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 Post subject: Lows
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 10:21 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
My wife and I have been struggling greatly over my objectification rituals and large mutual misunderstandings. I think we finally came to understand that though I am likely to always notice if a woman is attractive or not, and though my wife will always be disgusted by my having acquired the skill to use that attraction to create a rush through a ritual, that, maybe, we do both have the same goals in terms of me learning to shrug off any such attractions and eliminate any real effect on my emotions from any attraction. But, this discussion was long, painful, and tiring. Afterwards, I felt significantly depressed. My depression latched onto the next lesson which I had read earlier today and which makes me think that I've been missing an essential ingredient to my recovery that I should have been working on for the last month. I was able to use this disappointment to beat down my emotions to a real good low. Later, after cleaning our apartment and eating lunch, we went down to town to have some iced teas and read our books. While reading, I saw a waitress out of the corner of my eye and followed her with my eyes for like a second before she walked out of my view. During this second, I felt an intense focus on watching her and was undoubtedly starting a ritual. This is further than I usually let things get before stopping them and I'm tempted to think that my extremely low emotional state motivated me to make the decision to do that. After that, I was more diligent to avoid any repetition of such a lapse but I had also managed to drop my mood to an even lower state. My wife, of course, sensed this state and asked me about it as we were going home. Enter confession. Another ritual to alter my emotional state. But, also to withhold information would assault the values of integrity, honesty, and rebuilding trust between us. I think I managed to describe things with much less embelishments than usual and she took it much more calmly than usual, but the effect was there anyhow: her mood was lowered and mine was relieved. This is a real mess and my therapist has pointed out that I seem to bring suffering into my relationships. Someone must always be suffering me or the other person. I don't know the reason for this post. Just I'm trying to be more aware of my emotions and my values and the conflicts and stresses in my life and how I'm not handling them the way I want to.

 Post subject: Exercise 32
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 10:30 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.

Color me stupid :oops: My progress is that I've been waiting for the lesson that will tell me what to do with my action plans. I should have realized that I was just meant to act on them. Nothing was supposed to last on my daily monitoring for more than a few days and I didn't realize to put new things on when I finished all the old. So, mostly I've just been feeling crappy for a few months without all my major rituals and no progress on my values. I feel so stupid that I wasted all this time where I could have been making more progress. :x

OK, after review I do have some progress. I just need to take responsibility to start doing more now.

Review of progress on action plans:
1 - Intimacy/connectedness with wife: mixed
2 - Appreciating nature: NO
4 - Excellence in my work: GOOD
5 - Joy to wife: GOOD
6 - Simple pleasures: mixed
8 - Integrity: mixed, GOOD but need to separate "confession"
9 - See new things: GOOD
10 - Feeling needed, desired, appreciated, and loved: mixed
11 - Excercise & Health: NO
12 - Healthy sexuality: mixed, I still shy away from sex

 Post subject: Exercise 34
PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 12:03 pm 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
A. Example of "Immediate Gratification" principle

When I was 30, I began flirting with a co-worker's married daughter. I kept escalating the flirtation, and, eventually, she offered to have sex with me. I felt that it was wrong, but initiated a several month sexual relationship with her anyway because it felt so very exciting. I didn't think any about the stress not having sex with her would have caused, but maybe that I have had strong feelings of regret over past missed opportunities for sex, that, too, is a parallel to the example given in the exercise.

B. Describe anxiety when you are trying NOT to act out sexually

This one is tough. I think the reason is because I've substituted other compulsive behaviour for my sexual behaviour. When I'm experiencing the desire to "confess" noticing attractive women (e.g., from beginning a scanning ritual or from always scanning, or whatever I'm always doing in public). I feel a very strong emotion. It's like it blooms up out of my stomach and fills me with a pressure, with the feeling of a burden that I am bad, unholy. If I just "confess" to my wife (and bring her almost consistently pain), I know my burden will be relieved instantly. OK, I know this is about sexual compulsion, this exercise, but writing it down I can't help but think that I have to deal with this compulsion from my hyper-religious past. It's like I'm making my wife a substitute for Jesus and trying to lay my burdens at the cross.

