particularly sad for me because at the time he was having problems with ED. I saw the pictures and was convinced the problem was with me. At the time I was about 130lbs.

I never thought he'd look at porn, it seemed so out of character.

The problems with ED caused enormous tension in our relationship and I ended up with terrible low self-esteem. I tried being understanding and saying it didn't matter etc...

3 years ago I found written text on a word document relating to sex and plucked up the courage to challenge him again. He said it would stop, - we gradually went on as before. The problems with ED continuing to cause tension.

18 months ago I found video clips on the PC – I felt physically sick and awful almost as if my world was crumbling down. We started couple counselling and this did bring us closer together.

A further discovery brought a big confrontation between us and he told me he’d been abused as a child by a person in authority but had never told anyone. I believed him because lots of things clicked into place. A further 3 discoveries over the last 18 months ended with me issuing an ultimatum that if I found any more porn of any type our relationship was over.

He is in a group-counselling situation at present. I am doing nothing.

I have 2 different types of accountability software on the PC and have told him I installed them.

Over the last year I have been to hell and back in terms of how I felt over the things I found. I kept imaging the pictures when we were making love. When I thought about them I felt physically sick. Yet he has never said anything bad about me or my appearance. It might sound strange, but he is loving and kind and loves close contact and hugs. I believe he is a very good man but one who has done bad things. When stress at work increases it seems as if that's what triggers him off.

I don't want to share with family because I feel ashamed about it all and also want to keep his secret.
I have little self-esteem left now. I have piled weight on, but he says I haven't and he loves me anyway.
Our relationship is currently calm and close.

I need to get back to me.


Last edited by April on Wed May 12, 2010 8:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:34 pm 
Offline
Partner's Coach

Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 4:59 am
Posts: 993
Dear April,

I am so sorry that you have been going through this experience.

Quote:
Over the last year I have been to hell and back in terms of how I felt over the things I found. I kept imaging the pictures when we were making love. When I thought about them I felt physically sick. Yet he has never said anything bad about me or my appearance. It might sound strange, but he is loving and kind and loves close contact and hugs. I believe he is a very good man but one who has done bad things. When stress at work increases it seems as if that's what triggers him off.


I understand how these discoveries turn your life inside out, but your insight here shows that you can see your SO for the man he is underneath, and this will help as you work through the lessons.

Addicts are adept at compartmentalising the different areas of their lives, firmly believing that thier acting out does not affect their relationship, of course as partners, we feel this rather differently, but most definately thier use of P is absolutely nothing to do with anything we do, or how we look - I think you have also realised it is more to do with developing an unhealthy and ingrained way of dealing with other issues - stress in particular.

Welcome to RN April - you have come to a good place to begin to get back to you,

All the best


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:06 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
CoachChristine wrote:


I understand how these discoveries turn your life inside out, but your insight here shows that you can see your SO for the man he is underneath, and this will help as you work through the lessons.


Welcome to RN April - you have come to a good place to begin to get back to you,

All the best


CoachChristine,
Thank you for the very kind words and loving welcome. You've made me feel uplifted.

April


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: My values
PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 11:42 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
My values
I’ve realised that my values didn’t exist as a result of my pre-marriage state, but rather have been formed as a reaction to the unsettled, chaotic state I lived in before.

I value my relationship with God. I hope to deepen this by increasing the time I spend attending Mass and in private prayer. I feel enriched and calmed by these actions. One of the most positive relationships I have.

I value my role as a mother. I love and support my children and want to encourage them to approach me if ever they need help and support in life.

I value friendship. I realise that I don’t reach out to people. I need to improve on that aspect of my life, by reaching out to my friends more. By ringing or emailing first rather than waiting for them to contact me. I also want to make them aware of how much they enrich my life and how happy and valued they make me feel.

I value my intelligence and intuition and need to trust them more. My intuition and feelings about people have been proved right many times, yet I always downplay it.

I value my skills in the workplace and in my voluntary role. I need to encourage those skills and look for ways of using them more. Especially in situations that won’t lead to increased stress.

I value my skills as a homemaker. I manage tasks and cook healthy meals. I also value good health. With the stress lately I’ve overeaten and need to stop that. I can cook well and healthily. I need to make sure and exercise judgement in how much and how often I eat.

I value my sense of justice and want to reach out more than I do. I will do this by attending the Justice and Peace group when it meets each month. This would be a start at reaching out.

I love the people in my life and let them know how much I love them I value this about myself. This is very important to me that they know they are loved and cherished.

I value my role as a wife. Strange thing to say considering the circumstances. I love and support my husband as much as I am able to do so and as much as he will allow me to.
I ALSO ACCEPT I CAN’T CHANGE HIM.

