Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Aug 09, 2020 2:30 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 122 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 9  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Not off the hook
PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 12:04 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
CoachJon wrote:
re: "Your top fifteen values"

Ha, and here you probably thought that since two weeks had passed, you were off the hook!



Actually, I kept hoping that someone would reply and let me know if I was on the right track or not. I will review as you have suggested and post updates tomorrow.

Thank you again for your review.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:26 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
CoachJon wrote:
re: "Your top fifteen values"

To be practical in life management, these values will need to be adjusted a bit. And that's okay, because your value system must be fluid...capable of adaptation and change as life dictates.

First, this one: "Remember that all my actions have consequences"



I had started re-organizing the values, when, as I was going through the second stage of the action plan I realized that some items fit better under other items.

eg. This one "Remember that all my actions have consequences"

became part of:

1 Live with integrity
1.1 Consider every action
1.2 Remember my values and apply them
1.3 Ask myself 'Is this the right thing to do'
1.4 Consider others when I make choices
1.5 Remember that all my actions have consequences


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:35 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
CoachJon wrote:
re: "Your top fifteen values"

Second, many of these are sub-values of one or two larger values:

2.Be passionate about what is in my life
7.Be passionate with my wife
8.Be passionate about my daughter



As I mentioned in my previous reply, I had noticed that some items belonged with other items. I have taken your sugestion and grouped some together

1 Strengthening my relationship with my wife
1.1 Be loving to my wife
1.1.1 Take time each day to make her feel special
1.1.1.1 Simple gestures (flowers, note in lunch)
1.1.2 Be affectionate with her
1.1.2.1 Snuggle with her
1.1.2.2 Touch her
1.1.2.3 Kiss
1.1.3 Talk to her
1.1.3.1 Tell her how I feel
1.1.3.2 Ask her how she feels
1.1.4 Express my emotions without fear
1.1.4.1 Tell her when I feel good
1.1.4.2 Tell her when I feel not so good
1.1.4.3 Let her know when my moods are affected
1.1.5 Support her when she needs it
1.1.6 Be committed to her
1.1.7 Be passionate with my wife
1.1.7.1 Show her the emotions I am feeling
1.2 Be a better husband to my wife
1.2.1 Tell her that I love her every day
1.2.2 Listen to her when she is talking to me
1.2.3 Try to understand how she is feeling
1.2.4 Talk to her about how I am feeling
1.2.5 Show her daily that I love her
1.2.6 Show that I respect her

1 Strengthening my relationship with my daughter
1.1 Be a good father to my daughter
1.1.1 Spend time with her
1.1.2 Teach her how to deal with problems
1.1.3 Help build her self confidence
1.1.4 Help when she needs it.
1.1.5 Help when she asks for it
1.1.6 Be passionate about my daughter
1.1.6.1 Spend time with her
1.1.6.2 Learn to deal with life so I can help her deal with life
1.1.6.3 Teach her good values


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:52 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
CoachJon wrote:
re: "Your top fifteen values"

re: "Proactive action plan part 2"

DON'T get frustrated! I can see that you have put in a lot of work here...and it has not been wasted. But, from an objective view, these are a bit too general to serve in the manner that they are intended. FOr example,
'9 Be faithful
9.1 Tell the truth
9.2 Be honest'


I know that the work has not been wasted. Far from it in fact, as I can already see and feel changes in myself even though I didn't get it "right" the first time. Going back and reviewing the plan and making the changes you have suggested has been a good exercise for me.

1 Be faithful
1.1 Tell the truth
1.2 Be honest
1.3 Be realiable
1.4 Trust my wife with my imperfections
1.5 When faced with situations (eg. porn) that may cause problems, recognize and rectify the situation


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Unhealthy recover signs
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 11:42 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
I believe I am in group 3. I do, however, identify with some of the points made about those in group 4.
This one is still one that I struggle with:
Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
I certainly do fear relapse triggers. The big one that undid me last time was un-restricted internet access. Once I found out I could see porn, it didn't take long to go back and see it again. I recently started a new contract and once I found that they had both monitoring and access restrictions in place I was relieved.

