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PostPosted: Sat Jan 18, 2014 9:51 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello Learningtofly,

Thank you for your pm, I don't often visit this forum as it is much less active. A reminder once in a while never hurts! : )

I would be uncomfortable with her flirting with others, but she brought up what defines flirting. Would something she thinks is innocuous be something I see as flirting.
Quite possibly. And, given that she is biased by her addiction, I would say that her ideas of what constitutes flirting will be clouded by her inclination to want to flirt.

Also, what consequences could there possibly be as I feel as if I am punishing myself if I say something like she should sleep in another room when I don't feel that way. The only thing I can think of is cutting off social media and texting for a period of time (because she constantly interacts with everyone that way), but is that reasonable and, if so, how long.
Boundaries are to protect your values, not to control her behaviour.

What if she doesn't believe me, as per usual, about her being addicted? It is possible that I could be wrong, but so far I haven't been. Is it unreasonable for me to look at whom she is texting/chatting with online while I'm there? I know this bugs her, but it has also been my gauge for the addiction.
Again, you really can’t control her behaviour. Wether she is addicted or not, it sounds like this behaviour violates your values. Monitoring her behaviour is not your job, nor is it a viable solution. It may deter her from texting or chatting in your presence, but won’t necessarily do anything to stop her from doing it when you are not around, or finding ways to get around your surveillance. That said, you have the right to know what is going on, so that you can make appropriate choices for your life, in line with your values. There is a fine line/balance between being the two. Starting with your vision and values will help you to determine what is appropriate for you, and what isn’t.

I love her very much and aside from the love addiction we have a wonderful marriage with most things in common.
This is the catch 22 for many. A conflict between values. It is for you to prioritize those values, and determine which are more important, and what you can do about the conflicts (i.e. what are your realistic and values honouring options). I recommend that you take some time to work on the individual partner’s workshop, because it is designed to take you through these processes.

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

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