This role ties in with my sense of value as a woman. I’m finding it hard to write about this, because I’ve lost the value of who I am as a woman.

I am a loving and compassionate woman. I have a great deal of love and passion to give, but somewhere along the road it got blocked. I will work at recognising my strengths in this area. I will look for ways of reinforcing my self-image. Maybe by using affirmations again. This worked for me before.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 1:56 pm 
Offline
General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3957
Hi April,

Your list of initial Values look good. One thing I would encourage you to do is take these values and really break down how you will reinforce them. What actions will you take to make sure you are upholding them. This is what writing your vision is all about. Clear defined tasks or behaviors that will help to get you where you envision yourself to be at a healthy time in the future. Take each one and think "How will I do this" and write it down. I see that you did mention a couple things already on some of them, but really break them down so that they are measurable actions you can always come back to to make sure you are on track or make adjustments if needed.

Take care of you,


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:45 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
Coach Christine,
This is very good advice thank you.

I'll start today
April


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:29 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
My values
I’ve realised that my values didn’t exist as a result of my pre-marriage state, but rather have been formed as a reaction to the unsettled, chaotic state I lived in before.

I value my relationship with God. I hope to deepen this by increasing the time I spend attending Mass and in private prayer. I feel enriched and calmed by these actions. One of the most positive relationships I have. I will go to mass each day during Lent. Then Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays after that. I will walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

I value my role as a mother. I love and support my children and want to encourage them to approach me if ever they need help and support in life. I’ve written letters to them telling them how much I love and value them.

I value friendship. I realise that I don’t reach out to people. I need to improve on that aspect of my life, by reaching out to my friends more. By ringing or emailing first rather than waiting for them to contact me. I also want to make them aware of how much they enrich my life and how happy and valued they make me feel. I could do this by making sure I contact 1 of them at least once a week. Making a date with B every 4-6weeks and with P, E and T once every 2 months. I will contact E & H by email each week.

I value my intelligence and intuition and need to trust them more. My intuition and feelings about people have been proved right many times, yet I always downplay it. I always felt better when I practised meditation, this also helped me tune in to what was right. Why did I stop? What is to stop me from starting again? Nothing.

I value my skills in the workplace and in my voluntary role. I need to encourage those skills and look for ways of using them more. Especially in situations that won’t lead to increased stress. I’ve started to do this by contacting the RBLI and arranging and interview. I also have to re-do my CV for the interview so it will be in good shape for looking for other jobs. I could send in a speculative revamped CV to CB.

I value my skills as a homemaker. I manage tasks and cook healthy meals. I also value good health. With the stress lately I’ve overeaten and need to stop that. I can cook well and healthily. I need to make sure and exercise judgement in how much and how often I eat. This can be monitored by not snacking between meals and not overeating especially mid-day, which seems to be the worst time for me. I don’t need to build a wall between me and other people by increasing my weight. Attending the exercise class on a Thursday would be a big step towards dropping the pounds I need to.

I value my sense of justice and want to reach out more than I do. I will do this by attending the Justice and Peace group when it meets each month. This would be a start at reaching out.

I love the people in my life and let them know how much I love them I value this about myself. This is very important to me that they know they are loved and cherished.

I value my role as a wife. Strange thing to say considering the circumstances. I love and support my husband as much as I am able to do so and as much as he will allow me to.
I ALSO ACCEPT I CAN’T CHANGE HIM.

This role ties in with my sense of value as a woman. I’m finding it hard to write about this, because I’ve lost the value of who I am as a woman.

I am a loving and compassionate woman. I have a great deal of love and passion to give, but somewhere along the road it got blocked. I will work at recognising my strengths in this area. I will look for ways of reinforcing my self-image. Maybe by using affirmations again. This worked for me before.

I will choose an affirmation and say it for 1 week. This helped me before. I will also book a beauty treatment at least once a month. I will only go to a good hairdresser.

I will look back on this list in 1 weeks time to check if I've been faithful to myself and make sure I'm not straying off track.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 12:39 pm 
Offline
General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3957
Well done! Don't be afraid to make changes to your vision as your situation changes. Add things as they come up or when an idea pops into your head. Although our core values for the most part stay the same, how we embrace them and protect them changes as our lives change.

Take care of you!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
My values – looking back after 1 year

Spiritual
I value my relationship with God. I hope to deepen this by increasing the time I spend attending Mass and in private prayer. I feel enriched and calmed by these actions. One of the most positive relationships I have. I will go to mass each day during Lent. Then Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays after that. I will walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

In reality *****
I’ve gone to church much more often than I’d planned to. It does make me feel better.

Motherhood
I value my role as a mother. I love and support my children and want to encourage them to approach me if ever they need help and support in life. I’ve written letters to them telling them how much I love and value them.

