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PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2016 3:00 am 
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I. Develop your Daily Monitoring list. Construct it in some sort of word processing document (Word, Notepad, Wordpad, etc.) so that you may update it as needed. Post this list into your Recovery Thread.
Note: If you are in personal coaching, your Coach will help you build this in Session II. It will then be converted to an online form so that they can assist you in accountability. Please have your initial monitoring plan ready for review by that second session.
II. For the next two weeks, select a particular time each day (typically, right before going to bed or, just after awakening) and complete this monitoring. It is not intended as a checklist to measure your success/failure. It exists instead to provide you with ongoing focus and awareness. And, to establish a mechanical monitoring process that will eventually become an internalized, natural monitoring process.
Remember: Spend no more than five minutes in reviewing your Daily Monitoring each day. While it may seem beneficial to spend fifteen minutes or more going over your behavior...this has historically proved to be destructive in the long run. You are establishing a pattern of monitoring that should be quick and natural. Not drawn-out and complex. Also, remember that this list will evolve as you evolve. If you require the same item on your list for more than thirty days in a row...and you have not either 1) ingrained that issue as an area to monitor internally; or, 2) resolved the issue...then you are doing something wrong. Post the issue in the community forum for assistance.


GENERAL

Did I forego instant gratification that would block progress to my ultimate goals for productive behaviours that lead to accomplishing those goals?
or
did I succumb to unconscious pleasure seeking that generally harms my life and relationship with myself?

PHYSICAL

Did you take care of your body today so that it can repair, be at it’s optimal health and sense of wellbeing? And so that your mind can repair, function clearly and be at it’s best?

Did you behave in a way that is conducive to reaching your fitness/physique/health goals?

Did you ensure you were well rested?

FINANCES

Were you financially responsible today?

Did you take time to work on your budget plan that will be enacted in the next few weeks?

MENTAL ATTITUDE/EMOTION

Did I focus on solutions to problems or on the problems only

Were your thoughts and emotions in line with someone who will get themselves out of debt and improve themselves, truly change?
I.E.: was I unnecessarily negative in my thoughts, maudlin, petulant, defeatist
OR
- positive despite setbacks or negative occurrences around me?

Were my thoughts dominated by ruminations on past failures and humiliations,
or
did I let the past go for the moment, and see the future as a place of new possibility where good things can happen?

AM I FREINDLY WITH THE PRESENT AND PAYING ATTENTION TO IT

Did I approach others with a sense of worthiness and of being equal them?
Or
did I approach people with a sense of being inferior, unwanted, incompetent, unimportant?

CREATIVITY

Were your actions congruent with someone who wishes to progress in her visual arts skills?

Were your actions congruent with someone who wants to progress in her musical skills?

GENERAL

Did I do things I HAD to do despite not wanting to do them?

Did I behave according to my ethics today?

UNCONSCIOUS PLEASURE SEEKING/INSTANT GRATIFICATION
-picking skin
-eating favourite snacks ritually
-surfing the internet for random useless questions that come to mind because I don't want to focus on what I have to do
-thinking about heartbreaking things, disappointments :->feeds the pain body

Did I work quickly and diligently with focus, intention and concentration?
Or
Did I drag my ass, do the bare minimum possible, be inefficient with my time?

Did I behave in a way I would admire in another?

Were you gross today? Did you behave in a way that fills you with distaste, shame or disgust?

Did I prioritize my activities responsibly? Was I responsible for myself and my issues today?

-Did I behave in a way that is congruent with helping to save the earth’s natural world? Animals and ecosystems?

-Did I behave in a way that is congruent with someone who would like to change humans’ impact on the earth by finding a way to fulfill their basic needs so that they are less warlike and more respectful of the environment that supports them?

RELATIONSHIPS

-did I pay as much attention to friendship as romance?

-did I think a person's name compulsively over and over again?

-did I compulsively check messages for word from a man?

-did I approach him from a place of confidence and unattached joy in myself and my life, or a place of deficiency and need?


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 8:31 pm 
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<b>Lesson 15 Exercises:
I. Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.<b>

It has been more like 6 months, and I still cannot successfully do all of the things listed in my Daily Monitoring everyday, consistently.
It is not that these things are not important to me, they are.
Many of them are vital for my survival, financial and physical. Their importance cannot understated.
The rest are vital for me to feel as if I am doing <i>anything</i> of personal importance to me. Progressing or learning in any way.
Despite the lack of mastering the things listed in my Daily Monitoring, I feel I need to forge ahead, or I will just stall there and never finish the RN nation work.

