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 Post subject: Exercise 29
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 8:21 pm 
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Location: UK
A. List three behaviors that you have engaged in since discovering your partner's addiction that you would now describe as destructive

1. Striking and pushing H
2. Self harming
3. I stopped eating

B. Pick one of the behaviors listed above and answer the following:

a) What decision-making process did you engage in before taking this action?

b) How did you feel just prior to taking this action?

c) How did you feel as you were actively engaged in this action?

d) How did you feel after you completed this action?


Striking and pushing H - there wasn't a decision making process before taking this action as it was done out of rage, frustration and devastation. And it was these emotions that were felt just prior to taking the action. At the time of doing it, I felt some relief, but very little, ie it didn't make me feel better. After completing the action I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself.


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 Post subject: Exercise 30
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 8:46 pm 
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A. Identify the consequences that you are experiencing that may be reflective of a possible situational depression

1. Waking up in the early hours of the morning
2. Nightmares
3. Having lack of motivation to do anything creative
4. Homicidal rage towards the prostitutes my H paid for
5. Feeling that I am fat, ugly, useless and unwanted
6. Having flashbacks to D Day and disclosures after that
7. Feeling that I want to self harm

B. Identify how each depressive symptom may be affecting you in your ability to work through this major event in your life.

1. There is a great deal of lonliness at 3.30am. This silent dark time simpy serves to get me lost in my own mind.
2. It's like my brain doesn't want me to forget or deal with what has happened in my life. This does not assist healing.
3. Creativity is a stress reducing outlet - not having this is hard.
4. I am not a violent person and I know these feelings are wrong and illogical. I do not want to be this person.
5. This is putting me back 20 years. I worked hard, with the help of my H, to be more positive about myself. But this has all been undone and going back to feeling this way is of no benefit to my healing process.
6. Again, like number 2, my brain doesn't want me to move forward and away from this crap.
7. Whilst self harming bring immediate release from stress and anxiety, it is not a helpful or healthy way to behave. And if I am honest, I am also using it as a means to express how much I hate myself as per number 5.

C. Identify the additional events/stressors in your life (unrelated to the addiction)

1. Adult son with learning disability addicted to weed.
2. Personally not dealing well with my ageing process.
3. Winter - I hate it.


D. Write yourself a compassionate letter that emphasizes the reality of the situation that you face.

Dear ***
You are still here, you are still trying to make sense of how your world has been turned inside out and upside down, but you are doing well considering you are only 6 weeks into this traumatic event. I hope that you can learn that you do have value and that people do love you, need you and want you. You are strong and can continue this fight for your peace of mind and your sanity - remind yourself of this every single day and take time to dwell on the many positive aspects of you. Take time for you, relax, enjoy, feel safe. You wont feel like this forever.


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 Post subject: Exercise 31
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 9:18 pm 
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Location: UK
A. Previously, you listed the consequences your partner's behavior has had on your life. Today, consider the consequences that your partner's behavior has had on your partner. What consequences of his/her actions has he/she had to face? List both the imposed consequences (i.e. from you, legal, etc.) and the natural consequences (lost respect, shame, etc.)

1. Realisation of the damage and pain he has caused to me and to our relationship.
2. Loss of my trust.
3. Shame and guilt.
4. Embarrassment.
5. Self loathing.
6. 8 months of time lost.
7. Money wasted.
8. Realisation that he does not know what healthy sex is.
9. Facing the possibility of losing all his meaningful relationships (ie me, children, family).
10. Loss of privacy as there is no room for this in our relationship any longer.
11. Facing the reality of what he is, ie a SA

B. Review the list above, ensuring that you have made a complete and unbiased inventory of your partner's consequences. After this review, list below any additional consequences that you believe your partner needs to experience in accepting responsibility for their behavior.

My H seems exceedingly genuine in his accepting responsibility and I therefore do not feel that he needs to experience additional consequences.

C. In your own words, describe the roles that blame, punishment and/or responsibility have played in response to your partner's behavior.

I do not think that I go out of my way to blame or punish him, even in anger. The one exception to this is me blaming him for eradicating my self esteem by his behaviours. This is a fact, not an emotional response. I have not punished him, indeed I have said on a number of occasions that I am not punishing him in any way. What I have done is protected myself, and this is a completely diferent thing.


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 Post subject: Lesson 32
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 9:20 pm 
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Seeking Retribution

Article and lesson not available.


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 Post subject: Exercise 33
PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 7:31 pm 
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If you did not relate to anything in this lesson, there is no need to respond to this exercise.


