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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:28 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 9:54 pm
Posts: 44
Exercise 1 - 2020 initial vision

Personal - I live a healthy lifestyle. I purchase & prepare healthy meals. I incorporate exercise into everyday life. I am mindful, appreciative, and live in the moment. I maintain a healthy work/life balance. I put away technology in the evenings and engage in real conversations. I incorporate meditation and spirituality into everyday life. I continue down a path of personal growth through counseling, reading and being open to self improvement.
Family/Friends - I care for my parents and extended family as they age. I help my children grow and mature and become independent beings. I create and maintain unique relationships with each of them based on their needs and personalities. I enrich my friendships by making time, listening, communicating, and caring.
Relationship - I am open, honest, and vulnerable with my spouse. I ask for what I want and need. I am giving, caring, thoughtful, and loyal. I let down my guard and create a safe space for true intimacy. I make time for fun and I don't take myself so seriously. We prioritize relaxation, exploration, travel, teamwork, respect, and laughter.

Expanded vision
Hope to experience a new beginning built on realistic expectations, true love, admiration and respect.
I hope to overcome this challenge of SA together. I hope to experience (together) the joys of watching our children grow and flourish. I hope to experience the joys of becoming a grandparent. I hope to work less, retire early and travel. I hope to support each other through the challenges of life; sickness, death, disappointment.

Likely obstacles to this vision are ineffective communication rituals, lack of emotional maturity, low self esteem, fear

Goals for remainder of life -
Start new business venture (not full time)
Save $ for kids and retirement
Semi Retire early
Move to another city after kids are grown (river, mountains...)
River cruise
Give back to community

Partner goals
Travel
Save $$$
Retire early
Write a book
Run a successful/profitable business


Values
Honesty
Love
Self respect
Kindness
Happiness
Self improvement
Hard work
Strength
Fun
Family focused


Last edited by 2020changing on Tue Feb 28, 2017 8:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:34 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Updated Lesson 2 - Vision Statement

When I look back on my life I will have lived a life of commitment and fulfillment.

I committed myself to my wife and family and will be remembered for being an honest and loyal husband, and a loving, adventurous and supportive father. My family will remember me for being courageous, vulnerable, and sensitive to their needs. I pledged my heart and meant it. Others trusted me – while I was independent, I was always reliable, closely connected to my family, responsible and did the right thing. I was a hard worker and was always willing to lend a hand to others.
I followed my passions for sports and enjoyed being a team player. Throughout my life I was a voracious reader and student of history and pursued my writing passion. I loved learning for its own sake. I explored the world and embraced new ideas and the people around me. I had a hunger for learning and self-improvement. I developed my natural talents over my life - analyzing different issues and writing about them. I helped start and grow new businesses and provide structure and organization to help ideas get off the ground. I was calm and confident in stressful situations and strived to be humble and open-minded when working with others. Above all, I was loving, caring and cheerful to others.
I lived my dreams and built a legacy for my family. In my life I frequently traveled to the beach and mountains and spent as much time with my wife, kids and grandkids as possible. I helped our kids get established in life so they can be successful. I followed and discussed politics, sports and the issues of my time. I felt loved and valued in my life, and was intimate and playful with my wife and enjoyed the everyday challenges of life. I built and enjoyed with my family a warm, loving and inviting home.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:35 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Updated Lesson 2 - Vision Statement

When I look back on my life I will have lived a life of commitment and fulfillment.

I committed myself to my wife and family and will be remembered for being an honest and loyal husband, and a loving, adventurous and supportive father. My family will remember me for being courageous, vulnerable, and sensitive to their needs. I pledged my heart and meant it. Others trusted me – while I was independent, I was always reliable, closely connected to my family, responsible and did the right thing. I was a hard worker and was always willing to lend a hand to others.
I followed my passions for sports and enjoyed being a team player. Throughout my life I was a voracious reader and student of history and pursued my writing passion. I loved learning for its own sake. I explored the world and embraced new ideas and the people around me. I had a hunger for learning and self-improvement. I developed my natural talents over my life - analyzing different issues and writing about them. I helped start and grow new businesses and provide structure and organization to help ideas get off the ground. I was calm and confident in stressful situations and strived to be humble and open-minded when working with others. Above all, I was loving, caring and cheerful to others.
I lived my dreams and built a legacy for my family. In my life I frequently traveled to the beach and mountains and spent as much time with my wife, kids and grandkids as possible. I helped our kids get established in life so they can be successful. I followed and discussed politics, sports and the issues of my time. I felt loved and valued in my life, and was intimate and playful with my wife and enjoyed the everyday challenges of life. I built and enjoyed with my family a warm, loving and inviting home.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:18 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
B. Vision statement expansion

I will rebuild trust and intimacy with my wife and deepen our love. We will shift focus of our relationship to being healthy and enjoying life through living our values.

