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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:02 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 12

I. Patterns recognized:
- laziness
- Why? Because of lack of acceptance of responsibility for living my life

- moving to next lesson without thinking much about previous one
- Why? Laziness

- Hyperanalysis of thoughts, behaviors

To achieve in order to be successful:

- Better self-esteem
- Defeating laziness
- Accepting responsibility for living my life


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 6:05 am 
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Renewing my commitment to change

As anticipated in the 'What to expect' page, the time has come for me to renew my commitment to change, and base it on areas that will provide a long lasting motivation.

I am now choosing to change for the sake of my mental health and my own well-being, and I will stop at nothing to root out those behaviors that do me way more harm than good.
I am choosing to change permanently to live a stable, healthy and fullfiling life, and discover the core reasons behind my addiction.
I am choosing to change permanently in order to build a new identity, my identity.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:36 am 
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Posts: 28
Lesson 13

I. Healthy recovery patterns recognized:
Early
- Significant doubts relating my ability to change
- Extreme emotions
- Relief in having behaviors understood
- Seeking understanding in all areas of life
Middle
- Identifying my future with a healthy person that once used addiction
- Seeing my life as a continuous process of growth and development

II. Values surrounding unhealthy patterns:
- Giving up responsibility
- Fear

Values surrounding healthy recovery patterns:
- Sincerity
- Growth
- Realism

The unhealthy patterns are linked with the exactly opposite values than my own, whereas the healthy patterns are consistent. These unhealthy patterns are a threat to my recovery and also to my value based identity.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 6:51 pm 
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Lesson 14

I. Daily Monitoring List - Phase 1

- Was I aware of the judging voice in my head today and did I train it to broadcast positive thoughts ?

- Was I aware of not using deception as a part of my decision making today?

- Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
    If so, did I break off immediately after being aware of it? In case of love addict thoughts, did I react healthily?
    If not, did I role play a past ritual so as to ingrain confidence in my recovery?

- Did I derive fullfilment from living my day with a sense of purpose and responsibility?

- Did I derive meaning and self worth from my engagement in my sports program?

- Was I able to identify and deal with laziness, complacency and/or confusion today? If yes, did I use my reactive action plans? If not, how long has it been?

- Did I derive meaning from staying present and in the moment?

- Did I derive meaning from being sincere and honest in my relationships today?

- Did I derive meaning from taking responsibility for taking my academic life to success?

- Was I active in my learning of recovery skills today?

- Did I follow through everything I wanted to do today?

- Did I learn from taking at least 8 minutes at the end of the day to write in my recovery journal?

II. 5min at the end of each day.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:19 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
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Proactive action plans


1. Self Respect

- Pursuing recovery & growth for myself, my own well being, not for others
     - Being aware of the 'voice in my head', and recognizing when it is demeaning, and confronting its misconceptions, and training it to broadcast positive and confident thoughts
     - Recognizing my strengths 
     - Establishing an awareness of the state of my self esteem
     - Recognizing that I have not lived the life I wanted to live, that I have wasted my potential for years, but that I have only control over what happens in the present.                          
     - Recognizing the effort and sincerity I am putting in recovery as a way to make it up to that past.
- Accepting myself, who I am and being proud of my identity.
- Recognizing moments when I am ashamed of a part of me (healthy me), and having the courage to develop acceptance for that aspect of myself.

2. Courage

I don't want fear to hinder me anymore

- Recognizing fear as a negative emotion only working against me and causing instability and anxiety, and hindering me.
- Mindfully acknowledging fear and not letting it control me.
- Having the courage to face my past in recovery
- With social fear, fear of heights, recognizing this fear as irrational and ridiculous
- Having the courage to face my urges in recovery

3. Love

Family

- Developing affection for all my family members, regardless of previous relationships
- Caring for and supporting my family
- Allowing trust to settle between family members

Friends

- Developing mutual support within relationships of friendship
- Developing sharing in my relationships
- Developing trust
- Developing spontaneity

Romantic

- Developing emotional intimacy within the relationship
- Developing sharing within the relationship
- Developing trust
- Appreciating the other's individuality

Self

- Caring for myself
- Developing affection for my identity
- Developing pride in who I am
- Protecting my identity and values

