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PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 7:09 am 
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Ready to get started...


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 9:26 pm 
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Me too.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:08 pm 
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getting ready to compose "the letter"...digging in the dirt...


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 3:19 pm 
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Hoping rehashing, capturing everything on paper, and physically purging is cathartic for you. Let me know when you've destroyed it, so we can move on…


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2016 11:51 am 
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Currently working on it. Rehashing indeed. Trying to go back in time to unpleasant places and think about unpleasant things. Trying to trust this process. In a sense already dealt with these things via other methods (group, therapy, et.) But I will persevere.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:42 pm 
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i may be almost done with my letter. i will continue to think about it for the next several days to determine if there is anything i have consciously or unconsciously left out...and if so, i will modify as required.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 8:47 am 
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letter completed and destroyed. reading next exercise. should be completed today.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 11:52 am 
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Thank you, baby. Letter wasn't an issue for me, but glad to hear it's gone.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 12:29 pm 
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I AM READY FOR EXERCISE 2...I THINK...I FEEL KIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT IT...THE CLOSENESS AND INTIMACY ARE SCARY FOR ME...I DON'T LIKE BEING THAT CLOSE TO ANYONE...BUT IF I HAVE TO, IT WOULD BE WITH YOU. IT'S A HUGE MIND SHIFT IN CONSCIOUSNESS THAT I NEED FOR THIS. TOGETHER I KNOW WE CAN SUCCEED.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 4:32 pm 
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This one will be tough for me, too. I'm uncomfortable with "being taken care of" in such a personal way. I'm self-conscious and embarrassed to be so exposed to you, in any of the ways mentioned in the exercise examples. I like that dimmer light, you know; I hide the bits and pieces of me that I don't want you to see. I feel like you have judged me (not overtly) in the past, and haven't ever really actually seen me in many ways. I strive to be a certain someone for you, someone you are proud to be with, and you "taking care of me" strips away a lot of that. I feel that you're bound to be disappointed. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad when really considering this upcoming exercise.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 20, 2016 10:00 am 
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thanks for sharing so much with me last night. i will try to be sensitive to your fears and concerns. i will not judge you. this will be a vulnerability sensitivity awareness exercise for us both....


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2016 12:42 pm 
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just finished reading "healing contracts". i think i'm a little confused as to my portion of required work here. i don't understand how this applies to my values being diminished by your behavior? what consequences do i develop for your behavior? it doesn't make sense to me. i may be missing the obvious, per usual...


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2016 3:33 pm 
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You may want to peruse other couples' posts and see how folks on your end deal with considering the healing contract. I have to agree though, I'm not sure how much of this exercise is actually pertinent for you, as far as the writing goes.

Here's what I've come up with for my healing contract at this point - I have found this tough to nail down, and keep revamping it the more I think about it.


My existing values/boundaries:

~ No other human being (whether real or otherwise) should occupy our immediate familial relationship in a destructive way (not physically, mentally or emotionally). The four of us are an entity to be protected by me and my husband. If my husband does not protect our family in this positive way, then I need to do so by guiding him to get help. If he does not, then I need to protect my children by leaving our marriage.
~ Our marriage is a partnership that needs to be nourished in a consistent and ongoing positive manner. I strive to keep that at the forefront of my mind to continue moving forward. My husband needs to do this as well, and contribute with both words and actions. If he does not, then we will discuss and look for further help outside of our partnership.
~ I consider my husband in everything I do; if I wouldn’t want him doing it, I don’t do it. He should do the same. If he missteps here, then he should bring it to me to discuss and deal with together.
~ I work hard to think before I speak; words hurt and leave long-lasting impressions on those I love. I struggle with this. In the (distant) past my husband has said hurtful words to me. If any of that came to light again, we should discuss immediately so as not to have anger fester.
~ I deserve to be content and mentally healthy in my marriage. If my husband doesn't support this at any point, the marriage will be over.

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?

Any porn usage at all. Any lies, mistruths, omissions or “sneaky” behavior that is knowingly negative to our relationship. Seeking sexual satisfaction outside of our relationship (even solo masturbation* at this point). Any weed* use. Any contact with any woman/female friend from his past without adequate conversation with me beforehand.

* I believe weed usage goes hand-in-hand with our marital difficulties/his sexual addiction, and any “numbing” to our relationship is hurtful and tells me he's putting himself before us in a core way. Masturbation, again, at this point, also selfishly takes away from our marriage and lends nothing to our healing.

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?

Extended periods of moodiness for no apparent reason. Defensiveness over seemingly nothing. Erratic mood shifts during couple or family time. Elongated periods of time without checking in with me emotionally. Discontinued therapy, group-work or RN exercises. Extended time spent online/on phone without sharing content. Lack of presence in normal couple or family time (evenings, weekends).

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
See last answer.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?

Continued positive interaction with our family – continued positive engagement with me and the kids. Continued active presence in our marriage – two-sided conversation, sharing of feelings relating to work we are doing, daily life... If being drawn to negative, closed-off feelings from us, I’d like it acknowledged up front, if possible at this point. I can be understanding with occasional lapses in presence, but not emotional abuse which make me doubt myself or his love for me. If feeling “off”, mention it to me to let me off the hook. I can give him emotional space. I won’t guess at what is wrong, or if I did something to upset him. Transparency in all he does that matters, or thinks would matter, to me/family. Eventually, consistently wanted intimacy, expressed both emotionally and sexually.

Maybe all of my thoughts put out there in this "contract" help you come up with some/any values you may want to share? I'm not pressuring you on this, as I don't think you're not thinking hard enough/putting the effort in; I truly do get why you would feel you have nothing to lend on this exercise (again, from the writing end of it). Perhaps we just talk about what I've come up with and see what positivity comes from that?


Last edited by Kalamazoo on Thu Jan 21, 2016 4:16 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2016 3:59 pm 
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i want to respond without it sounding like i am "judging" anything you wrote above. you have listed some great things that are paramount to continued healing and to keeping things moving in a positive direction. at first blush i cannot think of any one piece that strikes me as unreasonable, unrealistic, unrelated, off-point, or any other appropriate adjective. i can tell you have been thinking about this. please don't hesitate to add/modify as things come up on your own or through any future conversations we have regarding this item.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2016 4:21 pm 
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Just revamped one last time…feel like it adequately says what I need to say without too much redundancy. Hard to not sound angry when writing it, as I am "laying down the law" from my end of our marriage. I'm not angry at this point - I'm proud that we've gotten to this place. I'm hoping a lot of these bits are things far past, and not really worth mentioning anymore. But it's supposed to be a "contract", and one for me and my healing, so I tried to really get it all in there. I love you.


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