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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:33 am 
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Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:33 am
Posts: 44
We can't wait any longer, hoping to get the comprehensive coaching support as soon as possible (we payed the fee in spring 2014). We both consider to become coaches and noticed that the administration of recovery nations seems to be short on staff. Is it anything we can do to help? :g:


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 Post subject: Niak's Life Vision
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:22 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:41 am
Posts: 190
Family and relationships
I am faithful to my wife. I gain trust by showing her that I can take care of myself and manage my life and emotions. I don’t have to prove anything. I just have to be honest and stand up for who I am.

I will show my true self without fear. Tell what’s on my mind, good or bad, without hesitation. If I find myself hiding something about me, I will come back and bring it out in the open.

I get freedom from not holding up a facade hiding my true self. My freedom gives me a peaceful of mind.

I will surprise my wife when she least expects it. I will do things for her without asking first. I will let her know how special she is for me.

I will help my children respecting themselves and others by setting my own example. I will let my children know that I see them for who they are and support them in whatever they do. They will know that I will love them, no matter what happens.

Career, business
I will find my own path instead of just following others. I will not be blinded by appraisal but rather speaking my own mind.

I will know when it is time to move on and not be afraid to step into the unknown, willing to take risks and explore new areas and new careers.

I’m able to get things done with a team spirit and the help from the people around me. I see the best in the people. Trust in their abilities to do a job well done and not be tempted to do it myself instead, in search of perfection.

Spirituality
I will enjoy my time I have in this world in every breath I take. I’ll seek a deeper meaning in life instead of running between short term stimulants. Instead of pursuing new things to do or to purchase next, I will use and enjoy what I already have at hand.

I will follow my heart’s intent without needing to have someone’s immediate confirmation or applauses. I find satisfaction in what I do today knowing that it leads to long term rewards.

I’m able to look back of what I have done in the past without minimizing it nor with the feeling of shame.

I have surrendered before my addict personality. I will continuously monitor my health and well being. No matter what happens, I'm subjected to this monitoring till the day I die.

I have found peace.

Personal growth
I can balance creativity and completion of tasks. As much as I am driven through inspiration to start up new things, I’m able to find satisfaction in also completing them.

I will overcome my fears by challenging the unknown. I will cast off in my sail boat, taking on the unknown sea with the deepest respect and at the same time providing a safe journey for those who follow.

I’m able to focus my inspiration into energy to actually do things. Not just wandering round my mind or clicking around the Internet, without getting anything done.

I will start simple journeys in order to go now and not later. Be present in the moment and enjoy every minute of it.

I have a balance between being in the moment and dreaming my dreams.

Health
I enjoy cross country and telemark skiing. I will gladly work out to increase strength so that I can fully enjoy these demanding sports.

I’m able to prioritize my life in such a way that I’m not overstressed. I value a good night sleep and a good meal, keeping me away from stress and chest pains.

I’m honest to myself and my family about my physical and mental condition so that they can support me if needed. I will be open and honest no matter how severe I think the consequences will be.

Financial security
I will be free from having to worry about money. I will have a healthy balance between income and spendings in such a way that I won’t consume energy on thinking about having enough money. I will be free to focus on other things in my life that are important.

By the age of forty, I stopped taking any more loans. All investments from then on are made through savings. This requires me to have an healthy economical thinking and not get carried away into short term consumption just because I happen to have the means available on my long term savings.

By the age of fifty, I will have paid off all existing loans and be totally free of loans. Instead of being tempted by the possibilities of more consumption to reach a higher materialistic standard, my spiritual growth have taught me to enjoy what I already have.

By the age of sixty, I will have enough savings to do what ever I want to. My financial situation doesn’t require me to have a full time job. Instead, I’m able to spend time on projects that are more rewarding spiritually and creatively instead of financially.


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 Post subject: Tahandommej vision
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:31 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:33 am
Posts: 44
1a
I am strong. I am a rock. I am a rock that's very soft and warm inside and full of life, happiness and love. I love my four children, my mother, my father,my brothers and my friends. I still love my husband and his future decisions and actions determines whether that particular love survives. I'm proud of myself, I have a beautiful soul, I see good in people and believe that most people are honest and wish me well. My mother told me that I was born as one of the most happy and honest humans and that I always been spiritually strong ,that is true and that is my foundation. That's why I am a rock.