Life

- Learning to appreciate and be grateful for each moment of my life
- Developing a feeling of awe/wonder
- Seeing each day as an opportunity

4. Growth

- Spending half an hour a day on RN forums
- Accepting personal growth as a slow, but steady process
- Understanding life as a process of growth
- Accepting failures as a way to learn
- Viewing triggers as an opportunity to gain experience
- Accepting to have my beliefs challenged

5.Taking Responsibility

- Recognizing moments of deception as a symptom of my own poor life management skills.
- Being aware that I am the only one who can bring my life to health
- Doing everything in my power to bring myself to health
- Recognizing laziness as an obstacle to overcome, and overcoming it with value based action
- Recognizing that this is a hard value to implement, but it is not impossible
- Being responsible in the eyes of others, by being aware of respecting my engagements

6. Absolute Honesty

- Making absolute honesty a proactive means to manage my life:
     - Adopting a boundary of absolute honesty with myself
          - With each decision I take, evaluating if deception will be needed in the decision process
               - If yes, find another option
               - If no, perfect, you are basing this decision on your values
           - Being aware of the moments when I use deception, why I use it, and finding a better option based on my values that does not include deception.
     - Establishing a boundary of sharing my true self with the world around me (sincerity)
          -  Being aware of the moments when I use deception, why I use it, and finding a better option based on my values that does not include deception.
          - Communicating openly and fearlessly about my thoughts and feelings
          - Also communicating my weaknesses, flaws, ignorance, and it is absolutely normal
          - Learning to communicate freely and spontaneously with the people that matter to me, by:
              - sharing my thoughts, insights, experiences as they come, being aware of not using deception.

7. - Being healthy physically and mentally:
     - Physically:
          - Bodyweightfitness workout 3 times a week & actively seeking out opportunities to exercise at least once a week
                - Book 1:10 of my time when at home 3 times a week
          - Constantly reminding myself to sit and stand straight 
     - Mentally:
          - Achieving a healthy lifestyle through addiction recovery
          - Maintaining this mental health after recovery through post-recovery monitoring.

8. Vulnerability

- Accepting to share my weaknesses and doubts with others
    - Recognizing pride as a negative emotion working against me.
    - Being open with my close friends and parents.
    - Recognizing feelings of shame (about opening up) as unhealthy
    - Accepting beung imperfect with others.
- Accepting help from my loved ones.

9. Curiosity

     - Engaging once a day in an activity involving my curiosity
     - Being aware of not holding back my curiosity, especially with other people, places.

10. Pursuing beauty & peace

- Becoming aware of beauty in places and especially nature.
- Actively seeking beauty through practicing music thrice a week minimum
- Keeping my bedroom tidy and clean in order to experience peace of mind when living in it.
- Looking for beauty through my practice of photography
- Actively looking for opportunities to take pictures while on holiday trips etc...
- Developing my inner peace through meditation, once a day.

Also Adding:
[b]
Experiencing success
[/b]

In my academic life

- Seeing any failures not as a punishment, but as an opportunity for learning
- Establishing a boundary of strict organisation
- Taking responsibility for bringing myself to success
- Being aware of not using deception as part of my decision making process regarding this area
- Managing my stress with a values based reaction plan


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:21 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Right so, I just acted out twice. The stress from using my newly built tools (proactive action plans; reactive action plans) into my life had been building up over the past 2 days. When I experienced the first urge today, I was able to defeat it through willpower and through completion of the urge awareness worksheet, which brought me stability. After that though, I felt an urge to act out sexually because I had just been successful, so kind of an urge as a 'reward'. Anyways, I was not expecting this and I fell back into the same trap I fell many times before. I acted out a second time after that, as I had lost sight of my values.
Once the emotional exhaustion will have been dealt with (through music),
I will reconnect to my vision and values.
I will create a reactive action plan to urges, (including the urge awareness sheet, which was very helpful).
I will achieve all I had set out to do today (value of taking responsibility)
I will be absolutely honest with myself and with others.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:55 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 15

For love addiction; I think a key aspect in the development of my love addict patterns were the violent disputes between my parents when I was a child. I do not remember when or if there was a trauma linked to this, but I do remember that with each strife, my child self would feel less and less safe within the family. Then cue low self esteem, shyness etc.
For sexual addiction, I remember being disgusted by porn the first time I watched it, at around 10 years old, although I became strangely fascinated by it. I then discovered masturbation and the pleasure it brought me caused me to value it above everything else, and slowly became a way to deal with my low self esteem, my social anxiety...