I also can completely relate to the first part of this one, the extreme emotions wrt acting out.
They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out--extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions--when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives.
Viewing porn (even the thought) of it makes my stomach churn.

They continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.
I have not achieved the separation of myself from my addiction yet. I can feel it coming though. I can talk about past behaviours much more easily than I did before but there are still times when I feel intense shame and guilt over what I have done. I look forward to the day when I can truly look at myself as separate.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:44 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
I identify with the following from the early recovery phase

- In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
- In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
- In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
- In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
- In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
- In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".

and these from the Middle Recovery phase
- They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
- Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
- They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
- They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
- They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
- Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
- They recognize failure as a learning experience--but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
- They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
- They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
- They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
- They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
- They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.
- Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partner's fully--as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).

I am still in the middle phase so don't identify with any from the Late recovery phase. I will post my thoughts on the second part later


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 8:38 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
1.Did I act with integrity today?
2.Did I show my wife I value her?
3.Was I honest with my wife today?
4.Did I initiate at least one conversation with my wife today?
4.1. If not, how long has it been?
5.Was I affectionate with my wife today?
6.Did I spend time with my daughter today?
6.1. Was it quality time
6.2. Did I get upset with her
7.Did I act out today?
8.Did I accomplish what I had planned for today?
9.How did I feel today?
10.Did I act as a role model today?
11.Was I compassionate today?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:47 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
How have I integrated what I have learned so far into my daily life?
Well, so far I have learned that the reason I have acted out in the past was due to an imbalance between my life and my values and the applications of my values. I wasn't matching the way I was behaving to the values that I actually hold dear in my life. This was a revelation to me since one of the things I used to beat myself up about was how dishonest I was and how I was hiding things from those who I hold dearest in my life. I have learned that I need to use my values to make decisions in my every day life and have been using these values to guide my thoughts and actions.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:49 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
What was the positive role in my life?

This is a tough question because I still see mostly the bad side of it but here goes. I got a form of escape from my sexual anxieties. It didn't matter (in my mind) if I got erect or got off. I got an arousal when viewing porn. I did masturbate but not regularly to orgasm. It helped me manage stress at work and in life.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:32 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
The ritual is the easy part. I would get up after my wife left for work (around 5:30 am) in the morning but before my daughter woke up. I would go down to the basement, turn on the computer and log in. I would then install Firefox and start surfing porn. I would use Google to search for whatever I was looking for that day. I would surf for 45 minutes or so, until it was time to get my daughter up. While surfing I would sometimes masterbate, though never to orgasm. When I was finished I would delete the web history and any other cached files, uninstall Firefox and make sure to empty the recycle bin.

This involved the following elements:

Sensory Stimulation
Sight – I was looking at porn
Masturbation - I was masturbating while looking at porn
Fantasy – I was using porn to soothe myself and escape from my sexual (and other) anxieties. I was in a sense in a fantasy world when surfign porn.
Danger - I was worried that my wife would have forgotten something and return home and catch me surfing porn
Accomplishment – I had a sense of accomplishment whenever I found something new that I hadn't seen before. I realize now that I also felt like I was getting away with it.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 18 Filters
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:10 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
I will use the following ritual (this is the same one as the previous exercise).

I would get up after my wife left for work (around 5:30 am) in the morning but before my daughter woke up. I would go down to the basement, turn on the computer and log in. I would then install Firefox and start surfing porn. I would use Google to search for whatever I was looking for that day. I would surf for 45 minutes or so, until it was time to get my daughter up. While surfing I would sometimes masterbate, though never to orgasm. When I was finished I would delete the web history and any other cached files, uninstall Firefox and make sure to empty the recycle bin.

