Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:57 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 9 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 12:44 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:40 am
Posts: 57
ZGGTR:
a. An updated vision for the life that you are leading (this may require no effort at all if your current vision established in your individual workshop is accurate)
- I would say my vision would be to simply be the man that gardener girl deserves. Which means being strong, honest, open, caring and supportive. Add spontaneous adventure seeking, sprinkle in a hint of crazy and there you have it...

b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)
- Over the next year I would hope to strengthen your love and expand on the friendship that we have, after all she is, and always will be, my best friend. I would also like to share everything with her, no secrets means just that....no secrets.
- Too many memories to even list. Finish traveling the world, open up that BNBF (Bed and Breakfast Farm) complete with goats, chickens and a horse, retire and island hop around the world our own sailboat. Of course there are always going to be challenges. Life is the biggest obstacle with money falling right behind. Family gets sick and we will too. Being able to afford all those things listed about will not be easy, but then again I would be happy living in a car as long as it is with Gardner Girl.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).
- Lack of trust, Lack of forgiveness, Me (My SCA, lack of communication, lack of ownership and the list goes on).

d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)
- Try everything. Not sure how to phrase it but I want to experience as much as this world can offer. But not wanting to cop out i would say the most important thing is doing anything with Gardener Girl by my side. If I have to list a few I would say
- Sail around the Caribbean and do an Atlantic crossing
- Visit EVERY country and continent in the world
- Own a Dodge Viper, 1935 SJ LaGrande Dual-Cowl Phaeton and fly a P-51D.
- Drive a race car around a racetrack.
- Take a deserving (poor) family on a trip of a lifetime and let them experience a
dream they never thought would happen.
- When everything is said and done and I'm shot out of a cannon (don't ask) I want
People to look back and say. "That guy really did live life to the fullest"
- The list can go on but you get the idea, I'm all over.

e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)
- Own property with goats and chickens
- Travel the world
- Have some of her photographs published
- Live a happy life

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)
Love, Happiness, Friendship, Compassion, Family, Nature, Inner Peace, Honesty,
Commitment, and Courage


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 12:58 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:17 pm
Posts: 53
a. An updated vision for the life that you are leading (this may require no effort at all if your current vision established in your individual workshop is accurate)
I would like to reconnect with my creative side, do more yoga, keep taking long walks with my partner and cooking meals together. We have started a gratitude list in the evening that we share with each other and want to keep that up. To be more mindful and present so I can enjoy the little moments.

b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)
-In the next year I hope to be able to communicate with my partner freely no matter the topic. I hope to learn the skills to be a better listener when he is communicating with me and not be reactive, to gather my thoughts and be able to communicate what I am feeling without shutting down. I hope that my partner will be able to do the same in return. I hope the open lines of communication will help us develop a level of intimacy we have not had before. I hope that we can both heal from the hurt and pain his addiction has caused. I hope to mend my heart and be able to share it with him fully again.
-Looking back from death on…I want to see that we did our best at living full lives. That we got to laugh, love, and travel and experience life with vibrancy and passion. I want us to feel that we were the best of friends and will want to find each other in the next life. That we were compassionate and did some good in the world.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).
Lack of Communication or Miscommunication
Lack of Trust/Feeling Safe
Complacency
Stress
Me shutting off my emotions

d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)
To love passionately with my whole heart and build a strong relationship foundation with my partner
Have a small farm one day (whether it is an urban farm, country farm)
Create a body of art I am proud of
To be the supportive/loving wife
Visit Machu Pichu and Petra
Maybe learn to play the ukulele ☺
Be a good daughter and continue building a relationship with my father

e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)
To overcome his addiction and in his words “be her man”.
Continue to travel-World Anniversary Trip
Sail
Balance career and personal life
Maybe learn to play guitar/bass
Learn Spanish

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)
Love
Honesty
Accountability
Creativity
Openness
Balance
Joy (finding joy in the little things)
Inner Harmony
Learning
Authenticity


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 5:30 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:17 pm
Posts: 53
Exercise 3
Healing Contracts


Values that may be violated by my husband
Honesty
Accountability
Openness
Fidelity

Boundaries
1.No sexual contact outside of the relationship *Consequence end of relationship.
2.Recovery must remain consistent (weekly meetings, therapy, individual time spent on 12 steps and exercises) *Consequence, will question if he is fully committed and will ask him to attend more meetings, therapy, take time to evaluate what he wants.
3. No viewing porn or otherwise sexually arousing material of any kind to be accessed on any device, kept in possession, or viewed in any form. *Consequence-if he comes to me about the slip, I will ask that he attend meetings, check in with sponsor, talk about it in therapy about what he could have done to prevent it. If discovered on my own and find out he lied/covered it up then will ask him to sleep elsewhere, go camping, take time to evaluate what he wants. I will also reevaluate if I continue to work on relationship.
4. No secret e-mail accounts or contact with prior acting-out partners. If there are still any secret accounts now would be time to disclose, delete and move on. *Consequence is same as #3
5. No searching and soliciting on craigslist. *Consequence is same as #3 but could also lead to end of relationship.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:59 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:40 am
Posts: 57
Healing Contract:

Please understand that I'm trying. Trying to be the man you deserve and to trying to figure out how to control my addiction. If I should slip or act out that you be understanding and supportive.

When I start to share things with you...no matter how strange, weird or odd you may feel they are, please look at it with an open mind and agree to talk about it together.

