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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 12:19 pm 
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Exercise 2 thread for couple SubLDO and HurtingWife28


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 12:31 pm 
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SubLDO lesson 2 brief summary of what positive thoughts such dependency on each other triggered:

First, to ensure I was not just checking the box on this exercise, I put myself in the right frame of mind that that exercise described. I wanted to not look at my wife as an invalid or do this as a romantic gesture, but to really understand how important she is to me, to think about how fragile she is, and how much she means to me.

We sat down, read the instructions for each of us, then I made an easy dinner, fed her, and we talked about the thoughts and feelings each of us had...both good and negative feelings. Next, I brushed her teeth...this was a bit awkward for me....not exactly easy to brush someone else's teeth. After that, I drew a bath, lit candles and gave my wife a bath. Next, I brushed her hair as she watched one of her recorded shows on the DVR, then I read to her from the "Hold Me Tight" EFT book.

Afterwards, we discussed what we both got out of this. She felt insecure. I tried to remain in thought about just taking care of her and what she means to me. This started with the soup and crackers. She loves soup scalding hot, so I was worried I would burn her while feeding her...then, because it was taking awhile to feed her, I was worried it would cool off too much and not be to her liking. We talked about this and laughed about what was really important.....and not focusing on the perfect details.

Overall, my wife responded well and seemed to be touched and liked the personal attention.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 5:36 pm 
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Through our 28 years of marriage, my husband has demonstrated many times his willingness to be a care giver. This exercise highlighted his natural gifting. To believe that I will be cared for in a respectful and caring way is comforting. Especially, if I were physically challenged and was unable to care for myself. I realize that I'm comforted because of the trust that has been built and maintained by my husband in this area. I also noticed his thoughtfulness in executing his plan for me. He chose foods that I liked, candles to surround my bath, remembered my special face wash and chose a book that he knew I would enjoy. All of this combined gives me a sense of security that I very much need in order to thrive in our relationship.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2016 6:18 pm 
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This is the top level thread where Individual posts attached to this blog/post.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2016 6:57 pm 
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Lesson three post from SubLDO: :t:

First, I must admit that this was a difficult lesson for several reasons. Since I was the one who betrayed my wife and went against the vows I agreed to for our marriage, it was difficult to talk about my partners behaviors that I would find completely unacceptable..... Because, some of these I have so easily done to her with little regard! I am feeling so much guilt and shame, remorse... It is hard to talk about my values, boundaries, and consequences for her. I also know that my inability to communicate, talk about feelings, stuff my feelings without dealing with them, and avoiding conflict is the very thing that fueled my secret life and pulling away from my wife.

So, of the values and boundaries I wrote down, here are the list of perceived value conflicts that focus on my values that are being or may likely be violated by my partners behavior:

1. Value: Autonomy / Personal Independence
1.a. Boundary
1.a.1. I will not tolerate unsolicited advice, criticism, intense questioning, or telling me my way is wrong and your way ius right on hobbies, routine work tasks.

1.b. Issue/examples
1.b.1. Giving me unsolicited advice and/or criticism on my hobbies, routine jobs, work which I am responsible for.
1.b.2. Questioning me with dissaproving looks and intensity....
1.b.3. Telling my way is wrong
1.b.4. Having things done exactly my partners way and most everything, then questioning or getting angry when noit done exactly like that

1.c. Consequences
1.c.1. I will first ask my partner to stop this behavior in a loving and respectful way
1.c.2. If this doesn't work, I will ask my partner to leave the area where I am working
1.c. 3. If this doesn't work, I will leave the area and ask to be left alone.

2. Value: Be supporting, be on my side
2.a. Boundary: I will not accept/tolerate my partner not supporting me or taking my side publically
2.b. Consequences
2.b.1. I will first ask my partner to stop this behavior in a loving and respectful way
2.b.2. If this doesn't work, I will ask my partner to leave the area where I am working
2.b.3. If this doesn't work, I will leave the area and ask to be left alone.


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