Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:40 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 3:46 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2012 5:08 pm
Posts: 58
One of my biggest values has always been honesty. I could go into more detail, but let's just say that honesty has always been my at the tippity top of my list of values.

My husband is about two months into recovery. He goes to two SLAA meetings a week, Al-Anon once a week, and sees a CSAT once a week. He also does the workshop here. He's been working hard at establishing his top-line behaviors. He seems pretty motivated and I've definitely noticed positive changes since starting on this path.

However, he's still not being totally open and honest with me. He hasn't done full disclosure, and when he shares about his recovery or just his life in general, he really only shares the good (well, he bitches about work, but otherwise he doesn't say much about negative emotions or struggles).

I feel like living in this situation, with knowing he is still actively keeping parts of his past behaviors from me, and not sharing the bad with the good.. I feel like I'm constantly being assaulted. The honesty thing is huge for me, and it just feels like I'm having to make such a painful compromise of myself and my values to continue in the relationship. Even when we're having good moments, I'm still aware of this sense of.. assault.

It makes it impossible to work on us at all. I don't feel safe with him, I don't want to open myself up to him, and I don't want to rely on him at all. Every time he mentions 'us' - I want to hit him. My therapist was telling me the other day that I'm still stuck in the angry, "Look at what you did!" stage, while he's trying to commit and make the changes he needs to do. It made me feel like crap, but really.. what else can anyone expect? He's unable to really understand what he's done to me, and he's unable to be honest, open, and forthcoming with me. How could I not be stuck in this stage?

How do I deal with this? How do I live with this constant sense of being assaulted at a very deep level? How long do I have to wait until he's able to disclose everything and fully share his life with me?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:31 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:49 am
Posts: 46
I don't know and I wish I did (for me as well as for you). I'm getting ready to post a question regarding honesty as a value, I'm really stuck on it being a value of mine and yet not have it be some sort of immature expectation on my part :? . All I know is that this particular addiction seems to attack every semblance of what I have held dear (honesty, partnership, being loving and happy).
I'm sorry you are in a position where you feel so compromised. I'll be watching this thread too, hoping to see someone able to address it better than I can.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:50 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:06 pm
Posts: 98
Raidra, Still Here,

I struggle with this too. Honesty and Fidelity are two of my strongest guiding values and I now realize these have not been part of my relationship with my H. It breaks my heart and I feel angry, sad, hurt, betrayed and many other emotions. I feel like I opened up to him and let him know what could hurt me most, I was vunerable and he he used that against me- he cheated on me and lied to me. I also know that this is how I FEEL, but it has nothing to do with what he thinks or how he made the choices he made. He didnt do any of this to hurt me, he did it to meet his own selfish needs and desires blinded to the impact it could or would have on me. It is truly amazing how deeply they compartmentalize and rationalize their lives.

To help me manage this disconnect, I have broken this into two parts- The past and today forward.
For the past- I recognize that he has lied to me and has continued to be less than truthful about the past. I finally told my H that if I ask him questions he is not ready to answer yet, to say that and I will back off. I told him that if he CHOSE to lie to me now that would be evidence he is still not trustworthy, but I could respect him not being able to talk about something yet. Early on, it seemed to me like I was dealing with a caged animal that desparately wanted to get out of the situation he was in. Lies seemed to be the easiest way out. He couldnt talk to me about things he didnt understand himself. I think there is also a HUGE level of personal denial going on where he was lying to himself, twisting memories and trying to make things in his own mind seem not as bad. I want to know the truth over time, but I realize it is also going to take him time to come to grips with the truth and then come to grips with me [i]knowing[i] who he really is. I have acknowledged that I know he has lied in the past and I prefer he work with the truth going forward and not try to make lies from the past make sense. He can delay telling me the truth about the past, but he also knows I need the truth to be able to commit to being with him for the rest of my life.

For today forward- only the truth. no lies. I will not accept him lying to me going forward. For me, if I know he is being honest wtih me now, EVERY DAY, I can be patient to unravel the lies of the past. Well, sort of patient, I do not intend to drag this out forever. I have committed to work with him to understand all of this and to work on the things that we would need to improve to have an honest and vunerable relationship going forward. I am not commiting to stay with him yet as I still dont know if I can forgive/get past some of his actions. His addictions to P/M and the sexualized thinking, I can deal with. The fact that he hired prositutes and was "connected" to one of them for almost 2 years is the thing I might not be able to forgive. I use "connected" because when I say he had a relationship with her, he freaks out because it was only sex, not a relationship. This actually makes me crazy.

I dont know if this helps, but it helped me to see that yes, my values were seriously violated in the past but they are not being violated right now, today. I still have doubts, I still have a million questions and I am still REALLY pissed off.

Just trying to take one day at a time.