What I have learned:
-I have extreme difficulty figuring out what is a priority and doing that first in a day
-I have a problem with starting 10, 20, 50 things and finishing none of them
-my mind is constantly whirling with all the things I "have" to do as I basically have a backlog of 10 years of not finishing any projects
-despite all this, I have realized I just have to keep going. It might take 10 years, but eventually some things will get done. Order will eventually come out of chaos. At least some of it :)


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 8:53 pm 
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Lesson 16 Exercise:
I. Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)?
Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction — to begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than as some kind of supernatural fate or disease that you are doomed to suffer.
Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.


Love addiction and romantic relationships:
-provided me with a sense of importance
-provided me with a sense of worth
-another way of going out, socializing, parties, friendships
-gave me a purpose to my life when everything else had not worked out, or was more difficult to achieve than the love of another person and the relationship they provided...and so it became my everything.


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PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 7:12 am 
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Lesson 17 Exercise:
I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behavior. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behavior.


I'm not really feeling this at the moment and will give it more thought and return to it.
The last 2 lessons have brought up many realizations for me that are not addressed by the excercises that follow. I may just sum those up instead. Here are a few ideas tho...

Compulsive ritual: All of these involve an element not on the RN wheel: AVOIDANCE (of responsibility, hard work, achieving anything real in my life)

-thinking about my ex/ wishing we were together: FANTASY, SUSPENSE(aka HOPE), AVOIDANCE...also just plain love
-going to his house: FANTASY, SENSES, ACCOMPLISHMENT, AVOIDANCE
-Trying to have romantic relationships with men despite the fact it was most often not a good idea: PAST,(trying to correct the first initial horrible relationship), AVOIDANCE
-drinking: POLY ADDICTIONS, SENSES, AVOIDANCE


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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 2:31 pm 
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Lesson 18
II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.


RITUAL: quickly losing myself and making my life revolve around my romantic partner at the expense of everything else

TIME: all of the time I spend thinking about "our" life, making plans where they are involved. All the time I STOP spending on ANY of my hobbies, interests, or other people I know.

HABITUATION: this happens slowly over the course of 3-6 months generally. I'm like a frog in a pot of cold water that slowly starts to heat up to boil. Despite the fact that I'm logically aware of the fact that I'm losing all the other facets of my life, I seem unable to stem the tide. I'm pulled irrevocably further and further in to the relationship- always much to the displeasure of my significant other who began dating me because I was strong, interesting, independant, funny. I focus more and more on it until it is the only thing in my life. And then my life is very unrewarding and boring and I become miserable. But it is the easiest way for me to feel like I've "accomplished" something, so I continue to do it. It's easier than becoming a highly skilled worker, or musician, or artist.

INTENSITY: Becomes more and more intense until it just plateaus, and this is where the relationship begins to fall apart. It can't provide me with any more pleasure than it already has. It has reached its limit. And because I've lost all connection with anything else I value in life (making art or music, taking in film or art, playing sports, pursuing new interests, spending time doing these things with friends rather than a romantic interest) I have no other outlet for satisfaction in my life, and I become extremely disatisfied, then depressed, then suicidal


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 7:41 pm 
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Lesson 19
There is no written exercise associated with this lesson. Instead, there is only a call to deepen your awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for all of tomorrow...become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in — as you are engaging in them.

Because you will not be held externally accountable for what you are being asked to do, it will be easy to chalk this up as a 'break' from having to do anything further with this lesson. That would be a very big mistake. Your success will be defined by the skill you will develop in personal awareness. So please, do exactly as you're being asked here: become hyper-aware of all rituals you engage in over the next few days. Do not limit this awareness to sexually compulsive rituals... or even to compulsive rituals. Explore all of your actions for their 'ritualistic' nature. Brushing your teeth. Eating. Driving to work. Become conscious of your thoughts/feelings as you complete these rituals.

Feel free to share any insights in your recovery thread, but you do not have to.


COMPULSIVE RITUAL: losing myself in my romantic relationship (HAPPENED AGAIN!!!)

My work on Recovery Nation stalled several times over the last year, due to getting involved with someone before I was healed and solid in my healthy life, and VOILA! They broke up with me last week because an Obsessed Love Addict is needy and boring because their life revolves around their romantic interest. I ignored the inner voice that said to keep my distance until I had completed this work, and as always, happens, the person becomes blase about me because I lack confidence, cease to fascinate them and they want someone more interesting, in short. And now I am devastated because I had fallen in love with him and could see a future with him. I keep losing men because they want someone who is happy and excited about their life, who is a mover and a shaker in their own right. Not someone who just latches on to their boyfriend's life, and doesn't bring anyone or anything to the party but her desire to be desired. And it always backfires, and I end up being unwanted.

smaller compulsive rituals:
-ruminating and then crying about the past (unable to move on or forget)
-avoiding tasks/projects that I have started by doing the above
-surfing the internet mindlessly
-doing 1-2 day drinking benders. Once I get started, it goes into a cycle of compulsion.

