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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 1:45 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:52 pm
Posts: 2
Values and partnership contract

White Rabbit's values are:
Honesty
Understanding
Compassion
Morality and consent
Respect for women as individuals, not as purely sexual objects
Consistency
Family
Friendship
Helpfulness

Boundaries:
1. No porn use, including any sexual imagery or other imagery used for the purposes of sexual pleasure
2. No masturbation in the short term, in the the long term a more healthy approach to masturbation, EG as practice for sex rather than immediate gratification
3. No sexual objectification of other women, real or on screen.
4. No searching for, or contacting other women for sexual purposes
5. No lying or omitting to tell the truth
6. No sexting or sleeping with other women

Consequences:
1. Tell me within one day of : wanting to watch porn, unhealthy masturbating, sexual fantasy that you stopped from developing
.......And we will discuss it rationally
2. If you do not tell me with in one day you will not sleep in the same bed as me for the same number of nights that you covered up the behaviour
3. For: continuing with sexual fantasy, searching for or contacting women, using porn
........You will not stay overnight for one week, plus an extra day for each day you covered up the behaviour
4. If you only tell me of the above behaviours when questioned and do not volunteer the information an extra two days/ nights will be added to the consequence.
5. For sexting/ sleeping with another woman: we would separate for 6 months minimum , and I would expect you to work on our friendship and commit to it fully during that time

Thoughts on the above
I found it really hard to set the boundaries and consequences. I found it difficult to believe I had the the right or the confidence to do so. I found the last consequence particularly difficult as I don't want the relationship to end. I didn't feel confident that I could set a consequence that would result in the relationship ending. Dobbin has , on a couple of occasions tried to end the relationship when he felt everything was getting out of control. And I find myself frightened of this happening again.

Since setting the boundaries, Dobbin has had to spend one night in a separate bed due to breaking a boundary. I was surprised how much the consequence effected him. He was really upset about it, so I think that the boundaries are a good idea. We also set some ideas for healthy behaviour. However I do find I have to remind Dobbin so am wondering if we should have consequences for these too.

Healthy behaviours include learning about the addiction, by reading and talking it over; taking responsibility for both mind and body. Hopefully this programme will help with this.


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