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PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 3:08 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:36 am
Posts: 162
I screwed up. I did not follow this "rule":
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2. While you are free to read your partner's proposed contracts, DO NOT judge them, criticize them, correct them or in any way allow yourself to become emotionally upset by them. This is a baseline of information that we will then evolve. You both must be free to create and express your thoughts in a safe environment--no matter how warped those thoughts and perceptions might be.


When I read h's start on his contract (with his permission) one of his boundaries set me off. It's not really a big deal - it is, even, probably a GOOD boundary for him to have. It is, basically, that when I get in my self-berating/self bashing mode, he will stay away from me.

The problem is that Sunday we were going to ride our bikes to the amusement park. It is not an easy ride - there is one really big hill - and in the past, I have actually passed out from exertion/low blood sugar on that hill. That passing out set up my anxiety (I do have panic/anxiety attacks anyway) and now, when we even talk about this ride, I can feel the attack - my pulse rises, etc etc. Most of the time, I can talk myself out of panic attacks, but because this trigger had a "real" reason to start (I really did collapse/pass out) it's been harder to get past the anxiety. I tried to make this known - but I'll own I never came out and said directly "I have building anxiety over this ride". Instead I said "I am not sure I want to do this" and "I don't like riding on these streets" and "I hate that hill, I'm never sure I can make it up and I'm scared because of the time I collapsed". H didn't really hear any of these. The day of the ride, I kept trying to talk to him, but he was busy getting things ready and pushed off all my little concerns..until I broke. My anxiety peaked and I started to yell and cry and it was awful. :t: :e:

Then, that evening I read the line that when I'm torturing myself, he just wants to get away from me - and again, I broke. I tried to approach the subject gently, but it ended up bad. I wanted him to know how much it hurts me that when I need him most, when I'm anxious, when I'm being so hard on myself, that those are the times I just need him to be nice to me, just be there, and be nice --- and those are the times where he abandons me, and even creates a boundary in his contract to get away from me.

Crap!

Now, I'm worried he won't finish his contract because he feels that he was trying so hard to do the "right" thing, to finally sit down and write out his healing contract, and look, even that blows up in his face.

So, how do I go forward, and how do I NOT react to these boundaries he sets?


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 7:16 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
It might take some time for couples' to come on board and feel comfortable sharing couple support so I will jump in here for now (others please feel free to contribute also)

re: When I read h's start on his contract (with his permission) one of his boundaries set me off. It's not really a big deal - it is, even, probably a GOOD boundary for him to have. It is, basically, that when I get in my self-berating/self bashing mode, he will stay away from me.

You are right~this is a healthy boundary. It promotes breaking down unhealthy relationship dynamics so that you can create and foster new healthy realtional interactions.

Ok, so you reacted. You made a mistake. (hug) It is not a big deal. This is not an invalidation of your feelings~it just really isn't a big deal~we all make mistakes! Forgive yourself.

Although you take responsibility for your anxiety (good), he could also take responsibility for not listening to you. It does not sound to me like you were being self-defeating (granted, I wasn't in on the actual conversation) but rather voicing a concern. There is a fine line and with practice, he will get better at differentiating between the two.

You could begin a new conversation on the subject with "When you, I feel" statements. These are not blaming but taking responsibity. Perhaps your anxiety was building more from the fact that he didnt' seem to be validating your concern but ignoring you instead and perhaps your fear was he would not be there for you should something actually happen (passing out).


re: Now, I'm worried he won't finish his contract because he feels that he was trying so hard to do the "right" thing, to finally sit down and write out his healing contract, and look, even that blows up in his face.

If he won't finish the contract then he really was trying to hard to do the "right" thing and he wasn't really participating from his own sincere desire to do so. If he takes this position it is a lack of responsibility on his part. You both need to be reponsible for yoursleves in face of whatever reactions the other has. You need to be responsible for your health (you could assert not going on the bike ride, or you could ask him straight up if anything happens will he be there for you~directly ask for the support and validation you are looking for) and he needs to be responsible for his recovery (so what if you blew up at him... it was just a reaction, which you take responsibility for, and he needs to be responsible for himself and keep his course).

You are both in this together ~100% and 100% (your responsibility and his responsibility!)

It will be ok. Be well.


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 10:14 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:36 am
Posts: 162
Coach Mel, thanks for posting. Yes, I'm not perfect, I will make mistakes, thanks.

And, you really hit me when you said: "or you could ask him straight up if anything happens will he be there for you~directly ask for the support and validation you are looking for"
Ahha! there it is, in front of my face! I don't trust him right now, I do NOT expect that if I need him, he will be there - that is what I needed to voice, but I hadn't really put 2 and 2 together to understand my own anxiety enough to communicate it. So, really, thank you!


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 10:36 pm 
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General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
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Do you guys want your couples threads moved over to the self help couple forum?


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PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2009 9:20 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:36 am
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Coach Cheryl, can you grab the posts from my other thread and move them? yes, that would be great - I keep thinking I should do it and then don't! :s:


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PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2009 10:57 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
done it! I created a thread titled "rainrunner and partners' healilng thread" (minus the spelling errors :w: ). I dont' know if you will be able to edit the post so if you want me to include your parnters name in the title of the thread, let me know!

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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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