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 Post subject: Exercise 34
PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2018 7:47 pm 
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Location: UK
A. Consider the consequences of your partner's behavior over the course of your lifetime. How might they affect future decisions that you make? What positive roles might these consequences play in your life?

Consequences:
Emotional insecurity
Loss of trust
Damage to self esteem
Poor body image

I cannot answer at this time how they might affect future decisions that I make. Although I have confidence and hope that my H will recover fully and will be able to cope with any impending relapses, there is no guarantee unfortunately. All I can say at this stage is that I will continue to work on healing myself and NOT rely on him to assist me. The only positive role I can see these consequences having on my life is that of making me look inside myself and become stronger.

B. Referring specifically to your partner, take some time to consider the addictive patterns over the course of his/her lifetime. Imagine your partner as a child. Imagine them as a teen. Imagine them as an adult. Imagine them in other relationships. Gain a firm grasp as to how similar patterns have helped them to manage their life. What thoughts come to mind?

My H had a very normal and happy childhood. His introduction to pornography occurred when finding girlie magazines under his father's bed. His "love" of porn continued right through his teenage years into adulthood and until 6 weeks ago did not stop. Sex was the most important part of my H's life for many decades, and because of this he missed out on many things. I know he left his previous marriage because he was not sexually happy, and I thought he was sexually happy in our relationship but unfortunately his addiction was too firmly embedded in him for this to be a permanent thing. Add the fact that he simply stopped communicating his feelings to me, and with hindsight, his communication skills were never particularly mature. And as I have said before, porn and masturbation eventually became not enough for him so he moved on to prostitutes.

C. What does it mean to 'humanize' your partner? Why is this important in forgiveness and in seeking closure to the current crisis?

Humanizing him, means showing him empathy and compassion. It will mean I look beyond the addiction and the damaging behaviours to the man I fell in love with with, the man I know he is capable of being. Humanizing is important in forgiveness and in seeking closure because it is this man I seek to rebuild a relationship with, not his destructive behaviours. We cannot change the past, only have hope for the future.


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 Post subject: Exercise 35
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2018 8:01 pm 
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A. Brainstorm the areas of your relationship that you suspect MIGHT have been influenced by your partner's addiction. List only those subtle behaviors associated with sexual addiction that you suspect may have played a role in the following situations:

b. Your partner's sexual desire for you over the course of the relationship


His sexual desire for me has always been intense, but I do now find myself asking if this intensity was less to do with me and more to do with his addiction. I cannot help feeling that I was feeding his addiction. And hindsight is a wonderful thing - the way he used to grope and grab me instead of just giving a hug, the time I became very upset when we were watching porn together and he was touching me at the same time, the fact he would often purposely not orgasm because he wanted to keep that sexual high going.

c. The ten biggest decisions that were made in your relationship (e.g. marriage, childbirth, housing, career)

1. moving in together
2. marriage
3. holiday planning
4. me not working outside the home
5. job changing for him

d. The seven biggest arguments/conflicts/difficulties that you have had

1. His use of a certain type of pornography
2. His secret sexual related profile in an online gaming platform (cybersex)
3. His use of prostitutes
4. Differing opinions in respect of my learning disabled son
5. His sexual mind after he had suffered a serious illness
6. His apparent obsession with large breasts
7. His apathy in creating "us" time outwith our sex life

B. If you were granted five specific questions to ask your partner regarding his/her behavior that were guaranteed to be answered honestly, what five questions would you ask? And what do you think the answers are?

1. Why were prostitutes preferable to me? Answer - they would entertain the part of me that you are not interested in.

2. Do you have any email accounts I dont know about, or did you have any email accounts I didn't know about PRIOR to d-day? Answer- just one

3. Do you think I fed your addiction? Answer - Maybe a little, but I didnt know it at the time.

4. Did you want me to find out about your secret life? Answer - I probably did.

I cannot give further questions as I have pretty much aked him everything there is to ask and I believe his answers have been honest.


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 Post subject: Exercise 36
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2018 8:18 pm 
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Location: UK
A. Describe three events in your relationship where you had doubts/suspicions about your partner's behavior but made the decision not to confront them.

1) What did you do? (e.g. tell a friend, eat a double-cheeseburger)

2) Would your approach change should the situation occur tomorrow? Why or why not?


When I have had doubt or suspicions about my H's behaviour, I have ALWAYS confronted them and therefore I cannot complete this question.

B. Discuss your partner's addiction. Given the information that you currently possess, what do you know of your partner's upbringing? Where/when do you think your partner first developed these destructive patterns?

