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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 7:36 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
I want to recover and change for me. I've gone through too much pain and guilt and shame and I need it to change, and I now know that I need to to make my recovery my priority. I have tried to recover through other means before, but I haven't succeeded, and I know that I need to be actively wanting to change and doing it every day

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I have to learn how to forgive myself and learn to move on from my past and I will not let my guilt and shame drag me down into those terrible patterns and situation and addiction that cause me even more guilt and shame.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
Healing takes time and I understand that I need to give myself time to go through the process to get to the healthy place.


B.
I want to be honest and transparent with myself, my friends and my family
I want to be a good brother and set a good example for my younger sibling
I want to be transparent and honest and build true intimacy with my girlfriend
I want to feel genuine happiness that isn't masked and blurred by my addiction
I want to connect with people at a much deeper level
I want to be financially responsible and spend money on my passions rather than my addictions
Healing my compulsions would make me feel that I have more integrity and can be genuine with others
I want to use my time to explore more of my creative side and learn new hobbies
I want to have more time and energy to work on myself physically through exercise
I want to learn to manage life's stresses in healthy and positive ways and have good coping mechanisms
In my career, I want to be a good manager and mentor who is respected and a good leader and role model


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 6:46 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello NTC
and welcome (finally ) to RN
Quote:
actively committing yourself to change
I want to recover and change for me. I've gone through too much pain and guilt and shame and I need it to change, and I now know that I need to to make my recovery my priority. I have tried to recover through other means before, but I haven't succeeded, and I know that I need to be actively wanting to change and doing it every day


this is reflected in the gap between you joining and this your first post
I am not suggesting that you did not commit to recovery in the interim, only you know that
Nor am I suggesting that this programme is a solve all fix
It is a tool and it helped me
I committed and if you do so then you should attain your goal

if you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:08 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Thank you for your encouraging words coach Kenzo. I will dedicate time for this every day and trust in the process.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:37 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
My vision for life:

I live a life with integrity, honesty and without regret. I want to be a good son, a great brother and a good boyfriend; someone they can depend on and trust. I want to devote myself to building an intimate, good life with my girlfriend and a home where i can someday be a good father to my kids.
I want to be unselfish and contribute back to my community and help those I can. I
want to be a good manager and a good leader who can deal with stresses in healthy positive ways and have a good productive career.
I choose to make my family proud and never feel the need to hide anything from them.

I choose to rebuild my relationship with God. I choose to become emotionally mature and deal with life's stresses in positive and productive ways. I want to devote my life to pursuing positive, creative adventures that truly fulfill me as opposed to leaving me empty inside


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 9:43 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
This is just a note to myself that even though I haven't posted my exercises in a while I am still sober and still working on this. It's been about 19 days on this journey and I will keep going. Work and life have been busy but my recovery is my focus. It is still my priority. I will not give up


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 8:24 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello NtC
remember saying
Quote:
I will dedicate time for this every day and trust in the process.



followed by
Quote:
This is just a note to myself that even though I haven't posted my exercises in a while I am still sober and still working on this. It's been about 19 days on this journey and I will keep going. Work and life have been busy but my recovery is my focus. It is still my priority. I will not give up

:pe:

the process needs continuity
without it you will fail
being sober does not constitute recovery recovery needs more than sobriety
RN can and does provide a proven well trodden road map, but it can only ever be a guide
the commitment and work needs to be from you and yes life can be and is busy but as addicts we all always found time to act out

please take this comment as being positive demonstrate your worth to yourself

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 8:42 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
I just had one of the worst relapses of my life and I know i should have done more. I obviously was not committed enough to my recovery and kept making excuses for my disease.

I am in so much pain and angst. It's nothing like ever before. I cannot sleep, can barely eat, I've hit rock bottom.

I know better now and will be restarting my RN workshop. Please lend me your support.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 9:12 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 179
needtochange19 wrote:
I just had one of the worst relapses of my life and I know i should have done more. I obviously was not committed enough to my recovery and kept making excuses for my disease.

I am in so much pain and angst. It's nothing like ever before. I cannot sleep, can barely eat, I've hit rock bottom.

I know better now and will be restarting my RN workshop. Please lend me your support.


Hi Needtochange19,

Kenzo said to you in April 19
Quote:
the process needs continuity
without it you will fail
being sober does not constitute recovery recovery needs more than sobriety
RN can and does provide a proven well trodden road map, but it can only ever be a guide
the commitment and work needs to be from you and yes life can be and is busy but as addicts we all always found time to act out

please take this comment as being positive demonstrate your worth to yourself


And he is completely right!

You have to want to stop and fully commit to it, RN is no doubt the best place to make a healthy recovery.
You will have all the support you can get on here, but we cannot recover for you.
I would agree with you saying "restart" and go right back to lesson 1.
If you are having any problems or just want to ask something, post it in the "Community Support Forum: Recovery"

I wish you all the best going forward!

