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PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2018 1:57 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Lesson 1 Exercises:
Consider where you are in terms of actively commiting yourself to change.
I am highly committed to my own mental and academic stimulation. I am always reading. I have never really, though made a full and complete attack on all fronts of my sexual addiction for a given length of time. That is, I’ve almost always been withholding some part of me from others, or keeping the proverbial cake in the back of the fridge, or the flask in my car, just in case. Too, I feel like I’m a bit one-dimensional in my relationships with other people. I’m afraid also of rocking the boat, and upsetting the life that I do have, as unsatisfying in many ways as it is.

Consider where you are in terms of not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change.
I can see I may have some more work to do in being able to power through and continue to work through my shame if and when it comes up. And also how to face some damn shame and loneliness and now to some upcoming regret at so much wasted time spent regarding both my life and my energy.

Consider where you are in terms of allowing yourself time to change.
I hate that it might take so much time, especially given that I am already 45, I also am afraid that I’ll have spent so much time acting out I’ll never have or enjoy a relationship with someone. I do also hear of stories on nofap of guys getting happy and “getting girls” 30 days in, and I guess I am also hoping for they say are the “superpowers” early on, whatever that may actually mean, if anything.

My Reasons to Permanently Change My Life.
My Top . . .
• I’m curious to see how far I could go in life without hanging on to my addiction, or my fears.
• I want to live a full unafraid life and go for it.
• I want a larger center of genuine nfluence within my own tribal network and social sphere.
• I want to spend more time in real life away from the phone, internet, and too many words (I write and edit for work, but also a lot for recreation/recovery).
And Other . . .
• I want to go after healthy physical intimacy, sex, and touch.
• I want greater financial independence.
• I want more intimacy and closeness, to be more vulnerable and honest around people.
• I want to date more again.
• I want healthy sex and to make love.
• I want to heal my joints (overcoming RSI in hands from excess typing/surfing porn/masturbation)
• I want to again be attractive enough that women notice me and sometimes make an approach when I’m not seeking or being “desperate.”
• I want to find a relationship with healthy blend of being mentor/rescue to someone vulnerable just when it comes to some new experiences or hobbies.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:50 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Vision for My Life Moving Forward
I am paying greater attention to that still, small Voice.
I have boundless energy throughout the day.
I have a thriving editing and publishing consulting business in which I edit, manage for, and advise authors on their writing projects 30 hours a week.
I have a good balance of life and work online and off.
I meet and can talk with anyone, including young women, comfortably and without the “creep factor” crossing my mind.
I am in a committed dating relationship with a woman and we are getting to know each other; we are physically intimate.
I am also more engaged socially, at least 2-3 times a week in fun social activity that doesn’t require outside prep and isn’t work related.
My joints are healthy. I am consistently at about 165 pounds, and keep up with active cardio.
I have a network of people with whom we share referrals, tips, and build each other toward our goals and creative projects.
I am involved in meditation and spirituality conversations and connections.
I am able to pay full rent and keep moving forward on my own life.
I spend much more time in nature and with friends to “soak off” the energy of working with so many words.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2018 1:02 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
VALUES BASED ON MY VISION
Intuition
Divine guidance
Connection with God
Connnection with the Universe
Mysteries
Spirituality
Mindfulness
The Divine
God/Spirit
Being Present
Being
Energy flow
Energy healing
Chi
Energy
Health
Vitality
Health
Stimulation
Intellectual stimulation
Constant learning
Research
Curiosity
Study
Life and life power
Achievement
Enthusiasm
Passion
Excitement
Life
Mind/body connection
Wellbeing
Wellness
Self-care
Balance
Mindfulness
Intimacy
To be needed
Vulnerability
Companionship
Sharing
Love
Accepting another
Connection
Tenderness
Touch
Physical pleasure
Pleasure
Being needed
Adding value
Connection
Connection with Nature
Fun
Excitement
Self-acceptance
Happiness
Relaxation
Recreation
Camaraderie
Friendship
Challenge
Personal growth
Pursuit of goals
Influencing others growth
Influence
Meaning
Connection over inner interests
Belonging
Financial independence
Life independence
Connection with nature
Exercise