I will also Listen, be supportive and open minded when you share things with me.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 11:27 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:17 pm
Posts: 53
Exercise 2
My SAH surprised me in the middle of the day with making gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches, with my favorite goat cheese. He cut the sandwiches up and fed me. Then he gave me a wonderful back massage, that wasn't sexual which I knew was hard for him. We then went on a 3 mile walk upon my request. It was lovely and I didn't feel weird with him feeding me or anything.

Exercise 4-the partnership contract. We each read our own aloud to each other and discussed how we related to them and how they made us feel.

Exercise 5- We both read this exercise then took a day or so to think about the scenarios. We were both on the same pages for how we both ineffectively communicate and how to effectively communicate. The discussion actually led to another topic in which we caught ourselves being ineffective and changed gears. We are still working on this one.

Exercise 6- Hiding meaningful notes
We are in the midst of this one. It is a fun exercise and looking forward to how this turns out. I just hid my first note last night. Will report back after the week.

Exercise 7- We are working on the individual exercises while we are hiding the notes.
I wasn't able to verbalize the summary of my SAH's addiction. I usually need time to think and form my thoughts. I took the evening to do so and here is what I came up with.

Your childhood was just as tumultuous/turbulent as mine, maybe more so. There was lack of healthy role models, abuse and trauma. At 15-16 your acted out with a younger neighbor and was charged legally, no counseling received. This in itself was a traumatic event. I don’t know when you started viewing internet porn but once you were on your own and had internet access you were using porn more often. Over the years it has progressed to online chatting, to emailing people on craigslist, to being unfaithful. You have struggled with this secret life/deception for half of your life. You hit rock bottom when I discovered just how bad this has gotten. You are now working on becoming the person you want to be, doing the work, seeing a therapist and going to meetings.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 5:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:40 am
Posts: 57
Exercise 9

After hearing my wife respond to the scenario and correlate it to my addiction and the pain, hurt and crap I put her through I can say I felt these feelings or had these thoughts:

- Saddness
- Understanding and clarity from her perspective and realize what she is going / has gone thru just a little more.
- disappointed in myself for letting her down and not being a man of my word
- Hurt....that I hurt her
- Hurt that I broke that ever so precious circle of trust
- Solidified my commitment to change
- Solidified my commitment to healing myself for ME which will lead to a better US (hopefully).


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 3:04 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:17 pm
Posts: 53
Exercise 8-Understanding my partner's needs
1) In your Couple's Thread, discuss ways that you can practically implement the insights offered in this lesson.
--I am trying to integrate Joy into the relationship on a regular basis. One, by doing something daily together we enjoy, whether it is going for walks or cooking a meal together. Also, by going to fun events and still socializing with friends. By doing these things it reminds us of how much we enjoy spending time together. I hope this will help him in being with me in the here and now and not feel like “nothing is happening” (progress, ie moving back into our bedroom, cuddling etc.)
--To try and be understanding and supportive. Encourage his recovery while trying not to pressure him. To practice understanding when he discusses urges and slips as long as there is no predetermination or cover-up. By fairly holding him accountable for is actions and by not sweeping it under the rug, shutting down or shutting him out.
2) Examining your current role in your partner's recovery, what mistakes have you made? Are there any you might still be making?
--Early on, I broke down about how I was feeling and sought validation when he was not emotionally mature enough to handle this yet.
--Pressured support is a problem for me. I have developed control issues from this addiction and realize this now. I can’t control how much and fast he works thru this program. I need to give him time to learn and implement the changes.
3) Describe the things you ARE CURRENTLY DOING to role model healthy partnership skills.
I am working on my own recovery regularly while also working on doing the things I love and reconnecting with myself. By getting in touch with my own emotions I am learning to be more compassionate. By setting boundaries and sharing what values are important to me. By taking care of myself mind-body-soul, to live these words and not just preach them.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 11:02 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:40 am
Posts: 57
Exercise 10

This is a very hard exercise for sure and I spent a lot of time thinking about it, before actually trying to put pen to paper. The more I thought about this the harder it became. Partly because it would put me in a funk and partly because I kept trying to lean on what I'm hearing and learning here and at my meetings. Instead I wanted this to be my thoughts, not "what would they say". Hopefully that makes some sort of sense and didn't come out as babbling.

I would want to know that my partner is committed to changing her past behaviors. Want to know the she is committed to understanding the addiction so she can identify when triggers and avoid acting out again. I would expect her to continue seeing the therapist and attend SA meetings as needed.

I would demand: Honesty, Commitment to change, Commitment to bettering herself and Meaningful communication. I would also demand that if there were any times that she acted out along recovery that she tell me. Telling a therapist or the group would not be enough. I would need her to tell me.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2016 12:08 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:40 am
Posts: 57
Exercise 12


I ain't no angel, I still got a still few more dances with the devil. I’m cleanin' up my act (and) little by little I’m getting there. (Now) I can finally stand the man (I see) in the mirror. I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground, I’ve got (some) old habits left. But there’s one or two I might need you to help me get? I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get, but I’m better than I used to be. (I'm fighting) with the devil, got down on his level but I'm (no longer giving in), so (he's gonna give) up on me. When I get that foggy feeling, when I'm feeling down (and) it's hard to keep believing, (but) if I don't keep my head up, I may drown. There'll always be tomorrow and I'll put this cloud behind me. I'm gonna change my ways (and) I'm turning over a new leaf ,gonna get my self in gear. Because I've got a women whos better then most, and I've made a mess of her plains so starting today, all I'm gonna be is her man.

Tim McGraw - Better Than I Used To Be
Kieth Whitley - I'm No Stranger To The Rain
Gary Allan - Her Man


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 9 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group