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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 9:18 pm 
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Lesson 17 Exercise:

"I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behavior. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behavior."

In the course of working through this lesson I saw/realized some things that stunned me.

I had a very difficult time getting started in the first place, not so much because of what the lesson was asking me to do, but in picking just what behavior to dismantle. I started with my love addictions behaviors, since they are the most important ones to sort out for myself right now, but that is a little daunting, there are so many parts to examine. I then shifted to my pornography/fantasy/masturbation behaviors, but I have not revisited any of them for well over a year now, I have been REALLY tempted on several occasions, but have managed to stop the thoughts, redirect them and move through and on past, difficult at first but not so much anymore. This left my scanning/objectifying/sexualizing as a major issue, although lately I have been doing better with those too.

I reflected on all of these changes and saw several things that I didn’t realize (or want to see….?) before. I don’t drive much anymore (a very boring story) so going anywhere has my wife driving almost exclusively, giving me time to keep myself aware and watchful. I went through a period where I would stare at the dash or the floor, or just close my eyes to AVOID scanning, a knee-jerk reaction at best, but it worked, or so I though. While working through other things it has become glaringly obvious to me (my wife knew this a looooong time ago and tried to tell me but I didn’t want to hear it) that ALL of my senses are far more sensitive and I am far more aware that I believed (or wanted to admit to?). So when I had my eyes diverted or closed, my other senses would “kick-in” to provide the information/stimulation (the FIX) that I was looking for. I could hear what was going on around me, the voices (sorted by sex and age of course), the aromas indication all kinds of things (for instance, going by a lake and smelling gasoline fumes connected with hearing a boat motor, four-wheeler, motorcycle or whatever) connected with feeling the hot sun and knowing that we are going by a beach/resort area, scantily clad women of all ages, well I think you get the idea. No particular need for visual stimulation, imagination can handle it all.

So, as it turns out, being able to see someone has very little to do with the potential “cookie”, for me at least.

Then of course the danger/adrenalin-rush factors comes into play, would I get caught by my wife even though I wasn’t actually looking? And of course the suspense of would I be able to “get my fix” or not?

A sense of accomplishment accompanied it all, success or failure, busted or not along with a feeling of power over myself and the situation, TOTALLY false, but there just the same.

The past plays into EVERY facet of the whole mess, I’ve been doing this shit for decades, evolving the processes and ingraining the behaviors to avoid dealing with my emotions and life in general as it happens.

I hadn’t seriously considered poly-addictions as part of all of this, even though I’ve been through this particular lesson several times. I have used food (and starvation), tobacco, marijuana and, for a brief time, alcohol as physical pieces of my poly-addiction “puzzle”. I have also used fantasy and pornography, but by far the worst, “love” as non-physical pieces of my poly-addiction “puzzle”.

Then I FINALLY realized something that rocked me back on my heals, something I have seen here on RN over and over but didn’t REALLY connect to:

ALL of these things are, in fact, neutral in and of themselves and only have what power and influence that I ALLOW them to have over myself and my lives, period.

“So simple it plumb evaded me” to paraphrase Jimmy Buffet ;-)

All of the various facets of sensory stimulation for example, are there in me, but I have to CHOOSE to allow them the necessary influence on my addiction to get the stimulation or “fix”. I have to CHOOSE to sense them in ways that direct me to acting out in whatever manner it happens to be.

What is even more telling for me is that I have been having some real success with not scanning/objectifying/sexualizing in the grocery stores, a place of MAJOR terror for me because of all of the people/opportunities for scanning/acting out. Granted, I have been in at times of low traffic both intentionally and inadvertently, and I’m sure that has a lot to do with my success, but still, it has gone OK. Where this is going is that I can see that the same feelings of danger, suspense, accomplishment, power and control are there when I succeed as when I acted out before (possibly just a tiny bit stronger…?) which sort of blew me away.

