|Munkfish recovery thread*
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|Author:||munkfish [ Sun Aug 17, 2008 3:10 pm ]|
Lesson 23 continued again.
Masturbating whilst watching porn. With Orgasm
1.There's a feeling of background unrest and boredom.
2.I think of the pleasure that is just seconds away. All I need to do is type in the name of my favourite clip site and I can escape.
3.'My wife has her period' my mind says.....'She won't be wanting sex over the next few days'.
4.I do internal battle for a while as I try to suppress the urge for escape.'No! You know that you're going to feel like shit afterward'.....'I feel like shit now, so what's the difference!'......'You'll regret it'.....'Hmmmm what was the name of that site I founf the other day????'.....'Well, afterall she does have her period'..... 'But she still needs you to be emotionally present for her!'.... 'What if I just looked for a short time? That would be ok' etc etc.
5.I prepare the space for my ritual. Close the blinds, lock door, etc.
6.I begin to look at images...'Mmmmmm, all of these girls, available for me... They never say no...Never Judge'
7.I decide to allow myself to masturbate.
8.'It doesn't matter if I Orgasm'....'I deserve it'.
9.I control my touch so as to bring myself to a slow climax.
10.I surf stronger and stronger images.
11.After about 90 minutes I'm ready. I find my favourite girl/sceane/fetish/fantasy, and climax.
12.The shame and guilt kicks in after about 30 seconds. I clean myself up. I clean up the computer, history, cookies, etc.
13.I go to the kitchen and eat some cereal.
14.My mind is filled with self judgement, self hatred, etc.
15.I do household tasks out of shame and guilt.
16.I useually repeat the same process 1-2 hours later.'I've already messed up today.... Might aswell make myself feel better'.
|Author:||munkfish [ Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:12 am ]|
Lesson 23 continued.
The compulsion wheel is slightley different for this behaviour.
Looking/staring at woman in public places.
Compulsive wheel elements.
1.I see an attractive woman.
2.I experience a sudden fixing of my attention and a feeling of attraction, like a moth can't resist bright light.
3.My thoughts are in conflict.'You're not supposed to look'....'But she's so sexy' etc.
4.I look again, but try not to make it look to obvious. I don't want anyone to see. Especially my wife.
5.I drink in the visual feast. Her legs, ass, breasts. The shape of her body, her walk, her hair, her fingernails, her shoes. I fantasize about seeing her naked.
6.I follow her trying to get as close as possible. If I'm lucky I'll get to stand behind her on an escalator or walk behind her up some stairs.
7.I get bored. I have taken the maximum stimulation. I turn away and look for the next opportunity.
8. If I'm with my wife I feel a sense of accomplishment. I acted out without getting court, my image of being a good, devoted husband is intact.
|Author:||munkfish [ Mon Aug 18, 2008 5:39 am ]|
In doing this last excercise I've realised that there are a few things that I didn't tell my wife yet. I need to clear all of these things with her. I know this because I wouldn't feel comfortable with her reading my last posts for Excercise 23. I will address this before I move onto the next excercise.
|Author:||munkfish [ Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:00 am ]|
Again the elements are slightly different for this ritual.
Compulsive Ritual. Late night channel surfing.
1.My wife go's to the bathroom to shower and get ready for bed.
2.I experience a surge of excitement as I know I have a chance to act out.
3.I start surfing the channels as fast as possible.
4. I experience some internal conflict but it is nothing in the face of the cocktail of chemicals that are now surging through my body.
5.I turn the volume low so I can hear my wifes movments.
6.I know I don't have much time. Maybe 10-12 minutes, at the most.
7.I find two or three channels that are showing semi naked woman.
8.I surf between these channels as the excitment builds.
9.I put my hand down my pants and start to touch myself.
10.I switch to CNN before switching to my favourite channel. I keep my finger on the back/previous channel button, so I can change it quickly.
11.I hear the shower stop. Time to end my ritual.
12.I hit the back button, turn up the volume.
13.My mind runs wild with fantasies, but there's nothing I can do now. I make a promise to myself to act out at the next available oppertunity.
14.I feel a sense of achievment at having acted out and not getting caught.
|Author:||munkfish [ Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:31 pm ]|
Walking through Amsterdam red light district.
1.I am on my own in Amsterdam.
