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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 3:18 am 
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Something I have just seen regarding positive aspects of my addiction.

The internet has given me a safe place to explore my fantasies. If I didn't have the internet then maybe I would have done things like visiting the porn shop, massage parlours, prostitutes. Maybe I would have manipulated my sexual partners into acting out my desires and fetishes. Maybe I would have done even more harm to myself and those who I love most.

It's speculation, but it feels right to include it here. I'm grateful that my addictive/compulsive behaviors have remained within the boundary of internet. I'm glad that I've not got involved with prostitution etc. I also haven't got myself into debt through my addiction.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 8:13 am 
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I have been going over my posts again, just to check myself. In one of my posts I wrote this:

I have no temptation to physically have sex with other woman.

This is not true. I do have temptation to have sex with other woman and I don't want to lie about it. The reason I am monogamous in my marriage is because of my personal choice. In earlier relationships I experimented with having affairs or one night stands but the pain that this dishonesty caused me was simply not worth it. The temptation can still arise, but there is no temptation to follow the temptation. I know where it leads, I've been there, and that's it.
I personally find that a committed monogamous relationship is a good foundation to grow together and deepen in intemacy. I am slowly finding out that a committed monogamous relationship without porn addiction is an even better foundation.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 3:41 pm 
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re: "I have no temptation to physically have sex with other woman.

This is not true. I do have temptation to have sex with other woman and I don't want to lie about it."

Good for you. This is the type of thing that ONLY YOU can have the courage to admit. You are the only one that can make the choice to extract it from that 'secret world' you created inside your head. Acknowledging this out loud, to others...without guilt/shame/judgment, etc. That is how you eliminate addiction permanently. With EVERY threat to your emerging value system, you take action that best protects your values and isolates destructive rituals. Self-deception is one such ritual.

So, it may sound misplaced to say, 'Congratulations for sharing that you are tempted to have sex with other women!'; but there are more important things at stake here than the variables of your addiction. Putting into place a structure that will allow you to live without addiction is one. And that is what you have done here. You have put up another plate of armour onto the shield you are building to protect your transitioning identity from a known threat: deception.

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Jon Marsh
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 2:25 am 
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Thanks Jon. I also found this:

No need for magazines, no need for porn shops, no need for massage, strippers, hookers etc.

Parts of this are also untrue. I have visited porn shops to 'look around' on more than one occasion in the past years. The last time was maybe 18 months ago, but why hide it. I have often fantasized about going for massage, especially whilst I was living in Thailand for 2 years. I also desire to see strippers but I don't. I have allot of fantasizing about hookers and misstresses, dominatrix, etc. Why do I not go for massage yet? Why do I not go to watch strippers? Why do I not go to hookers misstresses or dominatrix?

Because I was always scared of what would happen if I did. Would I have gone deeper into my addictive/compulsive behavior? How would I have lived with the shame and guilt of having done such a thing? What if any of my friends or family found out?

I remember walking past the GO GO Bars in Bangkok. Flirting with the possibility. Knowing that I could have had sex with any one of those girls.
I remember walking through the Amsterdam red light district. Looking at the almost naked girls in the window. Flirting with the idea of going inside. Fantasizing about the whole world of possabilities. The sexual acts I would ask them to perform and that they would do whatever I asked without judging me. I never went in. I flirted with the possability and nothing more.

I was always to scared to cross over that line. Two times when I was in my mid twenties I payed a street girl to give me oral sex. I didn't enjoy it and the feelings of shame afterwards were almost unbearable. But maybe it would be different with the girls in Amsterdam, with the Thai GO GO Girls. I never found out.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this. Maybe something is revealing itself that I'm not yet aware of. Lets see.

Sometimes the Idea that I will never visit a Dominatrix, Thai GO GO Girl, or Hooker in Amsterdam, fills me with a sense of loss. Will my fantasies always remain fantasies? Maybe the fact that I am so sensitive. That I care about doing harm. That I feel shame and guilt. Maybe these things have served me. Maybe I could have gone to a place of no return. I'll never know.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:54 pm 
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re: "Parts of this are also untrue. I have..."

Continue down this path with enthusiasm (towards what you are doing) and emotional distance (towards what you have done). Make this time in your life an empowering one to identify and separate the rituals--all of the rituals--attached to addiction in your life.