Values from the darker side of the addiction
Control
The hunt
Possession
Never alone again
Being held and holding another
Shutting out pain
Total control
Pride
Conquest
Intimacy
Approval
Validation
Admiration
Companionship
Pride of ownership
Total pleasure
Rush of power
Euphoria
Physical closeness
Touch & companionship
Power
Payback
Being accepted
Being depended upon
Being liked
Rebellion
Possessing the innocent
Safety
Comfort
Relief
Love
Cure for all my problems
Longing
Affection (even if forced)
Secrecy
Being in on a secret
Power of secrecy
Power of secrecy at indulging in the taboo
Being a survivor
Recognition as authority in subject
Feeling sexually desired


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 2:00 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Lesson 4: Prioritizing Your Values

My Core Values
Divine connection and guidance
Influencing others’ growth
Recognition as authority in my field
Personal growth (for myself and others)
Financial independence
Study
Energy flow and healing
Connection with nature
Intimacy
Life balance
Bodily strength and health
Touch

Other
Sharing and intimacy
Being needed/Being supportive
Self-determination
Connection over inner interests
Companionship
Pleasure
Being a survivor
Cameraderie


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2018 7:12 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello Wave
welcome to RN

Quote:
I am highly committed to my own mental and academic stimulation.

:g:
however sex stimulates so are you committed to eradicate sex addiction?
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:23 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Hi Wavemonk,

Wavemonk wrote:
Vision for My Life Moving Forward
...


I'm liking the vision you have going here. It is not too specific nor too general. I feel like you have a good broad range that explores various parts of your life. Keep up the good work!

Cheers,
--River


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2018 5:33 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Lesson 6: Proactive Action Plans I

Proactive Action Plan: Divine Connection and Guidance
• Reading & meditation in New Age path (30-40 min)
• Seated closed-eye meditation (20 min)
• Yoga 3x/wk (15 min to start)

Proactive Action Plan: Recognition as Authority in my Field
Blogging and Newsletter writing
• Post blog entry every 2 weeks and start monthly newsletter by October this year (combined blog/newsletter digest)(Write roughly 20-30 min. daily)
• Rewriting website (then later overall rebranding for business)
• Attending new networking meetings (aim for one new every two weeks w/in 40 miles)
• Attend >2 ongoing networking meetings/wk.

Proactive Action Plan: Companionship
• Regularly plan core weekly fellowship meetings for both business and friendship goals
o Core Recovery and Social Connections
 Sun: Hike within 20-40 miles drive (look up on Friday and book for Sunday)
 Sun: 11-1230 pm goal setting Mastermind group (to be formed)
 Wed: Morning networking meeting
 Wed pm: Writing meetup at local coffee shop
 Thurs: SAA meeting 7:00 p.m.
 Sat AM: Fellowship Recovery breakfast (another member there has done at least part of RecoveryNation, and its guys committed to the partner style work here)
 Sat: Writing with friend/partner


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:12 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Lesson 6: Proactive Action Plans I

Proactive Action Plan: Divine Connection and Guidance
• Reading & meditation in New Age path (30-40 min)
• Seated closed-eye meditation (20 min)
• Yoga 3x/wk (15 min to start)

Proactive Action Plan: Recognition as Authority in my Field
Blogging and Newsletter writing
• Post blog entry every 2 weeks and start monthly newsletter by October this year (combined blog/newsletter digest)(Write roughly 20-30 min. daily)
• Rewriting website (then later overall rebranding for business)
• Review my network list daily to make new connections/suggest articles/new connections/referrals
• Attending new networking meetings (aim for one new every two weeks w/in 40 miles)
• Attend >2 ongoing networking meetings/wk.

Proactive Action Plan: Influencing Others Growth
• Take time to review my contacts’ primary goals/mission, and their ideal connections, and send articles, connections, ideas their way as available (i.e. hear of two people writing the same type of book, or interest in forming networking around the same kind of author)(15 min day? To start?)