2.I feel a need to have some excitement.
3.I have the idea to go to the red light district to look at the girls in the windows.
4.I reject the idea and tell myself to do something else.
5.I try to think of other things to do, but all of my ideas seem hopeless as they will not give me the same rush as I would get when I look at the semi naked woman in the windows.
6.I decide to go to the redlight district telling myself that I find it fascinating. That it is a tourist attraction. That I'm only going to look so that's ok.
7.I head accross town to the red light.
8.My head is filled with fantasies of what I might see.
9.I arrive and start to walk around pretending to be a tourist, glancing at the girls but also enjoying the sights of the city.
10.I begin to look more at the girls. I dare not look for more than a few seconds in case they open the door and invite me in.
11.I fantasize about what might happen if I accepted an invitation. What I would ask them to do. The fantasies I would fullfill. The things I would get them to do. Things that I had always been to shy or ashamed to ask any of my girlfriends for.
12.I stop and talk to one of the girls. I smile at her and tell her how beautiful she is.
13.She invites me inside and lets me know that I can ask her for anything I want.
14.I say thankyou and goodbye.
15.I walk away feeling frilled at the possibility that was just offered.
16.I walk the red light district for another hour.
17.I feel numb inside.
18.I leave the area feeling guilt and shame.
19.I walk back to my guest house feeling self hatred and cursing myself for wasting another afternoon in this beautiful city.
|Author:||CoachJon [ Wed Aug 20, 2008 11:36 pm ]|
re: "I know this because I wouldn't feel comfortable with her reading my last posts for Excercise 23. I will address this before I move onto the next excercise."
You see? This is what I am talking about. THIS is how to effectively implement values and boundaries in your life management. You recognize something--no matter how that awareness comes to pass--you recognize that it violates a boundary or is incongruent with a top value and you TAKE ACTION. Nobody tells you to take action. Nobody has to discover that you haven't shared this with your wife. YOU become aware and so YOU take action. This is the exact type of experience that you need to continue accumulating. The kind where your top prioritized values (like partnership, honesty and integrity) dictate your decision making over lesser values (like crisis-avoidance and avoiding emotional discomfort).
re: "the rituals themselves"
The rituals themselves are pretty good as well. Good depth. We will continue what we have started in coaching by expanding this depth, but you are making it easy with your ability to reach such detail.
|Author:||munkfish [ Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:43 am ]|
1.Watching my favourite team play football on Tv.
2.Drinking my 2nd bottle of beer.
3.The effects of the alcohol mixed with of the excitment of the game create a high.
4.I feel good and I desrve to feel good after a hard days work.
5.Slowly I notice that the football and Beer are loosing there edge.
6.I open another bottle of beer.
7.I need something more. Something to sustain or even take my pleasure/excitement to the next level.
8.I know what's needed so turn on my laptop.
9.Just in turning on my laptop I get a sudden rush of excitement. There's no internal conflict.
10.My boundaries are disolved in the alcohol and I allow my mind to run wild with usually forbidden fantasies.
11.I surf page after page, clip after clip. I'm totally consumed in my ritual. my wife is away for the weekend so I know I won't need to face her this evening.
12.I feel I've reached a plateau and know I can go no further without violating one of the few boundaries I have.
13.I find a great clip and orgasm.
14.I feel empty but the alcohol masks any feeling of guilt or shame.
15.I go to the fridge and get another beer.
16.I open a pack of chips and sit down to watch the rest of the football.
17.I feel dirty and disturbed by what I've just done/seen. I drink more beer to help numb out those feelings.
18.The football ends.
19.I surf the net again this time for regular porn. I do this with the excuse of bringing myself down to a more healthy level of fantasy.
20.I orgasm again.
21.I go to bed feeling exhausted and longing for the sleep that will help me escape my self disgust.
|Author:||munkfish [ Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:49 am ]|
Exercise 26A continued....
First part of chain.
1.My wife leaves for work early.
2.I feel the familier feeling of having a day to myself and trying to avoid acting out. I already know I'm doomed, it's just a question of how long I can postpone the act through internal/mental conflict.
3.I am still holding onto a few ideas of how I should be......'A good husband'....'Trustable' etc. but my urge is eating away at these.
4.I think of a new fantasy. One that I didn't explore before. Maybe this will be the one, the last one.
