Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Nov 19, 2018 4:50 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 47 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:35 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Thanks CoachMel. I appreciate the support!
Quote:
As far as you being the one with the problem~I hope you know this is not the case... just because his friends and community support him does not mean that he is right~human beings tend to set up their environments to support themselves so why would his friends disagree with him~they're his friends! I was the black sheep girlfriend... "none of the other girls mind"... ~riiiiiight~ well, maybe none of the other girls had the gall to speak up!


I'm glad I found this forum. As of now, the only person I have to talk to about this is my mom as she completely understands what I'm going through. My best friend listens to me but has no advice to offer. Her H is pretty heavily into porn but she insists it's not an issue and that she'd rather him look at that than have sex with someone else. I wish more women would take a stand and not believe the whole "boys will be boys" scenario.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:22 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
2. The Traumatic Discovery Lesson 2:A Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings.

When you look at porn it makes me feel betrayed and like you'd rather be with them than me. It makes me feel unwanted and unloved. Like I'm not good enough. I can't compete with fake women. I think porn has ruined the way you view women. I hate how you sexualize every woman you see and especially how you think it's ok to let me know what you think of other women. I feel like you've made a fool out of me by sneaking around which makes me distrust you and I feel like I need to check up on you. I can usually tell something is going on even if I can't find the evidence. Which puts up my wall and we start the cycle all over again. As far as sex goes, I have a real issue having sex with you when I know you've been looking at porn. I will not be used as glorified masturbation. Meaning I won't let you use me while you fantasize about other women. I know you think that porn has nothing to do with me and maybe that's the problem. Sex (all forms) should only be with me. I want you to feel the same way I feel about you. You are the only one I want and the only one I think about. Other men don't even show up on my radar.

When I feel hurt by you, my wall goes up. It's my way of trying to protect myself from being hurt by you again. If I don't care, you can't hurt me. You see this as me not loving you and being disinterested in you when the opposite is true. You mean the world to me. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to believe that and not have to question it. If we can work this stuff out, it will bring us closer.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:38 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Lesson 2:B Upon completion of your personal letter, it will be your task to write one more. This one, a letter from your partner to you. In this letter, take some time to think about what it is you would say, "if you were them". How would you apologize? How would you offer reassurance? How would you explain the behavior?
This is what I want my b/f to say to me. Which is basically what he does say when he's caught. The kicker is that I want him to MEAN every word and not lay it on thick so I will forgive him.

I hate what I have done to you. It kills me to know I've hurt you. I love you so much words can't describe. I believe you are my sole mate and we are meant to be together forever. I have no excuse for what I've done. All I can say is that it's not you. You are the most beautiful, sexy woman. I don't want anyone else. I'm sorry I made you feel anything less than my perfect mate. I am commited to you in every way and will work as hard as possible to make things right between us. The porn is gone. The womanizing is done. I will do what I need to do to stay healthy and aware of how my actions affect you. I hope I can regain your trust and that you can forgive me. I can't imagine my life without you in it.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
3. The Traumatic Response Lesson 3:A Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

Maybe I'm too numb to honestly do this lesson right now. My feelings on my bfs actions keep flip flopping. Am I making too big of a deal out of him JUST looking at porn? Is this really just a problem that I have with confidence in myself or is it more? I am going out of town next weekend and he will be left alone without me to babysit his every move. I'm very anxious about that. I still feel the urge to check up on him although I am trying not to act on it. Next weekend will be a big test for me. I am however getting better at listening to his comments (jokes as he would say) about other women and not making it about me which is helping me keep my sanity.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:04 pm 
Offline
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
Quote:
Am I making too big of a deal out of him JUST looking at porn?

