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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2016 6:43 am 
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So still needing Tim to physically write letter, the feelings are still hard,but realising they have been caused by his actions,words, and I have been a victim of grooming,emotional abuse, the object of blame,and forced into an objectified role have made me feel relieved tbh, I know I did nothing to warrant any of it, today even husband has out words in my mouth,him scowling as if I was being unreasonable..when I didn't even say what he put down to me..it's as I he has objectified me..but into the role of the nasty wife,giving him the excuse to have to comfort himself..without guilt,
I have told hum I am doing online therapy as I realise I am having issues, I even apologised to him od putting pressure on him,how I put all my emotional needs into our relationship,by isolating myself and thinking he was the centre of my world, I said I was looking for therapy and if I was quiet or looked down at times,it was due to my finding out about myself and healing my issues..he said he hadn't noticed....and quickly changed the subject to mundane talk. I then said I knew he had problems opening up and dealing with emotional issues..again,he blanked it,saying he didn't have such problems..
Hence I have left it at that for the moment while I continue..once things have become easier and off the agenda,I will extend that into what I feel his issues are,and how I am healing my self,but because of his issues. I suspect we have dpiralled due to me trying to love him into not doing what he was, which has increased emotions pressure on hum,made me feel more rejected..on and on. Now I can see things a bit clearer,and can see how I have okayed into this pattern, I hope to end my side if it,and then discuss his Sa in a calm way, no threats and pressure,no questioning or tears..i am hoping I am stronger to do that soon.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:13 am 
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exercise 11, I have written the letter to my journal, where I express emotions, events and day to day thoughts and events, and things my husband does or says that hurt, or reflect his SA
I am not sure I can write one from him, as I can see he doesn't have the same emotional thoughts as me, that is clear, he has a reset button, and a self justify mode-I actually don't think he recalls what he has done from one incident to the next, so I cant see him ever writing to convey how sorry he is for what he has done to me, he has always said I am morbid, OTT, or dwell on unimportant things ..he has never been unfaithful..end of in his book.

exercise 12

where I am now: I am not sure, I feel sometimes I have disconnected, but then think it is rather denial, pushing the pain down again, at present I cannot communicate how deeply I am hurt to my husband, I have told him after various d days, how I have been hurt, but never told him about the deep damage that he has done, I am sure he wouldn't believe me tbh.
I find I am not so obsessed with checking, spying on im, I now know that is fruitless, I have no wish to keep finding out this or that fact, it is not often the urge comes upon me, and now I am, able to change my thoughts and get through it
I still find I am full of hate for the co worker, totally illogical, as supposedly..she knows nothing of this infactuation, in fact she would be horrified to find out he did..does watch her, I am sure on cctv also as I have seen it covers her office, and I am sure he does watch, and all the other things I believe he does in the workplace...but she is the first and only person I know and can put all my anger onto, sadly, I am fighting this jealousy, but I does pop up, as I find it hard to bear recalling his words on paper to her, and all the years of him saying he lacked passion to me.
I am in a better place regarding self esteem, well on the personal level, I realise his behaviour doesn't reflect on me, or what I have done, said, or looked like over the years,
I do, however feel, depressed, more with the fact I allowed myself to be used so, and that I saw red flags and in my need for love, dismissed them, thinking they were changeable etc, so I am angry with myself about my own judgement,desicions etc
I am finding I am not needing to be with him so much, funny, today I said I would rather do something else when he asked if I wanted to stay with him- in fact is was him saying.."Don't you want to be with me" after so long of him making snide comments of me never giving him room, freedom etc and having to follow him around
I don't feel so attracted to him, I put this down to my realising I have an issue with love addiction, living in a fantasy, with him as prince charming and me desperate to have this intense romantic connection with him,
I also don't feel as needy, or pushy sexually, as I realise my use of sex was a cry for intimacy, and needing to know he loved me all the time, insecurity, and a futile hope it would make him want me more -and that wanting sex all the time was to do with needing to reassure and comfort myself, the rejection or half hearted responses only made me feel worse, so I am feeling better in that way.
I know I have a long way ot go, I am wondering if I have PTSD tbh, as I ma still triggered very easily, have flash backs and bad dreams.
but I don't feel as worthless as I did, the realisation of the facts, SA etc has lifted the fog, but seeing I had my first d day a week after our wedding..and then periodically throughout our 33 year maariage, alongside the emotional treatment, and coldness of my husband, blaming etc- I feel there is a lot of buried pain to come out, I am stil to find a therapist, but am looking to do so, as I do wonder if I can do this alone
the things I expect, are much what keep popping up and have done for years
depression. I will and do try mediation, changing toughts, I do work a bit, and volunteer so I am not alone mulling things over too long
bitterness, I am overcoming this, realising it makes me feel bad, so I stop bad thoughts and get busy
crying, I cant help this ..and it comes from no where, even a song can trigger it, so I do still cry a lot.
anger, I try ot change the thoughts, and do something to make me happy, gardening etc