5.I get out of bed and begin my preparations to act out. Close blinds, lock door, turn on laptop, etc.
6.I begin my search in eager anticipation. I know from previous experience that it's just a matter of time before I find what I'm looking for.
7.I begin masturbating even though I haven't found what I'm looking for yet. The thrill of the search is enough.
8.I find what I'm looking for and for a few minutes I hit a new high. I imagine how I might go to a prostitute in order to act this fantasy out for real. Yes, I would do this for sure if I wasn't married. Maybe at some point I'll get the chance.
9.I orgasm quickly.
10.I feel relaxed and emptied for a moment before the hopelessness kicks in.
11.I clear the history, cookies, cache.
Second part of chain.
1.I feel self hatred, shame and disgust. I also feel fear at having to see my wife later.
2.I go to the kitchen and get some breakfast.
3.My mind is spinning. How was it that I was able to forget this feeling. The feeling of having betrayed myself, my marriage, my ideas of how I would like to be. The worthlessness.
4.I do whatever I can to distract myself. Read football reports, check my email, etc.
5.My wife calls me and I speak to her as if everything is fine.
6.The conversation ends and I feel retched.
7.I begin to fantasize again. It's the only way I know to escape this pain.
8.I type in the name of my favourite clip site and start looking at my favourite pornstars. I do this with the intention of just looking.
9.'I've already messed up today'....'So what if I act out again'... I start to masturbate and immediatly feel the pleasure overcome the pain.
10.I continue masturbating for another 45minutes by the end of which I feel numb.
12.I clear the history, etc. Whilst doing this I feel even more disgusted with myself. I'm resigned to this feeling now.
13. I can't wait until tomorrow when It'll be a new day.
Third part of chain.
1.I suddenly remember all the tasks that I needed to do today. It's already early afternoon and my wife will be home in a few hours.
2.I go about my tasks. Laundry, food shopping, cleaning, mailing letters, paying bills. I do this with a feeling of guilt and shame in hope that this will somehow make me a good husband again.
3.I buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. Thinking about the evening ahead and that a glass of wine and a movie might help get me through the evening.
4.I return home.
5.Again I am experiencing fantasies.
6.I look at the bottle of wine and it reminds me of my good intention and the fact that I've done all of the tasks I needed to do. My wife will be pleased, surely I deserve a little reward.
7.I prepare the setting to act out once more. 'Maybe this will be the last time ever', I say to myself. 'After this I will stop'.
8.I type in the address of a fetish site. Regular porn won't be enough now.
9.I begin to masturbate again.
10.I surf the sites of various Dominatrix's and misstress's. I read the menu of services that they provide and emagine visiting them.
11.I feel a kind of disaccociated numbness that is better than the feelings of shame and self hatred that I was experiencing before I started masturbating.
12.I bring myself to orgasm. I barely even notice any pleasure in this orgasm appart from a very short feeling of emptyness and release. I am reminded of the french translation of the word 'Orgasm', which is 'Little Death'. I wish I could die righ now. Or at least crawl into a hole, alone, in the dark.
13. I clean myself up and notice that I've injured myself. I tell myself that the injury will serve me as I won't be able to masturbate for a few days.
14.I clear the history,cookies and cache for the third time today.
15.I begin preparing dinner for myself and my wife. She'll be home in 30 minutes and I'm dredding it. I want to run away.
16. I open a beer and drink it whilst I'm preparing dinner. As I do this I try to rationalise my behavior. I try to escape the fact that I've wasted my day. I can't wait until tomorrow, tomorrow will be a new day.
|Author:||munkfish [ Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:24 am ]|
Viewing internet porn.
1.I'm on my own in my apartment and feeling restless.
2.I have thoughts of a new clip site I discovered during my last acting out session.
3.I dismiss the thoughts. I will have no chance to act out over the next 5 days and I didn't act out yesterday. I was hoping to make it through at least a week.
4.The fantasies come now. I know I'm on limited time. Just a question of how long until I give in.
5.I think of all the pornstars that are waiting to fullfill my pleasure.
6.I start to reationalise.'Well I will have 5 days off after today'. 'What if I just looked for a few minutes.....Just to test myself'.
7.I go to Google and type in the name of the clip site.
8.I click on the page and I'm in.