From this very day I will strive to heal myself, so I can let my love flow over the people who deserve it. I will open doors in the rock and let the warm love and happiness flow over the people I love. Trough the same doors I will let their love and energy reach my core and strengthen me. Today I'm hurt and the cracks in the rock bleeds out my warm core with love and happiness down into the soil, what a waste. Therefore I commit myself to take care of me and heal myself. I ask myself what I need and what I don't need, so I can surround myself with thoughts, people and things that makes me happy and free my soul. I follow my heart no matter what other people may think, because I live my life and I want to be in peace with my decisions and actions. I listen to my heart and do good for me that's the way I heal myself and step by step I close the cracks that drains me of love and happiness.

I commit myself to always be there for my children, to see them as the unique persons they are, to really listen when they express them self, to show them my love and how much I care, to be honest with them, to support them in a healthy way. I commit myself to never again let someone's addiction affect my relation to my children.

Everyday I kindly guide myself closer to my vision and remind me of my foundation.


Last edited by tahandommej on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2014 5:00 pm 
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Posts: 190
a. An updated vision for the life that you are leading
Posted previously

b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership
(What you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)


I am faithful to my wife. I gain trust by showing her that I can take care of myself and manage my life and emotions. I don’t have to defend myself when I’m being questioned. I just have to be honest and stand up for who I am.

I will show my true self without fear. Tell what’s on my mind, good or bad, without hesitation. If I find myself hiding something about me, I will come back and bring it out in the open.

I will surprise my wife when she least expects it. I will do things for her without asking first. I will let her know how special she is for me.

I wish to see her happy and be brave enough to share that happiness without suspicion or second thoughts.

I will hold her and comfort her when she is sad and angry with what has happened to her in her life, consequences of my actions and lack of life management skills.

We will share and enjoy the life we are living.
We will together find alternative paths to have more richness in life.
We will have slowed down and be present in the moment.
We have dared to stop and step out of the wheels of modern society.
We have dared to be different.
We have stood by our children and supported them into becoming responsible adults.
We have enjoyed nature on land and on water.
We have sailed on the seas.
We have walked in the mountains.
We have found peace.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision
(Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication,
rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.)


- Inefficient communication
- Lacking of respect for each other’s short comings (elbow on the table while eating and so forth)
- Inability to listen
- Inability to handle criticism
- Unhealthy work/life balance
- Complacency

d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life.
(Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfilment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)


- Leave our working lives and cast off in a sailboat
- To sit in front of our ”kakelugn”/tiled stove on our sheepskin and drink Chamagne and just look deep into each others eyes.
- To ride our telemark skies up in Norra Bergnäs or any other off-pist place.
- Leave our working lives and spend time in a quiet timber cabin up in the mountains.
- Spending one day doing nothing and enjoying every minute of it

e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life
(Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)


- Leave our working lives and spend time in a quiet timber cabin up in the mountains.
- Store our own vegetables in our own stone cellar and make them last for the winter season.
- To be able to have let go of the past
- Returning to her core identity in being happy and trusting people

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values
(the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfilment from)


1. Being faithful
2. Accepting responsibility for living my life
3. Sharing my true self with the world around me
4. Strengthening my role as a partner
5. Instilling healthy values in my kids
6. Establishing financial freedom
7. Living with integrity
8. Sense of accomplishment
9. Appreciating nature
10. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life


Last edited by Niak on Wed Nov 26, 2014 4:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:15 pm 
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Posts: 44
1b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)
Over the next year:


More piece and respect and less meaningless arguing about whatever.
To be close very close without being sexual.
I want to love again, I hope I be able to love again without fear.
Im curious about my husbands feeling and thoughts and hope that he will share more, share before he know why he feel this way or share before he has digested his thoughts and deliver the end product.

Locking back on my life from the point of death:
A life without any more betrayal and secrets.
A life with I husband that I have been able to trust to 100% and who never let me down again.
A life where my love one haven't risked my life, my health and the family security again
I hope that we have been out together many days every year; on skies, on the boat, in the mountains, in the forest, at the see etc.
I hope that we found a way to enjoy life slow, that we early found a smart way to abandon the wheel that spinns faster and faster, that we have been present and seen each other and seen our children and been able to support them in a good way.
I hope that we together experienced grandchildren.
I hope that we share memories of several longer sailings
I hope that we have a smal timber house without electricity where we had lighten a fire many times and only heard the fire while we talked.
I hope that we didn’t throw away ours and years in front of computers, telephones, ipads or lost in the crazy wheel etc. I hope that we have confirmed, seen,talked with, spent time with each other, our children, our parents, brother and sisters,our old friends, our new friends.
I hope that my last words to you will be: Darling, In the long term did our struggle pay off. You gave me black years and some very bad wounds BUT, You also gave so many year thereafter with joy, happiness, stability and true love with intimacy and tenderness that I don’t want to have lived without.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).