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Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:11 am 
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Excercise 17.

1. Sensory stimulation.

Touch.

It's all starts with touch for me. I don't have to feel arosed. Just knowing that if I touch myself for a while in the right way, that I can change my emotional state from one of fear and nervousness to one of pleasure. Sometimes the touch is soft sometimes heavy, depending on what type of pornography I have chosen for my particular ritual.

Sight.

Sight is a huge one. I always know what I'm looking for, and I usually find it. The pictures on the screen intesify the touch. Looking for the girl with a particular body type. Looking for the clothing/grooming, hair colour, length of fingernails. High heel shoes etc.

Sound.

The sound of the girls voice. Dominating or submisive, depending on the content of my ritual. Girls talking dirty etc.

2. Fantasy.

The imagery on the screen brings the mental fantasies to life. However I know that I don't need my computer. I lived in foreign counties many times. Places where pornography is ilegal. No problem, it's all here in my head. I can go back over all my previous sexual encounters. The pornography I've seen. I can go back to the times of walking through the Amsterdam red light district, or the GO GO bar girls in Bangkok. Imagine how it would have been if I'd gone for it. I can recall the porn I've seen and tweak it until it fits.

3. Danger.

The only thing that comes to mind here is flirting with danger. I remember seeing a Dominatrix waiting in a window in the Amsterdam redlight district. I remember a Shemale in a Bangkok bar who offered me the possability of something new and exciting. Seeing mildly violent pornogarphy pushing my limits. I remember acting out some fantasies with my wife when we first met. I remember masturbating to porn whilst she was asleep in the other room. Each time I felt the fight or flight response. Wild heart beat, shaking body, sweat and fear. The adrenaline.

4. Suspense.

The suspense of the train ride home. Knowing as soon as I get through the door that I will escape into a world of fantasy. Waiting for my wife to leave the house. Waiting for my chance. What treasure will I find this time? On my way to the pornshop or newsagent. Sometimes to the allnight gas station or seveneleven, if the urge should grab me late at night. It doesn't matter if people see me because I'm fixed on the treasure that will be waiting inside the magazines. Maybe this time it will be the perfect one. Maybe this internet session will reveal the site I've been looking for. Maybe the next picture or vid clip will be the one.

5. Accomplishment.

This one is difficult for me. I suppose that orgasm is the accomlishment but the pleasure of release is so short lived becasue the shame,pain and guilt kick in within seconds.
The accomplishment is the escape. The way that 2 hours can dissapear in pleasure. The occasion when a site is found that I know I'll return to. The way that my life and all the pain get left behind. Numbness.

6. Power.

The fantasy of having control over the girl. She'll do what I want, when I want, without judgement. The girls on the screen, in my mind, in the magazine are always there to serve me. They never say no.

The fantasy of being submissive/overpowered/at the mercy of a woman.

7. Past.

I see the cementing of my addictive/compulsive behavior probably took place in my late teens. At that age I was extremely shy and didn't really know how to be with girls. They saw me as a careing friend who they could talk to, someone who would listen, but not a lover. Some of them would say things like 'I like you but I don't want to hurt you'. I also had a problem with my penis. A problem that I was ashamed of. It took me until I was 22 to pluck up the courage to go to the Doctor. It was fixed with a simple operation. After that my relating with woman began to improve but the seeds had already been planted. I had coped with the lonelyness and confusion of this time by indulging in porn. Those girls were always there for me, I worshipped them. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

8. Poly Addictions.

At one time I used drugs as part of my acting out sometimes it was good. I can't think of anything more to say about that.

9.Orgasm.

I remember that first release when I was 12 years old. The pleausre it bought me and the escape. It has been my drug of choice over the last 20 years. I have used it as a crutch for so many different things. The chemical changes are addictive and the peace it brings, although short lived, is real. In the French language the word 'ORGASM' means 'Little Death'. I understand that translation because it is like at that moment of orgasm everything leaves you. At least for a second eveything is put aside as you desolve in temporary bliss.
These days, for myself, it is much more about the ritual than the orgasm. The ritual needs to kept going for as long as possable, delaying orgasm. The longer the ritual, the longer the pleasure/excitement. The longer the pleasure/excitement, the longer the escape.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:08 am 
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Excercise 18.

I'll take my ritual of masturbating whilst viewing internet porn.

