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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 1:33 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Fifteen
A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

Only one. My husband's therapist. I have attended a couple therapy sessions with him and find him to be a healthy source of support. He has worked with clients with addictions for 40 years and really seems to know what he's doing. His responses have boosted my confidence that my husband is getting guidance from a knowledgeable individual and not a "quack". He does not believe in the 12 step approach as a canned approach for all addiction. He feels that different modes of treatment work for different types of people, which I think is realistic. My husband also told him about RN and he spent some time reading info on this site and found it to be a very helpful supplement to his weekly sessions with my husband. I haven't really found anything he has done or said to be disruptive.

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.
*my cats
*mindfulness meditation
I think this is part of my problem, I can't think of any more. Any suggestions are appreciated.

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?

I helped a friend who was going through a divorce. It was a positive experience for me because she didn't rely on only me for all of the emotional support she needed. She expressed her anger and her sadness, but also sought to find solutions to help her move through these emotions. She was solution focused and didn't allow herself to get stuck in the muck. Because of this, she didn't drain my emotional resources, so I was able to provide her support when she needed it. I can't think of anything I would have done differently. The only way I can think of in how to use these insights would be to reach out and talk to a friend about what I'm going through. My issue is that my very close friends ( like the one discussed in this example) would likely be more interested in helping me deal with my current situation if I were leaving my marriage, which I am not doing at this time. I am fearful that if I disclose what I am going through, that I would be encouraged to leave my marriage, instead of working through this and trying to save my marriage, which is is what I am wanting at this time. I don't think my friends would know how to support me in the way I am needing right now. I think they would be protective of me, harshly judge my husband, and if my marriage is ultimately able to survive this storm, I don't think my friends would ever be able to find a way to forgive my husband's behavior. I think this because, before this happened in my relationship, I knew NOTHING about sex addiction. If a friend of mine approached me to say this was happening in her marriage, I would have counseled her to leave. I think my close friends would be fully capable of supporting me if I were to choose to leave my marriage, I think they would have significantly difficulty supporting my decision to stay and giving me the true support I am now in need of.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:54 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Sixteen
A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

1 - Honest
2 - Loyal
3 - Compassionate
4 - Trustworthy
5 - Intelligent
6 - Fun Loving
7 - Caring
8 - Responsible
9 - Dependable
10 - Adventurous

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

1 - Honest - being honest with myself and my partner about my observations and feelings
2 - Loyal - being a loyal partner to my husband, but also being loyal to myself if he falls off the wagon and reverts back to old behavior
3 - Compassionate - being compassionate and patient with myself, don't beat myself up. being compassionate toward my husband who is/has experiencing much pain - try to be understanding and supportive
4 - Trustworthy - trust myself to know what's right. trust that my husband is doing the best he can and appears to be successful so far
5 - Intelligent - I am a smart person and I also possess emotional intelligence, I need to draw on this strength when emotions run high
6 - Fun Loving - Give myself a break from dealing with crisis and go an enjoy life
7 - Caring - be caring toward myself, practice self-care, take care of myself first before offering myself to others
8 - Responsible - keep doing what live requires, ie, go to work, do a good job, pay the bills
9 - Dependable - make sure I am there for others when they need me, make sure I do what I say I will do so my word means something
10 - Adventurous - try new things, visit new places, explore all the wonders that life has to offer

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical — with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.

Comparison done, they are consistent.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 1:45 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Seventeen
A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.
C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those remaining values.
D) List the 'next two or three steps' you will take to begin strengthening each value. Note: you will not be expected to begin taking all of these steps. The goal here is to gain clarity in what steps to take and to have a plan of action ready for times when you have either lost focus or have some extra energy.