The sexual compulsion anxiety is similar (but slightly less strong?). I feel full of nervous energy and that I "need" to have a successful acting out to "achieve peace."

C. Describe feeling engaged in a sexual compulsion

When I look at/lust for/memorize women, it does feel like a trance, like an extreme focus. To someone else in my head, it would fill like all the chaos of the forest of thoughts, like all other stimuli became very subdued and there is a single not "thought" but focus. Anybody ever read Robert Jordan? It's like the void and the flame. Like if I had that kind of focus when trying to do a sport, then there'd be no way in the world I'd miss.

Last edited by Ezekiel on Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Exercise 33
PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:40 pm 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
Day 1
- Felt awkward in response to my wife and I trying again to be intimate in sex: mild
- Frustrated in response to distractions and lack of progress at work: moderate
- Disappointment in response to missing talk:moderate
- Anxiety in response to worrying about patterns in noticing co-workers: moderate
- Anger, rage, righteous indignation in response to transparency over "patterns" going wrong: very strong
- Disappointment/depression in response to wife not agreeing to instant gratification of dinner & a movie: strong

Day 2
- Happy in response to work going well: strong
- Shame in response to laughing at my co-worker: mild
- Fear in response to driving again after 5 months and in the dark: moderate
- Anxiety in response to anticipating transparency; guilt/shame in response to noticing women and experiencing the anger/resentment of my wife: moderate-to-strong

Day 3
- Worry/anxiety in response to physical condition: moderate
- Resentment in response to being reminded of past mistakes: moderate
- Depression in response to wife's judgement of past desires: moderate
- Resignation in response to emotional response to stranger and transparency event that triggers: moderately strong
- Righteous indignation in response to wife's anger/hurt: moderately strong
- Frustration in response to being accused that I don't love my wife or only feel "pity love": moderate
- Compassion in response to remembering that memorial for wife's uncle's husband is today and I did not take care of my wife at all: moderate
- Regret in response to realizing I did not take care of my wife's mourning: strong

After this, I quit the exercise for 2 whole days. 1 Day because I was trying to focus on my wife (a $ short and a day late) and the next day just because I quit forgetting. The first 3 days were very insightful unless I am making a mistake in understanding myself now. I have been wondering why I don't feel all this strong anxiety about giving up my sexually compulsive behaviour. I think now the reason is because I have been completely leaning on another compulsive, destructive behaviour. I have been using transparency to engage in a confession ritual. Deciding not to engage in this ritual is extremely anxiety provoking. This make a huge mess though, because it means I can't handle being transparent right now without using it to hurt my wife and she can't trust me right now without it but I think my recovery is being held up by my engaging in this other compulsive behaviour.

TODO: ideas for RP emotions, phobias
I can't do it, though. Can't role play and make myself feel the extremes, but I can remember them. If I'm really considering that there might be a possibility to go in a cave, ride in a hot air balloon, or donate blood. I feel really strong fear. It's so strong that I panic at the thought of being in that situation. I embarrass myself by running out of the entrance tunnel on a mine tour, I nearly faint at the thought of taking my wife on a balloon or going for a blood test/blood donation. I have never actually passed out, but I often run away from the situation. This fear emotion is definitely stronger than any compulsion to act out.

 Post subject: Exercise 35
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:49 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
Weekly Monitoring
A. Emotional balance
I'm doing last 10 days for this as I had another interruption in my workshop. I was very unbalanced coming into this week: almost daily experiencing strong anger, anxiety, depression, etc. Over the last 5 days, we've cut out our daily "transparency" confessions. This is scary because it's a big compromise from my wife's boundaries, but I'm not sure whether or not she just has a compulsion to control my recovery. It puts a much bigger burden on me as I have no one to daily confess to if I look at a woman's breasts for a second. But, I think it has increased my stability. There's no off-loading of guilt and then super anxiety when another 'noticing' happens. I still have anxiety, I still have anger emotions (we're traveling with co-workers now and it's not so fun) and depression, but I think they're a little less strong and don't seem to last so long.

