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PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 12:28 am 
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Lesson 21:

Code:
Lesson 21 Exercise:

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

Convert away from windows and to Linux by September of 2016: I did not break this into sub tasks; I did not have an accountable deadline; I did not make time to work on the subtasks. The transition was not important to me.

Get a job as a mathematician: I did not network appropriately; I did not build a resume for a mathematician job; I did not have the necessary education (I had a bachelors but not a graduate degree) Failure to set a clear end, or subtask. Getting a job was important, getting a job as a mathematician was not.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

Buy a house: Buying a house was important to me and my partner. We had a well defined budget, and subtasks. There were clear milestones along the path. Buying a house was inline with our values. We had support of our friends and family to complete the task. My partner took the lead, and I was able to follow her in the process.

Complete a college degree: Education is a value that runs in my family. The path to a degree is well defined. Milestones are easy to see. Support from family and friends made it easier to complete the goal.

Get a good job: Milestones were visible, get any job, and work for a better and better one, either in new companies or the old one. Supportive family and friends help. My partner helped me negotiate improvements in my current position.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

Easy answer is:
-Complete the recovery workshop by Feb 20, 2018.
--Complete: Stage One: Health by Nov. 3, 2017
--Complete: Stage Two: Addiction by Nov 14, 2017
--Complete: Stage Three: Life Skills by Dec 5, 2017
--Complete: Stage Four: Urge Control by Dec 30, 2017
--Complete: Advanced Development 1    Mentoring & Coaching by Jan 10, 2018
--Complete: Stage Five: Health Maintenance by Jan 20, 2018
--Complete: Advanced Development 2    Supplemental Lessons by Feb 7, 2018
*This leaves a bit of slack, in the schedule in case lessons take longer than expected
**Should be accomplished by taking 1 day on each lesson, with time to go over old lessons as necessary

More abstract answer:
-Build 4 pieces of furniture for my home.
--Determine the order to build the three items, based on need/reward and complexity of project.
---Likely order: Workbench, Entertainment Center, Shoe Rack, Bookshelf
--Build the workbench
---Draw plans for the workbench
---Determine materials
---Purchase/Collect materials
---Cut boards and check that all parts are present
---Assemble Components
---Paint/stain the bench
--Plan an entertainment center
---Draw plans for the center
---Confer with my wife about the design, (get her approval for the plan)
---Determine materials
---Estimate costs
---Purchase/Collect materials
---Cut boards and check that all parts are present
---Assemble Components
---Get rough approval on the build
---Ask my wife help to pick the color of stain or paint
---Paint/stain the entertainment center
---Get final approval and install it in the house
--Plan a shoe rack
---Draw plans for the shoe rack
---Determine materials
---Purchase/Collect materials
---Cut boards and check that all parts are present
---Assemble Components
---Paint/stain the rack
--Plan bookshelf
---Draw plans for the shelf
---Measure to make sure the plans will fit our house
---Get initial approval of plans
---Adjust as necessary
---Determine materials
---Purchase/Collect materials
---Cut boards and check that all parts are present
---Assemble Components
---Paint/stain the rack
---Get final approval and install the shelf in the house
---Unpack the last of our books


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 11:19 pm 
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Exercise 22

1. Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in.

2. Identify three or four elements of that ritual (e.g. physical sensory stimulation; danger; orgasm; accomplishment).

3. For each element, assign a relative number for the amount of stimulation you think you derive from this particular element. These numbers are relevant only to you and in relation to other elements that you experience.

4. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element. Does it increase the stimulation? Decrease the stimulation? Have no effect? Have a mixed effect (as in, sometimes it increases, other times it decreases)?.

5. Share the above in your personal recovery thread.
Code:
Ritual: Masturbation

Elements of the ritual: physical sensory stimulation; visual sensory stimulation; orgasm; fantasy

Values assigned:
physical sensory stimulation: 3
visual sensory stimulation: 1
orgasm: 3
fantasy: 2
 
Filters applied

physical sensory stimulation:
Time: 6 time would vary sometimes a shorter duration was better, sometimes longer was preferred, but overall the time spent touching was a big part of the experience
Intensity: 7 part of the goal was to feel myself and enjoy it, this peaked at 7
Habituation: 2 Did not change physical stimulation much, if at all.
 
visual sensory stimulation:
Time: 3 sometimes unnecessary, but sometimes very necessary, but it was not a critical in each session or even for the whole session.
Intensity: 6 depending on mood and recent stimuli this would wax and wane but at its peak porn viewing was 6
Habituation: 7 Different porn was used nearly every time, had to change or it was not as fun.

orgasm:
Time: 3 time spent in orgasm was nice but not a key 
Intensity: 9 this was the goal
Habituation: 5 was a part of the ritual whenever possible time, nothing changed in the ritual here.

fantasy:
Time: 8 the time spent fantasizing and imagining my self in different situations was the crux of the escape Positive correlation
Intensity: 8 pleasure derived from fantasy waxed and waned but at its peak was about an 8 Positive correlation
Habituation: 5 Fantasies got more in depth, or I wanted to believe I was in a porn scenario, this changed often usually as frequency grew


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:23 am 
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Exercise 23: In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery.
Don't just copy the headings of this lesson, take a minute to see how you can practically use this information in YOUR life.