exercise 13,
this will take time, as I now realise from the beginning, I and our lives have been affected to a great extent,


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:57 pm 
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Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
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Quote:
as time goes by I feel I am discovering more about myself than I ever have,…I am practising mindfulness too,as I realise I spent too long worrying about what has been,what might be etc. So feel more positive each day.
Very good news

Quote:
its been all my adult life I have spent with him and in this situation, so building my self esteem, and self worth, boundaries is taking time
Yes, this will take time and there is nothing wrong with that. And, if you decide to stay or if you decide to leave is no one’s choice to make but your own and is best made from a place of feeling whole and free to make the choice based on your values and your vision.

Quote:
so I am concentrating on myself, in the hope I will be strong enough to take what I know will be thrown at me when I try to discuss what I believe his problem is.
Good. As you do this, you may also wish to consider what you hope to get out of having this conversation with him. What would your ideal outcome be? What is the likely outcome? What are you really wanting? Will having the conversation with him give you that? How else can you get that for yourself?

Quote:
Not sure what is up with me last few days,…been in a fantasy drama of my own making, beating my self up,suddenly i am not and it feels as if i am a large void, i should see it as a positive..a large space i am now going to fill with my self care and wants and needs..not his. When the time is right i will tackle explaining all this to him.
It sounds like you are in transition moving toward acceptance and true detachment, but still somewhat hanging on (hence the experience like you have just lost your fight). I think you are onto something when you talk about seeing it as a positive large space that you can now fill with things that you value. Hang in there! I hope that when you do approach this with him that you are in a similarly lucid and detached space.

Quote:
I do, however feel, depressed, more with the fact I allowed myself to be used so, and that I saw red flags and in my need for love, dismissed them, thinking they were changeable etc, so I am angry with myself about my own judgement,desicions etc
I am sorry that you blame yourself in this regard. Always know you did the best you could in the context you were in given the life experiences and skills you had at any given time. This is the beauty of the workshop because you are learning new skills and developing self-knowledge and insight—you are growing. This is apparent through your lesson responses. While it is painful it is worthwhile and you will be more wise and self-aware which will naturally lend to building self worth-especially if you can allow yourself that you have always done the best you could at any given moment. It is okay to ignore red flags when you are not ready or equipped to deal with them. If you were equipped, you would have dealt differently. There is nothing wrong with where you were nor where you are. Know that you are not alone in your journey, although your journey is unique to your specific experiences and context. Keep going-you are doing great work!

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2016 12:55 am 
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Thankyou for the response, I do feel stronger now I can see the issues,and am not clouded in thinking I was to blame and constantly trying to make him act or love me. I also have achieved the bubble I actually have a physical action to help myself believe I am in a force field,by running my hands over my body about a foot distance, when the bs or putdowns start, it works, husband does look bemused though.
I have told him I am doing online therapy for myself and that I am looking to seek therapy one to one shortly. I said I had issues that i needed help with, next I will explain the Sa stuff.
I realise I am no longer wanting to talk him to change or control him,but to let him know the truth as I see it,and how I feel I have been damaged and that I cannot go on in denial,and that I cannot accept the reset button any more.it hopefully will give me the opportunity to set boundaries too,as I am working on those, I no longer am in the mindset that I have to let him do this or that or he will leave,I have realised that is my issue of abandonment, and never setting boundaries through fear.
Even now he has set the reset button and wen I am quiet or down he goes on about moving to a nice area,nice hour, cruise we could do in future... Unfortunately i now regard this as future faking,pacifying as I have lost trust in his motives,and interpret his words and actions differently now.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 4:12 am 
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Just finished reading Out of the shadows, about sex addiction..it sums us up oedcectlh, I am the fypical co addict, somuch makes sense..i am recalling things said and done,
What saddens me is my daughters comment the other day,aboutbow her dad never talks to her,no relationship etc..it I true,he communicates on a shallow level,jokes etc but backs off I any serious issue, I am now taking all tho in,and how he sexualizes everything, but totally backs off if I ever take that as a come on..things making sense, I was damaged before we met, I see that now, and this has brought all that out, now I can stop my cycles and think about my problems in relationships..