1. Being kind and patient with myself
2. Doing things for myself, things that make me happy
3. Being confident and trusting my gut

1) I had been more kind and patient with myself, then I stopped working on this workshop and began to revert back to old thinking patterns where I am fearful of choices I make and am not trusting my judgement. I need to cut myself some slack as I am in new territory and uncharted waters. I need to be more kind to myself and less judgmental of myself.
2) The primary things I have been doing for myself are allowing myself to be lazy and have quiet time without responsibility to others. I would like to expand this to things aside from allowing myself to be lazy sitting on the couch watching TV and playing on the internet. I would like to exercise, get outside and go for walks, do yoga, and practice other forms of self care. I know I will feel much more better than I do sitting around. (this is a cut/paste from previous - I had started to pursue other forms of self-care, but have reverted back to laziness, which does not improve my mood and makes me feel more judgmental of myself - I need to get some physical activity in my life as I know the endorfins and sense of accomplishment will help me feel better and make me a happier person)
3) While I have been trusting my gut more and am feeling more in tune with myself, I still fall back into old patterns where I unconsciously allow fear to take over and drive my decisions and emotions.

Plan: Be aware of negative self-talk and when I recognize it is happening, make a conscious decision to stop and remind myself of what a good person I am. Make a sincere effort to include exercise into my life - minimum 2 days a week to start, even if this is just a 15 minute walk.

Next steps:
1) Exercise TODAY!
2) Make a concerted effort to be more mindful of self-talk, specifically negative self-talk. Check in with myself each evening and review thoughts from my day. Identify negative thinking that is not serving a positive purpose. The more I practice this, the easier it will be to reduce/eliminate destructive thoughts from my mind.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 2:23 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Eighteen
A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?
B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)
C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

During a previous relationship, when I was 19 and a college student, I had a boyfriend who wanted to have a child together. He was clearly very immature, because the primary reason he wanted to have a child a that time was that it was the age when his parents had him. To me, it did not seem as though he had given this enough thought. My values were that I did not want to even THINK about having children until I had at least finished college. I worked at a childcare center that catered to college students and professors and had met many young mothers struggling to raise their kids, work a job, and go to school and it looked really really hard. I explained to him what my values were, and how my values of not wanting to have a kid until I had finished school had developed (by experience and observation of others who were navigating parenthood while in college). In addition to this, we had not made a major commitment to one another, we were not married, hadn't even lived together at that point, and I pointed out to him that he did not seem to think such a major decision through all the way. Initially, he was resentful of me and tried repeatedly to change my mind, to be fair to him, I spent a lot of time thinking it over and running scenarios through my mind. In this situation, I determined I was too young, too poor, and he seems too immature (even if he didn't realize it) to embark on such a huge life altering event. I was not willing to compromise. There was too much at stake for my life and I was too little invested in my relationship with him, that I was unwilling to compromise my values to make him happy in the moment. He was resentful for a while, eventually he talked to his parents out of frustration with my unwillingness to compromise and do as he wanted. His parents told him that they never would have planned their life the way it turned out because it was so hard and they struggled so much. Ultimately, it was them that convinced him it was a bad idea and he dropped it.

I think the primary value that is I can anticipate conflict is loyalty. My husband has definitely violated my value of loyalty by engaging in sexual acting out with people outside our marriage. But, beyond this he frequently puts his loyalty to others ahead of his loyalty to me. I feel I put my loyalty to him above my loyalty to anyone else, but he will put his loyalty to his mother and friends ahead of his loyalty to me. We recently had a conflict about this when we visited his mom for christmas. she lives in a small 2 bedroom apartment with one of my husband's brothers. My husbands other brother (who as mental health and substance abuse issues and usually lives as a homeless person) was also staying with her on the couch as he had recently broken his foot, which made navigating life outdoors in the winter difficult. We normally sleep in the living room when visiting them. It was feeling too stressful to me to be staying in the apartment in the living room with his brother who has so many problems and gets super drunk every day. I wanted to stay in a hotel. My husband felt he would be disloyal to his mother by not staying at her house and would cause her to worry about money being spent on a hotel room and didn't want to do it. With all the stress I am already dealing with in my life as the result of his sex addiction, not having a comfortable safe place to sleep while visiting his family was just more than I could bare. We discussed how I felt he puts his mothers feelings related to worrying about money ahead of taking care of me and my needs and my feelings which were already significantly strained. He saw how upset I was and recognized how insignificant my feelings seemed to him and reversed his decision. We stayed at the hotel. His mother did not treat it like it was the end of the world, which my husband seemed to expect. We had some time to be alone and detached from the chaos created in the tiny apartment by his brother, which was helpful to both of us, and our bodies felt better because we weren't sleeping on the floor. This was a compromise, even though he put my needs first, because I decided he would dictate when we would leave to go back to the hotel for the night each day, so he could visit with his mother as much as he wanted. We both agreed this was a successful compromise.