Have you checked out the links on this site?
To give yourself peace of mind you may wish to do some more educational research... you can start with these links, there are more here on RN if you go to the home page...

http://www.recoverynation.com/main/pa.htm

additional information/Q&A:

http://www.sexhelp.com/
http://sash.net/content/view/35/66/
http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/addict_quiz.htm

Be well.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:39 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Thanks for the links, CoachMel. I am still having difficulty determining if it's an addiction. I don't see him using the porn to escape his feelings. Maybe I'm in denial. On the other hand I feel it must be an addiction if he won't stop even knowing how it hurts me. I guess it really doesn't matter. I'm here for me and the way I feel about him viewing porn.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:23 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Lesson3:B Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. (There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

I guess my main pattern that I can identify right now has to do with trust. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I don't now why I'm so afraid to be made a fool of. Like I'm supposed to know what's going on. I try to tell myself it's ok to trust but I need the satisfaction of being right. So I snoop to make sure I was right in trusting my b/f. Which means I wasn't really trusting him at all. I know how much it hurts when I find something so I don't know why I even put myself through it. How to overcome this, I don't know. I guess taking the time to convince myself that even if he has fallen back into porn that it's not a reflection of me. I need to stop seeing myself through his eyes (or what I think I look like though his eyes) and use my own eyes to see myself.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
4. Inside the Sexualized Mind Lesson 4:A Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

Viewing porn
Gawking at women
Making sexual comments about women
Groping me
Renting movies with the hope of nudity and being disappointed none was shown
Cruising singles sites


Last edited by curemyobsession on Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:41 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Lesson 4:B Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner? How do YOU think that such patterns can be resolved?
I'm having trouble with this part because it all seems part of the same thing.
His porn watching is part of his sexualized mind, his objectified mind and his need for immediate gratification. Gawking at women is both his sexualized mind and his objectified mind as is making sexual comments about women and groping me. Renting movies with the hope of nudity and being disappointed none was shown is just a replacement when porn was not available. And a way to get off in a sense with me there. The all or nothing perception comes into play when he thinks he can't stop looking at porn because he always has.

I'm still at a loss to how he can overcome these patterns. It's hard for me to empathize with addiction because I have always been able to use my willpower. So in my head, he should just stop. I know this is unrealistic.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:17 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
6. The Values Inventory Lesson Six:

A. Make a list of at least ten values that you strive to base your life upon. Those values that guide your decisions, your actions. It is important that you consider the type of person that you want to be, as well as the type of person that you are. The goal will be to create a list of values that accurately represent who you are and the type of life that you want to lead.


Live by the golden rule- treat others how I want to be treated.
Be true to myself -don't conform to others opinions.
Optimism- keep negative thoughts from dragging me back into depression.
Live in the present, not the past.
Honesty- be honest with myself and others about my true feelings.
Fairness- be fair in what I expect of myself and others.
Compassion- for people as well as animals.
Commitment- stick w/ what I commit to do.
Caretaking- especially my kids but anyone close to me. (I need to add caring for others without losing myself!)

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

Live by the golden rule- I would want to be forgiven for my mistakes and given a second chance.
Be true to myself - I know how I feel about porn and I'm not going to let anyone change my mind or make me feel wrong.
Optimism- Weather he gets help or not. If I stay or go, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass.
Live in the present, not the past. Stop bringing up his past failures. Instead recognize he is trying, even if it is baby steps by my standards.
Honesty- Tell him exactly how his actions are affecting me.
Fairness- Recognize that this is going to take time. He's been living this way for 26 yrs.
Compassion- Help him as best I can.
Commitment- Stand my ground on my boundaries. Continue the workshop.
Caretaking- especially my kids but anyone close to me. (I need to add caring for others without losing myself!) This one is tough! I need to be caring and not shut him out. Praise him for progress.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 18, 2011 1:08 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Back again. Although not surprised, it still hurts.

I thought I had gotten farther in the lessons... I can't remember why I stopped. I guess I got far enough through the lessons that the pain had subsided and I didn't feel the need to to continue.
I was not convinced he was actually addicted and that it was just something he had grown up with and around for so long that it would just take me explaining how it made me feel and he would stop. Wrong!

We had a few minor setbacks over the few years since I was here last. There was an incident where I went out of town to stay at his sister's house to give us some much needed space. I knew the way he was acting that something was up. He practically pushed me out the door! The next day I was awakened by a text from him and I can't remember what it said exactly but it was different than the usual from him and it prompted me to ask him if he needed to tell me something. He confessed to using my computer to access p while he was drunk the night before. My computer has blocked access which he had to hack into my email to access the P. I know blocking or monitoring access is somewhat frowned upon but my thought process was that he is not in recovery. (He doesn't think he has a problem.) I'm not gonna make it easy for him to cheat on me. Of course all the feelings came flooding back and I went back and forth trying to decide if this relationship was worth it. He convinced me it was because he was drunk. That it would never happen again. Yada yada...same ol' thing.