A relapse of my husband.
Lack of love from me - that arise from fear of being betrayed again- that kind of fear close my heart, to protect myself - I can't give or take love if my heart is closed.
Lack of love from my husband- that arise from guilt and shame and fear of being left alone.
If I cant truly heal from my wounds and hold my husband guilty for this.
Inefficient communication.
Lack of communication.
If some of us ignore our problems and stops to work with ourself.
Not enough time - a matter of priority.


d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?
True open love to a partner without fear, without any thorn, without hesitating, without doubt. True open love that is mutual.
Except this I don’t need to accomplished any specific goal to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have any dreams, cause I have many this I would enjoy.

e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)
Become a grown up man that can take care of himself and his family in a good way and handle emotions and life without any addiction of any kind.
Take a year of and sail.

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)
Being honest to myself and others
Respect myself and others
Enjoy life
Value myself
Take care of and support my children
Follow my heart and trust myself so I will be in peace with my decisions and actions.
Show my love to my dear family and friends
Be open for others support and love
Surround myself with thoughts, things and people that makes me happy and free my soul.
Let go of everything that don't makes me happy and free my soul.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 4:37 pm 
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Posts: 44
Exercise2:
Once you have completed this activity, both of you should write up a brief summary of what positive thoughts such dependency on each other triggered and post them in your couple's thread.

Partners summary: This practise wasn't easy for us. We had to do it twice.

First time we agreed that this evening would be initiated by my husband and that I just had to wait. But when the weeks past and nothing happened I became sad and disappointed. I reminded him but only got the answer that my disappointment reduced his inspiration and therefore I had to wait even longer time for this event. Eventually after some fighting, nagging from me he eventually pressed himself to initiate the evening. However I had a problem as I feel that he didn't focus om me, I didn't feel loved- which I thought was the core of the exercise together with that he would do something for me. I feel that he was not focusing on me and my needs. He was more practical and just did it. At one stage he had planed to wash me in the shower, but I wasn't comfortable with the situation and after he washed me he wanted me to wait while he washed himself, I didn't want to stand there wet and cold and wait.
After this evening, we both where very disappointed, me because I have so many times through out the years felt that I and the children are not top priority for my husband. He was disappointed that I was disappointed.

Ok, after many tears and talking we agreed in try to do the exercise again. This time I asked if he wanted to initiate, but he didn't want to have that on his shoulders. So three weeks ago I asked if he was prepared ta take the evening with me. I arranged that the children was at grandmas place.

Ok, this time was better, my husband had actually planed something he knew I liked to do together with the eating, brushing teeth etc. But I have high expectations. I think a part of me wanted the exercise to compensate for years of lack of love. However I felt that he was there and that he loves me and that he reaIly tried this time. I also tried to care about him and shaved him, it was fun.

To be honest we have bad period this last months and we have big problem in communication. I don't know what his doing and his not really here in his mind. Everything we talk about easily ends up in fighting and tears. It's three years since he told me, but I think we have our biggest crisis right now. I have tried to understand and talk to him about this. After two month I think he eventually found one important piece to the problems. He still feels such a guilt that he can't discuss anything with me without constant defending himself and his thoughts. If he discuss the same thing with a neighbour or anyone he talks in a complete different way, he admits this. I'm desperate because this defending of himself as person create a hugh wall between us. Perhaps I have the same problem but the other way around. Perhaps I'm still disappointed in my heart of his selfish actions, what do I know.

Please, what exercise do we need the most right now and when can we get the coach we payed for in summer 2014. We are a bit desperat and need help. I understand that you coaches also have family, work and not so much time. But if one of you have time pleas contact us


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 9:35 am 
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Once you have completed this activity, both of you should write up a brief summary of what positive thoughts such dependency on each other triggered and post them in your couple's thread.

We had to do this exercise twice before we felt that we got the essence of the exercise. My first thoughts was that this would be an easy exercise. How hard could it be, what my first thinking.