One value I am unwilling to compromise under any circumstances would be if my husband's sex addiction involved (or in future) involves sexual activity with a child. If it ever comes to light that he has harmed a child in this way, it would result in immediate separation and divorce.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 3:58 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Nineteen
A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable.

Value Honesty:
1 - I will be honest with myself and my partner at all times
2 - If I see red flags in my partner (ie, he is lying which is identified as getting angry, dismissive, not providing details), will call him out

Value Loyalty:
1- I will be loyal to myself by being honest with myself
2 - I will be loyal to my partner by providing him support when I can

Value Compassion:
1 - I will be patient with myself
2 - I will be patient with my partner and his recovery
3 - I will practice self-care

Value Trust -
1 - I will trust my gut when it tells me something is off
2 - When gut tells me something is off, I will have a calm rational discussion with husband

B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

I was sexually assaulted by my best friend's husband. This person was someone I trusted. I had a similar discussion with myself as described in the date rape scenario outlined in this lesson. Did I do something to welcome this? Was it somehow my fault? etc. I went to see a therapist who helped me put this into clearer perspective. I did tell him no. He waited until I had gone to bed and was asleep to assault me.

C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

Here is a real event from my life. Prior to my discovery of my husbands sex addiction, when I was feeling like something was "off", he would come to bed wanting sex after he'd been drinking. When his inhibitions were lowered as the result of alcohol, he would be very demanding and rough with me when having sex. I also felt like he was not really "there" with me, like he was a million miles away. It made me feel like an object, rather than a person. I did not like this feeling and it was not okay with me. I set a boundary with him that if he had been drinking, I would not have sex with him.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 4:55 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-One
1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

1 - Husband lies to me. I will recognize this as when he lies he gets defensive and angry, tries to change the subject and point out my shortcomings, or he gaslights me. If this happened tomorrow, I will try to stay calm and point out that it does not appear he is being honest and how his behavior demonstrates this.
2 - I engage in negative self-talk. I will try to be mindful of my thoughts. I will check in with myself on a daily basis in the evening, to review self-talk from the day and examine for negative self-talk. If this happened tomorrow, I will evaluate why I spoke negatively to myself. what was the situation? when did I respond this way? Then make a plan to try and change this the next time it comes up.
3 - Husband will try to engage sexually with me before I'm ready. I will recognize this through they way he touches my body and approaches me (I know him). If this happens tomorrow, I will be firm in communicating that I am not ready. The fact that I am not ready, does not mean I do not love him because I do.
4 - Husband barks at me and disrespects me when working on schoolwork. I will recognize this because he is usually working on studies in the kitchen. If I come into the kitchen to make something to eat, or to pick up or do laundry, he will get short and yell at me for making noise/distracting him from his studies. If this happened tomorrow, I will try to stay calm, explain I deserve to be treated with respect and that this is my home too. I have a right to live in it. I will offer alternatives for him to work on his studies, which would be to go into another room that has a door that can be closed so I bother him less. I will also make a request that in the future he try to maintain his composure in the face of frustration and make an effort to communicate with me in a more respectful manner, because I deserve his respect.
5 - Husband gaslights me. I will identify this because he will try to recreate the past to fit a narrative that he is innocent of wrongdoing and that I am out of touch with reality when I point out dishonest behavior, passive aggression, or that he fell short of an agreement he made, I will address this by telling him he is gaslighting me and I will not continue the discussion if he is unwilling to talk to me honestly about reality. If he continues to pursue this manipulation tactic, I will disengage from the conversation completely until he is willing to have an honest discussion.

2. List five minor boundary violations that you will likely face over the next month. Write out how you will likely respond to each.

Above are the 5 (major/minor) boundary violations. This is the best I could do for major and minor.

3. Over the past six months, you have no doubt violated the boundaries of others (innocently or otherwise). List a few of these and share whether or not you were aware that you were violating their boundaries at the time.