My H's upbringing was 'normal' - no abuse, no neglect, no trauma. I believe he first developed the destructive patterns in his teenage years - masturbation seemed high on his agenda, so he has told me. At no point during his adult life did he stay away from pornography - this was a constant. It is clear to me that his brain was wired to fantasy and instant gratification early on in his life and as he got older and the world changed his access to pornography became so much easier. Hindsight allows me to now see that he was hooked on the dopamine high of being sexually charged up.


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 Post subject: Exercise 37
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 6:18 pm 
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Location: UK
A. Consider a behavior that you have engaged in recently that produced some type of positive emotional stimulation. Break this behavior down into its emotional elements. Into the times when emotions were experienced as a result of your actions, thoughts, etc. Ideally, this situation would have between 7-10 emotional elements that you could track throughout the experience. Identify the emotional elements.

1. The day arrived when my first grandson was due to make his entrance in the world - experienced excitement
2. Worried about my daughter - experienced fear
3. Knowing they were taking daughter for c-section - experienced anticipation
4. Getting the phone call to tell me all was well - experienced joy and relief
5. Breaking the news of her new brother to my grandaughter - experienced happiness
6. Trying to get grandaughter to remember baby's name - experienced frustration
7. Seeing my grandson for the first time - experienced joy
8. Holding my grandson for the first time - experienced love

B. Do your best to break down one of your partner's sexually-compulsive behaviors in a similar way. Put yourself in his/her mind, what emotional experiences do you feel he/she experienced throughout the act? Important: break-down only a single behavior — a snapshot in time — not an ongoing pattern of behaviors.

1. Decide to visit a prostitute - he experiences anticipation
2. Looks through online advertisments to find a prostitute - he experiences excitement
3. Decides on which prostitute and books appointment - he experiences anticipation and excitement
4. Visits prostitute and prepares for sexual encounter - he experiences anticipation and excitement
5. Prostitute takes him to orgasm - he experiences relief and pleasure
6. He returns home to me - he experiences guilt and shame and frustration
7. He looks through ads for the next prostitute - he experiences anticipation and excitement


Last edited by BrighidsPain on Tue Dec 18, 2018 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Exercise 38
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 7:09 pm 
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Posts: 70
Location: UK
A. Make a list of the ten biggest stressors in your life that you believe are currently affecting your emotional well-being. For each item, document whether each stressor is mild, moderate, severe or extreme:

1. Wondering if H will relapse - severe
2. My health - mild
3. My family's health - mild
4. Images in my head re prostitutes - severe
5. Boxing Day dinner - mild
6. Not knowing what could trigger me - moderate
7. Body image - moderate
8. The future of my relationship - moderate
9. Learning disabled son's future - mild
10.

Refer back to the values you listed in this workshop previously and consider the role that they are currently playing in helping you manage these stressors.
B. Assign each value to one of the following columns: Plays no role in my emotions; Plays a small role in my emotions; Plays a large role in my emotions; Plays an enormous role in my emotions.


Plays no role in my emotions :
Creative
Educated
Sharing
Eco aware

Plays a small role in my emotions :
Trustworthy
Principled
Tolerant
Spiritual

Plays a large role in my emotions :
Honest
Empathetic
Loving
Caring
Loyal

Plays an enormous role in my emotions :
none

C. How would you manage this stress if all but one or two of your most important values were suddenly removed?

I most likely would NOT manage.

D. In your own words, and considering what you have learned so far...what do you think the role of addiction has played in your partner's life?

Addiction has screwed up my H's life in many ways. He has failed to reach his full potential as his life has been little more than a pursuit of the next sexual high. It has most certainly screwed up our relationship as it will never be the same again - different may be good, but it won't be the same. I should image that his previous relationships were also damaged by his addiction one way or another.

Looking at it from what he would have perceived as positives, it has given him a way to escape real life and stress. However, in reality, it has not.


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 Post subject: Exercise 40
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:55 pm 
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Location: UK
A. Now that you have considered the role that sexual addiction might have played in your life, in your opinion, and knowing what you should now know about addiction...what are some of the reasons that it didn't develop?

Looking at my past, I could have become a sex addict as there was certain needs in me that had to be satisfied. However, these needs did not overule the more important aspects of my life such as my children. Additionally, there was emotional blocks, such as fear of rejection, embarrassment, and not wishing to ignore my own morals and values.

B. Reviewing your exercise results from the lesson itself, at what point do you think you would have recognized that you were addicted? What do you think you could have done about it? How do you think you would have hidden your sexual addiction from others?

I think I would have recognized myself as addicted when it was all encompassing and the only thing i could think about. I would have been aware that every other part of my life was secondary to the needs. What would I have done about it? I would like to think I would have reached out for professional help.

Hiding it? Basically worn a mask to get through the day, a false face of normality.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 7:59 pm 
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1. Over the past 7 days where did the pleasure and joy in my life come from?