I’m not quite sure how the past plays into this yet, I’m still working that out, but, oddly enough, I can see that the feelings from values-based decisions, values-based behaviors and possibly values-based acting-out (is there such a thing???) could be, for me, poly-addictions too, although of a different type.

And yes, I intentionally did NOT mention orgasm; it has played very little part in my addictive behaviors for a long time, it just wasn’t necessary very often, and easily ignored (except for the pornography/masturbation obviously, but again that has not been part of my behaviors for a long time and wasn’t that big a part before). Love addiction does NOT require orgasm, in fact it tends to get in the way, at least for me.

OK, I’ve ranted enough. I’m not sure just how pertinent to the lesson this actually is, but it IS what I sorted through while working out this lesson.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:02 am 
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Once again this one was difficult to get started. I went through several different rituals and tried to get started but kept getting hung up. I finally (with my wife's help) took this, one of my most destructive behaviors and "ran" with it.

This is rather chaotic, but it is how this ritual works and I can see where time, intensity and habituation all come into play to different degrees at different points.

Lesson 18:

II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) has come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.

Ritual: Love addiction

It starts out with a female showing me a little attention/care/friendliness etc.; nothing special or out of the ordinary, just normal human-being-to-human-being consideration and/or kindness, often as part of their job. I will take it and run with it from there.

I generally pick women of a particular kind, having issues with men (bad relationships etc.) along with low self-esteem and low self-worth, but also nurturing and strong deep down.

I am a “fixer” so I will “come riding in on my white horse” to rescue/fix them and “save the day”, just like the classic superman did.

With the exception of my wives, sex never played a part in this.

Time enters into this in the sense that the longer these “relationships” went on the more “intense” and romantically “satisfying” they were inside my head, not in reality.

But only to a point.

All of these “relationships” existed only in my imagination, not in reality. After some time went by, sometimes a little, sometimes longer, I would start to slip out of the “knight in shining armor” persona as I couldn’t keep the act going, it was to exhausting. I would also inevitably realize that I could not “fix” them because they didn’t really need my help at all, they were strong on their own. I would also become angry and resentful for continually “giving” and never “receiving” even though I did it willingly. Very selfish and hypocritical.

This was habituation setting in.

At that point I would “disengage” and start the process over again.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2014 9:01 pm 
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Lesson 21 Exercise:
A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

I’ve looked deeply into this for a while, several months at the least, and it all comes back to the same place, I’ve never had any major goals of my own, ever. I thought that going to collage to become a physician was one, but it was what I felt I was “supposed” to do, NOT what I wanted to do. I have always found it MUCH easier to “follow the path of least resistance”, or coast along lazily, not challenging myself and actively avoiding most of the challenges that presented themselves, or at best, half-assing them.
Why should I risk trying and failing, or much worse, trying and succeeding? If I fail, I will feel horrible, but I can use my addiction to “help” so the occasional failure is at least tolerable. If I should succeed however, then what? Then the whole “foundation” of my life (my addiction) comes into question and I can NOT allow the can I?

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you
suppose you were able to succeed?

As I mentioned above, none, success could NOT be allowed. Where I did semi-succeed, it was more a matter of coasting into the right place at the right time then anything else.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

To be able to sleep (as in be physically close and sleep NOT as in physically intimate) in the same bed as my wife again.
This will require:
a. Continuing to be honest with her about my scanning and ANY other acting out I do, good or bad;
b. Continuing to communicate with her about HER feelings, bad and good;
c. Continue to listen and try to understand how she feels, why and understand that there is usually NOTHING I can do to “fix” it, she has to;
d. Continuing to communicate with her about my feelings, bad or good and understand, as best I can, that feeling and knowing the feelings is the best I can do at least for now;
e. Continuing to be as hyper-aware as I possibly can at all times so as to know how I feel and why, even when it hurts and I know her reaction will not be “pleasant”;

Once again, I believe that this is at least close to what the lesson was driving at. I’m back to work at a “new old” job (with one of my former employers) but things are different this time around. The last several years recognizing, learning about and dealing with my addictions have, if nothing else, humbled me and given me a better understanding of myself, my wife and those around me, but I have light years still to go. I struggle with my addictions daily, hourly some days, even minute by minute. I can see that this will be an ongoing struggle for a while, but it WILL get better, that I can also see, finally.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2014 10:04 pm 
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Lesson: 23

“In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery. Don't just copy the headings of this lesson, take a minute to see how you can practically use this information in YOUR life.”

