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 Post subject: Punchbag
PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2018 4:06 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 36
I haven't posted for a while. Selfishly I haven't had the need to. I had the second D Day in Feb 2017. After several weeks of trauma for both of us, my husband started SAA and we began the couples workshop on here. We found them extremely helpful. My husband was tottally comitted, gave up drinking, locked down all access to porn. Continued seeing his therapist. By November 2017, things were going so well that we started to talk about moving back together. These plans were progressing. I had niggles about all being too good to be true, but there were a couple of slips. However, I did notice that lies were still happening about the past, stories which didn't add up.
On D day I had been told I had full disclosure, writing and burning letter ceremony etc. Nov 17 at the advice of therapist we stopped RN to concentrate on moving forward and not looking to the past. I have had no reason to believe that my husband was acting out in any way. A couple of months back he started saying he was sorry for what he had done and could not live with himself. He left work early one day and planned to take his life (he also came off antidepressants which he blamed for his lack of control)I managed to track him down, he had two months off work, stayed with my parents. The whole family rallied round to support him. Since then he has been edgy and I started to get suspicious a few weeks ago. He has been very needy, not wanting sex. I haven't been looking at his iPad, so I took a look and found some barred numbers. I admit they were the same numbers as I had seen a year ago and the same e-mail address. I still confronted him, he pleaded with me that he had not been seeing anyone but I asked him for a day or two in my own.
Then the bombshell. He called this morning to say I did not know the truth. Long story short. He took me to my parents because he didn't want me alone. He has told me that all the information I have been given is half truths. This morning he told me had he been seeing women for sex at our family home for five years before we separated. Sometimes the same one for nearly two years. I feel like a punchbag, just when I have got myself together, whoosh I'm right back down there. This afternoon he called me to say, there was more (even though he told my folks he had said everything this morning) he had an affair when our son was young. He worked from home, so brought people to the house while I was at work - I had absolutely no idea. The affair he had when my son was young - also clueless. The trouble is I know there must be more - do I want or need to know? My son is devasted, husband has told him and his 89 year old mother because he need to tell everyone everything. I don't know where to go from here - we have a very expensive holiday of a lifetime booked in a couple of weeks. I have to go. I need a divorce to gain financial security. My family want me to walk away and I just cannot see a way forwarD. He has taken all of my best years. I only think he is now telling me everything because he cannot keep up his bodybuilding and attract the kind of women he wants now he is older (unkind, but I'm hurting)
I know I have to be looking out for myself, but I am in shock. I don't know how I will get to work tomorrow and get through the day.
Sorry for rambling - he has support from SAA, a therapist. I have my Mum,Dad and Sster and I don't want to put this all on them. So I am here


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 Post subject: Re: Punchbag
PostPosted: Wed May 16, 2018 7:37 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 630
EnglishPatience, I am so sorry. What a traumatic blow. I feel so deeply your pain.

I am relieved you posted. You are not alone. It's almost like the first D-day but worse. That has been my experience. Because I felt even more foolish and more betrayed. Because my hard work and hope and commitment were trashed. Again.

So we really have no choice but to focus on ourselves and our well being. And we can do that.

First things first. Permit yourself to take a mental health day from work. Think through if it would be better not to be at work, or to fake it through the day. But in taking care of ourselves, we can take a "sick" day to take care of our heartbreak and we don't have to explain or justify it.

The expensive holiday. You don't have to go. Yes, you'll lose the investment but do you really want to go with this man? As hard as it's been to say no to these things in my life, when I have done it, it's liberating. I feel like I am taking care of myself. If you do go, I encourage you to think through what you will do to protect yourself if triggered.

If you can, I would encourage you to find your own IC. I am in therapy with a specialist in trauma and it has been very helpful to me. I think your MC misguided you when you were told to "stop RN and focus on the future." The past has to be dealt with...we have to first know what it is in order to process it.

I found I had to not only take it one day at a time but one hour at a time. I had to be very gentle with myself and celebrate baby steps about taking care of myself. Some days I couldn't do that. But over time, it builds and I got better at focusing on myself and my well being. And that allowed me to heal.

You deserve better. We deserve better. It takes time, but we can heal. We're here for you.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Punchbag
PostPosted: Wed May 16, 2018 8:18 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 36
Hi Dnell
Thank you so much for posting. I have been into work for a meeting and am now working from home. I feel much calmer. I am now convincing myself all will be okay, that he did disclose something new, that he is drip feeding info, but he has TOLD me. Even if it's the worse. I agree it feels worse every time. We have built up trust (to the extent you ever can) over the past year, since the last DD I was just beginning to feel good about things. Everyone saying how good I looked, our relationship better than ever, sex life good. NOw all the old feelings are flooding back.
We do not live together, we're planning too. I am already financially independent. However as I was a stay at home Mum for several years I do not have a pension. FIling for divorce will gain me half of SAs pension and I think I will feel more comfortable about this.
There is no way will will now live together following the holiday (I will still go because we are meeting family members on the tour). I have to get myself stronger, build my life. My SA says he will be moving house, he will stay in recovery (I have no reason to believe he isn't, unless the lying is considered) or indeed that he is lying about his recovery. I need to see him become much more independent of me, he is quite happy to do everything with me. He goes to work, SAA and his therapist and the rest of the time together. Time to back off. THank you so much for posting it feels good that others know my experience. Although I wish it didn't exist. Our councillor is trained in sexual addiction, but I think you may be right, it may be time for me to see someone else, I like the idea of a trauma specialist, as that is just what this is.
I ask a couple of Why's? WHy do SAs lie, lie, lie.? Why do we continue to show compassion and stick with it? Thank you for being there


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