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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:05 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 571
lafleure, I hear you. I'm about at four years post multiple d-days and I can't say that I'm totally healed. I can say I am immensely better.

On trusting our guts. Jon's lessons really helped me on this as has therapy. We must trust our instincts. Our instincts were right. We knew something was off, but we didn't know what, and we assumed and trusted our partners to be honest with us and wanted to address issues. It wasn't our instincts that were the problem; it was our partners dishonesty. The secrets, lies and gaslighting. The reality of just how much my partner lied and kept secrets and gaslighted/manipulated me was important for me to understand. It's painful and enraging, this harsh reality, but it released me from feeling stupid. I wasn't stupid. I was trusting. Isn't that a good thing in a committed relationship? What I didn't know was that my husband wasn't in a committed relationship with me. Looking back now at my past and knowing what I know now about sex/love/porn addiction, it seems obvious that I should have realized that was the issue. But I didn't know anything about this addiction. Why would I have known?

Having doubts now is completely realistic. I can say that I don't think my husband is overly acting out or fantasizing as much as he used to. Is it not at all? I doubt it. Do I think he would be honest with me about it? No. He'd be more honest than he used to be, but I don't believe he's as honest as he could be. Could I be wrong? Maybe. But here's the thing about doubt. My husband's words are cheap. It's a sad thing to say, but true. His behavior, that is what I have to look at. Is he reliable? Does he do what he says he is going to do? Is he authentic? Does he initiate meaningful conversation? Is he angry all the time? Does he try to control me? Does he try to shut me up? Does he act warm and loving? And, is this consistent. Jon teaches us to look for healthy behavior, and in particular, look for our partners to initiate spontaneous, meaningful conversation. I can count on one hand the times my husband has done this in the last four years. He thinks he does that all the time.

I also go through periods of hating men. I don't want to do this. I was in a parking lot the other day and saw a man sitting in his truck staring at a woman walking into the store. And she wasn't a Victorias Secret model. And that stare...that hard look, that predatory look, that "taking". In that moment I hated this man. It's a painful reality, this objectification. But the men I work with, I can be friends with some of them. Do I trust men enough to think of them as intimate partners? There's a tough one. And there's our work.

I find I have to continue to be gentle with myself. I continue therapy. I continue to focus on me and my life. I've come a long way in my healing. I still have a ways to go. I will always be scarred. But that doesn't mean I can't have a fulfilling life.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:05 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 571
lafleure, I hear you. I'm about at four years post multiple d-days and I can't say that I'm totally healed. I can say I am immensely better.

On trusting our guts. Jon's lessons really helped me on this as has therapy. We must trust our instincts. Our instincts were right. We knew something was off, but we didn't know what, and we assumed and trusted our partners to be honest with us and wanted to address issues. It wasn't our instincts that were the problem; it was our partners dishonesty. The secrets, lies and gaslighting. The reality of just how much my partner lied and kept secrets and gaslighted/manipulated me was important for me to understand. It's painful and enraging, this harsh reality, but it released me from feeling stupid. I wasn't stupid. I was trusting. Isn't that a good thing in a committed relationship? What I didn't know was that my husband wasn't in a committed relationship with me. Looking back now at my past and knowing what I know now about sex/love/porn addiction, it seems obvious that I should have realized that was the issue. But I didn't know anything about this addiction. Why would I have known?

Having doubts now is completely realistic. I can say that I don't think my husband is overly acting out or fantasizing as much as he used to. Is it not at all? I doubt it. Do I think he would be honest with me about it? No. He'd be more honest than he used to be, but I don't believe he's as honest as he could be. Could I be wrong? Maybe. But here's the thing about doubt. My husband's words are cheap. It's a sad thing to say, but true. His behavior, that is what I have to look at. Is he reliable? Does he do what he says he is going to do? Is he authentic? Does he initiate meaningful conversation? Is he angry all the time? Does he try to control me? Does he try to shut me up? Does he act warm and loving? And, is this consistent. Jon teaches us to look for healthy behavior, and in particular, look for our partners to initiate spontaneous, meaningful conversation. I can count on one hand the times my husband has done this in the last four years. He thinks he does that all the time.

I also go through periods of hating men. I don't want to do this. I was in a parking lot the other day and saw a man sitting in his truck staring at a woman walking into the store. And she wasn't a Victorias Secret model. And that stare...that hard look, that predatory look, that "taking". In that moment I hated this man. It's a painful reality, this objectification. But the men I work with, I can be friends with some of them. Do I trust men enough to think of them as intimate partners? There's a tough one. And there's our work.

I find I have to continue to be gentle with myself. I continue therapy. I continue to focus on me and my life. I've come a long way in my healing. I still have a ways to go. I will always be scarred. But that doesn't mean I can't have a fulfilling life.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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