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 5:12 am 
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Exercise Thirteen

A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..

Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves — as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.

B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2" — what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.


1. self doubt, constantly wondering what I had done wrong, or if husband loved me.
3. lack of trust, knowing in my gut something wasn't right, being accused of not trusting, dismissing red flags, thinking it was my trust issues
1. lack of self worth, being rejected, talked down too, ignored,
4. irritability, due to frustration
4. jealousy due to lack of time husband spent with me, and did spend with others or at work
2. isolation, cut myself off, and got wrapped up in overthinking, putting myself down as a failure. but also husband cut us off, falling asleep or being rude if we had people round, or visited, to the extent I was embarrassed to go places.
1. not causing conflict, scared to talk to husband, or have any quarrel as he would shout me down, scared I would lose him
1. not voicing opinions, to try to agree with him to avoid conflict
1. not communicating, times when he was sulking, and any converstation I made was ignored, or he "pretended" or fell asleep
2. denying my need for intimacy, or sex, stopped dressing up, as that made me realise I could be sexy, so made me fear I would be unfaithful, also, the feeling of stupidity when I was ignored, or jokes were made about my attire.
6. anger, just a build up of everything misting my thoughts - self pity also

7. relationships with my kids, due to being obsessed with keeping husband happy, ie, he was short tempered as kids were intruding on his privacy..I kept them away form him etc, spent a lot of time keeping babies quiet as he would get in a temper. spending time passifying him or tying to appease him, feeling if only I attended to his needs more etc..so I put kids second to him
3. stopped going out as I was scared what he was doing while I was out, constantly imagining what he was doing, coming back early so to try to catch him etc, but also feeling if I wasn't with him, he wouldn't love me.
1. stopped seeing friends, as couldn't talk to anyone, and too much pain seeing other couples happy, couldn't open up or have carefree conversations as they would talk about how their husband did tis or that, and I knew mine slept mostly when home, and worked long hours


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 6:11 am 
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Exercise Fourteen

In Stage One; Lesson Two of the Partner's Workshop, you were asked to develop a general vision for your life. This vision focused on developing an anchor to health and stability by allowing you to identify and re-attach yourself to those areas of your life that you truly value. Now, you are asked to create a second vision. This one is more of a 'mini-vision', isolated to how you will manage your life over these next few months — through your healing (and your partner's recovery — if applicable).

To assist you in developing this limited, practical vision, here are a few questions to ask/answer. Think about the questions in normal type; answer the questions that are italicized in your healing thread.


*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.

I can't see I can do anything. I do want to discuss that I feel he is addicted to sex. and the state of our marriage, but rather to draw a line in the sand and know we can't go back ot the elephant in the room scenario. To put an end of me not wanting to get into conflict or upset the apple cart. but I am working on a time, and how to broach this as not to do it with emotion, or judgement. more to tell him I know it is a problem he has, not just a simple "titillation" thing

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?

I ma aiming not to do any snooping, tough easy to say. I have to keep myself busy when I get the urge or gut feeling.
I have thus far checked a bulging work jacket pocket..to find womens pants he has taken from work changing rooms, I need ot tell myself I know mostly everything he would like to act out by now. and it is fear of him not loving me that is motivating me mainly, now I realise I cant control, I talk myself down

*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?
I wont let him damage my values any more, no more enabling, or allowing myself to be used. I will say no. not sure how to stop tings that don't involve my taking part, ie what do I tell him about writing and sending cards to co workers? I have said it hurts me, but nothing else. boundaries are seeming hard for me, as he doesn't seem to take notice and I am not strong enough for hard boundaries

*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

viewing porn online I can tolerate, but again, he will keep it secret, so I wont know unless I checked
ogling the girls, I cannot stop him doing this
unfaithful physically, seeing escorts again. I think I have to realise if this is happening again, after telling him my pain, it will prove I cannot trust him going into the future,

*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility — both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?