Time.

I've learned how to prolong my experienece of pleasure. Starting with the flirtation with temptation. Surfing sites such as youtube or myspace, just for enjoyment, harmless right? (This is the way it appears in my head).
Slowly the need for greater stimulation occurs and the progression from soft titalation to hard porn begins. My mind runs wild jumping from fantasy to fantasy when one gets slightly dull the next one is indulged. This is the way I sustain the excitement to make it last as long as possable. After about 2 hours I'm done. I know I could continue but I'm over stimulated and my mind is tired. I find a favourite clip or pornstar and finish.

Intensity.

Slowly the intensity builds as I described in the above text. To maintain the level of excitement I need to start of flirting with the idea. 'Maybe I'll just have a look for 5 minutes' the voice says. 'Just a few soft pics of girls in bikinis.... No harm in that!' slowly I move to harder and harder porn to maintain the intensity for as long as possable. My touch varies sometimes it's hard and fast, sometimes it's soft. I'm an expert. I know how to do it so I keep myself on that edge but without falling over it. It's natural to me. As natural as driving or any other behavior/skill that becomes automatic over a period of time. My breathing is somtimes fast and shallow, sometimes slow and deep.

Habituation.

I rarely if ever view the same clip twice. Sometimes I will if I find something really stimulating. After a few views it looses it's power and new clips must be found. I know exactly where to look, what keywords to use. I know what I'm looking for, what I need in order to maintain the level. I know I won't reach an end because there are millions like me who demand new stimulation and the porn industry doesn't let us down. My first ever orgasm was when I masturbated whilst looking at pictures of topless woman. These are pictures that I would only glance at now, they don't hold enough stimulation for me. I've invested hours, days, weeks, months, years into maintaining this addiction. Making sure that I keep it alive.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 1:37 am 
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Exercise 17 and 18. Excellent. I didn't think you would have any problems with understanding the mechanics of this...just remember, these mechanics are only stepping stones for a deeper and more natural awareness of your addiction.

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Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:44 am 
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Excercise 20.

A. Learning martial arts. I was picked on sometimes during my early school days and at the age of twelve I started Karate classes in a very traditional school near to my home. I loved it, I was growing in confidence and strenght aswell as enjoying the discipline. I trained hard and was awarded with my first belt after only six months. I imagined myself becoming a great martial artist or reaching black belt standard, at least. A patern that I have seen running throughout my life has been taking setbacks or dissapointments as total failiure on my part. I have also sometime used these situations as victimization, 'It's there fault'. It was the same in this Karate school. My teacher didn't put me in for my next belt exam even though I felt ready. I never went back. A year later I started at a new school, only to see the pattern repeat itself. I was making myself a victim of my teachers decisions and rather than use these set backs as feedback or a means to deepen my determination, I simply walked away. It happened again in my first carreer as a hairdresser. My boss decided to keep me back from my final test for a further 6 months. Now I can see the reasons why he did that, and I see that he was acting in his and my best interest. Again, I made myself the victim and instead of taking this feedback as a means to strenghen myself I walked away. That job was a difficult one to get, it was a huge challenge, it was my dream and I left it heartbroken. I often looked back at that and wished that I'd had more maturity.

These examples may not seem like much but I see allot in them. My low self esteem, low confidence and my fear of failure. Was I focused on success as a martial artist? No. I was focussed on not failing. I also wanted the approval of my teacher. Why? Because I couldn't find that approval inside myself. The same can be said for my carrier as a hairdresser. As a result of these 2 patterns I have settled for much less than my full potential. I have stayed safe, protecting myself from failure and feedback that I percieved as dissaproval and lack of love.

With my goal to recover from addiction I have failed. As I go through this workshop I am beginning to see how nothing else was possable. My focus has always been more on stopping the behavior rather than living a healthy sex life and living my integrity. I had no real idea of my values, I knew certern things that I wanted but these were nothing more than puffs of smoke that I grasped at. My life has had no real foundation and so as a coping stratergie for the despare of not knowing my goals or purpose I had escaped through my addiction. I wanted to stop because I thought I should. It is only now that I am beginning to see the true cost of my addictive behavior and the true value of commiting to permanent change. The same patterns have aslo played out with the goal of wanting to end my addiction. Those patterns being. One slip and it's over! Worthlessness, inability to find self love. I am beginning to find it now.