OTHER THOUGHTS:
"It is your responsibility to determine what type of person you want to be and what type of life you want to live"
- I want to be a happy person with lots of good friends I see and engage with on a regular basis, who accomplishes creative tasks I find fulfilling, perhaps working with other people.
- I want to be respected as an equal. Because of my behaviour, and then later just my seeming bad luck with men and career, people seem to look down on me, like I am a has been. I never felt like this before in my life. I'm not lacking vitality, so this has to be a mental thing. And then I send this vibration out to those around me, and they disrespect me.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 3:10 pm 
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LESSON 20: This exercise may take you twenty minutes or it may take you twenty days. The value in it will be found in the clarity that you are able to achieve in defining the roles that addiction has played/can still play in your life.
You are now tasked with applying what you have learned to your own addiction. There are two ways of approaching this:
1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period.
Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction).


-my love/relationship addiction started when I lost my virginity at age 13 in a traumatizing way. It was then that I lost all personal power. In an attempt to regain or feel in control, I began a life of serial monogamy. To appear to myself and others that I had not lost control. For high school, I would be considered promiscous, although it was only an attempt to feel validated, and in power by having the admiration or "love" of a man. I had slept with 8 people by the age of 18. All of whom I had attempted to have relationships with, but several were only month or so long. The admiration of a man slowly superceded all the other things I valued in myself or my life (values). I slowly gave up on all the things that made me interesting, both to myself and hence other people: drawing, singing, having a fun circle of girlfriends or platonic friends I enjoyed spending time with as much as with a boyfriend. These started to take second place. And my quality of life diminished accordingly.

Times in my life when this addiction waned, when I was happily single, (age 20 and age 25) were times of amazing personal growth in my life, huge happy amazing changes, incredible good luck, great happiness. I was happy with myself and my own life without a partner. And of course, inevitably it takes little time for a joyous woman to attract a similar man. But each time the addiction set in within 6 months or less, and slowly ate away at my life and sucked the life out of the relationship. It is like I cannot maintain interest in my own passions while there is a man in my life. Now at age 41, it is almost like I can no longer feel passion for anything at all. I let my gifts all go to waste. I've wasted at least 10 years. And having had this cycle happen yet again recently, I am just trying to hold it together. I recently read an article on "manifesting your soulmate" (don't really believe in soulmates, but whatev...) manifesting an excellent mate, let's say, and the article dovetails very nicely with the RN workshop.

"Now, suppose that you begin to get clear about the kind of person that your soulmate is. And you decide he or she is Abundant, Affectionate, Ambitious, Beautiful, Caring, Charismatic, Considerate, Creative, and so forth. Now, imagine that this person – who possess all of these wonderful qualities – was simultaneously looking back at you and secretly seeing you the way that you are right now, do you think that they would be proud of what they were seeing? Would they be interested in hanging out with you, in dating you? Chances are, the answer is no."

"The Process of Manifesting Your Soulmate is, for the most part, an Inner Journey. It is the process of committing ourselves to becoming the kind of person we want to attract.

When you commit to manifesting your soulmate you’re saying, in essence, that you’re ready for the next stage of your unfoldment, your evolution. That you are willing to go and discover the best gifts that are emerging from within you, and to do the same with somebody else, while you support them along their journey."

This is what has been missing from ME in all of my relationships. Men are attracted to me because I am vivacious, joyous, talented, funny, confident, unique...and then the addiction kicks in and I lose myself. I become depressed. I become an absolute mess of insecurities.
I tell them I have no gifts, I'm a failure, incompetent, a fuck up, that I'm not worth being with, that they can do better. I convince myself, and so behave accordingly (stop having my own social life, stop being creative, stop inspiring them), and so convince them, and they leave. I'm getting traumatized. I keep manifesting the man I want, and then don't step up to the plate to spar with them. To create with them as an equal. I make them the source of all the excitement and interest in the relationship. I latch on to them and their life and successes instead of having my own to share with them.

The article says to make 3 lists to attract your mate: The Ideal Mate list (qualities you would like them to have), the Deal Breaker list (3 things that would rule them out), and Your Gifts. It is this last where I'm realizing I'm deficient in relationships, and where the RN workshop is forcing me to face. In the article this list is:

"3) The Third List: Your Gifts. The third list is, in my opinion, the most important one. Your soul mate will not be coming into your life to rescue you, make you happy, or save your life. A soul mate is a friend and partner with whom you’ll be sharing your life. Someone who will love, nurture and support you while you love, nurture and support them. Someone who understands the power and beauty of a true soulmate union and will hold the space for love, even when you can’t.