Looking back, we will see the following: challenges - overcame sexual addiction and a dysfunctional relationship. Experiences - celebrated children graduating high school and college; celebrated children becoming independent/getting married; grandchildren, travel to exciting places and buying our dream retirement home.

Obstacles:
- poor communication
- lack of trust and intimacy
- lack of forgiveness
- sexual addiction
- low self esteem
- selfishness

Goals
-travel to favorite countries in Europe
-deep sea fishing in Florida
-sell business and retire
- write a book
- travel throughout southwest desert area
-have grandchildren
- see kids get married

Partner Goals
-river cruise in Europe
-get kids successfully launched
move to dream home for retirement
-grandkids

top 10 practical values
1. honesty and integrity
2. self respect
3. loe
4. express emotions
5. intimacy and vulnerability
6. courage to confront
7. personal boundaries
8. good parent and husband
9. live healthy lifestyle
10. live purposefully


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2017 8:36 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 9:54 pm
Posts: 44
Exercise 3
What behaviors are unacceptable in your partner.
1. Having a relationship/encounters that violate the spirit of our marriage and emotional intimacy (sexual encounters, affairs, emotional affairs).

For some time I have acted in the parental role and I don't want to do that anymore. I have also issued lists of consequences for undesired behaviors and that didn't work either. I'm hesitant to list out consequences or punishments. Unfortunately if you engage in these types of behaviors the natural consequence is that we would not have intimacy or a solid connection and our marriage would not survive.


What behavior would cause me to worry or signal a return to addiction
1. Porn use
2. Living in head/fantasizing
3. Sexualizing the world
4. Lying
5. Increasing online presence

For each of these I would want you to talk to me or counselor. These would represent emotional issues that are going unaddressed. It would represent ideas, anger, fear, etc. that need to be expressed. I would want you to get back on the healing track and recognize the lack of healthy coping skills. For each of these it would be more difficult if I discovered them. If you recognized them, it would be a sign of growth and an opportunity for us to work on healing together.
If you go down this track in silence, it would be very hard to maintain intimacy. We would continue to struggle with communication and trust. You would continue to look externally for fulfillment. We would continue to struggle in our marriage. We would get to a certain point of intimacy, but a true connection would remain elusive.


What healthy behaviors would you like to see
1. Openly sharing on daily basis. This would build trust, create intimacy, make me more comfortable and demystify all the 'noise' in your head.
2. Being honest about feelings, memories, info in the moment. This would help me respect you more and help you respect yourself.
3. Forgive yourself. Separate yourself from your behaviors. Forgive what you didn't know about yourself before. Learn from past mistakes but don't stay in the past. This needs to happen for you to let go of the shame.
4. Continue work on self esteem, fear of intimacy, self growth. Don't get complacent or rest. Self help, continuous improvement will become a way of life for us.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 6:55 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
What behaviors are unacceptable in my spouse:

Yelling, screaming, being the "parent" and extreme anger/rage. I realize that my lying and withholding through our relationship, particularly since we have started down our path of rebuilding our marriage has been emotionally devastating to you. I am very clear that I have been the source of so much hurt for you. I believe that as I openly share myself, and make myself vulnerable your anger will naturally go away. There is no consequence that I can give because the natural consequence of continuing this unhealthy pattern will erode our trust and connection with each other and jeopardize our marriage.

What healthy behaviors that I would like to see in my spouse (and I will also display to you):

1. Please clearly communicate your emotional distress to me in a respectful way.
2. When necessary, take a "cooling down" break so we can resume our communication in a healthy way.
3. Use respectful language and tone when communicating to me.
4. Proactively share your feelings with me.
5. Journal your thoughts and feelings.
6. Exercise your body and mind.
7. Be open, honest and vulnerable.
8. Be adult like with each other and live by our boundaries and values.

The natural consequence of not living this way will be a breakdown in our communication, erosion of trust and intimacy between us, loss of respect for each other, emotional suffering and potential breakdown of our marriage.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 6:55 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
I love you forever 2020changing!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 6:46 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 9:54 pm
Posts: 44
X


Last edited by 2020changing on Mon Jul 03, 2017 4:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 6:47 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 9:54 pm
Posts: 44
We completed partnership contract and communication exercises (4 and 5)


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