B. I have been successful in implementing a change in my career over the past 2 years. I was absolutly determined to do this and nothing was going to get in my way. I was absolutley dedicated to the outcome. I knew what I needed and I made a good plan of the setps needed in order to get there. This was something (making a good plan, step by step) that I'd never done before. Before I would set myself a massive goal which had no reality to it, walk around with a kind of 'head in the clouds' euphoria for a couple of day, weeks or months, at the most. I would then become dissillusioned at my huge expectation, feel worthless at my inability to be implement instant, superhuman transformation, and then move on to the next 'thing'.

This time I took any mistakes as feedback and my determination to succeed grew stronger as a result of learning the lessons from the feedback I received. Thoughts of doubt and failure came up but I didn't entertain them, if there was ever anything that was really troubling I called my friends or mentor so as to gain clarity and move forward. I had to face my fears, doubts, and patterns of betraying myself. I had to step a little outside of my comfort zone. What also happened was an opening to receive. To receive help, support, feedback, and to receive myself as I was with all my imperfections. It was like saying yes to life rather than trying to have it my terms. Did I achieve my goal? Yes. How did I succeed? Because I was absoutley committed to a change in this area of my life. Anything that came in the way was seen as a chance for growth and empowerment, not as a failure or excuse for returning to old ways. I made realistic plans on how my goal would be achieved and I didn't skip any steps along the way.

C. Taking care of my body and wellbeing.

Do breathing excercises every morning.
Eat 3 healthy meals per day.
Take my herbal suppliments every day.
Meditate for a few minutes each day.
Perform a few minutes of simple excercise such as yoga or tai chi every other day.
Check in with myself a few times per day.
Take concious time (daily) to implement recovery skills into my daily life.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:43 am 
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re: "With my goal to recover from addiction I have failed."

I want you to challenge yourself on something here. One, what you shared about what you have since learned about true recovery is outstanding. Follow that path...supplement it with some fairly rudimentary tools...and you will find success with this goal.

However, you will need to keep the following obstacle in mind and actually take pride in not allow yourself to get sidetracked by this obstacle. What is it? Learned helplessness. When you have tried and tried in recovery...always coming up short for one reason or another...there often comes a time in a healthy recovery when you begin to expect/anticipate that these changes aren't real. That you are 'out of your league' in a sense and so, you allow yourself to sabotage the changes that you are making.

Challenge yourself to first be aware when you are doing this...then, choose the healthy path. Chalk this up to one more obstacle you won't have to worry about.

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Jon Marsh
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RecoveryNation.com


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 5:40 am 
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Thanks Jon, that's a great help. I know exactly what you are talking about. Once I get into that place of learned helplessness it is easy to rationalise acting out. I become undisciplined and I start to let myself get away with little things i.e. Watching the swimwear section on Fashion TV. My mind will say 'It's ok, this isn't porn, everyone watches this'. It may not be porn, but the mechanism is exacctly the same. In opening the door for myself in this way, I have, in the past, allowed my addiction to sneak back in until it's once again out of control. I then hold my hands up and say 'how did that happen?' I guess this is what you meant by throwing away the idiot card.... I think that's what you said?


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:02 am 
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Excercise 21.

Ok. First attempt at this. Lets see how it goes.

Ritual measured.

Looking/staring at woman in public places.

Primary Elements Involved.

Stimulation (Visual)
Fantasy (Dillusional)
Suspense
Accomplishment

Values Assigned.

Stimulation. Seems to be the main component because the woman will always be different. 'Maybe this is the one' my mind says. 3

Fantasy. What would she look like naked? What would it be like to have sex with her? Maybe she holds the wish fullfilling gem. 2

Suspense. How close can I get to her, how long can I follow. 2

Accomplishment. I relieved my stress, if only for a moment. 1

Filters Applied.

Stimulation.

Time. Make the most of what time I have. 6

Intensity. Depends on the attractivness of the woman. 8

Habituation. 1

Fantasy.

Time. Again, make the most of what little time there is. 4
Intensity. Can be vey intense depending on the attractiveness. 6
Habituation 3

Suspense.

Time. How long can I make this last. 5
Intensity. How close can I get. 7
Habituation 1

Accomplishment.