I wont take any responsibility in changing him, I have asked him too many time, told him how I feel, I can tell him what I see, the pattern of his behaviour and set it out to show him it is an addiction. but not sure how to change him,
I am working on changing myself to cope with what lies aead, rather than changing him. I have been there, and I know it wont work

*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?

I will share my needs, what I hope for. I am having real trouble voicing concerns, I need something to trigger courage to bring up what I know to be the problem and to make it clear it has,is, destroying what we have and making me re evaluate our future

*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen

I am not sure, I do know I will need to make the first move,as he won't admit, or even realise he has a problem, I think he probably feels he isnt attracted to me..and therefore justifies his need for satisfying feelings of lust..

*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication

We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals: I need to stop being passive aggressive..and be brave enough to bring subject up,I am too used to being shouted down etc
I am seeking counselling to try to see if I can gain this

*Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.

Focus on my value as a person,self worth..knowing now that neglecting my values gains nothing,changes nothing.
More outside interests, volunteering to keep from being isolated,to keep me grounded in how normal people function and treat me
If I get emotional I go with I, and know I v
Can change my mind set, knowing he is Sa help me realise my emotions are not about me..and to stop going into victim node

*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?
If he becomes open,non defensive, not so irritable, and less sexualised talk.


*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?
Hr will become irritable, snappy, try to isolate himself, he will have a hardened look on his face,usually he will not joke or acknowledge my jokes,or attempt at being humourous, he becomes annoyed if I am overly happy


These are just some of the questions that you will want to consider and prepare yourself for. There are potentially many others. List anything additional that you feel is important in preparing yourself to face this transition in your life/relationship over the next few months.

I will need to be able to communicate with him on deeper issues, he will have to listen rather than walk away or shut me down, this will be hard as he shuts down when anything involving emotion is brought uo


Last edited by jenny56 on Tue Jul 12, 2016 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2016 7:56 am 
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keeping busy, volunteering, and building that bubble, haven't been snooping too much, only a quick check when my gut tells me something is up, re thongs in pocket..and work bag-


Last edited by jenny56 on Sat Jul 02, 2016 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 3:48 am 
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Well, first time I have had this situation

After husband had been decorating a house,I was helping fir a day or two, a girl was staying there for uni, others were boys and away...the day after he was working there alone, he took his work clothes to wash..and I found a pair of Anne summers panties on the stairs..
I immediately thought he had stolen them from the girls drawers,or laundry,they were not unworn,..my suspicions based on the previous find.
Then I felt guilty, and took them into daughter..who promptly said she didn't own them and they were size too small..although she said they may have been from ages ago,but she's had never worn such a pair... now I am back to first explanation. have them with the others. But feeling so sick that husband is doing this,the girl was younger than my daughter, was alone in the house. Staying there because her boyfriend has a room there,and she needed a place till uni breaks up, she was so nice, chatted to her while I was there..i feel used and ashamed for what I imagine my husband has been doing..objectifying her,and taking her pants..again I remain silent,


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 12:15 pm 
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Exercise Fifteen

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?


I have only read online, and found this forum.
I haven't told anyone in the real world, the shame is intense. I am volunteering now, but wouldn't put this on anybody tbh
I am still hoping to pluck up courage to find a therapist


B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.


*volunteering,
*new part time job
*putting more time into helping my mum
*reading recoverynation workshop
Therapist - I am still trying to get the courage fir this,as speaking about this I something I have not done, I still can't even tell husband about what I feel has happened and what I feel is the problem

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?