I.
Learned the value of introspection in helping me discover more about myself, and scheduled a session of writing in a recovery journal each night before sleeping to list insights, thoughts etc...


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:02 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3860
Location: UK
hello captain

Quote:
Right so, I just acted out twice. The stress from using my newly built tools (proactive action plans; reactive action plans) into my life had been building up over the past 2 days. When I experienced the first urge today, I was able to defeat it through willpower and through completion of the urge awareness worksheet, which brought me stability. After that though, I felt an urge to act out sexually because I had just been successful, so kind of an urge as a 'reward'. Anyways, I was not expecting this and I fell back into the same trap I fell many times before. I acted out a second time after that, as I had lost sight of my values.


OK you need to learn from this
dont be too hard on yourself but dont be easy either
analyse what you got out of acting out
reflect on how you felt before, during and after
analyse how you feel now

Quote:
The stress from using my newly built tools (proactive action plans; reactive action plans) into my life had been building up over the past 2 days


really? is this a fact or could it be that you perceived built up stress from not acting out and so believed that you just had to use your old coping mechanism
well believe me when I say you dont need to you choose to
choosing not to is where you want to be

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:08 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Thanks for your reply coach,
The thing is, I was feeling a pressure on myself which I felt was about a fear to fail in recovery, maybe triggered by a lack of self confidence. I am also asking myself if this is not linked to what is described as step 9 in the 'What to expect in early healthy recovery' page.
Ideally, I should have had the courage to deal with the pressure/stress while it was still small.

What I got from acting out:
- Loss of mental clarity
- Temporary euphoria
- feelings of guilt & shame
- more urges
- loss of time that could have been dedicated to growth

How I felt before acting out:
- Stressed
- Desperate (at having no idea how to deal with urge)

How I felt during acting out:
- excited
- disgusted

How I felt after acting out:
- Shameful
- lost
- emotionally numb


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:27 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Lesson 16

I. The positive roles that sexual and romantic addicition has played in my life:

- Allowed me to relieve stress temporarily
- Allowed me to feel euphoric temporarily
- Allowed me to deal with uncomfortable emotions temporarily
- Allowed me to feel a sense of pride and control (romantic)


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:06 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
*sigh*
I acted out again, but even more severely this time. I got completely lost in porn, maybe for an hour. I really feel like I am once again lost and cannot find my way out of the pit.
My attempts to go back to a healthy way of thinking, a healthy way of being have been unsuccessful. I really have a difficult time processing things rationally and overcoming urges.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:53 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
I realized today after reading this post about losing motivation that what happened is I burned myself out in recovery. What I believe deep down (and that I was not even aware of), is that I will recover only if I show to myself maximum effort in all areas of recovery - on a sidenote, much similar to the idea that I will be rewarded if I show my suffering/efforts, which is prevalent in my love addict behaviors. I did not grasp that the changes that are to be made in order to live a stable life need to be progressive, not obssessive. I will therefore need to go back and 're learn' many of the lessons in a healthier approach.
Combined with that is, I believe, a significant issue in terms of the motivation to change. I identified myself today as being in a relapse recovery cycle, and my sexually addicted identity still has a 'nostalgia' to my addict ways. I just honestly reevaluated my motivation for change by laying down three options in front of me (as change is inevitable): going fully into sexual and romantic addiction, continuing on the road of relapse/recovery or getting rid of compulsive behaviors for ever and living a value-based existence. I listed the values and consequences of each decision, and came to the conclusion that what I truly wanted was the third option. I want to get rid of pornography, of compulsive masturbation, of compulsive romantic thoughts and behaviors.

