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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 10:54 pm 
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Posts: 246
Lesson 31 Exercise:
In learning to effectively manage your life (e.g. maintain relative emotional balance), it is important to develop an ongoing awareness of where the majority of your energy is being exhausted and where it is being derived. In your Personal Recovery Thread:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate
“High” points of this last week (and most weeks really):

1). Relationship with my Wife ~ extreme. Some days it’s not so bad, others it REALLY SUCKS. I, like all of us, face the consequences of both my value-based and addiction-based choices daily and I feel ready to snap sometimes, again, like all of us;

2). My job ~ extreme. I work in an office of three, myself and two women, the office specialist and the boss. Given the nature of my love addiction, this, even when one or both are out of the office, has me guarding against any kind of acting-out or even stray thoughts;

3). My job – the commute ~ severe. I have a two-hour drive each way for my job. This is necessary right now, my field is rather “specialized” so jobs are few and far between. I drive both through low-population farm land (not much traffic, little chance to scan) and high density urban areas (lots of traffic, lots of opportunities to scan) so keeping myself in check sometimes is difficult, not impossible, but difficult.

4). Our general financial mess ~ somewhere between severe and moderate. We spent over a year with me unemployed. We may or may not ever get caught up.

5) Various family issues ~ between extreme and severe. One granddaughter with very few months to live, a son and daughter-in-law that have decided that we aren’t good enough for them or our grandchildren (including the twins about to be born), a son who is an alcoholic, both a son and a daughter that are extreme workaholics, etc., etc.

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

“No, no, a thousand times NO!!!!!” On reflection I cans see NO pattern of pursuit of my highest prioritized values, NONE.

What the hell happened to me????

I let “life get in the way” which is just another way for me to conveniently ignore my values and struggle on trying to “white knuckle” my way along.

NOT WORKING.

I am squandering my entire “energy budget” (and then some) trying to deal with day-to-day life and (intentionally???) leave nothing for anything else.

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

No, I do NOT see this pattern in my life.

I’m not even sure how to define “quality of life” other then maybe “NOT stressed out far, far beyond my limits”.

One HUGE lesson that I have taken to heart is that I can only fix ME, no one else, no matter how hard I try, and GOD knows I have tried instead of fixing myself.

Maybe that is what quality of life is, working on yourself and NOT everyone/anyone else??


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2014 6:35 pm 
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hi62
[quote]One HUGE lesson that I have taken to heart is that I can only fix ME, no one else, no matter how hard I try, and GOD knows I have tried instead of fixing myself.

Maybe that is what quality of life is, working on yourself and NOT everyone/anyone else??[/quote
do you need to fix you? do you need fixing?
sounds to an old engineer like "lets keep it going "
My suggestion is a re build
dont simply think about fixing your problems and issues, you can change you, the way you think the way that you react to everyday situations

RN teaches that addiction pushes us towards making our everyday decisions based on our emotions
emotions that we we know are cyclic and finite
recovery changes us to allow us to make our everyday decisions based on values
values that in our addictive immaturity we did not develop or perhaps suppressed
you are doing OK , believe in you I do

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 6:35 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Lesson 32 Exercise:
1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.

Value: Honesty:
Daily check-in
~With myself
~ Was I completely honest with myself today?
If not what happened and why?
~With my Wife
~ Was I completely honest with my Wife today?
If not did I acknowledge it to her?
If not what happened and why?
~With others I have any contact with
~ Was I completely honest with others today?
If not did I acknowledge it to him/her?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Genuiness – being my real self as I understand myself to be at this point:
Daily check-in
~Was I genuine with myself today?
If not did I acknowledge it to myself?
What happened and why?
~ Was I genuine with my Wife today?
If not did I acknowledge it to her?
What happened and why?
~Was I genuine with whoever I had contact with today?
If not did I acknowledge it to him/her?
What happened and why?

Value: Loving:
Daily check-in:
~ Did I show myself love today in some way?
If so how?
If not, what happened?
~ Did I show my Wife love today in some way?
If so how?
If not why?

Value: Understanding;
Daily check-in:
~ Was I understanding (not excusing) with myself today?
If so how?
If not why/what happened?
~ Was I understanding with my wife today?
If so how?
If not, why and what happened?
~Was I understanding with others that I had contact with today?
If so how?
In not why?

Value: Supportive:
Daily check-in
~ Was I supportive of myself today?
If so in what way(s)?
If not what happened and why?
~Was I supportive of my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?
~ Was I supportive of someone else today?
If so how?
If not, what happened and why?