The first session was a disaster. It just makes me sad thinking of it. We had very different expectations. I was focusing on how to please her and she had really high demands om me focusing all my energy on her. As we went along, I got more and more uncertain about what I was doing. And as my uncertainty grew, her frustation grew along with it. It was a painstaking exercise.

After that I felt really low. Was there anything left of our relationship? We’ve had a rough time in our relationship before the exercise and it grew even worse afterwards. A lot of failure in communication. I think that was the root cause. Failure to listen and failure to talk, from both sides.

That in it self, yielded high expectations a long with big disappointments.

My had a lack in self confidence to really pull out of the bad circle of events that was pulling us down.

At the end of the day, I felt really guilty towards what I have done to my wife. In that, I have a hard time forgiving myself for my actions. And carrying that shame and guilt, made it difficult for my to stand up for myself, which also caused a lot of frustration in our relationship.

Then we decided to give the exercise another go. I admit that I was a bit reluctant at first. I still felt that we were at the rock bottom of our relationship. How could I pull the energy up and dare to give it another go?

We talked about me feelings of guilt and shame, which was good. Then we settled a new date together. We also reread the purpose and content of the exercise, and we both concluded that we hade missed a couple of important aspects in the first round.

Then we had a nice afternoon together with now children. My surprise was that we would go cross-country skiing from our house and just enjoy being outdoor and listening to the sounds of nature in winter.

I was allowed to brush her teeth and I let her shave me which I have been reluctant to let her do in the past.

It was a very nice experience. Much more relaxed compared to our first try. I also felt a whole less pressure to perform. Which made me more relaxed and I think that also made her more relaxed.

But I was surprised that this exercise would be so hard. And it spread some light into other challenges in our relationship that we would need to work further with.


Last edited by Niak on Sun May 17, 2015 3:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 3:21 pm 
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Posts: 190
Value conflicts that are being or may likely be violated by my partner’s behaviour.


Behaviour:
I have been neglecting my own recovery in terms of my regular health monitoring.

Response:
I will, without her asking, tell that I have started to slip on my health monitoring but I will now take full responsibility in putting myself back on track.


Behaviour:
My wife finds a suspicious SMS conversation in my phone. She confronts me by asking relevant questions to the where and why.

Response:
I will, without feeling falsely accused, answer the questions as sincere as possible, without minimizing or holding out on the truth. I will see it as an opportunity to get a reflection of my own behavior, and in doing so, getting an opportunity to identity a potential start of a compulsive behavior.


Behaviour:
I’m standing in the garden talking to the next door wife. My wife sees me from the house and it makes her suspicious. When I come back inside, she confronts me and ask me if it is part of my compulsive behavior. Regardless of my answer, she don’t believe me and don’t trust me.

Response:
I will, as calmly as possible, try to tell that there wasn’t anything going on between me and the next door wife and that I understand her suspicion. It leaves me feeling falsely accused, helpless with a bit of hopelessness.


Behaviour:
She is asking relevant and hard questions which makes me my feelings of shame and guilt surface.

Response:
Instead of being threatened and start to minimize or hold our of the truth, I will tell her about my true feelings of shame and guilt and ask for a time-out in order to regain emotional balance. That way I can provide a better response in terms of sincerity and honesty.


Behaviour:
When I’m speaking and in the middle of a sentence, she interrupts me.

Response:
I stop what I’m saying and say “please let me finish”.


Behaviour:
In some situations, when I choose to do something for myself, and at the same time, my wife had anticipated something else, she can feel neglected by me. Then she gets irritated and starts questioning my priorities.

Response:
I ask her if she is over reacting.


Behaviour:
A situation arises at work which I need to prioritize. This prioritization means that I will for a time period, spend more time with work rather that with my wife and family. I feel stressed over the situation. Instead of supporting me in my situation, she will question my priorities which makes me even more stressed and feel squeezed between a rock and a hard place.

Response:
I will appeal to her and ask her to understand my situation.


Behaviour:
I have decided to attend a party or dinner related to work.

Response:
Before I go, I will be explicit in how I will get there, when I will return and how I will behave. Because I’m aware how stressful this situation can be to her.


Behaviour:
When she is extremely upset and disappointed, she threatens me and is on the bring of serving physical abuse.

Response:
In this situation, I will stand back and get out of her way. Not provoking her in delivering any physical abuse.