It was time to upgrade his cellphone. He chose a phone that needed a data plan. Which meant unrestricted internet access! To his credit, he noticed my anxiety and assured me he would never use it for p. That he wasn't "that stupid." I still obsessed about this for months. It came up again when I took the password off my laptop. Saying it didn't matter since he could access p from his phone anyhow. He swore up and down that he hadn't and wouldn't...ever. Even went so far to confess to looking at motorcycle magazines @ his brother's with scantily clad women. But there had been no p and wouldn't be...ever. Starting to sound familiar.

I have dealt with depression off and on since I was preteen. It takes a great deal of effort for me to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I have been having a particularly hard time this winter. I chalked it up to the weather and that I always feel somewhat down during the winter months. But this was much worse than I had felt in a loooong time. I thought maybe it was because when you are depressed, you really cant remember how painful it was when you do finally get out of the hole. Sort of like childbirth. You can't remember how truly painful it was. Maybe it was always this bad.

That brings us to the recent d-day. Sun, the day before Valentine's day. We were having a great day, just the 2 of us. My mom had the kids. In the afternoon I went to get the kids which is a 2 hr drive. When I came home, I noticed his yahoo email was open which he doesn't use (to my knowledge). When he went to the bathroom I took a peek. I found the usual p spam that one would expect to find from someone that used to surf p. I found comfort that none of them had been opened. I was just about to close it out when something told me to check the next page. On the next page there was an opened email from a company I know handles credit card transactions for p. My heart sank. I read and reread the date. Making sure it was after he had PROMISED me no more. It was from Oct 2010. He came out of the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I told him what I found. He just kept saying "it's nothing, it's nothing" while pulling me away from the computer and trying to hold me. I was shaking. I felt sick. The kids were home. We couldn't discuss this now. I couldn't speak anyhow. I went to take a shower to try to process things. We didn't talk about it any more that day. Went through the motions and he went to bed.

Here I was crying myself to sleep at night. Not knowing what was wrong with me. Feeling guilty for not trusting him. And he was indulging in p. AND LYING TO MY FACE ABOUT IT. Purposefully deceiving me by I'm sure using in private browsing. This is how I am repaid for trusting? Every Sunday when I "let" him stay home to watch "football" while I picked up the kids from my mom's.

We tried to talk about it the next day. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do to make me stay. I told him we needed counseling and he said..."is there anything else? What if I promise it won't happen again?" Like all the other times? Because it worked so well then! It was pretty much a one sided conversation that kept getting interrupted by the kids. Eventually we all went to bed with nothing resolved again.

The next day I told him I would accept doing workshops instead of seeing an actual counselor. But he had to keep an open mind and be honest. He agreed. We are going to start the couples workshops this weekend. I'm trying to be hopeful but I know he has to want this for himself and I can't force him into it. I'm hoping something will click for him. I know we have a loooong road ahead and he's looking for a quick fix. I have left the rn site open on my laptop hoping he would take a look around, but he just opens a new window. He did read that there are multiple stages and asked if this was all I found and couldn't we do a "quicker" one.


I had so much more written here but now it's gone. I'll have to come back to it later when I have time.
At any rate, here I am after discovering the use of p has not stopped as I thought.