B. Stimulants
Food is #1 I think, some little from computer gaming but that's limited to like an hour/day now....So maybe work vies with food for #1. A little bit from music. I do not think any from intimacy nor health.

C. Progress/Regress on TOP 15
1 - Connection with wife: lost the security compulsive confessions was giving us, have not replaced it with anything healthy yet
2 - Nature: only on 1 day
3 - Music: doing a little
4 - Work excellence: fairly good
5 - Joy to wife: middling
6 - Simple pleasures: could do a little more
7 - Accomplishment: almost nothing
8 - Integrity: moving forward in taking more responsibility, this is one to watch
9 - New Things: nada, should do something this week
10 - Accepting love/appreciation: no longer instant rejection, more work needed
11 - Fitness: only on 1 day
12 - Sexuality: only tried once
13 - Professional respect: turned down opportunity because of addiction fears and lack of progress for last 9 months at work
14 - Considerate: no progress

 Post subject: Exercise 36
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:20 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

During my last years in college and for a couple afterwards, I stayed in a relationship with a young woman even though I did not want to be in it.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

Should the situation ever arise (as unlikely as it is, it featured prominently in my fantasies) that someone propositions me, having the boundary of stating my love for my wife and refusing will protect all the values on my marriage relationship.

 Post subject: Exercise 37
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:53 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
List three of your highest values and at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect each value.

Establishing intimacy/connectedness with my wife
1 - I will not confess minor and irrelevant details to my wife in order to alleviate my anxiety in exchange for creating her pain.
2 - I will not lead a secret-double life: any actions or indulgent thoughts will be shared openly and honestly.
3 - I will not engage my wife affectionately if I can't keep other women out of my thoughts.
4 - I will not use fear of thinking about women to avoid being affectionate with my wife.
5 - I will reserve the right to end sex without feeling guilty or embarrassed, if I feel it's not fostering a connection.

Bringing joy to my wife
1 - I will not go along with plans while secretly not wanting to.
2 - I will not shirk daily/weekly chores because I don't feel like it.
3 - I will voice complimentary thoughts to her whenever I am truly thinking them
4 - I will take care of my wife's needs whenever I can
5 - I will think about what my wife likes and give her small surprises

Striving for excellence in my work
1 - I will not work on any project for over a month without conferring with a colleage.
2 - I will back off of any project which does not provide promising, publishable results in 2 months.
3 - I will not spend more than 3 days in a row on a seemingly dead-end task
4 - I will make a commitment to weekly reading
5 - I will circulate a manuscript at least once every 3 months

Absolute boundaries
Absolute boundary #1: I will take no actions that I cannot openly tell my wife about.

Absolute boundary #2: I will not be deceitful in my personal life, will seek to avoid it in my professional life, and not do it just for convenience to governments, companies, or other evil entities.

Absolute boundary #3: I will not be physically aggressive or violent with my self, my friends, nor with my family. I will seek to avoid violent situations with strangers.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 5:19 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?

The value is connectedness with my my wife.

The first situation is a temptation: to purchase pornography, to visit a strip club, to have an opportunity with another woman, whatever. The boundary is "take no actions can't tell wife about." This is fine for the first two, but if another woman was more aggressive this would not be sufficient. So, I've modified the boundary to be "take no actions (or inactions)..."

The second situation I thought of is one I frequently encounter. Some minor "slip" is taken, glancing at a woman's cleavage for a fraction of a second, remembering some compulsive sex from my past, seeing a poster add that I find exciting. The boundary is "no compulsive confession of the minor & irrelevant." I think this boundary works here because if such an event is the exception rather than the rule, it would be all or nothing thinking to conclude that my recovery is jeapordized but I can still get caught in a guilt-cycle especially if I have been making the habit of confessing these small things. It also seems that when I give up the compulsive confessions, these events are less frequent and more importantly seem to affect (stimulate) me less.

 Post subject: Weekly monitoring
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:52 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
overall emotional balance
It has been much longer than a week. I've had some pretty strong feelings of emotional imbalance after engaging in a confession ritual. Over the past several days I've felt more balanced but also isolated.