I have never been anyone elses support before:( I have isolated myself all my life due to the shame of this,
I am supporting my mother in her dementia, with is a support she doesn't know I am giving
I support my kids, but that is advisory, and no major problems


Last edited by jenny56 on Sun Jul 03, 2016 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 12:21 pm 
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Exercise Sixteen

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

honest
sharing
reliable
trustworthy
loving
understanding
loyal
supportive
open
caring

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

I can remain loyal, and caring
I can refrain from becoming angry with partner,
I can stop trying to trap him in words, or lies
I can be understanding that he cannot help himself
I can be strong and know it isn't myself that has an issue, I have done nothing wrong and am not unworthy of love

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical — with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.

I feel my core values are much the same.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:13 am 
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just emailed a counsellor, feel sick, I couldn't even write down what the exact addiction was, I feel so ashamed and paranoid, as I used my email and name, so someone other than me now knows I have a problem


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2016 2:02 pm 
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I have come to a bit of a full stop,regards the lessons, I have read and read exercise seventeen, and I am struggling

It may be due to finding counselling,I have had two sessions and it has knocked me sideways, I opened up about my marriage for the first Tim person to person, she confirmed the belittling and told me he would not change, that he had the problem and that counselling was to look at me, to make me better to make decisions..things about what I got from the marriage..etc, suddenly my husband feels like an Ogre I don't. Recognise and I cant stop crying, I feel I am fighting reality,I can see I am so deep in denial that I am terrified the counselling is making face the fact my marriage cant be saved,
She confirmed he needs to be told about his addiction..but says only I know how to and his reaction..i have printed out bits about addicts and slipped them in the new stashes of clothes he has hidden under bed..i feel he will act out as he is so off with me,as if he cant bear to talk or be with me and that is hurting doubly as i now know he wants to act out..i am a thorn in his side., Next session I will start learning how to separate myself emotionally from him, I really hope I feel better, I am not telling him i am going. But how come i feel compelled to tell him...i won't,as i think it is the ned to tell him how he has hurt me making me want to tell him,i need to try to regain some emotional stability and confront this, she made it clear it wouldn't go away..the pain is somehow worse,but evidently counselling dies this at the start. I do know it is impossible to me to keep going as i was before,and that makes me fel some relief.
Exercise 17 to follow


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 10:53 am 
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Ex 17

I am attending counselling for my self, and finding it helpful and relief.
I am looking for adult education classes as recommended by my counsellor, and intend to book some, as I have found a course near me and at a suitable time, update, I have enrolled on this course, despite all my making excuses and still feeling I need to seek permission from husband.
I am spending more time volunteering, and feeling worthwhile
I am continuing my part time job,hoping to extend my hours and doing a workbased qualification
I am spending more time with my kids and mum and not rushing home, fearing what husband will be up to, and feeling if I am not at his beck and call I am to blame for him acting out etc
I am taking time for myself, to relax and not obsess on things I cannot control
I am feeling relieved yo be able to talk about the weeks events to my counselor, I even out a porn blocker on our pc, after we had had sex, I felt he was distant again, on checking cache o discovered he had been watching fetish porn all afternoon before we had a lovely evening g and sex..then the following day he wa back looking at porn.
I found the strength to pit on a porn blocker, husband then obviously tried to get into his sites..couldnt and then sulked and wouldn't look at me, I couldn't find the strength to say I knew why he was angry
Counselor is talking me through why I am scared I voicing my needs or opinions etc to husband..
He is saying hr will get a tablet of his own..well and good,but I am holding to my decision with porn blocker on our pc, I just need to be able to say it openly to him.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 5:50 am 
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Exercise 18

Conflict of values in my life

The giving in to online involvement and being groomed to possible sexual encounters,allowing husband to meet for sexual encounters.
I didn't say anything,but just hoped to myself nothing would happen. In reality if a meeting would have been set up. I don't think I would have gone, but I didn't voice this,and just kept the resentment inside

I see conflicts in values if husband wants to do these things again, now I know it is an addiction, I will not lower my values about sexual encounters with strangers, I will voice my objections and reasons.

Affairs,or meeting strangers,escorts , I now feel I cannot tolerate, as I have told husband how this would destroy me, if he now did these things it would show to me that he disregards my pain and has no respect. It could end our marriage, though I am struggling with boundary issues.
I will no longer tolerate porn viewing on our pc, husband has said he will buy his own tablet,now sites are blocked, but I cannot police him,only protect our pc.


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