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 Post subject: Re:Lesson 18
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 9:24 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:04 pm
Posts: 73
Lesson 18



Power over the Trauma and the people,To do myself with out the pain I chose to eliminated the pain,guilt and shame by doing my self trying for a climax with out playing with myself anal masturbation only.
Fantasy to pick the females and out fits while doing it to myself with out the pain and torture to make myself feel better replacing the ones that caused the pain
Suspense Wanting and trying to climax with just the anal masturbation, Had to do both to reach climax at the same time.
Past to replace the overwhelming sensation of pain that was recurring with the good feelings I felt.
Accomplishment to feel the sensations given in the past I missed.
Escalation using larger toys, dildos and vibrators and CDs and videos to see movement and voices for the sensation but never as large as the ones originally used by the violators.


Last edited by D_GOODS on Sun Nov 15, 2015 7:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Hard Battle
PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2015 11:08 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:04 pm
Posts: 73
I blamed a lot of things on my trauma yes it was the start and I don't believe I wanted to control it and yes some even became a ritual habit feeling as I had to do it, Needed to


Last edited by D_GOODS on Thu Nov 19, 2015 4:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Lesson 21
PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 11:09 am 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 21

Long term goal failure return to collage to become a computer programmer, Told myself didn't have time was to old.


1) To have a good home and provide for my family with out the struggle in the next 6 months
2) I will be faithful in mind and body for the next 12 months
3) Spend better quality time with my SO on a daily bases
4) To be able to help my family when needed as needed
5) To reach out more to my Immediate family to become closer.
6) Take care of my own personnel and mental health.
7) Reassure my SO i am here for her daily
8) To build a better trust and relationship with my SO to understand her feelings with in the next 90 days.
9) Have a deeper Intimacy with my SO.
10) Not to be so selfish and more understanding toward my SO.
11) Not to be alone to spread out toward people.
12) Complete my therapy.
13) Complete my lessons and become a better partner to my SO in the next 120 days.
14) To make sure my loved ones are taken care of when I am gone.


Last edited by D_GOODS on Wed Dec 02, 2015 12:31 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #22
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 9:25 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:04 pm
Posts: 73
Lesson 22
Chart




Ritual
A Masturbation


Primary Elements.

Anger, confusion , fantasy , Moral conflict, self respect

Anger 9
Time 9
Intensity 1
Habituation 4

Confusion 8
Why it made me feel better to do it to my self
Time 7
Intensity 1
Habituation 3

Fantasy 8
I would be the one in control
Time 9
Intensity 6
Habituation 3

Moral 6
I always felt better immediatly after but did not like myself afterwards
Time 9
Intensity 6
Habituation 3

Pressure 9
Ritual was done to relieve pressure and anger at an act that was done against me. and continued after with satisfaction of self pleasure.
Time 8
Intensity 8
Habitual 5

Orgasm 1
Did not achieve an orgasm.This was a lie there was times when the masturbation had to have its release


Last edited by D_GOODS on Mon Dec 21, 2015 10:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #23
PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2015 5:47 am 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 23




Measuring compulsive rituals in my life and recovery can show me which ones I need to work on first besides porn in other factors of my life my day by day experiences With the stress of my job for example and thing just around the home. To help me see how my emotions are doing weekly or even daily


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #24
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 10:41 am 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 24


Fright
Terror
Pain
Betrayal
Loneliness
Rejection

Past
Power
Fantasy
Suspense
Accomplishment
Sensory




Part 2



Terror smell perfume, Or see some one that looked like one of the violators

Fright felt like some one was watching me. That they were close

Locked myself in private room

Start looking for porn that reminded me of the pain and betrayal

Found porn of strap on and objects with young females anal sex with men

Would do a Masturbation.

Would save pictures for easy access.