I am a “numbers” person; I deal with numbers in various forms and have for many years in my chosen “profession”. I have never dealt well with things that were not “concrete”, like emotions (at least those that were not “happy”), behaviors (negative), personalities (particular types), loss/grief (in pretty much ANY form) and other less definable or less measurable things.

The ability to actually measure, to put numbers (even if relative) to these behaviors and their pieces has been a REAL eye-opener, at least for me.

I know that one of my HUGE issues is getting bored, VERY easily, which has lead me to some BAD places in real life, on-line and inside my head. Boredom is a kind of gateway leaving me open to acting out in many ways, pornography, masturbation, fantasy, love affairs, eating, smoking, self-pity…..

I can use these “numerical” tools to help me evaluate what is actually happening, where the stimulation is coming from and going to. If I can learn to stop for just a few seconds before I walk into the ritual and evaluate, I can, eventually pull the ritual away into a healthier direction.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 5:57 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
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Hey young man
I am 63.5 and was broken
:s:
Quote:
It’s been some time since I’ve posted here in my recovery thread. I have been here, studying the lessons and reading in the community forum. I tend to stay away from the recovery forum since, in the past, I have read things in there, “adopted” them as my own and used them to “prove” I was in recovery when I was NOT.


what have you got to lose?
an addiction
is that addiction your friend?

Quote:
I didn’t want to REALLY face my behaviors before, don’t want to now, but I’m not allowing myself to opt out anymore.


prove it , we both know that you can , but do you want to?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:07 am 
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First, THANK YOU Coach Kenzo!!

I truly appreciate your “no sugar coating” comments and advice; it helps keep me “here and now”, not “somewhere out there” ;-)

Yes, what I have to lose are my addictions, the ways I have chosen to cope with my life that do NOT work for me anymore, never really did.

Do I want to….yes.

Lesson 24:

1. Scanning:
A. Control ~ I “control” the situation, no one else;
B. Power ~ I have the power/ability to stop or continue, no one else
C. Sensory ~ Mostly visual, occasionally sound, rarely touch, very rarely smell;
D. Accomplishment;
E. Fantasy ~ not much anymore, I usually stop it before it gets that far;
F. Relief ~ THIS is the BIG one, short-term relief from whatever is causing my immediate stress;

2. Overeating:
A. Control ~ Again I “control” the situation, no one else;
B. Power ~ I have the power/ability to stop or continue, no one else;
C. Sensory ~ Mostly taste and smell, some visual and touch;
D. Past ~ I’ve used this as a “secondary” addiction for MANY years;
E. Accomplishment ~ I have eaten some/all of whatever;
F. Relief ~ Again, the BIG one, I have gained some short-term relief from whatever was “stressing me out”;

3. Falling in “love”:
A. Past ~ My continued feelings of abandonment and loneliness from early childhood drive most of this part of my addictions;
B. Control ~ Once again, I “control” the situation, no one else;
C. Power ~ Again, only I have all the power/ability to stop or continue;
D. Sensory ~ All of the senses are involved to one degree or another, except taste;
E. Fantasy ~ How things could be “perfect”, not like the other times;
F. Accomplishment ~ Deluded sense of “I did it”;
G. Relief ~ Whatever stresses – usually normal daily life – I was trying to cover up/ignore/make go away are TEMPORARILY relieved, usually to return much worse.