This involved the following filters:

Time: I would go at a specfic time of day and follow the same routine (Install, surf, erase history, uninstall, cleanup). I also had a limited amount of time available so my surfing was very selective. If I didn't like what I saw right away, I moved on quickly without bothering to explore further.
Intensity: I would masterbate while viewing porn but never to orgasm. Reaching orgasm would have meant that my session was over.
Habituation: I would change the type porn I was seaching for between several different types. I would get bored with one type and move to something slightly different.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:23 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
My first recollection of porn was when I was around 12. I don't remember exactly how old I was but I remember seeing some magazines that a friend had. I think they were his brothers but I'm not even sure which friend it actually was. I don't remember anything about how I felt when I looked at them.

I remember having magazines when I was a little older, around 14 or so. I don't remember how I managed to get my hands on them as I lived in a small town. I do remember using them to masturbate with. I used magazines during my teen years as well as fantasy. When I got to college, I don't remember using them or even having them in the house I lived in. I masturbated regularly during most of my college career. I also went to strip clubs whenever the guys I hung around with did, usually once a month or so.

After graduating I lived with a guy who had a thing for strip clubs and we went weekly for about six months or so. After he got married, he didn't go any more and I wasn't all that interested in going so I stopped. I haven't been back to one since. I worked for a year and a half after graduating and then returned to school. I masturbated regularly, sometime to porn, sometimes to fantasy during this time.

When I returned to school, I was masturbating almost nightly as a way to relieve stress and to help
me sleep. I didn't have any porn as I was moving every four months (I was in a co-op program and had placements in different cities). I was using fantasy, mostly about the girls I worked with or knew from school.

After graduating a second time (with two diplomas and honours) I moved to a city about 7 hours away from home. This wasn't a big transition as I had family in the city and knew it fairly well. I started working full time and continued masturbating nightly. This continued for about a year and a half.

I then got very sick and spent the following year and a half in and out of the hospital. I didn't masturbate very often as I didn't feel well enough most of the time. I had little energy and less ambition. I finally started to regain my health and with that I returned to masturbating. I hadn't had much exposure to porn since I moved and started working and didn't miss it.

I changed jobs and with that came a home computer with internet access. I started surfing porn occasionally at home but not too often as there were big notices about monitoring and I was worried I'd loose my job. I also met my future (now current) wife when I started this new job. We started dating and I forgot about porn completely. She then went on a trip for a month and I surfed while she was gone. I am not sure why I surfed while she was gone as I hadn't thought about it at all when we were dating. She found out when she returned and I swore off it.

We were married and had a wonderful life together. We didn't have sex as often as she wanted and while I didn't know it at the time, it was because I was very anxious about sex with her. I was nervous about approaching her and being able to perform. Consequently she initiated sex most of the time. She would ask me often why I didn't and I made up excuses as to why (we were tired, we didn't have time) I didn't understand why I couldn't approach her and felt bad about it. I would feel even worse when she would bring it up or I would hear about other couples having sex regularly.

We were blessed with a baby girl about two years into our marriage. I didn't use porn at all during this time nor did I think about it. I masturbated very infrequently as well during this time, perhaps twice a year. We did not have anything close to a normal sex life however as we would have sex only once or twice a month if that often. I felt something was wrong with me because while I desired sex and wanted to be with my wife and have sex with her, the thought of having sex made me nervous. So did the thought of initiating anything sexual with my wife. I felt bad about this and suppressed any sexual thoughts or any feelings I had.

I viewed porn again when I was at home on parental leave with my daughter. I was viewing porn from newsgroups and my wife found out. Again I swore off it and denied having any problems. I was using it at this point to relieve the stress I felt about being a new parent and while I didn't masturbate the porn was a comfort to me. (just a note: I didn't realize this until I started taking a look back while writing this document and doing my recovery work.)

I viewed porn a couple times in the intervening years, nothing regular or often. I masturbated infrequently during this time as well, perhaps twice a year.