In reality ****
I still love and hope I support my children. I feel a huge loss in the fact my daughter doesn’t live in this country any more. I could work at improving the contact with her.
I have good contact and relationship with my son and know we both value this.

Friendship
I value friendship. I realise that I don’t reach out to people. I need to improve on that aspect of my life, by reaching out to my friends more. By ringing or emailing first rather than waiting for them to contact me. I also want to make them aware of how much they enrich my life and how happy and valued they make me feel. I could do this by making sure I contact 1 of them at least once a week. Making a date with B every 4-6weeks and with P, E and T once every 2 months. I will contact E & H by email each week.

In reality **
I’ve not had much contact with my friends. In fact I’ve contacted them less and less as the year has gone on. I have no explanation apart from feeling very isolated. I did make an effort and visited E and H. I do contact E fairly regularly by email. I will also contact H at least once a week, there’s nothing to stop me from ringing her. I will also phone A before this week is out.

Intelligence and Intuition
I value my intelligence and intuition and need to trust them more. My intuition and feelings about people have been proved right many times, yet I always downplay it. I always felt better when I practised meditation, this also helped me tune in to what was right. Why did I stop? What is to stop me from starting again? Nothing.

In reality *
Nothing. I’ve not done any of the courses I’d planned to do.

Work role
I value my skills in the workplace and in my voluntary role. I need to encourage those skills and look for ways of using them more. Especially in situations that won’t lead to increased stress. I’ve started to do this by contacting the RBLI and arranging and interview. I also have to re-do my CV for the interview so it will be in good shape for looking for other jobs. I could send in a speculative revamped CV to CB.

In reality - *
I’ve continued with the voluntary work. I did nothing about the CV apart from the initial contact with the RBLI. The CV has been changed, but not sent out. Although I did have contact from S about the prospect of a job. - Not sure where to take this one next.

I've also worked as a moderator in a group and spent about 30 -45 minutes each day on that.

Homemaker
I value my skills as a homemaker. I manage tasks and cook healthy meals. I also value good health. With the stress lately I’ve overeaten and need to stop that. I can cook well and healthily. I need to make sure and exercise judgement in how much and how often I eat. This can be monitored by not snacking between meals and not overeating especially mid-day, which seems to be the worst time for me. I don’t need to build a wall between me and other people by increasing my weight. Attending the exercise class on a Thursday would be a big step towards dropping the pounds I need to.

In reality - This situation has worsened. I’ve got more and more withdrawn and am cooking less and less. I’ve also let the housework go and feel miserable and inadequate. Having the ankle injury has affected the amount of walking/exercise and made the weight problem worse.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Justice
I value my sense of justice and want to reach out more than I do. I will do this by attending the Justice and Peace group when it meets each month. This would be a start at reaching out.

In Reality –
Did nothing at all. Feel ashamed of myself.

Close relationships
I love the people in my life and let them know how much I love them I value this about myself. This is very important to me that they know they are loved and cherished.

In reality - ***
I hope I let people know what they mean. Especially family.

Wife

I value my role as a wife. Strange thing to say considering the circumstances. I love and support my husband as much as I am able to do so and as much as he will allow me to.
I ALSO ACCEPT I CAN’T CHANGE HIM.

In reality - ***

Very mixed. IT has been very strong, but for some reason in the last couple of weeks seem to be lots of conflict and don’t know why. I try to find out why and it seems to make it much worse. So end up with a kind of stalemate.

Woman

This role ties in with my sense of value as a woman. I’m finding it hard to write about this, because I’ve lost the value of who I am as a woman. I am a loving and compassionate woman. I have a great deal of love and passion to give, but somewhere along the road it got blocked. I will work at recognising my strengths in this area. I will look for ways of reinforcing my self-image. Maybe by using affirmations again. This worked for me before.

In reality
The weight gain and lack of self-worth are making me feel even worse about myself than when I wrote this. I feel less inclined to make love. I feel much less attractive than I did even a year ago. I did 1 thing to make me feel better and ended up hurting myself and making things even worse. Almost as if I had a self-destructive mechanism involved.

How could I change this? This has to change otherwise I’ll go further downhill.

The following things were a good idea. I could adapt them.
I did decide that I would only go to a good hairdresser so that is 1 bonus point to me.

I will choose an affirmation and say it for 1 week. This helped me before. I will also book a beauty treatment at least once a month. I will only go to a good hairdresser.

I will look back on this list in 1 week’s time to check if I've been faithful to myself and make sure I'm not straying off track.

I need to find a way of reminding myself to log into the site and make some postings and progress.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:10 am 
Offline
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
I need to find a way of reminding myself to log into the site and make some postings and progress.


