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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 5:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:38 pm
Posts: 5
I was in a relationship for 5 years and thought he was a great guy until about a year into the relationship things started to get worse. It started with small things like comments about girls on t.v. and movies, comparing me to them. Asking me why "I didnt have boobs like that" or a "butt like that",being a fairly confident person, I tried not the let the comments bother me, I just told myself "oh hes just being a guy". I then discovering he had a porn addiction, actually discovering that he would watch it multiple times a day, even when I would go to the corner store for a few minutes. My reaction was instant hurt, we had a great sex life...then the internal questions started...I felt betrayed and didnt understand why...why would he do this? Whats wrong with me? How can I make myself better so he wouldnt have to watch other women? After the discovery of the porn addiction, the physical abuse started. It progressed over the years from slapping, to spitting in my face to hitting, dragging me by my hair and throwing me down a set of stairs. Every time I would get angry about the porn, beg him to stop, he would react in violence. The porn addiction on top of the abuse and the excessive comments about women everywhere we went crushed my self esteem. Shattered it into unrecognizable pieces. It eventually go to the point where I had to go to women in crisis for help.

It has been 4 years since I left my boyfriend and I still to this day cannot watch certain shows without crying, cannot see certain actresses without feeling a sense of despair so strong that it affects me for days. I have stopped going to movies, festivals, malls, beaches, and various other locations that may have "girls" because it is a constant reminder of what I have been through. I still have nightmares about him. . It consumes my every waking moment, I censor all activities in my life and dread going out.

I feel lost and trapped at the same time...I need help.

SysTech Edit: Changed Title.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 1:54 pm 
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System Technician

Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 1:25 pm
Posts: 81
Adnarim, I'm very sorry that your thread hasn't been responded to. It was in the forum for Recovery Addicts in active Coaching, so the people in recovery wouldn't have been able to reply to it, and the people on the Partner's Healing side wouldn't have seen it. Moving it to the Partner's side now...

Regards,
SysTech


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:38 pm
Posts: 5
Not sure how my story ended up in the wrong area...but thank you so much for changing it for me. It is very appreciated!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 11:07 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:40 pm
Posts: 543
Dearest Adnarim35 –

Welcome to Recovery Nation. I too am sorry that your thread was lost! But it was found and that is a good thing!

I have read your story and I am so, so sorry for everything that you have been through. Living with someone who disrespects us in such horrible ways is traumatizing. It is good that you realize your need for help and healing. By establishing a vision for your life, and learning to internalize the values that uphold that vision, the partner’s lessons will help you find YOUagain.

I would also like to suggest, if you haven’t done so already, that you may want to see a therapist. This decision is totally up to you, but for me, combining the lessons in the RN workshop, personal RN coaching and ongoing outside personal therapy, I was able to find my way out of the darkness. It takes time, a lot of work and it is not easy, but it is worth every last second. You can be happy again!

The partner’s workshop is self-paced. What you get out of it will depend on the amount of time and effort you put in. The lessons build on each other, so it is very important not to skip around. Coaches and mentors will check in from time to time, but ultimately your healing is up to you. If you have any questions about your lessons, you are welcome to PM me, or you may post questions on the open forum, as there are many wise women willing to help.

Again, welcome!

Wishing you peace –
itstimeforme

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:54 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:38 pm
Posts: 5
It has taken me a long time to be able to come back on this site and post something in response. I am not exactly sure why...maybe fear that I cannot change the way I feel, that I have to just live with these feelings for the rest of my life. I really don't know. I want to try and get some help. To actually give this healing a fair chance.

Not much has changed. I still live in constant fear. Still can't go to certain places, avoid functions, I have basically mastered excuses and ways of getting out of things so that I can avoid the triggers that cause me to go into a deep depression. I still cry when I see certain actresses...and then feel so stupid because nobody seems to understand.

I would like to see a therapist, but unfortunately I live in a small community where there are no resources like that. The only thing left to do is to finally face this head on and continue with the steps on this website. I really feel like it can't hurt and I am grateful there is something like this online for people like me.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:13 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:38 pm
Posts: 5
What is my ideal vision of who I want to become?...that is surprisingly easy for me to answer. I want to be the person I was before I was in an abusive relationship. I liked that person. She was fun and confident. She knew what she wanted in life. Her family loved her, she had friends, and she would go out and do things without having to be bothered by if there was going to be "slutty" girls around.