I had too much to drink one night and got overly emotional and blasted my husband, his therapist, his recovery process, etc. I allowed myself to be completely out of control and disrespectful to both him and myself. In the moment, I was intoxicated and completely unaware. The next day, when sober, I recognized what I had done and apologized. I recognized that all the crap that came out of my mouth was due to my own insecurities and fear over choosing to stay in the marriage and work on it instead of opting for a divorce. I feel very out of control of life due to the way in which my husband has behaved with his sex addiction. I am very afraid of leaving my future in the hands of my husband and his therapist. I am afraid I will ultimately regret my decision to stay if he chooses to continue pursuing sexual acting out.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 10:02 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Two

1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced.

There are 3 that honestly are a tie. The first was when I decided to tell my best friend that her husband had sexually assaulted me. The second was when my husband disclosed the extent of his sex addiction acting out behaviors with other people, and that these other people were men. In both of these situations, the level of stress was so overwhelming, it felt like an out of body experience and like I was on the verge of passing out from the stress and shock of finding myself in the situation. The third was a level of deep depression and pain that occurred after the sexual assault of my friend's husband. After I had told her and mutual friends of the assault, most of these "friends" completely turned their back on me and maintained their friendship with him. The pain of this was the deepest I have experienced in my life. I recall understanding why people who cut themselves do this. I remember watching a documentary about people who do self-mutilation and cutting and hearing them explain the emotional relief they get from the physical pain they inflict on themselves. I remember relating to that. I felt like if I cut myself, I would have felt a relief from my pain. I'm glad my brain and intellect took over at that point, because it was clear to me that this was not the solution to my problems and I have never harmed myself. It was a scary place to find myself in.

2) Describe the most irrational behavior you have ever engaged in as a result of your emotions.

This would be when the sexual assault by my friends husband was occurring. both he and my friend were staying the night at my house. She had gotten tired and went to bed before he and I did. He made a move on me and tried to convince me to sleep with him. I had never been attracted to him in that way, and even if I had been, I am a loyal friend and would never betray a friendship in that way. I was apologetic to him for turning him down (I used to be a MAJOR people pleaser, my greatest fear was hurting someone else's feelings). After that, I went to bed and fell asleep. I'm not sure how much later, but I woke up, he had come into my bedroom, removed my blankets and pulled down my pajama bottoms and underwear and was giving me oral sex. Now, I here's where my irrational behavior comes in. What I wanted to do was scream and kick him in the face. BUT, out of fear of hurting my friends feelings and hurting his feelings I laid there paralyzed by fear and indecision. Fortunately, he eventually stopped and left the room. Thank god I went to see a therapist shortly after this. It is so crazy to me now that I would have responded to a situation like this in this way, for that reason.

3) If you could go back in time and offer yourself "perfect advice" that would have influenced this irrational behavior...what advice would you offer?

I would have told myself that my feelings are as important as other peoples. I would have told myself that no one has the right to violate me that way and that screaming and kicking him in the face would have been a fully acceptable and appropriate response to that violation. I would have told myself that I am NOT responsible for other peoples feelings. I have every right to speak my mind and am not responsible for they way they choose to react. I would have said it is ok to take care of yourself because you are important. It is not your fault that your friend married such a sick person. It is not your fault that he did this. It is not your responsibility to shield her from her husband's horrible behavior.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 3:24 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Four

A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you.
1) Request a separation, live apart
2) File for divorce
3) Recommit to the marriage, stand by him in recovery

B. For each option, consider all of the benefits that that option would produce. List them.

1) More time to myself. More time to devote to only myself. Regaining a sense of independence.
2) Setting a clear boundary. Immediate sense of independence. Making a clear statement of my values and that his behavior is in clear conflict of those values.
3) Financial stability. Remaining in a marriage with a person whose company I enjoy. Keeping our family intact. Avoiding disgrace among family and friends. Staying married to someone who isn't perfect and who doesn't expect me to be. Staying married to someone I love, and who loves me. Staying married to someone who appears to genuinely desire change and has already made a commitment to change. Recommitting to each other and making a fresh start. Staying in the home we share together and have worked very hard on.