Proactive Action Plan: Companionship
• Regularly plan core weekly fellowship meetings for both business and frienship goals
o Core Recovery and Social Connections
 Sun: Hike within 20-40 miles drive (look up on Friday and book for Sunday)
 Sun: 11-1230 pm goal setting Mastermind group (to be formed)
 Wed: Morning networking meeting
 Wed pm: Writing meetup at local coffee shop
 Thurs: SAA meeting 7:00 p.m.
 Sat AM: Fellowship Recovery breakfast (another member there has done at least part of RecoveryNation, and its guys committed to the partner style work here)
 Sat: Writing with friend/partner

Proactive Action Plan: Bodily Strength & Health
• Practice <15 min yoga <3x/wk
• Run/jog long path by the apartment 3x/wk

Proactive Action Plan: Energy Flow and Healing
• Pay attention to internal guidance for postures during yoga

Proactive Action Plan: Financial Independence
• Update pencil spending record/day, items spent that day
• Attend weekly Business Debtors Anonymous Meeting in-person
• Update/keep Spending Record Daily/Weekly, up to date

Proactive Action Plan: Connection with Nature
• As with bodily strength, run/jog long path 3x/wk
• Hike Sunday mornings, as above

Proactive Action Plan: Touch
• At DA or SAA meetings, or breakfast, hugs wherever natural and appropriate
• Maybe try one new Meetup a week that’s just for fun?, not sure what else

Proactive Action Plan: Life Balance
• Sundays, plan out the week by goal areas
• Fridays, empty out inboxes and update plans using David Allen’s GTD system

Personal Growth (for myself and others)
• Work on weekly planning and some long-term goal setting, on Sundays, planning on my own
• Start and continue with a Sunday goal-setting Mastermind group for motivation and resource sharing for personal goals, possibly build a group to 3-4 people.
• Share articles, tips, and resources, as with encouraging others’ development, above.

Study
• Read and implement self- and skill development reading as it directly applies to goals and plans I am working on each week
• Read a book every couple of weeks in general interest, like bestsellers, or history
Self-Determination
• What is the process by which I control my life?
• Create to-do list every day
• Check in on weekly goals
• Keep personal daily, weekly, and monthly plans updated and in alignment
• Packing backpack daily for the work to be done on to-do list

Sexual contact
• Spend some time each week messaging women with common interests for first date, to get to meet?

Sharing and intimacy
• As with some of the above, try connecting with online dating on some first messages with women where there are common interests.
• As with ____ above, try going to different meetup groups, and try to share things deeeper than book, work, movies, reading, etc. i.e be a bit more vulnerable . . .

Being needed/Being supportive
• Be open to looking for ways to be a mentor or supporter to someone, perhaps through networking, or building Sunday Mastermind group?

Pleasure
• Moderate caffeine and sugar intake during the week, and perhaps allow an indulgence once a week, with some kind of dessert or other I haven’t tried before.

Cameraderie
• Get involved in groups that lead to informal get-togethers with 5-6 other people who have common interest but meet outside the group: fellowship. As above, spend time weekly checking out Meetups and trying new groups.

Being a Survivor
• Share parts of my story when it would be of help, and not just because I’m trying to pull a “Me Too!” in conversation around recovery sharing.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:44 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Lesson 10

This exercise is a bit overwhelming, so going to break it down and post in stages.
I have friends at a Saturday breakfast fellowship, all of whom have done SAA, and some have also worked Recovery Nation. The first friend I’ll call Tim.
What I haven’t told Todd (Tim):
- I’ve gone on Backpage imitation site and chatted/texted with whom I at first thought were three to five young women on seperate listings looking for hookup arrangement. They directed me to third party site for credit card input . . . “to make sure you’re 18.” The site was fraudulent, and I had to have debit card replaced.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 3:56 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
LESSON TEN – PART 1