9.It was 2 days ago that I found this site and more clips have been uploaded since then. I experience a surge of addrenaline.
10.My hands are shaking and I can feel the excitment building.
11.I decide to masturbate so I quicky prepare. Close blinds, take my trousers off, get some toilet paper to clean up afterwards.
12.I begin masturbating to the clips. There's so many options to choose from.So many categories to explore.
13.I look at harder and harder clips as I let my fantasies run wild.
14.I have to bring myself back from the brink. I nearly had my orgasm to soon. I need to sustain this for at least another 30 minutes.
15.I come accross a unusual style of clip. It's a new twist. Something I hadn't thought of or fantasized about before.
17.I clean myself up.
18.I clear the history,cache, and cookies.
19.I do a scan of my hard drive and temp files just to make sure that nothing has been overlooked or embedded in the system.
20.I go to the kitchen to get some food. The pain and shame are as strong as ever.
Additional distructive elements.
Use of lubricant.
Inserting something into my anus.
Use other accessories such as my wifes underware, shoes, etc.
Adding extra stimulation by inflicting mild pain on myself.
*purchasing membership so that I get to view the full length sponsor clips.
*Make a video of myself performing this ritual.
*These last 2 would have involved me violating my own boundaries regarding my addiction. I have never paid money for internet porn (other than the monthly cost of my internet connection). I have never filmed myself.
|Author:||munkfish [ Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:52 am ]|
I began with thinking of the things that are emportant to me. I also thought of my values. I experienced gratitude for knowing my values and knowing what is really important in my life. I thought of my regrets and was suprised to see that the emotions came much stronger than a few moments ago when I'd thought of my values. I thought of the traumers aswell as the regrets and I experienced a deep sadness. I thought of my wonderful moments and again felt gratitude. I have had many years of experience with meditation so I didn't find this exercise so difficult.
I thought of one of my compulsive behaviors an began to experience the rush of heat in my body. I felt excitement and anticipation and my mind was ready to run wild. I felt pleasure flow through my body and I let it build until the urge to act out was really strong. I stopped my thinking and stayed with the emotions. Slowly as they were no longer getting fed by my thinking they subsided and I was left with a familier feeling of emptyness. I considered the possability of acting out and betraying my values. I felt the shame and despare. I considered the possability of staying true to my values. I felt the empowerment and groundedness.
Key thoughts and the emotions that where triggered.
Least anxious state- Many. I don't know if I can pick one. A few years ago I spent 10 days in silence at a buddist monistary in Thailand. During those times I experienced deep peace and bliss and a total absense of anxiety.
Most anxious state. Many. The time of my mothers illness and her death. The time I ended up in hospital after takeing cocaine and ecstasy.
|Author:||CoachJon [ Mon Aug 25, 2008 2:08 am ]|
re: "Viewing internet porn"
Very detailed description of the elements. Make sure that you are also coming to see where the beginning of each sexual ritual is...where the 'point of no return' is...what games you play with yourself to distort reality/disavow responsibility, etc. You don't have to document these things as part of the rituals, but you should be actively seeking them out in your explorations.
|Author:||munkfish [ Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:56 am ]|
Stresses over the last week.
Argument with my wife. Moderate
Wasps nest found in my loft. Moderate
Lack of response to PM. Mild
Working Saturday in the salon. Moderate
Foot problem. Mild
Mosquito's keeping me awake at night. mild/moderate
New Neighbours. Mild
My wifes PMT. Mild/Moderate
B.I see a shift here fo sure. I have a few moments eachday were I could fold, act out etc, But I didn't because I am becoming more aware of how important these values are. Creating a break is very good when I'm faced with a strong urge and After pulling out the paper and reading through my values I always feel grateful for the transformation that's takeing place. I notice that if I allow myself to fixate on a woman (I'm not talking about noticeing her. If I wanted to avoid seeing woman all together I'd need to walk around with my eyes glued to the floor, and then I'd probably get triggered by high heels shoes :-) in that moment I'm somehow betraying all of my values. For what? A bit of short term stimulation? I'm no longer willing to make this trade, it's not a good deal!