C. What obstacles do you see as being the most problematic for each option listed above? Are these obstacles that can be overcome? How?
1) Financial: we are unable to afford 2 residences. The way to overcome this obstacle would be for him to drop out of school and go back to work full time.
2) Financial: would need to find a way to afford 2 separate residences. Would likely need to sell our house. I would have a difficult time paying off all debt taken on due to his furthering his education. He is nearing completion of that education and it would be unwise to terminate his education at this juncture. Emotional: I love this man and have been looking forward to our life together. I feel I will later regret this choice if made now.
3) It will be difficult to work through this storm together. I will continue to worry that he will return to old behaviors and I will regret my decision to stay in the marriage at a later date. I feel uneasy about trusting him in the future after the way he has lied and betrayed my trust. I fear a future of feeling fearful that my partner will hurt me again.

D. Select the one option from exercise A that you feel yourself leaning towards (or have already selected). Why do you think this is/might be the best option for you? What would be your second option?
The best option is staying together and seeing this through. I remain hopeful that he is as serious as he states he is in regaining control over his life. He has already made significant strides to overcome his affliction. He has been working hard to demonstrate that I mean more to him than his addiction. From purely a financial perspective, this is clearly the best option. Once he finishes school in less than 6 months, he will be able to secure a high paying, full time job, which will help us pay off debt accumulated to pay for his education and live a financially secure and comfortable life. Our relationship will feel more equal as he will be making a greater financial contribution.
Second best option is divorce. This option would only best serve me as I would be making a clean start and be able to devote all my time and energy into myself alone.

E. What options do you believe are realistically available to your partner? Which do you think he/she would choose?

He will end our relationship so that he may continue to engage in his sexual behaviors.
He will actively commit to recovery and develop into the man that he made himself out to be.
He will remain in the relationship for as long as possible, continuing his sexual behaviors until I make the decision to leave him.

All of the examples provided are realistically available options. I do not believe he will choose number 1. I want to believe that he is actively choosing number 2 (clearly I am still struggling A LOT with trust). If he chooses this option, he has everything to gain and nothing to lose. If he fails at number 2, he will have effectively chosen number 3. I have made this very clear to him. If he continues to engage in his sexual behaviors I will end the relationship as I deserve better from a partner. If he continues these behaviors, it will be his decision for the relationship to end (not mine). I think he is doing his best to avoid number 3. If he chooses this option, he will lose everything. His home, his wife, the opportunity to complete his education, financial stability, and will be outed to his family and friends for the despicable choices he has made.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 3:36 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Five
1. Take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the Health Monitoring area of the Partner's Manager.
If this is referring to the "My Healing Manager" under tools for partners, the link is broken and it does not connect to any information, so this cannot be done.

2. Prior to the discovery of your partner's addiction, how did you two monitor each other's relative health relating to fulfillment, stability, balance, etc.

I think the only way we really did this was by observing each other's behaviors. You can sense when something is wrong, which is when one of us would state it out loud and request a discussion and about what is bothering you. In that discussion, we would try and identify a solution to the identified problem. I don't think we communicated enough about these things in any real sense.

3. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your life is not being managed well?

How does my body feel? There is a specific way my body feels when my mind is out of balance. I have learned to listen to this when it tries to get my brain's attention. When my life is not being managed well, it manifests itself in my physical space. Things will be cluttered, disorganized, and not tended to (just like the rest of my life). Since discovering my husband's addiction, our house has been a disorganized mess. When my life feels out of sorts, my home becomes out of sorts.

4. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your partner's life is not being managed well?

Irritability. Shutting me out. Unwillingness to communicate.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 3:49 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Six
A. Review the following daily assessment, changing the content (as necessary), but not the number of questions:
1. Did I take full responsibility for managing my own life today?
2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision?
3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
4. Did I take time today just for myself (to nurture relaxation, creativity, independence, etc.)
4a. If not, how many days has it been since I have?
5. Did I derive meaning from at least three areas of my life today?
6. Add one additional area of your life to monitor here.
7. Add one additional area of your life to monitor here.

B. For the next thirty days, complete the assessment right before going to bed. Spend no more than five minutes in this review. There is no need to track this monitoring, just make it a priority.