Welcome back, April! And please do so! I cannot stress enough how beneficial the workshop lessons have been in supporting a healthy lifestyle and I believe wholeheartedly that any partner who participates fully is empowering themselves to live a life which they find meaningful. This workshop is here for you~use it to your advantage!

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Gut feelings
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 11:02 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
In your healing thread...

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behaviour. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

I feel pathetic because I never even gave this a thought. I can’t pretend that I knew instinctively that something was wrong. I thought the lapse in our lovemaking was just down to changes in our married life, we’d gone through some rough family problems. I thought we were just drifting apart, not there was a reason behind it. I’d assumed his sex drive was lower because of over-work to begin. Then I assumed I was to blame by not being attractive enough or sexy enough or whatever enough. I never thought it was something else.

Even when I found out and there were subsequent lapses I didn’t realise. I was living in cloud-cuckoo land I suppose.


B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behaviour.

I said above that I couldn't think of one. But I found a condom once and he gave a very lame excuse for why it was in his pocket. I accepted this -was I too scared of fidning out what was happening to question it further?

My gut instinct failed me. Ironically I think I have very good gut instinct with most people. How come it failed me in this instance? He just gave off a general air of total disinterest to sexual matters mostly.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: My partner's values
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 11:17 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviours that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

ValuesHe is a charitable man, loves animals and birds and very loving to those he cares for. He is very generous and ungrudging. He is a hard worker. He can be extremely thoughtful and kind. He is imaginative in his thinking rather than regurgitating other people’s opinions. He is kind to old people and children. He is clever and can argue intelligently, he is able to fix anything. He can solve problems. He would do anything for anyone. He think I am wonderful just the way I am. :g:

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

He has poor communications skills. He finds it hard to disclose what he is thinking about. He is dogmatic sometimes. He can be very judgemental. He has a short temper. He punishes himself for his shortcomings. He fails to acknowledge his good points.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Understanding addictions
PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 7:34 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behaviour to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

I don’t manage my stress very well. I tend to bottle it up then feel great surges of panic and can’t express my fear or worries to those close to me.

I’ve been emotionally overwhelmed several times in the last few years, The times which have triggered it the worst are the time when I felt I couldn’t make a difference to an outcome. I felt totally powerless to affect the outcome. One of the escape from the stress was with very bad depression. I just closed down and couldn’t do much at all. At one point I had thoughts of suicide because I couldn’t see a way out of the situation. Other times when the stress has been great I’ve dug my nails into my body to feel the pain. That was when I was faced with the last time I found my husband had used pornography.

B. Consider a compulsive behaviour that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

I’ve thought about this and the only compulsive behaviour I’ve done is when I clean the house. I do it in the same way each time. I start off at the same point in the various rooms. I also have to sort everything out when I do this job, not just clean the surface things, but the cupboards as well. I’m not sure that there is a sense of anxiety involved in this, just seems to be the best way to do it to me. If I can’t do it I feel anxious because I’m not doing what I should be, feels like I am only doing part of the task, so I suppose it makes me feel as if I’ve failed.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

I’d imagine he’d take on more hobbies to compensate for the time he spent doing the addiction. He’d take them on and only do half of them, then move on to another hobby. Not sure this would stimulate him emotionally, I can’t think what he’d resort to, I think it would be more likely that he’d button down his emotions.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:05 am 
Offline
Partner's Coach

Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 4:59 am
Posts: 993
April - can I welcome you back as well. We all look forward to seeing your progress.

:g:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: The Sexualised Mind
PostPosted: Thu Apr 29, 2010 7:32 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 26
Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualised mind.

The pattern, which matches my h the most, is the morally righteous one.

This has been the pattern for the last 20+ years. Although in that time we still had sex, it was infrequent and this led me to assume that my h sex drive was very low.

I thought all his energy and passion was put into his job, he was a workaholic. He was extremely condemning about other people and seemed to grow very prudish over time.

I never imagined all this was happening under the surface and feel foolish for not even thinking about that. I also feel arrogant because I assumed that if he didn’t want me then he wasn’t interested at all. When the truth was that he preferred the PC and no-demands made on him from masturbation etc.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

The Sexualised Mind – Not at all, gave the complete opposite impression.

The Objectified Mind – Likewise. Duhh what an idiot I was.

The Need for Immediate Gratification– Not sure, but sometimes he displays this attitude.

The All or Nothing Perception – This matches my h attitude to life. He makes a mistake and berates himself about it. He used to constantly tell me he was no good for me and worthless. Life is black and white to him. We used to argue about this stand a great deal. I used to say isn’t black and white but shades of grey and he used to make me feel degenerate for saying that. He gets angry with himself when he does something wrong.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 31 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group