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PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 1:08 pm 
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Posts: 39
Exercise Thirty-Three
Rather than labeling yourself 'codependent', it is much healthier to think in terms of the patterns that you have engaged in that may be obstructing the recovery and/or healing process.
A. What patterns are you NOW ENGAGING IN that may be impeding the healing/recovery process? What unhealthy roles/thought patterns might you be holding onto?

I'm still struggling with a lack of trust. I don't know if I can trust what he says, what he does, where he's been, etc. Our relationship is in an unequal state in the sense that I am the one working, he is going to school and not working. In that sense, I am in a parentified position. Neither of us likes this, but until he graduates from school (fortunately this will finally be in 3 more months) and returns to work this will continue to be a factor in our relationship dynamic. At times, he tells me he thinks I'm trying to control him and his life, but honestly this couldn't be farther from what I want. I do NOT want to control his life, I want him to control his own life and take responsibility for his own decision making.

B. Of these patterns/roles, what have you done/think you should do to change them?
If you did not relate to anything in this lesson, there is no need to respond to this exercise.

I am trying to let my guard down even through it scares me because I don't want to put myself into the position of being let down yet again as I have been so many times in the past. I know it is the only way to move forward. I do see (what at least appears to be) genuine changes and a true shift in him toward health and honesty. I am trying to give him the space to do this and in giving him this space, I'm trying to steer clear of blaming and imposing my resentment onto him. I am looking forward to what life will be like once he finishes his school program and is working FT as this will naturally rebalance our relationship, at least from a financial perspective.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:44 pm 
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Exercise Thirty-Four
A. Consider the consequences of your partner's behavior over the course of your lifetime. How might they affect future decisions that you make? What positive roles might these consequences play in your life?

Less trust exists. I am unlikely to put myself in a position of having to rely completely on my partner for anything, i.e., financial, health, etc. The only positive role this consequence plays is to not set myself up in a situation that I cannot escape from or ensure my needs are met.

B. Referring specifically to your partner, take some time to consider the addictive patterns over the course of his/her lifetime. Imagine your partner as a child. Imagine them as a teen. Imagine them as an adult. Imagine them in other relationships. Gain a firm grasp as to how similar patterns have helped them to manage their life. What thoughts come to mind?

His parents withheld affection, never talked about traumatic things that occured in their family, always swept things under the rug, he found relief in masturbation/sex as a child and this carried into his adulthood.

C. What does it mean to 'humanize' your partner? Why is this important in forgiveness and in seeking closure to the current crisis?

To look at him as a complex humanbeing, not just someone who has wronged me. This is important as he is more than just someone who has hurt me deeply.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:52 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Forty-One
I. For this exercise, put your intellect away. Mourning is an emotional experience, not an intellectual exercise. How you achieve the goals outlined in the lesson should be unique to you. The only critical directive is that, when you have properly mourned for your losses, take at least fifteen minutes (several hours, preferably) to celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life. Your experiences. To recognize the ebb and flow of your life span and your current place within it. To reconnect to your individuality, your esteem and to the control that you have over your future.

II. Optional, share your experiences with this process. Again, don't worry about the intellectual aspects of communicating. Just share. Let it make no sense to anyone but yourself, if needs be. Just share your thoughts as an individual who is breaking free/has broken free from the grasp of another's addiction.

Stop defining myself in terms of my partner's addiction, remember happy times in my life and many unhappy and traumatic experiences I have suffered over the course of my life. Remember that I have recovered from past trauma and moved on to being happy again, I am moving in that direction finally again now. I am a wonderful person worthy of being celebrated and deserve to surround myself by others who celebrate me and feel I am worthy of celebration.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:43 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Forty-Two
#1: Consider the following situations and share what your response would be in each:
Your partner is contacted by an old romantic partner that they haven't seen in many years. Not wanting to keep any secrets from you, they tell you exactly when the person will be in town and would like your permission to catch-up over dinner.

I would say okay, but that I would like to attend the dinner as well.

You come home early from work and find your partner masturbating to porn on the Internet. Upon seeing you, they quickly close down the computer and lie about what they were doing.

Tell him I saw what he was doing. Ask him to come clean and be honest with me about it. Ask him to tell me what is going on in his life to lead him back to viewing porn. Ask him why he felt the need to lie to me. See if he can find a path to being open and honest with me. If he can't be honest with me about this, do a serious evaluation of why I am putting myself in a situation where I am allowing this from my spouse. Determine whether it is worth it to stay in the marriage and seriously consider divorce if honesty does not occur.

You suspect that your partner is lying to you about where they were, but you have no proof.

Ask my partner where they were. Tell them of my suspicion that they are lying and why I am feeling suspicious.

You find yourself feeling frisky and so you make a few sexual overtures towards your partner that are quickly brushed off. You are feeling hurt and rejected.

Tell him I feel hurt and rejected and why.


After discovering that your partner had been involved in many affairs over the course of your marriage, you experience the urge to ask your partner if he had an affair while you were pregnant some eight years ago.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2017 2:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Forty-Three
A. Make a list of values/goals relating to your existing relationship (or future relationship) that you can use to help guide you. Ensure that you limit this list to what is absolutely necessary in establishing/maintaining the relationship.

Complete honesty. Respect. Openness.

B. For each value listed, what boundaries do you have in place that will ensure that this value remains protected?

Complete honesty -
Boundary:
When we communicate, all questions will be answered in specifics and not in generalizations. we will make every effort to offer all relevant information without having to be asked for it. An omission of information will be treated the same as a lie. We will each subscribe to a policy of absolute honesty towards each other.
Action:
If partner caught lying, or omitting important information, I will ask why this was done and expect nothing less than 100% honesty. Further lies will result in sleeping in separate rooms at minimum, continued lies will result in divorce.

Value:
Respect.
Boundary:
We will speak to each other respectfully, which includes open and honest communication. Approach each other with care and protection of each other's feelings. Mindful listening and a true effort to understand each other will be made. No yelling or name calling. No gaslighting.
Action:
If it feels to either of us that the other is not making a true effort to understand where we are coming from, this will be voiced and discussion (not heated argument) will occur in an effort to further understanding each other. If gaslighting, name calling, or yelling takes place, the one identifying that this is happening will voice recognition of it calmly and request and honest discussion. If this request is not honored, discussion will end until both people can come to the table with an open heart and open mind.

Value:
Openness
Boundary:
Feelings, both positive and negative, are not only revealed, but discussed honestly when issues arise. When feeling anxious or threatened, we will turn toward one another to reduce these feelings rather than turning away from each other to deal with them on our own or with someone else. When questions are asked, they are directly answered honestly. Sharing inner most feelings is done on a regular basis and information is offered when it is not specifically requested.
Action:
If it is discovered that information that should have been shared openly has not been, we will ask why it was withheld and require an honest answer. If feeling anxious or threatened and turn away from your partner to ease anxiety elsewhere (i.e., porn, sexual acts with others, etc.), the fact that it occurred needs to be disclosed so that we can develop a plan to reduce/minimize the risk of such behavior occurring again. If such behavior continues and husband is not approaching me with complete openness, I will be forced to move ahead with my life without him. Divorce.

C. For each goal, what will be your initial response at the first sign of action contrary to that goal?
Ask him why he has chosen to lie to me, disrespect me, and not be open with me. I will ask calmly and request a respectful discussion where he is free to be completely open and honest with me, so that we can explore together why boundaries are being violated. I expect an honest and mature response and a true effort to avoid future boundary violation.


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