Awareness of stimulants
Over the past several days my primary stimulant has been cheap 80's fantasy novels. It has also been tempting to engage in sexual fantasy.

Progress report

Top 5

- connectedness with my wife, intimacy, etc.
poor we did manage to be sexual a couple of times over the past weeks and spend one day doing fun things together but I don't feel very connected

- providing for my wife's needs: acknowledgment, etc.
poor I did take her some place new this month, but I've been too wrapped up in my self or in avoidance to provide for her

- friendship
dismal I have no friends.

- relaxation
OK I have been reading, i listened to music for 1 hour this week. I feel very stressed still and should put more focus.

- excelling at work
not so good I seem to be stuck with the current project, need to get the paper done and start other things. Probably NOT in that order

Top 10

- music
dismal I have not been practising at all

- being outside
poor I have not done anything on this front.

- integrity & self-esteem
OK This is a struggle that needs improvement. I have dreams and feel guilty over them but don't share that with my wife.

- having a healthy sexuality
poor But I hope the most recent workshop lesson I have read will start me down the path.

- fitness
dismal Nothing for like a month, finally went running for a little while this morning.


- accepting love, praise, etc.
not too good I'm not outright rejecting things but I'm still not listening.

Overall I would say I have not been working toward my values nor achieving emotional satisfaction. This is likely the reason why I feel more tempted sometimes to sexually fantasize. At the same time, I feel like the habitual part of my objectifying has improved. I don't think I'm seeing people "as people" more but I'm just not emotionally responding to them "as objects" like I was before - I have arrived at more of an indefirence.

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:51 am 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values

I know this says current,but for me the exercise is a little more do-able if I allow the list to contain historical values. If nothing else, having them there when I come to future steps will help ensure they are gone.

- A person's (mine, others) worth is to a large degree based on attractiveness or sexiness
- Sexy women deserve to have me masturbate for them
- I am insecure about the size of my penis
- The quality of my erection is directly linked to my sexual worth
- Sexual worth is the core worth of people
- My worth is determined by the number and attractiveness of my partners
- I need to make my partner orgasm for sex to be successful
- If a romantic partner won't have sex with me, there's something wrong with the relationship
- The more frequent and bigger my orgasms, the better I am
- There is no age limit with romantic love
- Women (should) get excited at the sight of my genitals
- My sex drive is unusually strong
- It is not okay to fake orgasms
- It is my wife's duty to sexually satisfy me
- I do not like performing oral sex except with a "new" partner
- Other sexual acts do not count as much as intercourse
- I should get as much oral sex as I can
- I should get as many partners as I can
- Women dress provacitively to be oogled -- they just want attention from "better" men than I
- Being sexually aroused is the best state & I should always try to be so
- Being slightly forceful is "sexy"
- My genitals are "special"
- There is nothing wrong with porn if the actors were not coerced
- It's natural to get sexually excited when seeing any sexy woman (18+)
- It's the ultimate goal to have casual, objectified sex but you can't trick the other person into it

OK, OK, maybe I should try to focus a little more on the present...