Value: Forgiveness;
Daily check-in
~ Did I show myself forgiveness today?
If so what happened?
If not what happened and why not?
~ Did I show my Wife forgiveness today?
If so how and what happened?
If not why and what happened?
~ Did I show forgiveness of someone else today?
If so what happened?
If not why and what happened?

Value: Emotionally Intimate:
Daily check-in
~Was I emotionally intimate (vulnerable) with my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Physically Intimate (includes cuddling, snuggling and generic touching not just sex):
Daily check-in
~ Was I physically intimate with my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Fair (as in just and/or impartial):
Daily check-in
~ Was I fair to myself today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why not?
~ Was I fair with my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why not?
~ Was I fair with others that I was in contact with today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why not?

Value: Precise (as in saying what I mean and meaning what I say, sincere):
Daily check-in
~ Was I precise in my speaking to my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?
~ Was I precise in my speaking to others today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Creative:
Daily check-in
~ Did I do something creative today for myself, or my Wife or others?
If so, what?
If not why?

Value: Realistic Fair and precise cover this.

Value: Humorous:
Daily check-in
~ Did I find something in myself to laugh at today?
If so what?
If not what happened?

Value: Content:
Daily check-in
~ Was I content with myself/my life today?
If not, what happened?

Value: Playful:
Daily check-in
~ Did I find some way to play just a little today, by myself or with others?
If so how?
If not, what happened and why not?

Well, there they are…..

I have made VERY small amounts of progress on all of these, but not very much. I made these action plans back on May 28 of this year. After making them, I paid close attention to them, for about a week. Then I finally found employment and got wrapped up in that. No, I used that as an excuse not to. Then a new, better job came along that required a 2+ hour each way daily commute and I was “to tired” when I got home, again just an excuse.

Are excuses and denial just slightly different aspects of the same thing? Yeah I think so, at least in my case.


2. Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed.

They don’t really need updating yet; I need to start actually USING them before considering if they need updating.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 6:45 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Quote:
One HUGE lesson that I have taken to heart is that I can only fix ME, no one else, no matter how hard I try, and GOD knows I have tried instead of fixing myself.

Maybe that is what quality of life is, working on yourself and NOT everyone/anyone else??[/quote
do you need to fix you? do you need fixing?
sounds to an old engineer like "lets keep it going "
My suggestion is a re build
dont simply think about fixing your problems and issues, you can change you, the way you think the way that you react to everyday situations

RN teaches that addiction pushes us towards making our everyday decisions based on our emotions
emotions that we we know are cyclic and finite
recovery changes us to allow us to make our everyday decisions based on values
values that in our addictive immaturity we did not develop or perhaps suppressed
you are doing OK , believe in you I do


Thank you Coach Kenzo.

My Wife believes in me, you believe in me but believing in myself has never been one of my "strong points".


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 7:41 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
62
Quote:
My Wife believes in me, you believe in me but believing in myself has never been one of my "strong points".

quite normal for an addict
we dont believe because we let ourselves down and in doing so we hurt those that we love

that is why you are here
you want change and you will have change
believe

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2014 11:42 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Quote:

"My Wife believes in me, you believe in me but believing in myself has never been one of my 'strong points'."

quite normal for an addict
we dont believe because we let ourselves down and in doing so we hurt those that we love

that is why you are here
you want change and you will have change
believe


Once again,
THANK YOU!!!!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2014 11:43 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Lesson 33 Observations Day 1:

Before getting up ~ restless, irritated, angry, lonely

At breakfast ~ lonely, sad, angry, attacked

1-ish ~ bored, tired, sad

6:30-ish ~ sad, empty, melancholy

8:30-ish ~ relaxed, content, tired.

My day seemed to start with mild anger (irritation), moderate anger and full-blown anger (from feeling attacked). I know I feed all of this crap back to my Wife. It’s amazing to me how seldom she responds in kind. Not a good way to begin.

Loneliness was there at the beginning and followed me through most of the day as did sadness and melancholy. How I can feel so damned lonely with my Wife right there??? Again, not a good way to begin or go through my day.

This evening, I felt good talking with and just being with my Wife as well as watching and playing with our babies (Boxers).

It seems that I set myself up for a day full of shit first thing.

WTF??????