A few guidelines for myself in order to prevent burnout and keep a healthier mindset:
-Seeing each day as an opportunity to grow and learn about life, about myself, about my recovery
-Seeing my whole life to come as a time to continue growing towards a healthy, balanced lifestyle.
-Remaining committed to a lifetime of growth


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 4:19 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:35 am
Posts: 28
Reviewing what I had missed

Lesson 1

Although a part of me does not want to change, my true self, the one I am striving to be, is ready to eliminate the compulsive behaviors that have hindered me in possibly every aspect of life. I am ready to eliminate the fantasies, the porn, the compulsive masturbation, the compulsive romantic delusions and fantasies. I am ready to fight them every chance I get.
I am ready to develop my values, and use them to derive fullfilment in my life.
I am ready to put my health, my identity above all else.
I am ready to fight and eliminate the laziness, the complacency, the emotional immaturity, the unhealthy recovery patterns.
I am ready to grow and learn from my life experiences, in and beyond the Recovery Workshop.
I am ready to experience life on a whole new level than compulsiveness.
I am ready to put whatever time needed in order to recover.
I am ready to seek fullfillment and happiness instead of short term pleasure.


B. A few reasons why I want to change permanently:
- So I can implement growth and learning as an efficient tool in my life to become a healthier and happier being
- So I can be at peace with myself
- So I can achieve what I put my mind to
- So I can win the challenge of recovery and conquer myself
- So I can take pride in who I truly am
- So I can beat the demons that have haunted me for years
- So I can come to see my life as an opportunity and as a gift
- So I can be balanced and fullfilled
- So I can be able to think and plan rationally
- So I can learn to build healthy relationships


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:35 am 
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Lesson 2

Vision

- I want to grow and learn from my life to become someone better and healthier, and be open-minded and curious
- I want to develop emotional maturity and courage to overcome my emotions that hinder my capability to live a healthier life.
- I want to develop a love for myself, a pride for who I am and who I am striving to be.
- I want to build and sustain healthy, balanced relationships, and especially healthy romantic relationships.
- I want to take reponsibility for bringing myself to success in the areas defined by this vision.
- I want to be honest with myself, especially relating to personal growth, and be sincere with the people that matter to me.
- I want to be successful in my academic life.
- I want to develop discipline in order to achieve what I set myself to do.
- I want to be autonomous in my life choices, basing myself on my values and on myself.
- I want to develop love for my family, my friends and for life.
- I want to be physically healthy, feeling physically dynamic
- I want to have meaningful, deep and sincere relationships
- I want to stay emotionally balanced
- I want to be helpful to people that matter to me
- I want to be at peace with myself

edits: adding inner peace, removing risk taking


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 5:03 pm 
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Lesson 3

UNIVERSAL

- Growth
- Honesty
- Love
- Responsibility
- Physical health
- Discipline
- Self-Love
- Emotional Maturity
- Courage
- Academic success
- Autonomy
- Healthy Relationships
- Strong and sincere relationships
- Balance
- Inner peace


PRACTICAL


- Developing growth in all areas of my life
- Accepting growth as a key part of my identity
- Being open to external criticism
- Resolving my core issues
- Being in tune with my true identity
- Developing self-honesty
- Developing sincerity in my relationships with others
- Developing awareness in my life
- Developing unconditional love for my family members
- Developing support and comradeship with my friends
- Taking responsibility for bringing myself to academic success
- Accepting my mortality
- Taking responsibility for bringing my life to mental health
- Feeling physically healthy and dynamic
- Developing discipline in my personal development
- Learning to love myself
- Defeating self loathing thoughts
- Showing my true self to the world
- Learning to overcome my emotions
- Developing confidence in my decision making
- Developing healthy friendships
- Developing healthy family relationships
- Developing healthy romantic relationships
- Developing vulnerability in my relationships
- Remaining emotionally balanced
- Staying connected to my thoughts
- Staying connected to my feelings
- Learning to appreciate simple things and developing gratitude
- Developing a sense of purpose in my day to day life
- Developing order in my life management
- Developing my creativity
- Developing maturity in my relationships
- Improving my communication skills
- Helping others in need
- Developing compassion
- Facing my past with courage
- Developing focus
- Accepting myself for who I truly am
- Appreciating beauty around me
- Eliminating compulsive behaviors from my life
- Being tenacious in my pursuit of a healthy life
- Facing my fears with courage and ordered thought


Values linked to compulsive behaviors

- Avoidance
- Immaturity
- Lying
- Dishonesty
- Fear
- Guilt
- Shame
- Self-loathing
- Self harm (long term)
- Excitement
- Disappointment
- Delusion
- Temporary comfort
- Laziness
- Complacency
- Perfectionism
- Instability
- Loneliness
- Obssession


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