- My past sexuality: habits, preferences, desires, etc. were all wrong
- I have no idea how to be sexual in a healthy way
- I should have no emotional reaction to seeing women besides my wife naked or half-naked either in person (e.g. on the beach) or on magazine shelves
- I should not feel attracted to women besides my wife (noticing that a woman is attractive should be only like noticing a minor detail: like the color of someone's shirt)
- It is tabu to have any sort of reaction to women under 20
- My sexuality is like a dangerous weapon: there are only extremely limited situations in which it should ever be used
- For other people it is natural, normal, healthy, and safe to be sexual
- Incestual molestation is among the very worst of things that can be done to a person
- I must guard against sexual thoughts of any kind - not just compulsive fantasies
- Life would be better if there were no such thing as sex (This one I've had since 12, but it still really hits home)
- It is problematic for me to have any emotional reactions to women: i.e., I'm not able to distinguish the emotions of friendship from romance
- It is problematic that I am always ready for "unexpected" sexual imagery either in an unexpected love scene in a movie or by encountering attractive stranger
- It is problematic that I always wake up with an erection
- It is problematic to think about sexual imagery/ideas even in a regretful or analytical manner
- My sexuality is problematic for my romantic partnership
- Sexuality in and of itself, before or in marriage is not bad
- Sexual tendencies learned from abuse are more than likely bad
- If I am sexually excited, it is bad for my marriage
- For other people, flirting can be harmless and fun, not threatening to their relationships
- For other people, sexual excitement can be a balanced, positive experience like smelling a flower
- Men are more visually centered in their sexuality than women
- Sex should always have emotional ramifications for the people involved
- Pornography is dangerous because it can lead one to objectify people
- Sexual imagery in movies is dangerous because it can leave one wanting more such excitement
- Sexual excitement is dangerous for me, because the excitement becomes all-consuming: no thoughts of the other or intimacy
- My sexuality is a constant source of guilt and isolation for me
- male/female friendships are nigh impossible if either person is a sex addict
- a healthy sexual identity is paramount to a happy life
- sexuality in and off itself is nothing one should feel guilty about
- there are a myriad of ways to hurt other people with one's sexuality
- most women do not consider that how they dress can potentially excite men
- unless I achieve a sexually anorexic state, the longer I go without sexual release the more prone I am to getting an erection
- I adjust my penis in my clothing an unusual number of times a day
- I wish my sexuality had developed differently
- It is cruel for women/girls to flirt with me even though they don't know I'm an addict
- addict-addict interactions are the most unhealthy life experiences
- it is wrong to use a prostitute
- prostitutes and stripers both find their clients pathetic, no matter how they act
- my horrible mismanagement of my sexuality has broken my wife's 1st love and probably scarred here for life
- sexual betrayals are the hardest to forgive
- sexuality is a joy for other people
- it is wrong for religion, the state, or anyone else to dictate a persons consentual sexuality
- it is wrong to be deceptive to a sexual partner
- it is bad to (the other person to) start a relationship if one's sexuality is seriously messed up
- youth is more sexy than maturity
- I should be able to learn not to have any reaction to European grocery's habits of putting pornographic magazines right out on the shelves
- my excitement at sexual imagery is wrong both because it hurts my wife and because it can so easily get out of control
- Thinking about sexuality makes me unhappy
- It is wrong for me to ever find my wife unattractive
- I am ashamed of my sexuality
- One reason I am ashamed of my sexuality is that I am ashamed to be out of control
- One reason I am afraid of my sexuality is that it puts me in contact with my mortality
- Sometimes I "react" to girls who are minors. This is disturbing and can be wrong depending on what "react" means in each instance.
- I am afraid to be sexual with my wife because my mind might wander into "fantasy." That is, an unwanted image my come up in my mind which I have to resist. I do not fantasize (dwell) but already this is a problematic occurrence.

Last edited by Ezekiel on Wed Sep 03, 2008 1:23 pm, edited 6 times in total.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 5:07 pm 
Recovery Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:32 pm
Posts: 4572
First, I have read through your work and it continues to be excellent. I do want to extend to you an open invitation for a thirty minute to an hour conversation to review all of this and to make sure you are integrating it efficiently. If you are ever interested, just let me know.

One thing that I did want to comment on here was this:

"My progress is that I've been waiting for the lesson that will tell me what to do with my action plans."

I'm glad you recognized this, and did so playfully... You have the rest of your life to master all of this. Learning from such events is a part of that mastery. What I hope that you learned here is: "I am going to take what I learn from others and apply it as it fits into my life's vision, but I will remember that this information is just a supplement to my efforts. This is my recovery. This is my life. And I embrace the opportunity to take it further than anyone else possibly could."

Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach

 Post subject: Weekly monitoring
PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 3:25 pm 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
overall emotional balance one bad day, but in general I would say improving

stimulants: work, D&D, novels, some connection with my wife, wanting to be sexual

progress report
top 5
- Connectivity with wife: made some progress, did fun, spontaneous things
- Providing for wife's needs: some progress, was more there for her than in my own guilt
- Friendship: weak
- Relaxation: i think I'm getting started in a better direction
- Work: my progress at work continues to be slow, but my organization is improving
top 10
- Music: here I am falling backwards, but making daily monitoring more mechanical and less fluid has actually helped on this one
- Outside: OK, a little more work would be good
- Being proud of me: nada, I should make an action plan
- Healthy sexuality: very weak, but I have an action plan now
- Health: OK, starting to do something finally
- Acceptance of love: still weak, need better action plan
- Materia: realized my values don't encompass everything I want from life, trying to expand my list

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 3:34 pm 
Recovery Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:32 pm
Posts: 4572
re: "overall emotional balance one bad day, but in general I would say improving"

As long as you understand that what is important here is your 'awareness' of that bad day (emotionally imbalanced). This is different than assigning it a 'bad day' based solely on your behavior. As in, you acted out, therefore it was a 'bad day'. At this point, you need to be monitoring your emotional balance on an ongoing basis. And pretty much, when you are within healthy emotional boundaries (as defined by you)...then you won't give this much thought. But as soon as you find yourself going beyond those emotional boundaries--beyond your emotional comfort zone--THAT is when this awareness must emerge from the subconscious to the conscious.

If you are not there yet, work hard to get there. You can't develop true emotional maturity until you develop the structure for assessing the depth, limits of your emotions. That comes from getting comfortable with experiencing all feelings that you have (as a human being); not waiting until you act on them.

re: "progress report"

Good specifics here...make sure you have a general awareness of your overall life management skill as well.

Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach

 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:39 pm 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
Yes, it is my emotional balance I'm keeping track of not whether or not I act out. Maybe I'm wrong but I think of that as my focus: that focusing over whether I got excited seeing someone on the street or not is not ultimately as helpful as being aware that I've let my emotions get unbalanced enough for that to happen...

re: "getting comfortable with experiencing all feelings that you have"

This is still an area for me to work on. As you can see in my community forum post today, I retain the ability to make myself very unbalanced and uncomfortable with my emotions with guilt over "bad thoughts." I remain very confused over this issue and possess strong emotions that I "feel" as over-powering. They last for days easily until I finally give in to them. While I'm in therapy, I can be convinced that I'm blowing things all out of proportion and everything is OK. But, afterwards the emotions seem to over-power me again.

re: "extend to you an open invitation"

This I definitely want to take you up on. I'm still going back and editing my Excercise 39 to be sure I've put enough work in on step 1. And I thought maybe a good "place" for a conversation would be when I'm far enough along to start talking with others about my sexual values...

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 2:34 pm 

Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:28 pm
Posts: 95
- Moral conflict telling her I thought she was fat would hurt her but not telling is being dishonest.
- Guilt over breaking a boundary and not "confessing"
- Suspense over when will I eventually "confess"
- Anger with my wife for having boundaries that "made" the situation possible (yes, I perceive this differently now)
- Power over my wife that I can choose the type of pain she has: isolation or pain from cruel thought confessed.
- Fantasy about isolation as a consequence of breaking the boundary, about being alone and free from any possibility of engaging in compulsive confession, about starting over again with a new person and a clean slate -- free from all my past mistakes
- Accomplishment for postponing the confession long enough to get a reply to my community post, long enough to have a therapy session first.
- Power over keeping my wife at a distance until I chose to end the ritual with a confession
- Confession - this assumes the role of Orgasm for this type of addictive behaviour: the huge sense of release to offload my mental burden.
- Response/validation - the attention of my wife to what I was saying, the feeling of connection that comes for crisis mode.

Mapping out the ritual
The beginning is hard to identify. I was thinking my wife looked a little unattractive with how she was dressed because of the horrible heat in our apartment. Apparently, she was already feeling sad and I wasn't paying attention. We had made some successful efforts at connecting and began to give each other "relaxation" techniques from a non-sexual-massage book. When it was my turn to do her, I looked at her from one angle and thought she was fat.

1 - Saw wife in unattractive position/clothes. Could be sensory (visual) and objectification, but quickly followed by guilt. * added emotional stim
2 -

Last edited by Ezekiel on Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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