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 11:03 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 1
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
I recognize now what actively committing myself to change means. I cannot get complacent. I need to work my recovery into a routine and give it the continuity that it needs. I need to really and truly put aside emotions and do this for myself. Not because of the consequences but because I want to change and have control of my life in every aspect, especially given my addiction.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
This is a hard one for me as I am already feeling the pull of the comfort that watching porn or my other behaviours have, and it is making me feel guilty and ashamed. The thoughts and memories of my last relapse are circling me, making me feel horrible, but I cannot let that fuel my need for recovery. I am committing to learn these tools towards a healthy life, and I shouldn't allow my shame to sabotage that.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
Healing takes time and I truely understand that I need to give myself continuous time to go through the process to get to the healthy place. Even when I start "feeling better" I need to keep taking the time to work through my recovery and this workshop

My motivations and reasons why I want to change are still very much the same. I have made few modifications to the below:
B.
I want to be honest and transparent with myself, my friends and my family
I want to be a good brother and set a good example for my younger sibling
I want to be transparent and honest and build true intimacy with my partner
I want to feel genuine happiness that isn't masked and blurred by my addiction
I want to connect with people at a much deeper level
I want to be financially responsible and spend money on my passions rather than my addictions
Healing my compulsions would make me feel that I have more integrity and can be genuine with others
I want to use my time to explore more of my creative side and learn new hobbies
I want to have more time and energy to work on myself physically through exercise
I want to learn to manage life's stresses in healthy and positive ways and have good coping mechanisms
In my career, I want to be a good manager and mentor who is respected and a good leader and role model
I want to have the tools to be able to make every decision for myself deliberately, rather than reactively
I want to feel good about myself and my actions and decisions in life

C.
I found a photo of myself, probably around age 2 or 3, so innocent with a huge smile on my face. This child never wanted this...never wanted to be addicted. Never wanted to feel such pain and now I will work hard to make it right. Make this child proud of who I am and who I will become.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 12:01 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 2:
My vision for life:

When I picture my life ahead, I know that I want to be a family man. The vision I had crafted previously has not changed. I want to be someone my family and my partner and I can all be proud of.
I want to live a life with integrity, honesty and without regret. I want to be a good son, a great brother and a good life partner; someone they can depend on and trust.
I want to devote myself to building an intimate, good life with my girlfriend and a home where I can someday be a good father to my kids.
I want to be unselfish and contribute back to my community and help those I can. I
want to be a good manager and a good leader who can deal with stresses in healthy positive ways and have a good productive career. I want to work towards being financially stable and responsible.
I want to make my family proud and never feel the need to hide anything from them.

I choose to rebuild my spirituality. I choose to become emotionally mature and deal with life's stresses in positive and productive ways. I want to spend my time pursuing physical fitness as well as positive, creative adventures that truly fulfill me as opposed to leaving me empty inside


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 10:04 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 3:

Self/ Purpose
Self- Respect
Living with integrity
Living with compassion
Living a life without regrets
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Being an inspiration to others
Developing intellectual depth - continuously learning
Being playful
Staying active
Being dependable
Being reliable
Working as part of a team - at work, at home and during recreational sports
Transparency
Humbleness
Sense of humor
Sense of responsibility
Being considerate of others
Being considerate of myself
Taking care of myself - mentally and physically
Living an adventurous life
Being loved by others
Being challenged; overcoming challenges
Developing emotional maturity
Establishing financial freedom - stability and responsibility
Experiencing fatherhood
Establishing a partnership w/someone
Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
Pursuing Physical health
Looking good in my own eyes
Physical pleasure
Sexual intimacy
Sexual contact
Feeling sexually desired
Feeling appreciated
Feeling empowered
Passionate about life
Being validated by others
Being respected
Being judged trustworthy
Feeling unconditional love
Indulging in creative inspiration, development
Developing patience
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Connecting to my own feelings
Being Resourceful
Establishing my legacy
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Adaptability
Financial stability
Personal independence
Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
Staying Curious
Being able to be vulnerable
Building things
Feeling happy and content
Comfort
Bringing joy to others

Family
Strengthening my role as a partner to Rachel
Strengthening my role as a brother to Sheek
Strengthening my role as a son to my parents
Strengthening my role as a close friend to M, M and
Putting other’s needs before my own
Being a role model for my family
Being a role model for others
Developing sustained friendships
Encouraging my life partner's independence
Be a good companion and have companionship
Being faithful
Being dependable

Professional
Providing quality in my work
Being respected as a professional by others - growing my career
Being a leader

Spiritual
Showing appreciation towards others
Being charitable, giving
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Praying/ reciting one mantra at least once every
Loving others
Being a mentor
Seeking wisdom
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance

Dark side values
Some of the values that went into my negative decision making are good values taken to the extreme. I am listing them below
Living without any regrets
Taking risks
Experiencing euphoria
Being wanted/desired/ seen as having lots of sexual appeal
Power
Being in Control
Wanting to experience the forbidden
Comfort/ familiarity
Self indulgence
Work hard, play hard
Experiencing fun/ blowing off steam


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 7:25 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 4. Prioritized Values