4. Being someone/something I am NOT:
A. Past ~ Feelings of inadequacy from early childhood are temporarily quieted;
B. Fantasy ~ I “am” someone/something that “people” will like/admire/respect/love instead of who/what I perceive myself to be;
C. Control ~ I “control” the situation, pretend to be whatever I perceive the situation “requires” me to be, good or bad, inside my head;
D. Power ~ I and only I have the power to continue/stop the pretending;
E. Accomplishment ~ I have managed to fool someone or several someones into believing I am something I am NOT;
F. Relief ~ Once again, whatever stresses – usually normal daily life – I was trying to cover up/ignore/make go away are TEMPORARILY relieved, usually to return much worse.

Distinct patterns are “emerging” here.

Control is something I crave, I do NOT feel in control of myself or my life and haven’t for as long as I can remember. Power is somewhat the same; having control gives me the power to continue or stop, by MY choice, I am not at the mercy of someone/something else or to chance, or fate.

I CONTINUE to look to the past to manage my life, even though it has proven over and over NOT to work.

I AM just a syndrome.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2014 6:23 pm 
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Posts: 3893
Location: UK
hey 62
you are doing it for you
:w: :g:

stay with it

so now no more bull shit
next lesson please

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 11:55 pm 
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Posts: 246
Lesson 25:

I was eleven years old my dad and I had moved to town from the house that my mother had died in. A young friend of my father’s had moved into the spare bedroom that my grandmother had left when she went home. He was a young (mid-20’s), single, and apparently very eligible bachelor. He was out late a lot and, since my father was always working, I was home unattended after school and on weekends a lot. Being bored and curious, I decided to explore his room one afternoon while he and dad were gone, just to see what there was to see. I discovered some magazines, what passed for playboy-style “soft-core” pornography. I had no real clue what the images were all about ( I was only eleven) but I knew that somehow they looked good in some not-yet-understood way. I got a VERY good feeling from looking at the slick images and wondering/imagining the “hidden” parts (this was 1962-ish, VERY mild by today’s standards). I remember hearing either our boarder or my dad coming in so I retreated to my room quickly, but I knew that this felt REALLY, REALLY good somehow and that I would go back and explore more when I could.

And I did, over and over and over again. I learned where he kept all of his magazines, and soon figured out when the new issues came out so I could anticipate their arrival.

It was several years later, after he moved out and my dad passed away, that I discovered masturbation, and what the “hidden” parts were all about, but I continued to “find” the magazines and the pictures.

Compulsive Ritual: Pornography

1. Bored; BEGINNING OF THE RITUAL
2. Lonely;
3. Curious;
4. Left alone;
5. Felt like exploring a “forbidden” place;
6. Found the magazines;
7. Looked at the pictures;
8. Wondered about the “parts unseen”
9. Felt VERY pleasurable feelings;
10. Didn’t understand the feelings but wanted more; POINT OF NO RETURN
11. Felt it was “wrong” somehow, but didn’t understand how;
12. It felt too good, didn’t care if it was wrong;
13. Looked for opportunities to sneak into the room to find old and new magazines;
14. Learned to masturbate;
15. Learned to “connect the dots” to the pictures and to my imagination; END/BEGINNING

I realize that there were a LOT of other issues involved in the development of my sex and love addictions, but I can also now see how this group of elements, many of which are harmless in and of themselves, connected into a ritual that, with minor variations, became a chain that has been with me for so very, very long.

I haven't been here in a while, long while. I'd like to say that life got in the way and I've been so busy, but that would be complete BULLSHIT. The fact is that I have been avoiding this and the lessons. I haven't quite sorted out why yet, but that is the bottom line.