Behaviour:
She is not prioritizing time for her self, like spending time with friends or exercising, which makes her sad and miserable.

Response:
I will take more initiative in daily activities and give her more opportunities to make time for her self.


Last edited by Niak on Sun May 17, 2015 3:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 3:28 pm 
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Posts: 44
What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
That he continue his life with periodos of addiction.
That he allowed himself to fall back into addiction (his own hunt for rush is more important than life with me and the children),
that he hurts our children in any way and cause them dammage for life,
that he is unfaithful,
that he omission the truth (he lies)
that he lies about his recovery,
that he disrespect me and neglect my health thereby give me some decease like AIDS or something.

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
That he fade in hes recovery work and stop talk to me about it
That he easily gets angry
More time in front of computer
Not interested in my situation or thoughts
That hes not really here
If he has communication problems and always start to defend himself an every situation.
He stops to show interest in our children problems and life
He stops ta share his emotions

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
When he is unable to reach to talk to to have contact with. When he starts to lie, minimise and glorify his own stories and actions.
If he stops to understand how important it is to me that he regularly shares hes recovery triumphs and mistakes.
If he stops sharing he thoughts only what trouble he has at work
If I get the feeling of being left alone with our problems
If he starts to say that his always to ”tired” to talk, he just want us to have it nice and thereby never ever likes to talk about anything that is hard to talk about.
He prioritise me and the family less
He cant talk and discuss about all these behaviour listed above without becoming angry and frustrated.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
He is interested in a deeper contact and want to develop our relation
He is interested of my and our children thoughts and life.
He is interested in support our children in a healthy way.
He continuously work with his recovery take responsibility for his recovery and finds it naturally to share both this and all others aspects of his life and thoughts openly and regular with me and his closest.
He is able to share his fears, sadness, uncertainty, problems and failings as easy as his success, progress and achievements.


My old boundaries from partner recovery (I let them be here with the others until I know better)


That my husband stop or fade in his recovery work or in monitoring program. I will recognise this as he stops charing. This is a very important boundary for me and I will let him know that he violated an important boundary. Listen to what he has to say and consider if I should leave the relationship.
That my husbands falls back into his addiction and are unfaithful with someone else. He tells me, someone else tells me or I recognise that his not present anymore and our contact is bad. This I a very important boundary for me and I will let him know that he violated an important boundary. If this ever happens again I think my love will die and then I will leave the relationship.

I will only live with a partner that I trust and love. If I can't trust my husband again then I think my respect and love will die, and I will leave. However I'm prepared to wait and see if I will trust him again, wait and let him work with himself.

That my husband omission the truth and do things behind my back. It's not easy to recognise this, I have to listen and trust my feelings. And of course let him know that he violated my boundaries.


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PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2015 1:43 pm 
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Posts: 190
The Partnership Contract
(SA)

I, Niak do pledge:

To take personal responsibility for ending addiction in my life.

To not allow any excuses, obstacles or challenges distract me from this responsibility.

To make the transition to a healthy life a top priority — above even saving my marriage/relationship.

An understanding that there are no guarantees inherent with recovering as a couple. That the decision to continue the relationship has not yet been made. That a healthy decision can't be made until two healthy individuals merge from this recovery or it becomes apparent that such health will not be achieved.

If I find that I have violated any paragraph in this contract, I will immediately tell my partner.

To invest the next six months (at least) of my life developing new life management skills and learning how to effectively use them.

To continue to evolve the skills that I learn (on my own and as a team), long after the workshop has ended.

To make decisions based on long-term health, not short-term advantage.

To encourage my partner in her healing efforts. Not to hijack or manage those efforts, but to support her management of them.

Not to seek/assign blame for the problems in our relationship but rather, to acknowledge that there are problems and work together to solve them.

To construct a value system that consists of no less than eight active areas of my life that are capable of generating meaning and purpose (e.g. marriage, career, kids, hiking, music, etc.)

To mechanically monitor my life with a weekly monitoring and a quarterly life assessment for as long as I live.

To never consciously deceive my partner as a means of minimizing personal responsibility for my actions or 'protecting' her from pain.

That I have shared everything about my addiction to the best of my recollection/willingness. And that anything I continue to hold on to, I am doing so because I am not ready to share it openly.

That I have no hidden relationships, accounts, magazines, files, etc., that I have stashed away. All of them have been either destroyed or acknowledged.