Felt accomplishment by doing it to myself less pain and embarrassment


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2015 9:29 pm 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 25


Compulsive Elements Compulsive rituals Compulsive chains

Point of No Return

Anger, enraged

Waking up with the feeling used, and would have the feeling of pain around the anus the feeling of shame and guilt

Felt like self masturbation to relieve pressure, release the anger and guilt for allowing it to continue.

Could remember the actions done against me and most of the faces

Would begin looking through porn sites to see other men these actions was done to. To see if I could become aroused

To remember the pain and betrayal

To try to enjoy the actions to become aroused to be able to enjoy the experience

Anal masturbation was the only way in my mind to relieve the pain and pressure to get the thoughts out of my head.
.
I even took pictures of people unaware to see if it would cause arousal at one moment had a hatred toward women, people

It seemed as nothing helped could not achieve arousal

Pleasure came from anal masturbation


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #26
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:02 pm 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 26



I would see people and think it was them matching the remembered description I would feel anger even rage and then confusion, shame what could I do. I would go home lock my self in my room it wasn’t same I would look at the pictures that was sent to me I would re watch the videos I would then look up porn to match and work my may down to lesser aggressive porn. I would then anal masturbate it would ease the pain and pressure they wasn’t hurting me. I was doing it to my self with out the pain.
I would look at porn for as long as it took for the right feeling. It was not for ejaculation

Fantasy was about making the whole situation non painful fun for enjoyment


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #27
PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:12 am 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 27


Compulsive Chains


Having the feeling, I would be out and about I would see some one, get a sent of perfume that would give me a feeling of being scared when I would get home I would search through porn until I found what would what would make that feeling even heighten the feeling I would the A masturbate until the feeling was gone sometimes I would have to use video with the sound I would save pictures that would remind me.



I would at times just leave it in as I looked at more porn softer porn females in lingerie, look up people that would remind me of the violation of when it was accruing in my memories.


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #27
PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2015 10:05 am 
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Posts: 73
I began saving all kinds of porn picks to my computer and disks, and flash drives to have the ready and available for my urge, when I had the feeling I would take them out play them on my lap top when I couldn’t wait to get home, or use them on my home computer instead of having to look them up one at a time I would just let them play through I would only A masturbate at home but the picks would help control the urges. Mainly
The strap-on and lingerie pics even a few tranny pics at times I would put lotion in so it could ooze out for the feeling. A few times a strap-on was used that would simulate ejaculation


1. Saved all types of porn depending on the feeling and what was brought back of the memories.
2. Would smell a particular perfume or cologne and begin remembering depending on the memory which porn I would bring up
3. Blondes with hair style would bring back memories of a Tranny during the trauma that was nice I would bring up Tranny porn to remember the feeling during that time. I would then fixate on my stepdaughter because of the hair and her having about the same body. She was over the age of 29.
4. When I was at the site I would steal the panties of the females that was there to remember and to lay out as I was viewing porn and A masturbating.
5. I would also get larger toys to use some came from the site some was sent free from a toy warehouse.
6. There was a few women that where gental with the strap-ons and dildos and I began to enjoy part of the situation.

Second part

1. Having the feeling or scent begin remembering
2. Would search for porn to match the feeling
A. Large object porn
B. Strap on porn
C. Combination of porn

3. Started using larger toys after they used larger objects
4. Began masturbating to just get a rise
5. With the memories could not do so would seek different types of porn
6. Unforced male to female strap on object lesbian tranny to male and male to male to see if any would cause a response


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PostPosted: Mon May 18, 2015 9:20 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:04 pm
Posts: 73
Lesson #28
Ritual Chains


1. Seeing people that bring up the feeling
A. Take pictures
B. Follow them to car or through store

2. Search porn for people with resemblances
A. Types of porn they used against me

3. Attempt to us objects as they did to bring back the pain the feeling.
A. To search out people that would do the same for the pain and the pleasure
B. Find new objects larger to insert to feel the pressure and pain again.