Taking care of myself - mentally and physically
Establishing financial freedom - stability and responsibility
Living with integrity
Strengthening my role as a partner to Rachel
Strengthening my role as a brother to Sheek
Strengthening my role as a son to my parents
Being an inspiration to others
Developing intellectual depth - continuously learningBeing challenged; overcoming challengesOvercoming/surviving personal struggles
Pursuing Physical health
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Loving others
Transparency
Humbleness
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Being playful
Staying active
Being dependable
Being reliable
Developing patience
Connecting to my own feelings
Being Resourceful
Establishing my legacy
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Adaptability
Strengthening my role as a close friend to M, M and B
Being a role model for my family
Being a role model for others
Developing sustained friendships
Encouraging my life partner's independence
Be a good companion and have companionship
Being faithful
Providing quality in my work
Being respected as a professional by others - growing my career
Being a leader
Showing appreciation towards others
Being charitable, giving
Praying/ reciting one mantra at least once every
Being a mentor
Seeking wisdom
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
Putting other’s needs before my own
Financial stability
Personal independence
Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
Staying Curious
Being able to be vulnerable
Building things
Feeling happy and content
Comfort
Bringing joy to others
Establishing a partnership w/someone
Looking good in my own eyes
Physical pleasure
Sexual intimacy
Sexual contact
Feeling sexually desired
Feeling appreciated
Feeling empowered
Passionate about life
Being validated by others
Being respected
Being judged trustworthy
Feeling unconditional love
Indulging in creative inspiration, development
Self- Respect
Living with compassion
Living a life without regrets
Working as part of a team - at work, at home and during recreational sports
Sense of humor
Sense of responsibility
Being considerate of others
Being considerate of myself
Living an adventurous life
Being loved by others
Developing emotional maturity
Experiencing fatherhood

Dark side values
Comfort/ familiarity
Living without any regrets
Taking risks
Being wanted/desired/ seen as having lots of sexual appeal
Power
Being in Control
Experiencing euphoria


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 7:43 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 5:

top 15 Prioritized values that represent me and want to use for my primary decision making

Taking care of myself - mentally and physically
Establishing financial freedom - stability and responsibility
Living with integrity
Strengthening my role as a partner to Rachel
Strengthening my relationship with my family (parents and sister)
Developing intellectual depth - continuously learning
Pursuing Physical health/ fitness
Being reliable
Being respected as a professional by others - growing my career
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Loving others
Being playful
Sexual gratification
Living an adventurous life
Showing appreciation towards others


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2020 10:50 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 6: Proactive Action Plans 1

Pursuing Physical health/ fitness
    Go Rock Climbing at least once a week
    Do another evening of physical activity (long walk, badminton, volleyball) for another night a week
    Try to limit take out/ fast food to only 3 meals a week

Establishing financial freedom - stability and responsibility
    Save a bigger portion of every paycheck
    Reduce my day to day spending

Showing appreciation towards others
    Be more mindful of whenever I am collaborating with/ doing activities with others
    Show gratitude to my family and friends more regularly
    Recognize when others help me and give them thanks


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:12 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:52 pm
Posts: 12
Lesson 7: Proactive action plans (first set of deeper plans)

Taking care of myself - mentally and physically
Taking care of my mental health
- Keep seeing a therapist regularly
- Keep attending online meetings, atleast once weekly
- Reading more books for entertainment
- Doing activities that make me happy
- Learn a new hobby and keep DJ-ing

Taking care of my physical health
- Staying physically active (Similar plan as pursuing physical health)
- Going for more walks
- Eating healthier as much as I can

Living with integrity
- Being completely honest with myself about my thoughts and actions
- Being completely honest with my partner
- Only do things that I would be ok with telling other (especially my parents/ family about). i.e. if I wouldn't feel comfortable telling them, then I shouldn't do it (especially in context of addictive behaviours)

Strengthening my role as a partner to Rachel
- Making more us time
- Talking to her more often
- Being more supportive whenever I can about her anxieties
- Supporting her in her goals
- Doing more of the activities that she enjoys doing together (yoga, hikes etc..)
- Showing more love through words and being present in the moment when we're together and talking
- Express myself and my emotions to her honestly and openly
- Develop more sexual intimacy and enjoy the moment/ stay in the moment as opposed to letting my mind wander

Strengthening my relationship with my family (parents and sister)
- Message sister atleast every other day
- Be more present when spending time with parents
- Be more understanding of mom and dad's feelings, concerns, anxieties
- Do more activities with mom and dad/ with family
- Help with chores more often
- Be more honest and open with mom, dad and sis
-
Developing intellectual depth - continuously learning
- Read at least one educational article every week
- Keep improving my skills and knowledge base for work
- Watch documentary shows

Being reliable
- Be honest about my own skills and realistic about what I commit to
- When I commit to something, follow through with it
- Be there for the people I care about and follow through
- Don't over promise
- Be reliable towards myself too

Loving others
- Showing my emotions to my partner, family and friends spontaneously and regularly
- Making more of an effort to reach out to people, old and new friends, check in
- Showing more gratitude towards the people in my life

Being playful
- Keeping my humour healthy and positive. Not losing the essence of myself
- Telling jokes when appropriate and sharing my love for life and fun things
- Continuing to be playful with Rachel


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