C. Absolutly. My top values are the places where my fullfillment is coming from. It's wonderful to have my wife walk through the door knowing that I have nothing to hide. It's great to have extra energy to focus on my work. I love the fact that I'm starting to live my integrity.
|Author:||munkfish [ Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:58 pm ]|
Daily development. second phase of daily monitoring.
Here are 2 areas I wish to develope over the next week.
I would like to use any compulsive tendencies as an oppertunity to take a break and deepen my awareness whilst growing in emotional maturity.
I would like to gain a deeper awareness during my day to day tasks. How can I take such tasks as food shopping, laundry, cooking and integrate aspects of them into my values, instead of doing them just to get them done?
|Author:||munkfish [ Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:22 am ]|
1.To come to peace within myself. I am already much more at peace through simply stopping my porn and masturbation. This value is a work in progress and may continue to be for many years to come. Feels like I'm onthe right track.
2.To be Transparent (not lead a double life).It feels good to know that I'm not hideing anything from my wife. It's good that she comes through the door and I can just meet her knowing that I have lived my integrity today.
3.To be a true friend to myself and everyone I meet.Still need to work on this one. whilst I have stopped my porn and masturbation ritual I still find that I'm makeing decisions based on emotions that have the same qualities as my sexual compulsive behavior. This is not the way I want to respond to life. (I think you know what I'm talking about Jon).
4.To develope my work and be the best I can be.I am progressing here. Perhaps at a slower pace than I would like, but progress all the same.
5.To give my gifts fully.A work in progress. I'm just beginning to realise what these gifts are.
6.To live in full allignment with my outer and inner purpose. Becoming clearer by the day :-)
7.To take good care of my body. Again, makeing progress.
8.To stay grounded and clear in love work and play.It's comeing. Creating a break has been and will continue to be valuable in maintaining this value.
9.To grow in maturity on all levels. Needs work and awareness. Which is why I've made this one a priority for my daily development. I realise this isn't an overnight process. I'm learning from my mistakes.
10.To attend teachings, events and activities that support my spiritual path and personal growth/awakening. This is a value that is well integrated and essentual for me. I will be going to my next training retreat at the end of September. This workshop is also a huge part of this value.
11.To deepen the intemacy within my marriage. On all levels. Getting there day by day :)
12.To be finacially successful. Not yet :-(
13.To take responsability. Yes. Slowly slowly day by day.
14.To have humour/laughter in my life. It's coming.
15.To have thrills, pleasure and excitement.Yes, but in healthy ways.
16.To escape or loose myself.Yes, but again, in healthy ways.
Changes to action plans.
I have re read my action plans and feel they are all very strong and realistic. The old thing I would say is that if all of my action plans and values seem to be failing in the face of temptation, take a break. Thats what I've been doing and it seems to work out well.
|Author:||CoachJon [ Wed Aug 27, 2008 10:56 pm ]|
re: "Creating a break is very good when I'm faced with a strong urge and After pulling out the paper and reading through my values I always feel grateful for the transformation that's takeing place."
This is indeed a good secondary benefit from using your values list here...but please, don't make the common mistake of thinking that this is the primary purpose of such action. Such action as an urge control strategy is not sustainable. It's just a stepping stone.
re: "I would like to use any compulsive tendencies as an oppertunity to take a break and deepen my awareness whilst growing in emotional maturity.
I would like to gain a deeper awareness during my day to day tasks. How can I take such tasks as food shopping, laundry, cooking and integrate aspects of them into my values, instead of doing them just to get them done?"
These are two excellent ones. I would encourage you though, to just choose one and actively focus on it over the next week. Not that you can't also be aware of such other things...you can and should. But since these two things have a fairly wide scope--just tackle one this week, seeking to engage in very specific actions that will advance your depth/experience/awareness.
If at the end of the week you haven't made progress in that area--know that what you are monitoring is too general and you will need to make it more specific. Also, if you find yourself not waking up in the morning and saying, 'Today, I'm going to look for opportunities to..." and following that at night by summarizing how you did, then you are not developing this skill with the proper mechanics. And it WILL come back to haunt you when we evolve it to that third and final stage.
But you have certainly chosen two areas that are critical to health. Excellent.
re: " The old thing I would say is that if all of my action plans and values seem to be failing in the face of temptation, take a break."
At this point, that's okay. Just know that it is a temporary solution that is geared towards buying yourself time to install a more permanent solution in the weeks to come.
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