Then came a long my marathon of porn. It started when I figured out that I could use a different browser (Firefox) to surf and that I could clean up completely after myself. I went on a binge for a year and a half. It didn't start out that often or bad. I would go once a week or so, not really regularly. I would go early in the morning after my wife left for work but before I had to get up and get my daughter ready. My pattern was the same, I would turn on the computer, install Firefox, surf, clean-up up my history, un-install and empty the recycle bin. I never bothered with keeping Favourites or downloading anything because I just used Google to find porn. About six months in or so I also started masturbating while surfing. I never had an orgasm in front of the computer. I actually rarely masturbated to orgasm. I didn't want to and didn't feel any need to. Once in a while I would get off while in the shower but that was not a regular occurrence.

Discovery
My binge came to an end in July 2007. My wife discovered a single image on the computer and I was scared. I lied and said that I had received an email with a link and when I clicked on the link I was taken to a page filled with porn. Over the next couple of days my wife continually asked questions and I was evasive at best, outright lying at worst. I didn't want to face it nor did I want to come clean despite my protests to the contrary. I finally grudgingly admitted to using porn but tried to minimize my usage. I continued to lie and hide things and would only face them when my wife found evidence that I couldn't explain away or deny. I knew that it was hurting her every time she found something out but I was scared and unable to face what I had done so I continued to lie and hide. My wife went so far as to by recovery software to find deleted images and other files. When she would confront me with them I would try and wiggle my way out, still unable or unwilling to talk about it or deal with it. This continued for most of the fall, with constant round of discovery and denial and wiggling and final admission when I had no other choice. If I could change one thing about all this (beside the actual usage of porn) it would be my inability to truly come clean early on. This did far more damage to my relationship than all my porn use put together.

I entered therapy (see below for details) because I desperately needed help with my inability to talk about sex and my sexual problems and what I had done (viewing porn). The therapy really helped and I was on the road to what I thought was leaving it behind forever.

Therapy (Before I get to my relapse, I want to talk about my therapy)

After I was found out I searched a bit on the internet and found a couple of site on porn addiction. As I read more, I came to the conclusion that I might be a porn addict and I needed some help. I found a local therapist and made an appointment. It took almost 6 weeks before I could see her and when the day came for my appointment, I showed up to find an empty office. I phoned and left several messages while waiting in the lobby. After waiting for an hour I phoned my wife to tell her what happened and left feeling terrible. The therapist phoned three days later. She had been at a conference and had misplaced my appointment. I had found another therapist in the meantime and when the first one offered to reschedule I declined saying that I didn't think we went be able to work together. The second therapist I found was a woman with 20+ years of experience and I found her both easy to talk to and very understanding. I now know that I was suffering from sexual and performance anxieties and that they were crippling me, keeping me from enjoying sex and being with my wife. She has helped me a great deal and I have come to terms with my sexual anxieties. I am far from perfect but I am much better than I was. I am no longer worried about performing sexually nor am I scared of what will happened if there are failures during a sexual encounter. I am also able to talk much more openly about sex and my feelings. I am not a completely open book but everything is not 'fine' or 'ok' all the time now. I let my wife know what I am feeling most of the time now. I still find myself closing up, especially if we are having a discussion about my past porn usage but I can identify it and realize that I am doing so.

Relapse
Around the middle of Feb 2008, I started viewing porn again, this time while at work. I had started a new contract and the place had no blocking software in place. I know that is not an excuse nor am I trying to use it as such, I am simply stating the facts. After I found that they didn't block anything, I started thinking about viewing porn again. When I look back, it wasn't the porn that I was looking for, it was the act of viewing it that I wanted. I ignored the warnings about internet access being monitored that were shown when I logged. I didn't believe they did. Boy was I wrong but more on that later. I would view porn two or three times a day a couple times a week. I was using it as a stress relief and didn't tell anyone, not my therapist or my wife. I was worried that I would be found out but continued anyway. Then, just after lunch, the director showed up at my desk and asked to talk to me in his office. My stomach started churning and I almost ran out of the building. He confronted me and told me I was being fired and that I would be escorted from the building. I was stunned and only vaguely remember the trip home. I called my wife several times but was unable to get hold of her. I called my therapist and left a message. When my wife finally called back, I explained to her what I had done and what had happened. To say she was furious would be an understatement. I told her I would leave and give her everything. I packed a suitcase and left to spend the night in a motel.

