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 Post subject: StillsohurtFirstthread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:31 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 11:32 am
Posts: 1
So, I have to lay out the nitty gritty here...it's like tearing off a scab each time I relive it in my mind. 900 times a day...

Everything was fine. Isn't that crazy? We had recently had our 5th baby, a rainbow baby at that, and things were good. Sex was as to be expected 3 months after having a baby. Stressors were high, but with 5 kids when aren't they? I asked to borrow his phone to call my mom while we were at the store. He handed it over, no problem. When I hit dialer "Lauren" was on the very top of the recently contacted. Above me. First on the list. I asked why that was, as those are ordered by how frequently you contacted a person. He made something up, it sounded good, I accepted it. Scrolling through facebook a few days later I noticed in my feed he had liked every single picture she had added to the site. EVERY ONE. It's odd to me, I ask him again. Some bullshit lie. I told him I didn't like it and that it looked bad to outsiders. He agreed and said it wouldn't happen again. At that point a little ball in my belly started. It grew every day. I asked him a week later if he was talking to Lauren. He assured me he was not. I asked every single day for a week. He denied. Then I ran the phone records. I was able to see that he was in fact talking to her daily. More than me. While he was in the shower or using the bathroom at home. He literally didn't go 2 hours without talking to her. It made me sick. I confronted him with this and somehow he turned it around that I was invading his privacy. He deserved a friend to talk to, etc. At this point I reached out to her. She sent me screenshots of him telling her how beautiful she was and how he couldn't wait to "hit that sweet ass". As I type this I am shaking and feel sick again. Just like it was today. I saw texts asking her if she was free the night of his birthday, when he had planned to go down to a movie with his "friends".
When he came home I had his things packed and waiting for him. My kids were terrified as I am a sobbing monster throwing his things onto the lawn. How I wish I had controlled my behavior. I was absolutely ripped to the core. Lies for months and months on end. Even when I was asking him to his face. Swearing on our children, his mother's grave, etc. Absolutely sickening.
After hours of his tears, telling the kids i was sending him away, begging for another chance and promising to go to counseling I gave in. It's been a year. I feel like I hate him. I don't know why I stay. I can't bring myself to let my wall down because I feel it's only a matter of time before I'm hurt again. I have no faith or trust in him whatsoever. He continues to message female friends. Now he doesn't delete them, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm an angry, bitter person who hates her husband. Woo, felt good to get that out. Will I ever be able to love him again? And why does it hurt to so much to imagine him with someone else when I'm so angry?


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2019 7:45 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hello Awiles - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be. Betrayal and discovery is traumatic.

Do you believe that your husband is a sex addict? Or, is this an affair? They are both traumatic, these experiences, and both betrayals. We have to find ways to heal after these experiences.

I would encourage you to do the lessons. They were very helpful to me and they were able to help me understand my husband's addiction.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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