Best of luck in finding ways to be true to yourself while you figure out what to do

wamh


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 10:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2012 5:08 pm
Posts: 58
WAMH - I really envy your ability to cut your partner some slack and recognize that he's unable to fully disclose the past right now, and that he's being as truthful as he can be. It's great that you can make the distinction. I wish I was there.

I can't call him trustworthy, open, and honest until he's sharing all of himself with me. And I can't stop feeling like my values are under attack until he does that. I've struggled with this for months and I don't know how to let go. :( I've also been feeling very angry the past few days and triggering a lot. I've been on Celexa for two months (since shortly after the SA diagnosis) and it does help.. I haven't been as enraged, nor have I felt like I'm drowning. But the past few days, I just want to beat the crap out of him. Some triggers he's completely oblivious to and that's even more infuriating. I just don't know how to deal with this person who is so completely oblivious to me and what I'm going through.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:40 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:40 pm
Posts: 543
Dear Raidra -

I know that Nellie would not mind if i reposted this from a previous thread.

Quote:
"If you can’t accept where you’re at, you’ll never get to where you’re going." Disclosure is the first step to accepting where you're both at individually and as a couple. Without full disclosure, you can live together but never establish deep trust or a meaningful relationship. Before the hurt person can trust her/his SA partner, the unfaithful one must trust her/him with the full story - extent of details is up to the hurt party. This is the minimum but most important requirement for re-establishing loyalty.

"Without full disclosure, we feel insignificant and quite frankly, foolish. The message, 'you are not capable of handling the truth or you don’t deserve the truth' is clearly communicated, which only adds to the hurt we are already feeling. This leaves us feeling even more disrespected and unimportant. Without full disclosure, while we may continue in the marriage, we will never get over the betrayal.

"As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, you’re only as sick as your secrets." By choosing to withhold information, you perpetuate a pattern of deception. SAs need to learn to be authentic and start being honest about who they really are. The last thing they need to do is continue lying. "You can never be loved unconditionally as long as you only conditionally let others know who you are." Get over your fear of rejection for telling the truth. That's the risk you have to take.

Disclosure, the sooner the better, re-aligns loyalty in the relationship. As long as information is withheld from the partner regarding SA activities, you maintain a covert alliance with your SA activites. Releasing secrets provides the hurt spouse the necessary security to continue in the process and to continue healing.


What if you were to talk to him about how important honesty is to you and that perhaps it would be beneficial to both of you, if he were to post a question on the recovery side about the importance of honesty and disclosure?

Until then, the best gift you can give to yourself is to continue with your own healing.

I understand how much this hurts and I hope this has helped a little.

Sending you hugs -

itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 5:48 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon May 11, 2009 1:35 pm
Posts: 204
Itstimeforme,

Do you have the link to the thread you quoted from? I would love to read it in its entirety.

Raidra,

I have no advice for you, but I feel your pain. I am in this same boat and am beyond tired of it. My SO maintains that he has disclosed everything, and every time I find something new I get the "now you know it all" treatment... until I find something else. I'm not sure how much of this is denial on his part, but either way it has to stop. If only I could get my hands on some veritiserum (Harry Potter reference) and a tape recorder... Hang in there. This sucks, I know.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:51 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2012 5:08 pm
Posts: 58
Thanks, Itstimeforme. That quote is dead-on, totally accurate. I wish my husband would believe it.

I've talked to him about how I feel in regards to his lack of honesty and truthfulness. I've told him that it feels like he's constantly assaulting me, that I'm always under attack just by being in this relationship. He gives me the old, "I'm sorry you have to feel that way if you want to be with me." It's starting to make me wonder if he gets some sick ego boost by seeing what I'm 'willing' to put up with.

Just yesterday, we got some packages in the mail from Amazon. Two of them he had told me about a few days after ordering, but the third was a mystery. I asked him about it, and he got this defensive, offended look on his face.. resenting the lack of privacy. What he bought was fairly innocuous, just a book about boat-building (one of his top-lines), but he admitted that he was worried I thought he was getting too obsessed so he didn't tell me about it.

And in general, he doesn't share a lot about his therapy and recovery process. Like.. one of his big issues is that he's so unaware of his own emotions, which makes him completely unable to even recognize mine, much less empathize. His CSAT gave him some exercises to do, which he told me about.. but he hasn't mentioned it since, which was a few weeks ago. I have no idea if he just never bothered, or if he's making great progress.

I went to S-Anon last night, which was actually helpful. I've been feeling so angry at him the last week and it was good to be around women who are dealing with the same issues. When I came home, he was apologetic but in that passive-aggressive, "Tell me what you want me to do" state. I'm sick of telling him what to do. I'm not his mother. He needs to figure it out on his own.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Values Under Attack
PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2012 1:37 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon May 11, 2009 1:35 pm
Posts: 204
Bumping in the hopes that someone can direct me to the thread that ItsTimeForMe quoted from. Pretty Please!!! :s:


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group