That I will not allow a single compulsive urge to go unchallenged. I may not be able to control these urges, but I will never allow them to evolve into destructive action without putting up a conscious fight.

That I will immediately share with my partner, support system and/or recovery coach any ritual that I do not manage successfully. I will regard omitting the truth to be the same as a lie.

To communicate to my partner and/or support system those times when I recognize complacency, confusion or conflict settling in to my recovery.

To monitor my recovery for signs of 'going through the motions' and take action when such signs are observed.

To seek as a privilege, not a punishment, opportunities to develop my emotional maturity and life skills.

To learn and respect the evolving values of my partner.

To accept all consequences of all my decisions. That includes any decision to withhold information, to engage in secret behaviour, etc. I understand that it doesn't matter if the consequences are reasonable or just. Just as I have chosen to engage in the behaviour; others have the choice of how they will respond. I am responsible for my actions.

To accept all consequences from having violated my partner's boundaries. This, as dictated by my partner's observations, not my own.

Keep mindful that my partner is imperfect and deserves understanding and patience. That she will make mistakes — some in direct contradiction to what is healthy.

To discover, acknowledge and eliminate all destructive communication rituals that I engage in.

To never use violence, emotional abuse, coercion or other threats to manipulate or otherwise control/repress my partner.

To respect my partner's boundaries surrounding sexuality: including a refrain from unwanted sexual advances, sexual pressure, sexual expectation, etc. I recognize that any sexual activity between us during this period of recovery must be mutually desired.

(P)
I, tahandommig do pledge:

To take personal responsibility for healing from the trauma that I have experienced. I have both the right to heal and the right to live a healthy life. To surround myself with healthy people.

To allow myself to feel the pain of this discovery without shame or embarrassment. I did not cause this addiction. Our marriage did not cause this addiction. Both have merely been caught in its web.

Understanding that there is no path that I am 'supposed to' follow. That whatever I feel, is natural. When it becomes destructive to my own life or others (e.g. neglecting my kids, my career, my friends, etc.), it is my responsibility to take action. I am accountable for the destruction that results from my behavior — even if that behavior is directly related to his addiction.

To hold my partner accountable as a mature adult, not a child. That his skills may be immature is not a sufficient reason to lesson my expectations of him acting like an adult. I will be compassionate as he develops this maturity, but will hold him accountable for what he does during the development.

To share my feelings, thoughts and experiences openly — using healthy judgment as to when, to who and how I share them.

To rebuild trust in my instincts. To use these instincts in guiding the gray areas of my life. To develop the courage to act on these instincts.

To separate my healing needs from my partner's recovery needs — acknowledging we have different paths to travel as individuals, but respecting the importance of both.

That I will make a decision to stay with my partner based primarily on my love for him and his ability to meet my most important needs; not because I feel pressured/stuck in the relationship.

To build a life of my own, capable of sustaining meaning and fulfillment regardless of my partner's commitment to his recovery.

To acknowledge that challenges existed within our marriage/relationship prior to the discovery of this addiction.

To not use avoidance as means of managing our relationship.

To acknowledge that I have made mistakes in my own life, in our marriage/relationship and will continue to make mistakes.

To not settle for sticking my head in the sand. I do not want to sweep this crisis under the rug, nor do I want it to just go away. Instead, I want to take the time we need to fundamentally change our relationship.

To establish a boundary system that is clear and healthy; to teach my partner those boundaries; and to work together to enforce them. This means providing ongoing feedback, support and encouragement to my partner as he recognizes those boundaries.

To encourage and support my partner in his effort to change his life.
Understanding that my partner will not achieve perfection in his recovery. That he will make mistakes — some irrational, some selfish, some immature — that could serve as grounds for destroying any progress that has been made. I will instead place these actions in the context of addiction recovery, not perfection.

Within reason, I will accept gradual progress in my partner's recovery when it is accompanied by sincere effort.

To seek out changes in my partner with objectivity and optimism. I want him to succeed. I want him to become healthy.

To keep perspective between the ideals and the reality of my partner's recovery. For instance, while I would like for him to experience no urges, I know this is an unrealistic ideal. In reality, I will separate these urges from his response to them.

To provide my partner with a safe environment from which he can learn about his addiction, pursue recovery and transition into a healthy person.