Measuring compulsive behaviors for me, will force me to look at the whole sequence, not just the capstone incident. I need to consider more than just the sexually charged incidents, but also what led up to them, was I bored, anxious, having any preliminary thoughts... This opens up two pathways, identifying earlier and earlier behaviors in the series, and demystifying the pieces of my addiction. Both of which can be used to avoid problematic behaviors, and to build healthier coping mechanisms for my deficient life skills. Additionally thorough measurement of compulsive behaviors can be used to identify a similar level of stimulation I will need to build up to while considering and acting on my values in order to make it easy to shirk my addictive behaviors. And not to be a broken record, but going over the behaviors I exhibit (Fantasy, masturbation, sex worker use) with the fine tooth comb of analysis means that behavior will be easier to identify, and cease earlier in its process.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:38 pm 
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Shm00p's Wheel of Sexual Compulsion:

Sensory Visual
Past
Power
Sensory Touch
Danger
Suspense
Accomplishment
Fantasy
Orgasm
White knight delusions


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 1:04 am 
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Posts: 44
Compulsive Behavior: Going to the strip club

1. Feeling bored/lonely
2. Normal Fantasy and masturbate not cutting it
3. Drive to the club, while fantasizing about who/what I will see
4. Talk to some of the girls at the club
5. Feel like I am their friend not just a client
6. Get a lap dance from the ones I talk to most
7. Talk to more girls at the club
8. Feel disgust at the guys that will not get private dances
9. Feel for the girls that are not getting private dances
10. Keep talking with the bartender and other girls
11. Feel like I am making progress on getting to know them as people
12. Close down the bar, help out around the club
13. Feel good helping, but only because it ingratiates the owner to me
14. Drive home and think about the night
15. What went well, what did not
16. Reflect on that and masturbate
17. Orgasm and clean up


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 11:44 pm 
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Exercise 25 Redux Choosing a more everyday ritual:

1. Found my self bored
2. Started day dreaming about a woman I had seen another time (online, in person) - Fantasy/Past
3. Wait to be alone (getting more excited to fantasize) - Suspense
4. Look up porn similar to my thoughts - fantasy/Sensory Visual
5. Start masturbating - Sensory Physical
6. Jump deeper into fantasy, picuring myself in the porn - fantasy
7. Orgasm
8. Clean-up disgust/guilt/cleah history (Accomplishment/Danger)


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:19 am 
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Exercise 26

1. At home bored, or at work feeling stressed, or non-productive
2. Think I can clear that block or fill the feeling with masturbation
3. Think of a female co-worker, porn video, or sexal image I had seen before.
4. Find a way to be alone, either go home, duck into work bathroom...
5. Search for pornography similar to the target idea
6. Browse each image looking for similarities to my target idea
a. Type of sexual act
b. Physical similarities to initial woman.
7. Begin masturbating
8. Continue search for best visual/fantasy stimulation
9. Find an adequate video
10. Picture myself in the scene, imagine the physical sensations that go along with the scenario.
11. Masturbate to orgasm
12. Begin cleaning up
13. Feel disgust at what I watched
14. Clear browser history
15. Return to work, or whatever activity I should have been doing in the first place.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:30 am 
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Exercise 27 Two of my compulsive rituals:
1. Simultaneous:
Play video-games, and masturbate. On weekends I would set aside time to have no stimulation, where I would fill the time with video-games between masturbation sessions.

2. Chained together:
Fantasize about women I have met -> View Pornography -> Masturbation -> Browse Websites for escorts -> Partake in promiscuity.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:10 am 
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Lesson 28 Exercises
A. Chains

1. Felt a buzz of energy - Emotionally Restless
2. Wife was resting - Maintained Emotional Restlessness
3. Decided to play video games - Found a mechanism of instant gratification (not value based)
4. Did not know what game I wanted to play - choices of how to satisfy the urge
5. Searched for roms - explore choices
6. found Porno games - stimulated by finding a sexually charged visual
7. Looked at more "game" covers - continued deriving visual stimulaton from the animated girls
7. Clicked into preview for download - delved into one image specifically
8. Felt guilty - downward sensation as guilt of un faithful thoughts filled my head
9. Minimized the behavior by telling myself that it was accidental - I was willfully ignorant of my behavior and chose not to stop it earlier.
10. Played a different game - continued to seek instant gratification


1. Checked mail - taking care of a normal chore, but definitley feeling a bit bored
2. Wife was not home - felt the power to "get away with looking at porn"
3. Found a catalog the previous resident ordered - found a potentia source (raised excitement)
4. scanned catalog for sexy images - the catalog had a small section of women in bras and panties and I stared
5. Guilt of this action set in - Crash of motion as guilt for unfaithful thoughts and acknowedging actions I promised not to take set in.