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2014 12:10 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
11-10-2014

Awaken before getting up ~ angry, guilty, ashamed

Got up ~ irritated, melancholy, empty

At work ~ apprehensive, empty, bored

Driving home ~ content, mildly happy, anticipatory of seeing my Wife

After I got home ~ mildly excited, irritated with my lack of patience and ego

Wife woke me up, not sure when, and I’m not sure why, but I am sure it was because of something I did (or didn’t do), told me in no uncertain terms to roll over away from her. I’ve had a lot of issues with “sex” dreams even though I VERY RARELY remember anything about them……

I got up later, not sure how much later, and was irritated about getting woke up, melancholy (versus full-blown sad) and feeling rather empty.

I drove to work and worked very hard at letting all of the “stuff” from last night/this morning go and not give myself any excuses to scan/act out.

My whole day was mundane and boring, and I was apprehensive for some reason that I haven’t been able to figure out, yet. Maybe I was trying to set myself up…?

I left work and headed home, feeling rather content and mildly, not full-blown, happy, not a bad day. I was looking forward to seeing my Wife and our “babies”.

She was having computer “issues” and I was trying to help over the cell-phone (that REALLY sucks) and got a little irritated several times. I had to remind myself that she is VERY technically savvy so several of the suggestions I had were stuff that she had obviously already tried. My ego tried to get the upper hand, but for once I managed to keep myself in check!!!

Not sure right now how the rest of the evening will go.

Once again I can see the same pattern here, waking up feeling (insert negative feeling here) that gets me “set-up” for the morning at least, if not the whole day.

So what I am doing is “making” myself feel bad in some fashion so I can “fall back” on my addictive behavior, because I have NOT done the background work yet on my values and proactive action plans…..

(As above)

WTF????


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2014 9:29 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Lesson 34 Exercise:
Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:

Pretty much my entire life from about 6 on.

When my parents passed away they left me with a hefty inheritance. Once I got that I went through an orgy of indulgence and self-gratification, cars, electronics, “loose” women and ….. It all culminated in my first marriage, another “love of my life” in a string of them. It lasted for five years, until after the self-gratification emptied and the reality of the situation became obvious. It quit being “fun” (possibly for both of us certainly for me) and ended unpleasantly.


B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

I can feel my pulse in my entire body pounding; there is an almost physical pulling on my head/eyes to look then chase the fantasy. It’s difficult to concentrate on anything but forcing myself to walk away. I feel the same way when driving through moderate to heavy traffic or being in groups of people even if I know them. I’ve been anxious like this for too many years to count, since my parents passed away, probably even before.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

It’s trance-like in the sense that it just seems to show up, seemingly out of nowhere, like I’m observing from the outside looking in, like watching a movie. Everything else is gone except for the “switch” to redirect the train.

I’ve had some success over the last several months is seeing/feeling this coming, especially where I am and the places most likely to present problems. I guess that is the “switch” to redirect the train?


D. Share these insights in your recovery thread.

Not sure how “from the outside looking in” correlates to my lifelong problem with NOT wanting to feel any kind of negative emotions; selectively shutting everything off momentarily must have grown out of trying to defend myself early in my life by shutting off all negative feelings that I didn’t know how to deal with.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2014 9:59 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Lesson 35

Health Monitoring II

OK, I have to put this on a short "hold"(two weeks +/-)..... again. Complacency and laziness got the upper had in me.....again.

Or maybe, I am holding back on this....again??


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 7:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
hey kiddo :s:
Quote:
Health Monitoring II

OK, I have to put this on a short "hold"(two weeks +/-)..... again.


why?
big mistake if you do
Quote:
Value: Honesty:
Daily check-in
~With myself
~ Was I completely honest with myself today?
If not what happened and why?
~With my Wife
~ Was I completely honest with my Wife today?
If not did I acknowledge it to her?
If not what happened and why?
~With others I have any contact with
~ Was I completely honest with others today?
If not did I acknowledge it to him/her?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Genuiness – being my real self as I understand myself to be at this point:
Daily check-in
~Was I genuine with myself today?
If not did I acknowledge it to myself?
What happened and why?
~ Was I genuine with my Wife today?
If not did I acknowledge it to her?
What happened and why?
~Was I genuine with whoever I had contact with today?
If not did I acknowledge it to him/her?
What happened and why?

Value: Loving:
Daily check-in:
~ Did I show myself love today in some way?
If so how?
If not, what happened?
~ Did I show my Wife love today in some way?
If so how?
If not why?

Value: Understanding;
Daily check-in:
~ Was I understanding (not excusing) with myself today?
If so how?
If not why/what happened?
~ Was I understanding with my wife today?
If so how?
If not, why and what happened?
~Was I understanding with others that I had contact with today?
If so how?
In not why?