Additional Healing Contracts
The following are additional boundaries and/or consequences that have been established in mutual understanding and agreement:

Any changes to this contract is done with the mutual understanding of both parties.

I, Niak, will protect my partner from any public humiliation as a result of my compulsive behaviour or urges. When meeting women that have been the target of my compulsive behaviour, I will not pretend like nothing has happened, but rather cut the situation short and tell my partner the reason for my awkwardness and let her know that I will will come back to her with an explanation at a later stage when I’m not feeling stressed or embarrassed.


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PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2015 3:03 pm 
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Posts: 190
1) How many times over the past year have you consciously made a decision that you felt you were right on, but deferred to your partner's decision because consciously, you thought that she was deserving of equal consideration?

This very hard to count but I known that this is a part of my behaviour that is very week. I can't recall a single situation. I can do this more often. I need to increase my ability to listen to her needs rather than just high jacking them into my own.

2) Actively seek out at least one such opportunity over the next two weeks. In all conflicts from this point forward, apply this awareness to your decision-making process. This doesn't mean that you have to defer all decisions to your partner, only that you make such decisions after giving your partner's thoughts equal consideration. Actively seek equality, not the illusion of equality in your relationship.

Will do.

3) Consider the following situations and share with your partner first an INEFFECTIVE way of communicating each; then how you WILL EFFECTIVELY communicate such situations should they come to pass.

Situation #1
There exists something about your addiction that you were afraid to tell your partner about. The further you get into recovery, the more you realize the importance of absolute honestly not simply as a policy for recovery but as a value for your life. You now want to share with her these additional disclosures but don't know how. You fear her response will be targeted towards the behaviors themselves, not the maturity and growth that was at the center of wanting to disclose.

Ineffective: Me fear leads to me trying to protect her from these truths, by minimising, being vague and unclear. which in turn yields her response into being interrogative.

Effective: Start by setting the scene in an open and sincere way. Also be aware that disclosing these new facts might lead to feelings of embarrassment and awkwardness that in turn might lead to limited communication as in starting to minimise, being vague and unclear. Be prepared of that. Also, take the time to listen to her response and needs, given these new findings.

Situation #2
After achieving two months of complete abstinence, you are feeling sexually frustrated and allow yourself to view porn for twenty minutes while you masturbated. She was in the next room sleeping. She is completely unaware of what you did. What's more, you have covered your tracks effectively, recognize that you wouldn't have engaged in this behavior if she wouldn't have sexually rejected you earlier in the night and feel certain it was just an anomaly. You are thinking to yourself that communicating this event to her will cause more problems than they will solve.

Ineffective: don't communicate this at all

Effective: recognise that not telling the truth is the same as a lie. Withholding this act, regardless of the consequences, is an impediment to complete hones and openness in the relationship. From that point, I will tell her about my act and also that I that I need to come back to her at a later stage with more on the consequences that I see them from my own recovery.

Situation #3
You have maintained abstinence from all overt sexual rituals. Still, a haunting feeling of insecurity and doubt has begun to develop inside your head. You don't want to act out, but are feeling uncertain as to your ability to maintain your abstinence.

Ineffective: again, protecting her from the blunt truth, tell parts of the situation and reassure her that you are handling this situation.

Effective: be open about the feeling of uncertainty. Let her know that this is the situation now and that you are aware of it and will continue to come back to her with more information as it evolves.

Situation #4
Your partner comes to you with concerns about you having lied about the details of an affair. You have been through this with her many times and nothing ever changes. Your answers remain the same (because they are truthful); her accusations remain (because she believes them to be truthful).

Ineffective: dig deeper in where I currently stand. "I can't tell you anything more than the truth!"
Effective: listen to her and try to understand her situation. Acknowledge her concerns and doubts, however painful they are. Open up for the
possibility that I could have withhold or minimised information and that I need time to go things through in a calm and thorough way. I might come back with the same information but I have challenged myself and my "believes".