Thank you.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:58 pm 
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Lesson 26:

Element 1: I feel depressed (or anxious, or angry, or happy or…):

Element 2: I find a way to be near my wife (sitting for a meal, sitting for a few minutes to visit, helping her load/unload groceries….):

Element 3: Look at her face and tell myself that is ALL I am going to allow myself to look at;

Element 4: Chat with her, all the while arguing with myself about looking with lust’;

Element 5: Finally tell myself “It’s OK, you are married”, knowing that it is NOT OK;

Element 6: Look down over her body as subtly as possible, and imagine;

Element 7: Get my “fix” to momentarily feel better, good, or at least less bad.

This will vary widely depending on the situation, like riding in the truck to get groceries (she drives most of the time) working outside in the yard, walking up the steps to our porch, etc.

This happens with less frequency now, but it still happens, far too often. The saddest part is that I have denied and lied so much to her that there is VERY little trust anymore so even when I’m NOT doing this, I’m doing this.

The point of beginning seems to be that I’m in a constant state of emotional turmoil and have been for as long as I can remember. I keep myself in this constant state of turmoil to give me justification for my addictive behaviors. So there is no specific point of beginning.

The point of no return is when I hit that “It’s OK your married” point of justification, even though I KNOW that it is NOT OK.

The point of ending is when I “realize” what I’ve done, again, and promise myself that I will stop.

Of course I get caught more often than not by my wife, duh.

My ability to recognize it when it’s happening and admit/disclose it to my wife is getting much better, but I still have a loooooooong way to go.

For her part, she is just observing as difficult as that must be.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 1:39 pm 
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Hello,

I am 19 and I read your first lesson. I know what you are going through. I have ruined so many friendships because of this cancer. I have been stuck here as long as you, but I know how you feel. You are not a bad person. I can tell because of how much you desire change. I really hope this is the time that happens for you. I am in the stands rooting for you.

Cadmus


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 5:18 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hi 62

some good work and openess
Quote:
The saddest part is that I have denied and lied so much to her that there is VERY little trust anymore so even when I’m NOT doing this, I’m doing this.


that I am afraid is the brush that we tarred ourselves with
we lied
to protect ourselves and what is the reality?
it comes back right back
IMO you are doing OK, yes you hurt but her pain is real to and she did not bring it upon herself
put the frustration the guilt and the pain to one side for a while, dont deny it learn to own it, but concentrate on your recovery
Cadmus
the same comment to you
concentrate on your recovery
posting in others threads is left to coaches and mentors
no need to worry no harm done but concentrate on your recovery

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 10:58 pm 
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Posts: 246
Thank you Cadmus for the encouragement, it is VERY much appreciated!

Thank you Kenzo, for the help, comments and encouragement. I know we are both walking in the same direction, just on different, but parallel, paths.

Lesson 27:

The first one below is not as back-to-back as it sounds; the different rituals overlap each other drastically and repeatedly.

1. My wife vents her anger and frustration; I feel beat up, angry, resentful towards her and myself; I lash out at her with anger and justifications; she is more hurt, angry, resentful and frustrated; I cry, apologize and feel even more sad; the cycle repeats.

This feeds my guilt and shame, justifies my anger and resentment and I give myself “permission” to feel even more guilty and ashamed not allowing myself to set that aside for the time necessary to really start to heal.

This one is a very common chain of rituals for me.

2. I get up on a normal work morning and prepare for work, wondering if it will be quiet or not; my wife tries to remind me (NOT beat me up usually, just remind me) to pay attention to myself and what I’m doing/thinking over the course of the day; I take it the wrong way, intentionally (so I can use it to fuel my anger and resentment); I leave for work felling VERY self-righteous, indignant, hurt and hopeless; I talk to my wife on the cell-phone all the way to work (2+ hour drive) mostly about nothing, but my anger and resentment along with her hurt and distrust are silently screaming “justifying my feeling even more guilty and ashamed; this allows me to feel hopeless, and then when I do manage to get to work without scanning/objectifying/sexualizing ( I work extremely hard on this) I feel self-righteously justified, let my guard down and catch myself just in time, but still wanting to look.