Last edited by curemyobsession on Fri Feb 18, 2011 2:14 pm, edited 8 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 18, 2011 1:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
Ugh! So mad! I had this huge thing typed out. I've been working on it so long it logged me out and when I logged back in everything was lost...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:28 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
The weekend did not go as planned. My bf's sister has been calling and I keep blowing her off. We used to be close friends. In fact, she is how I met my bf. It's too hard to talk to her right now. I don't want to have to lie that things are going great and she is not someone I can confide in about pa. My words fall on deaf ears. She shares her brother's view point and really does not hide that they all just think I'm crazy for having a problem with p. Anyhow, my bf said that she had sent him a text asking why we hated her so he called her back and they talked for a bit. I asked him if they talked about the situation he and I were having and he said yes. My mind immediately went to how that conversation must have went and I could picture the two of them talking about me behind my back which really stung. Especially knowing she was probably taking his side and asking what was wrong with me that I have this problem. So that set off battle # 1 on Friday night. After trying to convince me that they weren't speaking bad of me and that he had sworn his sister to secrecy, he stormed off saying he couldn't do anything right.

It's really come to my attention how poorly my bf and I communicate. We are both really lacking the skills to address issues openly. When something is bothering me I have such a hard time sharing it with him. It's like the words are stuck in my throat. Most times I can't even put my thoughts into a sentence. When I do manage to get a sentence together, He will either sit there and take everything I say but not respond or respond with anger and leave the room.

After cooling down, he came back out and asked me how we can start on rn. I thought maybe it would be helpful if he looked around and maybe read some posts. Kinda got used to the layout, etc before we started the couple's workshop. He asked if he could read my posts. I want to be completely open and honest and I'm pretty sure we have discussed everything I have written about so I said he could. That was not a good idea. He was very mad at seeing his life written on a message board. I told him it was anonymous and no one would know who we were but he was still mad. Fearing everyone on here has already read about him and formed their judgements on was an a** he is. Even told me I had to find a new board where people didn't know me already. I haven't been on here since 2008. I doubt anyone even remembers the short time I was here.

He did have a point when he asked could I at least update my previous posts since he tries very hard to prevent triggers for me. He knows bringing home a movie with excessive nudity will cause problems so he tries not to rent them. If a scene comes on that he thinks I will have a problem with he will turn and look at me and try and strike up a conversation with me until the scene has ended. I know he is extremely uncomfortable when that happens and I really appreciate the effort. Just wish I didn't feel it was all an act to shut me up.

I think he has been reading some of the posts. Not sure what is going on in his head. I am hoping we can start the workshop tonight since the kids are supposed to be going with my mom for the night but I'm not sure if that is realistic or not. If we don't start together soon, I am going to start from the beginning individually since things have changed since 2008 and I obviously could use a refresher.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Stage One; Lesson Two
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
I have this morning to myself so it's a good time to work on me. Looks like the lessons have changed some as well. So starting over is a good idea. Stage 1 lesson 1 is done in a previous post so on to lesson 2.
Stage 1; Lesson 2: My Vision

I see myself spending more time with my children. I mean REAL time. I spend all day with them now but I am not really present. I often treat them as an annoyance. How awful! I will take time to interact with each one individually doing something that brings joy to THEM. Reading and doing art projects with the boys. Having mother/daughter days where we can go out to eat and talk. Go shopping or get our nails done. Something to validate to my daughter that she is important in my life.

I will work towards better communication to get my needs met. I will not be a doormat to anyone for any reason. Continue the rn workshop even if I am doing it by myself and even when the feelings have faded to a manageable state.

I see myself rekindling friendships I have let slip away and developing new friendships (this is very hard for me! I've never been good at making new friends!) and a strong support system. I see myself finding people that have the same values as I do so I don't feel like the black sheep anymore. Rn is a great place to start!

I see myself putting me first more often. Taking care of my needs to be healthy. I will start eating healthy again and start working out. I'm looking into buying a treadmill to get started on running. Running will also give me time to clear my head and think things through without outside distractions.

I will make a real effort to get out of the house!! I will not sit here and become a hermit. Start volunteering at the animal shelter with my daughter. This will give me an opportunity to meet new people.

I will devote time to work on my store and increase my sales possibly by redoing my website. I will not spend all day shopping for inventory as an escape.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 12:39 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:45 am
Posts: 64
I'm feeling pretty defeated today. I feel like the world is against me. I don't understand how so many women can tell themselves they are ok being used or actually take part in objectifying other women. They can't really be ok with it, can they?

I just don't have the time to put into this like I want to. Maybe I will try waking up before the kids so I can have an hour to myself.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 47 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group