Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Nov 17, 2019 4:15 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: PATIENCE
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 2:01 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:36 pm
Posts: 63
I have really been struggling with being patient with my husband and letting him take the time he needs to complete the lesson postings in the couples workshop. It seems that every time I get a little tired and cranky I get really fed up that he hasn't posted his part of the lesson yet. Twice in the past couple of weeks I've been a nag and harangued him about being a procrastinator and not finding the time to post. I sort of feel that if he's truly committed to making this relationship great, he needs to keep demonstrating it by living up to his promises. He's the one who wanted to do the couples workshop after all. And as soon as I'm done, he's contrite and promises to get right to it. Well, he didn't get right to it until the second round of nagging - what's this about? Then I feel terrible, because I'm "trying to manage his recovery". I know he really just hates to write (although he writes well :g: ) and we are otherwise doing great, so i guess i just have to take this as a lesson in patience and faith. I have GOT to stop overreacting about it however - I always feel bad about it after.. :pe:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 5:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:36 am
Posts: 162
Am I right that you two are in the section where you'll do the scavenger hunt, but otherwise work on the individual stuff? If so, I think this is an exercise in both letting go, and in trust.

My h has never posted a word on this site. He may never. However, I did my best to trust that he was doing what he needed to with the lesson information. I haven't always. I have gotten upset about him not posting.

Right now, however, I am at a place where he has been putting forth so much effort in our lives, that posting here seems redundant. Amazing to me to see myself type that, but it's true.

Something else that has helped me is detatching. Yes, even in couples recovery. While our goal together has been a health, fulfilling relationship together, I have also always had my own personal goal of personal health. That goal is mine, and something I do regardless of what my h does.

IME, the feelings I had when my h wasn't posting, were coming from a place where my future depended on his actions. When I was able to separate, and say "I will be healthy, perhaps our relationship will too" good things started happening. On the outside, I looked very apathetic as far as the relationship was concerned. My goal hadn't changed, the effort I put in hadn't changed, but my mindset had - no longer was it my failure if my h didn't post! I don't fail even if the relationship does. That thought really, really freed me.

Try to focus on you, and keep your relationship focus on what YOU can do, not what your h is or isn't doing. Oh, so easy for me to type, was so hard for me to do. Good luck, take care.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 6:00 pm 
Offline
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
the feelings I had when my h wasn't posting, were coming from a place where my future depended on his actions.


:g: So true.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:33 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:36 pm
Posts: 63
Quote from Rainrunner (I haven't figured out how to use the "quote" function):

"Right now, however, I am at a place where he has been putting forth so much effort in our lives, that posting here seems redundant."

Thank you so much RR - it's amazing that when I post here I get the perfect reply that brings me down to earth, quick. You are so right and I needed to hear that! I am so glad that you are at this place too and I hope you continue to be there and that your H stays in that place of making an effort. It's not that I expect him (my H) to be putting forth a visible effort every day - I know that's unrealistic, but I need to keep my head out of the sand and keep the long view and appreciate how far he has come. And to see his progress not in what he posts or writes (which is how I would demonstrate it), but in all the things he does for me and how present he really is now. AND I can't expect him to be present every minute or when I want him to be because he has his down and tired days too.

Thank you again RR for your words of wisdom and insight - you are an amazing, strong woman, like os many of the women here. I take great comfort in your words and presence on this board even though I don't post very frequently (hmmmm - now that's interesting :pe: )


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 6:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:11 pm
Posts: 98
I just wanted to thank all of you for this thread, as I have been struggling with some of the same impatience about my husband's procrastinating at times when it is his "turn" to post his lesson response.....

I know for me, the intensity of my emotional response about this periodic procrastination is often out of proportion because it becomes equated with old hurts from the SA in the past and the still unhealed part of me (despite my sense that he is really fully in recovery at this point) that still is asking "can I deeply trust him again with my heart?"

I really liked what you wrote, Rainrunner, when you said:

" When I was able to separate, and say "I will be healthy, perhaps our relationship will too" good things started happening.... no longer was it my failure if my h didn't post! I don't fail even if the relationship does. That thought really, really freed me. "

I am going to try to re-cultivate that spacious acceptance of what is.... and focus on what we do have, really just be with it, but not pushing to control it or make it happen "my way." Not to say I can't articulate my feelings, needs, values, etc.... but I see how just that shift in perspective will really help me to not get caught in that over-reaction space as easily.

Thanks again to all of you for reminding me about this separation,

Sophie


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group