So I guess my vision is this:

I see myself free of negative thoughts about myself. I see myself loving my body again, appreciating it. I see myself not judging it every day when I look in the mirror. I will believe people when they say I am beautiful.

I see myself being in nature again. Kayaking, swimming. Wearing a bathing suit for the first time in 7 years. I see myself going back out for hikes, walking, riding a bike through trails. Appreciating the gorgeous colours of fall...my favourite season.

I see myself being a good mom. I am currently 6 months pregnant (it’s a girl)...not with the guy who was abusive but with an amazing man who is very supportive of my struggles with everything I have been through. I see myself overcoming this pain so I can be a better wife and mother, knowing full well it will be a struggle.

I see the panic and fear of television and media subsiding. I see myself not slipping into a depression because of something I cannot control on television. I see myself not comparing myself to women in the media. To stop the negative talk inside my head like he is there and it just happened all over again.

I see myself not making excuses anymore...not going to certain places, seeing people. I see myself going out with my husband to have a good time. No matter who may be around.

I see myself believing that my husband loves me and that he does not want anyone else. That he is not defined by another man’s thoughts or actions. That not all men are created equal. I see myself finally letting him in, completely trusting him. He deserves it.

I see myself not basing my decisions off of what could happen, this unknown, this constant fear that "maybe" it will turn out the way it did before. I see myself happy.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 3:54 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm
Posts: 542
adnarim,

I love the idea that you have a strong sense of who you want to be, because you have a history of being that woman. Know that you still exist as this same person, and it is possible for you to live your life happy again.

Your vision for your life is one of the most important exercises in this workshop, and so many of the following exercises will build off of it. One way that you can squeeze the most out of this particular exercise is to really picture this life in detail. Try to avoid making "I will not" statement (such as your point about making excuses) and focus on the "I will" statements. What will you do to replace that things that you are going to avoid doing? I would also encourage you to take each of the points that you mention, and describe how you are incorporating it into your life.

For example, when you say that you see yourself being a good mother, what does this mean to you? How does one be a good mother? What are you doing in this vision that makes you a good mother? How do you love your body and appreciate it? What sorts of things are you doing that show that you love and appreciate your body?

I think that you have a good balance here of internal focus and external changes. You've covered a broad area of points, from focusing on your thought processes to your hobbies and activities, to your relationships with your child and your husband.

Make this vision work for you. You are doing great so far!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 7:48 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:38 pm
Posts: 5
Thank you for your response and support. I think you make some very good points. I think one of the things I struggle with the most is truly believing that I can become the person I was before...or at least a healthy version of myself now. I want so desperately to change yet there is a constant voice inside my head that says I have gone too far down this road that I cannot get back. Almost like trying to un-see something. It feels impossible at times. That being said, I am unwilling to simply surrender to that idea. That is what I have done for the last 7 years and I am tired of living this way.

You asked me: When you say that you see yourself being a good mother, what does this mean to you? How does one be a good mother? What are you doing in this vision that makes you a good mother?

One of the things I am scared by in becoming a mother is that I will somehow project the fears I have onto my daughter. I do not want my daughter to have a Mother who is scared of everything, who can't bring her certain places because I want to avoid situations that trigger my depression. I have made a promise to myself that I will not deny her something because of my fears. I will fight through the fear and hopefully over time I will see that these experiences of going out are not as traumatic as I have built them up in my mind. I am hoping to re-condition myself and not let the post traumatic stress kick in. I won't lie...it will be incredibly difficult.

You also asked: How do you love your body and appreciate it? What sorts of things are you doing that show that you love and appreciate your body?

I have noticed that whenever I look in the mirror I focus on the things I do not like...or the things that he did not like. I have decided to stop the negative talk and focus on the things I do love about myself. I figure even though this is not the biggest step to loving myself, it is a start. So instead of telling myself my freckles are hideous, I focus on my eyes instead. Which I do love. Every time I allow myself to focus on my positives is one less time I am having negative self talk...for me that is a huge step!

I have also noticed lately that I have focused so much of my time and energy on physical worth. I never allowed myself to focus on the other parts of me that make me who I am. For example: I have a great career. I am an ICU Nurse and I am great at my job. I am currently planning on getting my Masters in Nursing. I have always been a good student when in school and have a strong work ethic. I am a good daughter, and sister.

I am more than just a piece of meat.


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