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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2018 11:37 pm 

Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2018 9:05 pm
Posts: 2
My life is not what I expected at the age of 68. The man I have looked up to is a stranger in a way. His addiction has turned me into someone I have not recognized. It has been years that I have dealt with his addiction. He does not see women outside of our marriage, he is on the internet daily, sometimes 12 hours a day. I have caught him so many times. I know the websites he goes to. I have found gift cards he has purchased to watch chat rooms and talk to women. I
He has become very anti social and it has even effected our time with family and friends. He lives in a bubble. Three weeks ago I caught him in achat room. It was the final straw...but it has been the final straw many times. He knew the answer. He had to admit to it and to get help. He has started going to meetings. He has signed up through this website as well, but I still don't trust. I have gone to some humiliating lengths to keep an eye on him. I have lost me!!!! Where do I go? Can't tell friends and family. I have one trusted friend who loves us both and is my ear, but my husband does not know that I have told him. I am no way able to trust him yet. How do I talk to him so that he knows I am need more? So much more to discuss on this. I have lived a very lonely life inside my marriage.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 10:53 am 

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Welcome to the forum, even though no one ever wants or expects to find themselves here at all. I have found that working through the lessons was very helpful to gain insight into what I’m dealing with and more importantly, how to heal myself from the psychological damage.

Like you, there were many d days and nothing changed, so I ended up living in a situation that I wasn’t happy with and that slowly ate away at me. Then there was the final d day three years ago. My husband was ready to quit his internet porn habit but he’s never fully disclosed the true extent of his addiction. Things are somewhat better but there’s a lot that’s still not right. Communication isn’t as good as it could be and my husband still conceals things from me, sometimes fairly minor things, but it doesn’t help to rebuild the broken trust. As much as I hoped for a perfect recovery, it didn’t work out like that. Quitting the sexual addiction behaviours is only the beginning. There are many challenges to face afterwards, for both people. As partners, we suffered when the addiction was ongoing anyway so it’s not rocking the boat for us, our boat was rocking for a long time.

The important thing you’ll gather from the lessons and from the self help books is to take care of you. Your husband has to learn to be responsible for his actions and the consequences of his actions. If he acts out, conceals his behaviour, lies about it etc, it’s entirely his decision. You can’t control it but you can state what your boundaries are, what is and what is not acceptable to you. If your boundaries are not respected then you alone have the power to act (or not to act). In the meantime, you need to find yourself again. I understand that feeling of losing yourself. It’s not easy putting yourself back together again and finding yourself at a different life stage with fewer options than you might have had if you were in your 20s or 30s and the relationship was perhaps less established. Later in life, it’s harder to walk away but staying in a relationship where there has been decades of deception isn’t the easy option either. That’s why self care matters. Regardless of the outcome, you have a duty to respect your own needs and act in your own interests. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. The lessons put the focus back on yourself, your values and ideals, your interests and your identity. Your husband will respond to the changes he will (probably) see. With luck, he should relate to you with more respect for you, and not treat you like a doormat who will put up with his unsatisfactory behaviour, or stop taking you for the fool he wants to think you are. If not, you’ll still be putting yourself and your life back together.

Good luck.

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