I use my negative feeling to feed on themselves and, once magnified enough, to beat myself into submission and hopelessness so I don’t allow myself to recover anywhere near as effectively as I actually could if I would temporarily disregard my own negativity.

My addictions allowed me to, if not feel good, at least not feel as bad, useless, lonely and unworthy.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2014 9:58 pm 
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Lesson 28:

Compulsive chain:

Got up early to take care of dogs so my wife could sleep in, felt angry and resentful because I was tired;
The anger and resentfulness “set me up” emotionally for the rest of the chain (point of beginning). Any number of things could be added here, fantasizing (sexual or self-righteous justification, etc.), masturbation, remembering past events that either made me feel good or bad, and so forth. I think holding and magnifying the anger and resentment is the most effective for me;

“Cycled” dogs while dozing, fighting to keep fantasy’s out of my head;
Let the fantasy’s “run wild”, remember my favorite pornographic “videos”, remember my favorite times of making love to my wife, feel some self-righteous satisfaction for not letting myself “go”;

Finally gave up and got a cup of coffee, decided to read to keep relieve my boredom and pass time until my wife got up;
Not read, just sit and “think” my way to fantasizing, masturbate;

Thought about making breakfast, but, still angry and resentful, didn’t since I “didn’t want to”;
Let the anger and resentment build up to feeling “justified” in fantasizing, “remembering” although just letting the anger/resentment build seems the most effective for me;

Started to think/fantasize about making love to my wife, but stopped myself with some difficulty;
Let myself go with the fantasy, she is my wife after all; feel self-righteous satisfaction for not letting myself “go”; masturbate;

Rearranged my chair so I couldn’t look right at the bedroom door and see her when she “poked” herself out and look/sexualize/objectify her;
Just left my chair where is usually is telling myself it doesn’t matter, I won’t look, listen closely so I can hear when she is up and approaching the door, anticipate what she will look like when she opens the door;

She got up and we started to make breakfast, fought hard to not LOOK at her;
Look;

Sat down to eat and scanned her chest several times while we talked.

Anger and resentment are the “cause”, modifiers and “justifiers” of most, if not all, of my acting out behaviors. I am angry both at the world for “mistreating” me, and myself for my BAD choices and their consequences, especially for my wife.

I do see that the anger and resentment are more and more quickly turning into guilt, shame and sadness. I KNOW that I am supposed to set the guilt and shame aside for now, but I look into my wife’s eyes every day and see all of the anger, pain, distrust and sadness there staring back at me.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:48 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hey young man :w:
Quote:
I look into my wife’s eyes every day and see all of the anger, pain, distrust and sadness there staring back at me.


she is the way that you turned her to see
however have you asked her what she sees and feels
come on the what is done is done but it cannot simply be forgotten
she has her pain you have your guilt, eventually these will become less intense
that does not mean that you will necessarily be together but the chances of this increase if you demonstrate truth intimacy empathy and love

please dont pass any blame onto her and dont assume anything particularly on her behalf

finally
when are you posting your next lesson?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 10:47 pm 
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Quote:
"Kenzo" Hey young man :w:

she is the way that you turned her to see
however have you asked her what she sees and feels


No need to ask her, none at all.

Quote:
come on the what is done is done but it cannot simply be forgotten
she has her pain you have your guilt, eventually these will become less intense
that does not mean that you will necessarily be together but the chances of this increase if you demonstrate truth intimacy empathy and love


I continue to work on ALL of these, minute by minute by day by day, sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not so much.

Quote:
please dont pass any blame onto her and dont assume anything particularly on her behalf


She deserves NO blame in this, absolutely NONE. I do not blame her for any of what has happened, it is ALL due to MY choices, not hers.

I do not allow myself to assume much of anything about anyone anymore.

Quote:
finally
when are you posting your next lesson?


See below!!!

THANK YOU Coach Kenzo!!!!!


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