Value: Supportive:
Daily check-in
~ Was I supportive of myself today?
If so in what way(s)?
If not what happened and why?
~Was I supportive of my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?
~ Was I supportive of someone else today?
If so how?
If not, what happened and why?

Value: Forgiveness;
Daily check-in
~ Did I show myself forgiveness today?
If so what happened?
If not what happened and why not?
~ Did I show my Wife forgiveness today?
If so how and what happened?
If not why and what happened?
~ Did I show forgiveness of someone else today?
If so what happened?
If not why and what happened?

Value: Emotionally Intimate:
Daily check-in
~Was I emotionally intimate (vulnerable) with my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Physically Intimate (includes cuddling, snuggling and generic touching not just sex):
Daily check-in
~ Was I physically intimate with my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Fair (as in just and/or impartial):
Daily check-in
~ Was I fair to myself today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why not?
~ Was I fair with my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why not?
~ Was I fair with others that I was in contact with today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why not?

Value: Precise (as in saying what I mean and meaning what I say, sincere):
Daily check-in
~ Was I precise in my speaking to my Wife today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?
~ Was I precise in my speaking to others today?
If so how?
If not what happened and why?

Value: Creative:
Daily check-in
~ Did I do something creative today for myself, or my Wife or others?
If so, what?
If not why?

Value: Realistic Fair and precise cover this.

Value: Humorous:
Daily check-in
~ Did I find something in myself to laugh at today?
If so what?
If not what happened?

Value: Content:
Daily check-in
~ Was I content with myself/my life today?
If not, what happened?

Value: Playful:
Daily check-in
~ Did I find some way to play just a little today, by myself or with others?
If so how?
If not, what happened and why no

a great check list but useless if the checks are not taken
come on how long does it take

62 take hold right now because the failure to do so will damage you which will damage her even further

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 8:39 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
62andbroken wrote:
Lesson 35

Health Monitoring II

OK, I have to put this on a short "hold"(two weeks +/-)..... again. Complacency and laziness got the upper had in me.....again.

Or maybe, I am holding back on this....again??


Quote:
a great check list but useless if the checks are not taken
come on how long does it take


What I meant by "on short hold again", is to take two weeks +/- to actually DO the initial daily Health Monitoring before I tackle the "phase II" part, not to just ignore it again. I will continue on with the lessons and return to this.

And also a HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 9:21 pm 
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Posts: 246
Lesson 36 Exercise:

I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

Since I’ve never developed any boundaries, almost anything in my life would qualify…;-)!

When I finally left (actually was let go, probably had a lot to do with my affair) the job where I had my last affair, I continued trying to keeping in touch with the “object of my affection”. This led to my Wife finding out about it and eventually to the “discovery of my porn- sex- and most importantly love addictions. I am still, 2-1/2 + years later, working with and through the consequences of a lifetime of bad choices that were uncovered.


II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

Using the above situation, having solid boundaries reflecting my actual values in place would not have allowed me to even consider having that affair, or any of the others I’ve had over the years, let alone trying to continue contact “after the fact” and nearly destroying my marriage (and that destruction is still a very real possibility).


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 10:43 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Lesson 37 Exercise:
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).

Honesty
Genuineness
Forgiving

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.

Honesty:

1. “The truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth” as I understand it to my Wife and
anyone else;

2. If I discover a lie or run into a previous lie, I will take full responsibility for it;

3. I will accept my Wife’s perceptions/choices about me and my behaviors in ALL circumstances;

4. If I discover another's lie, I will, if possible, make them aware of it privately;

5. If I cannot make them aware, I will remove myself from the situation/person;

Genuineness:

1. I will be myself, and ONLY myself in ALL situations that I find myself in;

2. If I find myself trying to be anything other than myself I will immediately remove myself from the
situation to sort out what is going on;

3. I will accept any and all criticism and assume it is meant to be constructive;

4. I will offer criticism only if it is sincerely asked for;

5. I will NOT try to change myself for anyone else, EVER.

Forgiving:

1. I will forgive (NOT excuse) myself for my past bad choices;

2. I will forgive my Wife unconditionally;

3. I will do my best to understand my Wife and her choices

4. I will forgive (NOT excuse) others for their bad choices;

5. I will do my best to understand others choices.


III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

1. I will not commit suicide (if I go the that place again I WILL get help);

2. I will act only in ways that will honor GOD;

3. I will act only in ways that I would have others act towards me.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 7:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
hey 62
still on track I believe
lets keep it that way :g:
lesson 37 great but lesson 36 have you really examined your own actions here
if you have perhaps guilt and shame still hold you back
just a thought from an old guy :s:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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