1. Went to poker with a friend - having a bros night feeling some of my old lifestyle
2. There were pinups on the wall (playboy centerfolds) - visually stimulating images of naked women were abound
3. I stared part of the night - I chose to stare at the images adding to my arousal
4. There were more porno mags in the bathroom - I did a little search for more magazines
5. I thought about looking at one - considered looking in one magazine (added to excitement, but felt anxious as I know it is not right)
6. decided against it because that is an action I would not be proud to share. - chose to not look and get back to the game because I would not want to share that action.

C. Added elements
1. Could add seeking more visual stimulation
2. Could add touching myself
3. Could add keeping a magazine or catalog or downloading images


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:37 am 
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Exercise 29:

Emotions: excitement, sexual charge, happiness
Trigger: first night with my wife

Emotions: guilt, shame, regret
Trigger: rub and tug/ masturbating when she asked me not to

Emotions: happiness, accomplishment
First morning waking up.with my wife.

Emotions: sadness
Trigger: death of a previous girlfriend

Emotions: sad, numb, small, pointless, alone
Trigger: waiting in the hospital for final declaration of her death

Emotions: alone, confused questioning
Trigger: admission to SVH

Emotions: empty, stupid, angry
Trigger: looking at whores on the street or hiring a hooker

Emotion: love, happiness
Trigger: thoughts of marriage and my wife

Emotions: love contentment
Trigger: driving with my puppy


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:11 am 
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Exercise 31:

In examining my stressors and correlated values. I am feeling like I am on a good path. My biggest stressors were worry about relapse and money. Two core value being faithfulness, and financial responsibility this makes sense. And is a boost to my esteem. Minor issues we're correlated to difficulties with keeping commitments, or creative space both of which are, in my top 15 values.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:55 pm 
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Exercise 33:

My emotions.

When this exercise started I had a hard time recognizing my emotions. Now stopping to examine them is getting easier.

Since I can stop and pull them out of myself on the spot they must be finite. I am not on a continuous rollercoaster. I have choices about what I feel and I can pick what comes next (to some extent)

Stopping to examine my emotions has made me more grateful for the positive moments, and is minimizing my pessimistic moments.

Had some really scary news recently, and that has dredged up some negative emotions, guilt, shame, inadequacy... But I am seeing those as necessary for positivity, and really are a tangible consequence of my past behavior.

I want to start a family. My wife and I are ready, just have some hurdles to cross but imagining little moments seems so worth the pains. And pure love. Something special about that.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:55 pm 
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Exercise 33:

My emotions.

When this exercise started I had a hard time recognizing my emotions. Now stopping to examine them is getting easier.

Since I can stop and pull them out of myself on the spot they must be finite. I am not on a continuous rollercoaster. I have choices about what I feel and I can pick what comes next (to some extent)

Stopping to examine my emotions has made me more grateful for the positive moments, and is minimizing my pessimistic moments.

Had some really scary news recently, and that has dredged up some negative emotions, guilt, shame, inadequacy... But I am seeing those as necessary for positivity, and really are a tangible consequence of my past behavior.

I want to start a family. My wife and I are ready, just have some hurdles to cross but imagining little moments seems so worth the pains. And pure love. Something special about that.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:56 pm 
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IG: I was staying with a friend and her husband, we played cards with some old co-workers. I was grieving a big loss from the month previous, I told them about it. That night she came to the guest room to comfort me. We wound up have sex. Her only transgression in 10 years. I was enraptured with grief and had forgotten anything but immediate pleasure. That act cost me two friends. It also shocked me into looking at my life because I was taking a huge amount of risks. This was not the first or last stupid risk sexually, but it was part of righting my course.

I feel the emotional check-ins have brought my anxiety about acting out under control a lot. I am able to redirect before or during the urge to act out. However, I still get anxious around old stimuli or habit grounds, it is a combination of excitement to remember that past experience, and I get afraid of questions about my past, I worry I will fall back into dishonesty, and really fuck up my life I am building. I see my wife getting upset, and the pain I cause her. I see my ugly past that I did not consider. I see my mindless self, and I worry about my life crashing in on me.

Last time I acted out, I was feeling pent up and caged. Unable to get to release in a long while, I hadnot been vocal about my desires, and had had a slow day at work. Looking for a release to make the day have some sort of quick win. The feelings in my head were frustration and boredom. Once I started fantasizing and masturbating, the positive feelings started to wash over me. Excitement, thrill, ectasy and orgasm. Then it was a wave of guilt, as I reset some aspects of my progress, and I broke a promise to my wife to include her in on my sexual though and urges. After that I told her what I did and the anxiety I was feeling. That helped with the guilt and negative emotions.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2018 8:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3860
Location: UK
Hello Shm
I am in no way suggesting that you would

Quote:
Last time I acted out,

After that I told her what I did and the anxiety I was feeling. That helped with the guilt and negative emotions.


but please do not ever think that divulging after the event can be construed as a get out of jail card
what you need to do is work on the pre point of no return values and actions

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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