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PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2015 3:09 pm 
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1) Consider the following situations and share with your partner first an INEFFECTIVE way of communicating each; then how you WILL EFFECTIVELY communicate such situations should they come to pass. These are to be considered safe, hypothetical situations. Even if they are similar to a real-life event, process them as hypothetical. Your mindset and emotions should be one of disengaged learning, not real-life processing.
Your partner is contacted by an old romantic partner that they haven't seen in many years. Not wanting to keep any secrets from you, they tell you exactly when the person will be in town and would like your permission to visit with them alone over dinner.
Get angry and disappointed and give no permission. Start to scream and go on so that our children will hear their mother be angry and disappointed an partly understand that there is other women in the picture.
To tell my husband that it’s not my task to give or not to give permission. Thats his task. I can only ask if he thinks It’s appropriate and let him know how it affect me and my feelings and what worries me. I will ask him if he thinks its a good idea and why he wants to meet this person

You come home early from work and find your partner masturbating to porn on the Internet. Upon seeing you, they quickly close down the computer and lie about what they were doing.
Get angry and disappointed and start to interrogate him immediately, about everything or even with pretend that I didn’t believe him.
Tell him that I don't accept a lie and urge him to read our contract and come back to me as soon as possible.
You suspect that your partner is lying to you about where they were, but you have no proof.
Don’t tell him about my feelings but rather shut him out and be snappish and cold in my behaviour.
Tell him about my feelings and urge him to read our contract and come back to me as soon as possible.

You find yourself feeling frisky and so you make a few sexual overtures towards your partner that are quickly brushed off. You are feeling hurt and rejected.
Don’t respect his feelings and mode, and start nagging and ask if he doesn’t love me and so on.
Tell him about my feelings, that Im feeling hurt and rejected and tell him that I’m therefore disappointed but It’s OK cause sometimes its the other way around.

After discovering that your partner had been involved in many affairs over the course of your marriage, you experience the urge to ask your partner if he had an affair while you were pregnant some eight years ago. You want to know if he ever used your bed to have an affair.
Start an interrogation and demand the truth and also declare that if so you will end the relationship.
Tell him about my urge and try to explain why I want to know. Explain what good that the answer could bring to me. If they didn't use the bed I can gladly sleep and use our bed because it’s clean. If they used the bed I would like to get ride of it because I find it degrading to use it. I would tell him that in that case I would like a new bed thats only ours.


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PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2015 2:12 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:41 am
Posts: 190
Hidden Meanings

For both of us, this was a very fun and rewarding exercise. It was a competition to think of the most creative message and at the same time to figure out where my partner had hidden her messages.

For me personally, it was also rewarding in terms of experiencing a deeper meaning to some of the messages that I had hidden. Putting words onto a piece of paper made me realise more things that just saying the words.

It also helped me in putting myself into her shoes and imagining what words or message that she would really appreciate. I have often be too self-centric.

Again, a rewarding experience.


Last edited by Niak on Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:32 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:41 am
Posts: 190
We sat down and talked while my partner summarised my addiction. It was a straight and open talk.

My partner was comfortable talking about it. I had, as so many times before, moments of guilt.


Last edited by Niak on Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:37 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:41 am
Posts: 190
At first I thought that the exercise was a bit difficult. I could certainly relate to the caveats listed. But reading the story was another matter.

I could put myself into the persons situation. And I would be very suspicious in giving the partner a second change. The trust was broken at it needed to be restored. Not by words but through action.

I also felt sorry for the character since he had done nothing wrong. The only mistake was in trusting the partner which shouldn't have been a mistake in the first place.

But it was hard to emotionally relate the story to my own and my wife's situation. I could see the logic in it but I'm reluctant to let myself experience the emotions. That goes back to one of the previously listed caveats in wearing the shame-googles. I'm wearing those and at the same time protecting myself from seeing the story from my own perspective and experience, but also from my partner's experience and emotions. This makes me sad but I have to be honest about it.

In the second part of the exercise I got to listen to my partner's reflection upon reading the story. I experienced a lot of guilt and shame but I was also given an insight into the emotions of my partner. It was tough to listen but I'm very thankful in her giving me her honest views on her experiences and thoughts on how the story relates to my addiction and our relationship.

I could see how much I need to improve in the area of honesty and openness in order to restore her trust in me. Given our background of relapse and set backs, this will be a tough journey. It also goes back to my own commitment.

I could also see that there are areas in my addiction that is still hard to understand for my partner. There is no rational logic in some of my decisions and behaviours. Understanding addiction in general is one thing but another in ones partner. I can see that it will take effort and time to learn to live with these facts.

It was a good exercise. It gave me insight and perspective into how my partner have experienced my addiction. In essence, she told nothing that hasn’t been told before. My in light of the exercise, it helped me connecting the dots to get a deeper understanding of her situation. But also, what areas are more important than others in going forward.


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