Starting this today! :g:

C. At the end of thirty consecutive days, you should recognize that what it is you are monitoring has become ingrained. This will allow you to move on to the next phase of Daily Monitoring — which is more of an 'as needed' phase that is discussed further in the later lessons on managing instability.

PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 12:11 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Seven
A. Write out the four questions listed above in your own words.
Question #1
"Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?"
- being good at my job, I helped quite a few people this week and they expressed gratitude for my help
- participating in civic action through #dailyaction each day
- we had a big snow storm here that shut a lot of things down, I did not cancel anything, I made it to work, got my dad to a dr appt, I felt empowered by my ability to function and accomplish things despite the weather
Question #2
"Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?"
Yes. I discovered my husband had asked his dr for an adderall prescription AND that he was abusing that medication. I felt we were making significant progress in our marriage and that he was really starting to overcome his addiction. While he says he has not resorted back to sexually acting out, he has essentially swapped one additive behavior for another. He lied to me about it. I have felt very defeated. This started to seem better as the week progressed, then Friday night we went out to a couple breweries. After he'd had a couple drinks, he started putting me down, saying really unkind things and making me feel really bad about myself. After returning home, we spent a couple hours listening to music. It occurred to me that he did not once ask me if there was anything I might want to hear, so I asked him whether he had considered that. This sent him completely flying off the handle and the argument escalated to him threatening to take his life. I accomplished nothing yesterday. I laid in bed, numb, watching stupid tv and snuggling with my cats while we avoided each other. I am hating this . I gave up an entire day to depression.
Question #3
"Given the meaning that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the events that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all?"
Not well. I felt like I had begun to recover from the blow of learning about the adderall abuse and had decided I wanted to provide my husband wit the support he needed to make better choices and steer away from addictive behavior of all kinds. Then to enduring his demeaning behavior, putting me down, and then spinning completely out of control over being asked if he had taken my feelings into consideration while listening to music??? I do not feel I am managing my life well. I am beginning to feel that staying in this situation may not be worth it. I deserve better and need to distance myself from my husband. I have asked him to find a place to stay for a while outside our home. This is clearly not something he wants to do. I need space and distance so that I can focus on myself and my own needs. I have trouble doing this with him in the house, especially if he will treat me this way.
Question #4
"Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will facilitate the effectiveness of my life management skills?"
I need to prepare to manage my emotions this week and to think about me and me only. My husband is choosing to throw a grenade into our marriage and I cannot stop him from doing that if he chooses to. I am going to make an effort to focus less on him, and more on me.

B. Add to these four questions any additional areas of your life that you are striving to develop and want to monitor. For instance, your physical health. Or your spirituality. Or your career.
I need to address my emotional health. I can't fix my husband or his problems. I can only work on myself. If he comes to me and asks for something specific, I will consider whether I can provide. I will not provide help to him and the cost of my own emotional health.

C. Pick a day/time each week to monitor yourself. Take no more than fifteen minutes (maybe a little longer at first) to monitor yourself.
D. Over the next four weeks, document your monitoring in your personal healing thread. Continue to document in your healing manager over the next six months.
I would love to document in my healing manager, but the link is broken , still. Please fix this.

PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 12:59 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Eight
A) Make a list of objective signs that you would recognize in yourself that would indicate that you are not living a healthy, balanced life.
- depression
- feeling stressed
- spending a lot of time focusing on my husband and what is or isn't doing to get healthy

B) Taking your partner's current mindset, what areas (listed above) do you feel that he might be faking/holding back on? What areas do you think he is really putting forth a sincere, adequate effort?
- he does not offer open, spontaneous communication - despite making declarations that he will do this, he doesn't
- he is not taking responsibility for his life and his recovery - he recently had a lapse in weekly sessions with his therapist due to an insurance issue and has not used any of the other tools that have been provided to him to manage his recovery during this time
- he seems to be putting forth sincere effort in being honest with me, but only when I initiate discussion

C) Looking six months down the road and assuming that your partner transitions to a healthy life, what objective signs would you look for that might indicate that he is starting to struggle with sustaining a healthy, balanced life?
- irritability
- secrecy
- not openly sharing how he is feeling with me in an unsolicited manner
- using substances not in moderation

PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 8:44 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Twenty-Nine
A. List three behaviors that you have engaged in since discovering your partner's addiction that you would now describe as destructive:
- hostility, yelling
- I have physically hit him a few times
- I have over consumed alcohol and lost control of myself

B. Pick one of the behaviors listed above and answer the following:
a) What decision-making process did you engage in before taking this action?
b) How did you feel just prior to taking this action?
out of control
c) How did you feel as you were actively engaged in this action?
out of control
d) How did you feel after you completed this action?
Terrible, not myself

PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 9:09 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Thirty
A. Identify the consequences that you are experiencing that may be reflective of a possible situational depression
Decreased energy
lack of motivation
social withdrawl
not interested in activities that I used to enjoy

B. Identify how each depressive symptom may be affecting you in your ability to work through this major event in your life.
decreased energy - feel like I don't have enough "fight" in me to do the things that will help me pull myself out of thi
lack of motivation - not accomplishing things that will help me feel better, not cleaning the house, getting things done, taking care of myself
social withdrawl - isolating myself is exacerbating all my other symptoms, I'm lonely
not interested in activities I used to enjoy - not doing things that will add pleasure to my life

C. Identify the additional events/stressors in your life (unrelated to the addiction).
Taking care of my father's health needs
maintaining function at my job so I can earn enough to pay all bills
Financial stress

D. Write yourself a compassionate letter that emphasizes the reality of the situation that you face.
You have dealt with other crises in your life where people you trusted have let you down. You need to remember the power you have found within yourself during those other times. Remember what helped you pull out of the darkness in the past. Remember how much you enjoyed hiking, the fresh air, the sounds of birds in the trees? Remember how grounding it feels to go hiking alone and how you find beauty in the world and in yourself. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul who has a passion for life and living. You are back in that dark place again. This time you have been betrayed by the person you thought would never betray your trust. You are spending too much time in the dark place and not putting enough effort into finding your joy. You've been here before, you can do it again, you have been gentle with yourself, but you I think too much time has past and you are being too gentle. It's time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get back in the game.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 12:25 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Exercise Thirty-One
A. Previously, you listed the consequences your partner's behavior has had on your life. Today, consider the consequences that your partner's behavior has had on your partner. What consequences of his/her actions has he/she had to face? List both the imposed consequences (i.e. from you, legal, etc.) and the natural consequences (lost respect, shame, etc.)
- shame
- loss of self respect
- loss of time
- embarrassment
- loss of my trust
- loss of my respect
- having to confront how badly he has hurt me
- guilt
- loss of sexual relationship with me

B. Review the list above, ensuring that you have made a complete and unbiased inventory of your partner's consequences. After this review, list below any additional consequences that you believe your partner needs to experience in accepting responsibility for their behavior.
I know that this is not an easy question to answer as it requires you to make educated guesses — not certainties. Early in the workshop, you were asked to write a letter from your husband/wife to you — reviewing that letter now should provide an excellent start in helping you to determine what issues might still need to be resolved before you allow yourself to move forward.

I can't think of any further consequences he must experience in accepting responsibility for his behavior.

C. In your own words, describe the roles that blame, punishment and/or responsibility have played in response to your partner's behavior.
For instance, unhealthy roles might include: you using blame to sabotage his/her recovery because YOU are not ready to move on; using recurring blame to punish your partner; using blame/punishment as an anger management tool; using blame/punishment as a means for gaining control. Healthy roles might include: developing a clear list of your partner's expectations/responsibilities allowed you to gain a sense of control; you using the act of blame to recognize unresolved feelings.
There are no right or wrong answers here — only a deepening awareness.

I blame him for hurting me and destroying the trust I had in the one person I thought I could trust fully. I have felt resentful and have struggled to move past my resentment. There have been times that I have started to work past my resentment, only to discover he has lied to me again about something else, which makes me feel like I'm right back where I started, then I feel like I want to punish him and make him feel as crappy as I do. I recognize this is not helpful to him, or me. I feel like we are on a good path right now, but due to past experiences with him, I struggle to feel like I can trust that things are as good as they seem. I'm trying not to withdraw due to lack of trust.

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