Time. Not long. 1
Intensity. My mind is useually on the next fix. 3
Habituation 2

Calculations.

STIMULATION
3x6=18
3x8=24
3x1=3
=4.5

FANTASY
2x4=8
2x6=12
2x3=6
=2.6

SUSPENCE
2x5=10
2x7=14
2x1=2
=2.6

ACCOMPLISHMENT
1x1=1
1x3=3
1x2=2
=0.6

Overall 9.8


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 4:29 am 
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Excercise 22.

I chose a very simple ritual yesterday. I wanted to measure this one because It seems to be the place where the urge to look at porn begins. If I'm walking around all morning, checking out girls, allowing myself to stare at or follow one after the other, by the time I get home my head is full of fantasy. The presure has, by this point built up and it feels like the only option is to act out.

It's good to start bringing awarness to this pattern by breaking it down into smaller chunks/behaviors. I really had to push myself to focus yesterday, but I'm glad that I did. After reading today's lesson I am staring to see the possibilities of measuring my rituals from the smallist to biggest.

I'm sure more awareness will come as a result of the breaking down process. It has been 3 weeks since I last masturbated whilst looking at porn. That last time was like all the others in that the urge seemed overwhelming and although I tried to resist there was a feelin of 'there's nothing I can do to stop this'. I don't feel like this in the face of my urges anymore and if I can bring measurement in as an active tool, I feel I have an even better chance of success.

As a relapse prevention it can only help. It might give me the chance to see what's happening before it's too late. If I can see the process in a more broken down way then perhaps I'll have more choice and in that choice the possibility of taking responsibility.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 5:57 am 
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Excercise 23.

Masturbating whilst watching internet porn.

Wheel of elements.

1. Sensory (visual)
2. Sensory (touch)
3. Internal mental conflict
4. Fantasy (visual)
5. Fantasy (distortion)
6. Suspense/anticipation
7. Audio (Internal voice and external sound)
8. Orgasm
9. No Orgasm
10. Accomplishment


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:01 pm 
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Lesson 23 continued.

Masturbating whilst watching internet porn. Without Orgasm.

1.I wake up with a feeling of tension and restlessness.
2.I know that my wife is leaving the appartment soon.
3.I experience internal mental conflict. I know I have an oppertunity to act out, but I already did yesterday and I promised myself that Yesterday would be the last time.
4.'Maybe if I just do it for 10 minutes' my mind says. 'If I do it for just 10 minutes and I don't have an Orgasm'........'Surely that's OK'.
5.My wife leaves the appartment.
6.I begin preparing my acing out session. I turn on my laptop. I role down the blinds. Lock the door from the inside. I take off my trosers and underware. All of this takes about 2 minutes and throughout this time the mental conflict continues.
7. I begin my ritual with a few soft clips....Girls in bikini's...'This isn't porn' my mind says....'Afterall it's just for 10 minutes.
8. The soft clips become boring. I need more.....'But I said only 10 minutes'.....'Go on.... You deserve it'.... 'You can stop when you want to'.
9.I go to my favourite clip site and let my fantasies run wild..... I begin to masturbate.
10.I feel a surge of excitment.... 'yes this was the right thing to do'.... 'It feels so good'.
11.I regulate my touch so as to keep my arosal level constant. I need to watch harder and harder clips.
12.'It could be me in these clips'....'These girls would do this for me'. I need more stimulation to maintain the excitment. I need the perfect girl, perfect body, perfect accessories, hair nails, shoes etc. 'She's out there waiting for me'.
13. It's 90minutes later. 90minutes that passed in the blink of an eye. My wife calls me. I pick up the phone and talk to her as if nothing is going on. I promise to do whatever tasks she wants me to do. Cleaning, shopping etc.
14. I carry on for 10 more minutes. I'm at saturation point now. I either need to Orgasm and finish it, or I stop.
15. I stop. I clear the history, cookies, cache etc. I go to the kitchen and eat a bowl of cereal.
16. I feel shame and guilt, but I also feel a sense of accomplishment inthat I didn't Orgasm....'That means I was really in control' my mind says....'That means I can still be available for my wife later' (I'm 35 and I can't Orgasm as often as I used to).
17. I attend to all the tasks that my wife has asked me to do, I also do some extra things so she'll be really pleased with me.... 'She'll think I'm a good husband.'


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