I. What lies or secrets have you been keeping in regards to your addiction? What would be the risk in disclosing?
Porn Tube Sites, and Youtube
I’ve watched hours of porn on regular major tube sites. My go to themes have been rape, schoolgirl, home invasion, japanese schoogirl tutor, incest, panties, and teen webcam sites.
Also, on Youtube, over time, I came to seek out darker themes, including trafficking, and some snuff. Most of the snuff looked fake, but there have been some where I’m not so sure.
Massage ads and hookup sites I’ve also looked at, including Craigslist-style. The ads are for a variety of listings: massage, oil massage, asian massage with happy endings, “friends with benefits,” “hookup,” and more. Over the last six months, I think I spent something like 15-30 minutes a day, 3-5 days a week browsing and responding to such ads, and a few times I also tried making contact with some of the girls listed, creating dedicated email and web phone number for texting. With a few contacts, they would say they were interested in getting together without really even meeting first, just needed credit card age verification, the site for which charged a membership for which I had to get a new debit card to make sure it wasn’t recurring and that charge was reversed.
Oogling: I’ve been watching and fantasizing porn scenarios out of coffee shops where some high school/college age girls come for fraps. Years ago, I would watch girls and fantasize while at the park. In our apartment laundry room, too, I’d gaze at women’s underwear left on the counter, or gaze at dryer to try to catch glimpse.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 3:12 pm 
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Posts: 18
II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.


I am not dating at the moment, and am not sure how I would do a full disclosure at the moment. For the time being, I am thinking that after the third date, perhaps, I would mention that I’ve had some challenges around dating and intimacy in the past, and that I’m interested in taking things slow. And if we’ve started or are about to become more physically intimate, then to talk more in-depth about specific behaviors with the idea of becoming more interested in perhaps becoming more exclusive (i.e. only seeing each other?).


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully commited to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.
I am not currently working with a sponsor, coach, or therapist.


Last edited by Wavemonk on Mon Jul 30, 2018 3:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 3:27 pm 
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IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.
My primary email account continues to receive 5-6 erotica spam ads I often click on. This is the only “stash” item I have at the moment. In my history, I’ve bought and kept toys, magazines, flash drives, and DVDs; I have none of these at the moment.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 4:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:06 am
Posts: 18
Lesson 10
V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.
(Note: all names of people and places changed for anonymity)
Huang: Woman at chinese massage parlor 15-20 miles away (Oxnard). After massage, engaged in fellatio and some intercourse. (100.00)
Marie: Woman at Thai massage parlor downtown. Used her for masturbation, and fondled her. (100.00)
Tasha W.: Used her for my own gratification without her active consent
Perry N.: Used her for my own gratification without her active consent
Carrie L.: Used her for my own gratification without her active consent
18-24 year olds on OKCupid.com, Plentyoffish.com. Obsessed over, surfed profiles, and liked some without attempting to truly connect.
Barb: Occasionally objectifed her in fantasy when we’ve been together. We’ve been platonic friends for 16 years, with no “dating chemistry,” just connection over books, movies, writing, and mutual friends with whom we get together.
Young teen girls sitting together at coffee shop: Ran “young lesbian couple” porn tapes in my head while hearing them talk.
Young girls at local beaches: Objectified and visualized porn scenes in my head while passing by.
Local barristas: Talked with with a bit of flirtation. Read about picking up barristas by dating, and “tried” a few lines with them. Hoping to “flirt” with them.
High school classmates on Facebook: Looked up girls I had crushes on in high school and saw how they looked today. Never contacted.
Japanese girls on the web: Hundreds of young women online over the years who act out scenes wearing japanese “sailor suit” outfit.
Any of thousands of young women in porn imagery I’ve acted out to over the years.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 5:07 pm 
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VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.
Parking lot behind and around major bookstore.
Bedroom and bed.
Living room.
Parking lot by cell phone store.
Creek by the dry river bed (high school years).
Asian Care Center, massage parlor.
A+ Massage.
Star Books and News.
The Adult Store.
House in high school home town.
Hotel room in Hawaii, with call girl.
In car in other parking lots (masturbation).
Father’s apartment den.
Father’s apartment living room.
Stepfather’s computer in living room.
Sister’s TV in living room in another state.


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