My therapist returned my call and since she was on vacation, sent me to a colleague of hers. The second therapist specializes in addiction (all sorts, not just sex or porn). I poured my heart out to her and she listened patiently and talked calmly. She suggested that perhaps there was more to my problem that just anxiety and recommended I make an appointment with a colleague of hers. This one specialized in the treatment of addiction and she was able to see me the next day. (even though it was a holiday) I was a wreck, poured my heart out to her and when I finally stopped talking, she suggested I look into a 12 step program. She pointed me to a couple that were available in our area. She also offered some advice about talking about this with my wife which I took home with me. I slunk back home and made profuse apologies to my wife and my daughter.

My wife was mad, not because I had used porn again (although that was bad enough) but because I had lied about it and hidden it from her. I destroyed what little trust I had rebuilt with her with my inability to trust and confide in her.

Recovery Nation
I was working through 'In the shadow of the net' when I came across a website that looked as though it would be able to help. The site turned out to be dead but while searching I came across RN. I didn't start right away with it but it was in the back of my mind. I was still working through 'the shadow' book and the exercises were taking up most of my time. I was trying to keep busy to help keep my mind occupied and not dwell on what I had done.

12 step.
I have tried several different 12 step meetings but I don't feel that they are as helpful as RN. One meeting I went to was absolutely depressing. There were 10 people there and beside me there was not one who had a positive story. I had been to others that were more positive but on the whole I didn't have a good experience with them. I may go back at some point in the future but I find RN a much better fit for me. I do still carry the sobriety tokens as a reminder to myself though so I guess I got something good from it.

Conclusions
Looking back I am not sure when porn went from curiosity to addiction but I don't think it really matters at this point. I can see porn has been a fairly constant part of my life since my early teens. It has not always been there in the front but it has never been far from there. It has progressed from providing material for occasional masturbation to become a comfort to me, a way to soothe myself and escape from my fears and anxieties. I recognize that this is very unhealthy for me and all those who surround me. I am using recovery nation to help guide me to building a foundation on which I can build a healthy life for myself, one free of addiction and porn.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:10 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
Looking forward
This is much harder than looking back. I don't know what the future holds for me any more than anyone else. I can only learn the new skills I need to help me cope with whatever life has in store for me. The skills I need to develop and hone are those that will allow me to use the values I have and gain to guide my life and make the decisions I need to lead a happy and healthy life.

Future Transitions
Death of a parent.
This is a real possibility. My mother's health has been precarious at best for years. She spent the better part of six months in the hospital in 2005-2006. My father's health is not the greatest either. He was a long time smoker and only started exercising after he retired. I would look for signs of anxiety during any sickness that either one had. I would also look for signs of withdrawing from those close to me.

Death of a spouse
This would be very tough for me. I don't know what I would do. I know that returning to porn would be a terrible thing to do if this happened. I would be in a very emotionally fragile state and I could see how porn would worm it's way back in. I will rely on the values and action plans I have developed (or will develop) to guide me at a time like this. I would look for signs that I feel I have no one to talk to or share my feeling with. I would also look for signs of anxiety, closing up, shutting down my emotions.

Death of a child
I think this would be as tough as the death of my spouse. I also think as well, that not only would I be in a fragile state but my wife would be as well. We would both be trying to deal with very difficult emotions and we might fall into destructive patterns. I believe that I might have a tendency to close up and not share my feelings and emotional state. I know that returning to porn would be the worst thing I could do at a time like this. I would have to be aware and alert for the warning signs such as closing up, hiding feelings, and pretending that I'm ok.