4. Search personals for people willing to do the same acts to me.
5. Pick up people I could play part in the acts willingly
6. Find a blonde tranny willing to take part in and share sex acts with the same body size and proportions

7. To attempt doing the things I was forced into willingly

To share the experience to see if I could enjoy the actions


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #29
PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2015 9:53 am 
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Posts: 73
Lesson # 29


1. A flurry of emotions from betrayal to pain and anger, and confusion not knowing what to expect next the black mail whom I would be passed to or made to do next

2. The least anxiety was knowing. what she was capable of what she would do for her pleasures.

3. The most anxiety I felt was knowing what they was about to do for their own pleasures no matter how I felt or the pain they caused. Remembering their laughter as I felt excruciating pain. Anticipating the pain I know is about to come.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2015 11:19 pm 
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Posts: 189
D_GOODS,

You're doing some good work here in RN. Keep it going, make this a priority in your life. This IS the most important thing you can do for yourself to lead a healthy life. I found RN in December of 2013, it has changed my life for the better.

I wanted to take a moment to touch base on your values. Establishing your values and ingraining them into your life is a critical component of RN. I would encourage you to make sure your values are positive and that they help support your vision statement. As you get deeper into RN, you will learn how to make your values support your decisions to live a healthy life; the life you're making reference to in your vision statement.

Some of the values you listed (see numbered list below), I would ask you to ask yourself if there's a different way to phrase the value. I've made some comments below regarding a couple of your stated values. I'm sharing some of my thoughts with you that have helped me in my own recovery. I'm not telling you to change anything, I'm just making a couple suggestions to help you think about moving forward...

1) Not allow my trauma and fears to control my life and dreams (We all carry the baggage of our past decisions and experiences; you're being involved with and learning from RN will help you gain the control you're looking for)
8) Reach my full potential (How do you know you've achieved this? Can you make this more specific?)
9) Connection to purpose and meaning for life (This is a deep concept; Do you make an emotional connection with this value? Can you be more specific about what this looks like?)
15) Feel good about myself and direction (Be true to your values and your boundaries, and you WILL feel good about yourself!)
16) To forgive myself (Show yourself you've forgiven you by living out your values)

As I put together my list of prioritized values, I recall thinking that I always did have a set of values. The problem I had, is that I allowed my emotional immaturity, selfishness and need for immediate gratification to decimate my values. It was horrific. I realized it was horrific when I went through this exercise myself. The guilt and remorse were overwhelming for myself because I finally realized the magnitude of my addiction. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy, but if you're honest with yourself, you put in the time, and you stay committed, you will move closer and closer to a healthy life.


Be honest with yourself and keep moving forward!

BetterLife


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2015 10:04 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:04 pm
Posts: 73
Thank you Bitterlife, It works I do have some confusion on when a trigger stops being a trigger. I still have emotions about things out of my trauma but they no longer if I have one one by site I don't want or feel the need to porn or any anger


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson #31
PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:12 pm 
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Posts: 73
Lesson 31
Emotional Balance and Stability


1. Hours at work to few Moderate.
2. Not enough money to provide for the family Moderate
3. Arguments with the SO. Not opening up soon enough. Moderate to Severe.
4. Not being able to provide the home the family needs Moderate
5. The challenge to show and talk about my improvements by my SO Severe
6. Being alone Severe
7. Not being completely transparent sooner causing doubt no trust Moderate to Severe at times.



A. Yes trying to keep the family together
B. Hiding from the past instead of facing it
C. Stress at work
D. Lying to my fiancée I have opened up to late I fear I have told her everything but my past lies have crushed her and she has the right to be upset even furious with me I have said this many times before.

E Yes helping the people around me is a good feeling and stress reducer.
I didn’t and still don’t talk to people the one person should have been my
SO other but I closed her out of my personnel feeling I still have problem talking on a personnel level but I have been trying more Life with out the ones
You love around you is worthless.


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