1. Spending quality time, including imtimacy, with my H.
2. Watching my grandaughter's first nativity play
3. Having a manicure.

2. Over the past 7 days was there any major negativity in terms of emotional drains or time consumption?

There has been no major negativity. I have had some self doubting moments due to negative body image, but nothing that I was unable to get past. Also, I have passing waves of memories of D Day and the immediate aftermath, then the memories of the extreme pain and hurt return, albeit briefly.

3. Looking at the pleasurable parts of my life, along with the negative parts, was my management adequate?

I would say my mangement has been adequate as I have been able not to let any negativity or bad feeling linger.

4. Is there anything on the immediate horizon that I need to take into account for effective management of life management skills?

As I said last week, the festive period tends to stress me.

1. Over the past 7 days have I managed to eat healthily?

Hmmm, I think I may have had too many little treats. But it's that time of the year!

2. Over the past 7 days have I managed to boost my own self esteem?

Not particularly.

A general overview:
I can see that my H is trying very hard to win back my love and trust and that he is working well in the RN workshop and being involved in SAA meetings. I took a major step this week in having full intercourse with my H - something I was a little fearful of, but it was emotionally stabilizing and very loving for both of us. Yet there are certain things I cannot do - I have not worn my wedding ring since this happened and although I see it every single day I cannot bring myself to put it on. I love my H, but I cannot bring myself to say it or respond to him when he tells me he loves me.

I find myself wondering if I am dealing with this too well. Am I going to fall down hard at some later point? Perhaps the fact that a great deal of my life prior to being with my H has been so bloody awful I am well practiced and conditioned to putting my internal house in order for self preservation purposes.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2018 7:22 pm 
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I had a trigger moment today, the first in a while. It occurred at an inconvenient moment and was caused by something simple my H did. It felt like I had been stabbed through the heart and I felt like my head would explode as it filled with memories and movies relating to D Day. I took immediate mental time out to get my thoughts back in order, to clear my head of the vileness, and was okay after a short time. I was determined it was not going to ruin my day or my mood. But it was a reminder that this thing isn't over and that I am not going to simply forget and move on. I have had a really good week with my H, we are reconnecting so well. But if I am honest with myself, although I thought I had properly dealt with the trigger and its effects, this evening I have felt a little sad and vulnerable and can only assume that the two things are related.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:59 pm 
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1. Over the past 7 days where did the pleasure and joy in my life come from?

1. Spending time with my family
2. Intimacy and closeness with my H

2. Over the past 7 days was there any major negativity in terms of emotional drains or time consumption?

As last week, nothing major. I have been hit by a couple of triggers, both of which I was able to deal with sensibly and quickly.

3. Looking at the pleasurable parts of my life, along with the negative parts, was my management adequate?

I would say yes, as per detailed in previous question.

4. Is there anything on the immediate horizon that I need to take into account for effective management of life management skills?

Nothing specific comes to mind.

1. Over the past 7 days have I managed to eat healthily?

Nope! It's the festive season! But I feel crap and can't wait to get back to healthy!

2. Over the past 7 days have I managed to boost my own self esteem?

Yes and no! Some days I feel good about myself, happy with who I am am and what I look like. Other days, I think I suck.


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 Post subject: Exercise 41
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2018 6:56 pm 
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I. For this exercise, put your intellect away. Mourning is an emotional experience, not an intellectual exercise. How you achieve the goals outlined in the lesson should be unique to you. The only critical directive is that, when you have properly mourned for your losses, take at least fifteen minutes (several hours, preferably) to celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life. Your experiences. To recognize the ebb and flow of your life span and your current place within it. To reconnect to your individuality, your esteem and to the control that you have over your future.

II. Optional, share your experiences with this process. Again, don't worry about the intellectual aspects of communicating. Just share. Let it make no sense to anyone but yourself, if needs be. Just share your thoughts as an individual who is breaking free/has broken free from the grasp of another's addiction.


I feel sad for the loss of the relationship I thought I had, for the loss of the man I wanted to spend my life with. I feel sad to have had trust ripped away from me with such an intensity, I feel sad that I could not have prevented what has happened. But all this is in the past nd the only direction I can now go is forward. Look to the future and realise that something new and better will take the place of the damaged life that was there before. I look to valuing myself as a human being, an individual, and not just someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's daughter. I am me and there are many reasons I should be proud of me, be happy to be me.

I have made choices about the directions I want my life to go in, and I will see them through and work to the best of my abilities. I have firm values and I will not deviate from them for anyone. Never again will I permit anyone to cause me such pain and heartache - I am worth so much more.


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