Divorce
Before all this happened I never would have thought about this. Since all this happened S has mentioned divorce and separation many times. Since porn use would be the root cause it would be bad if I returned and I realize this. Since it has in the past provided me with comfort and escape I can see how it would have a draw for me. I would watch for signs that I felt I needed to escape, feeling desperate, feeling lonely.

Loss of a job
This has happened to me twice in my adult life. Once due to performance reasons (I hated the company I was working for and lacked any sort of motivation) and once due to porn (see the first part of this exercise).

Retirement
This is a long way off but I have planned for it (money wise anyway). I have things that I'm not able to do now for lack of time. I will continue with my gardening, expanding the time and volume of it. I will be travelling, as there are many places to see.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:29 pm 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 8:25 am
Posts: 126
A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?
Failed to finish Electronics Technology when I first went to school. I ended up graduating with a diploma in Robotics and Process Control.
I found after the first year that I really didn't like the amount of math involved nor did I like the amount of other work that was involved. I was spending 70+ hours a week doing school work. I also found out that I really didn't like the thought of a career in the electronics industry.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?
Returning to school to pursue a career in computer programming. In the last semester of my Robotics course we had to do a large amount of programming. I found out that a) I was good at it and b) that I enjoyed it. I completed the course and graduated because I enjoyed what I was doing. I could also see myself working in computer related fields for the rest of my career.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.
Goal: I will refrain from viewing porn for a period of one year.
- I will talk to S about any urges I have to view porn
- I will talk to S about thinking about viewing porn
- I will talk to S about my feelings, good or bad
- I will assess my mental state every day
- I will watch for warning signs
- Feeling sexually anxious
- Feeling other anxieties


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:01 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:32 pm
Posts: 4572
re: "Daily monitoring"

Sorry, this was written so long ago that the only really relevant question is... Did you do this monitoring for 14 straight days? Have you evolved it/reduced it since? Where are you at now with daily monitoring?

This first part of daily monitoring is only one part of a three part process. Which itself is only one part of a three part total monitoring process. If you have put this on the shelf for now...take it down and dust it off. We need to evolve this into a practical tool.

re: "Looking forward
This is much harder than looking back. I don't know what the future holds for me any more than anyone else. I can only learn the new skills I need to help me cope with whatever life has in store for me."

This is true. However, there is much you can do in terms of helping yourself prepare for life's events. There is a vision that you can develop that will separate the permanents in life (e.g. your life management structure--and the role that your values, boundaries play within this structure) from the variables (life's events, your actual values, your actual boundaries, etc). You are at the point now where you can begin solidifying the permanent structures of your life...and anticipating how they will be used to help you manage an unknown future. Based solely on what you have shared here, you are already well on your way to doing exactly that.

re: "Lesson 20 - Mastering my addiction"

The purpose of this lesson is to be able to see the transition TO addiction as it progressed across your lifespan, so that you can then develop your own vision of a transition FROM addiction and towards health across the remainder of your life span. I hope that makes sense. When I talk with people about this, what we focus on is not really the addiciton, but the life span progression...and how different life management strategies were implemented at different stages. Then, at some point, because addiction is such a powerful and effective life managment tool...how IT became the primary strategy being utilized and how, once ingrained...it also became the primary source in filtering one's perceptions and identity. Usually, we can also see the 'split' that occurs in this identity across the life span...the split between the private addictive-identity and the external, social identity. And then in severe addictions, we can even see how that dual-identity eventually became fused as a single addictive-identity.

All this, just to get to the point where they can see how the destructive effects of using addiction as a coping skill have altered their identity. And, to see how to use this awareness to ingrain a healthy identity.

If you haven't already. Take what you have done here and play it all the way out. Don't stop at where you are now...but continue it through all the way to health. Make sure that you can see how it is you will not only alter your behavior...but permanently change your identity.

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 122 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 9  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group