This list is about you. [color=#0000FF]It’s about what you are bringing to the relationship. Here you want to list the unique gifts that you will be sharing with your soulmate[/color] who, in turn, will nurture and support them."

Here is where I have completely failed, especially in my last 2 relationships, which were of course with the 2 men closest to my ideal. Unless I feel like I am a success on my own, I will never feel worthy of the men I actually want.
Unfortunately, these last few rejections as well as my lack of success in my career has fucking destroyed my confidence. I am shellshocked. Shaken. I don't know how to get back on my feet.

So gifts. What will I bring to a relationship with a person I admire, respect and love? And my answer right now is heartbreaking: nothing. I feel like I have nothing to give. That I don't compare to others.
If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have had a good list. The events of the last 10 years have caused me to stop believing in that list. I have since also learned about the Law of Attraction and how my focusing only on my failures or negative traits has only amplified them until I am at the low point I'm at today. I am so grateful I found the RN Workshop to ground me through this...well for me, horror.

The "values" the RN Workshop is getting you to base your life around are the "Gifts" you will bring to the relationship. They are interchangeable. Without them I will never have a happy healthy relationship where the 2 people inspire and support each other. That is what both of my last partners were lacking in me: a real partner. A person they could admire and feel proud of.

I am a person who is not living her truth. But I don't really know what that is.

2) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 4:10 am 
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LESSON 21
A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?
B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?
C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.
Example:
"I want to end my addiction by January 1st, 2009." This is too general. There are too many variables involved with 'ending my addiction' and to write them all out would be an overwhelming task.
"I want to have completed the recovery workshop by June 1st." This is specific and manageable. You can then potentially break down the lessons into smaller chunks...assigning checkpoints along the way to make sure you are on track.


A- I attempted to become a professional concept artist, storyboard artist, then illustrator.
I failed because I chose the wrong program 2x, one that would not furnish me with the skills and confidence to go out and apply for jobs
- I failed to fill in those gaps in my skills by teaching myself. I find learning the nitty gritty of draughtsmanship difficult on my own, and so tried to enlist the help of teachers via schooling to help me. But intense perspective drawing, and memorization of anatomy was not the focus of these schools, and didn't realize until I had gotten half way through the program.
- I failed because as I realized I was more and more down a road I didn't want to be on, I got more an more discouraged and lost my momentum and excitement for following this path of work. I started drinking more and more and more or less gave up on pushing to have some sort of art career.
- It also didn't help that I didn't have any parental financial support as many of my peers who came from the same class, who slogged for several years, but then have eventually made careers for themselves...
-the type of artists who came out of OCAD who were successful right away generally were "style" artists, not technically good draughtspeople..I was just in the wrong program.
-I failed because then I didn't even try to apply for any kind of editorial jobs, and slowly stopped my practice.
Learning music/piano singing:
-not enough consistent practice
-discouragement at my lack of natural talent for instruments, and the degradation of my voice

B - large goals where I have succeeded?
-paying off my student loan : because I got a really good job for a while
-moving to MTL: because I used all my savings from said good job, and was brave enough to try living in a new place. (I now see this decision as quite reckless)

C- recovery goal: To finish the RN Workshop asap: I count 54 lessons remaining. So If I average 1 per day, I should be able to finish the workshop within 60 days, to give some wiggle room. I should aim to have these done by September the 4th. If I can finish sooner, that would be great.

- Read and implement the Power of Now -by end of July

- Read and implement "How to get the Love you want" -by end of August

- cultivate a state of mastery of my life- too general
- finish all sewing projects
- clear clutter in room: shelves, closet, Sally Ann
- concentrate on being highly competent at my job and knowing my stuff so that it is not a source of stress for me
- no more than 9 alcoholic drinks in a week, or less. The above must take priority over drinking at all times

If I do not have the energy to:
-draw a picture
-learn animation or design software
-go to the gym
-cook, clean or do laundry
-learn piano or ukulele or practice singing
-get my financial ducks in a row
....I do not have time to drink


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 1:08 pm 
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Lesson 22 Exercise:
1. Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in.
2. Identify three or four elements of that ritual (e.g. physical sensory stimulation; danger; orgasm; accomplishment).
3. For each element, assign a relative number for the amount of stimulation you think you derive from this particular element. These numbers are relevant only to you and in relation to other elements that you experience.
4. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element. Does it increase the stimulation? Decrease the stimulation? Have no effect? Have a mixed effect (as in, sometimes it increases, other times it decreases)?.
5. Share the above in your personal recovery thread. It should look something like this:

Ritual Measured:
Masturbation
Primary Elements Involved:
Physical Stimulation; Fantasy; Moral conflict; Orgasm
Values assigned:
Physical Stimulation: 3
Fantasy: 2
Moral conflict: 1
Orgasm: 3
Filters applied:
Physical Stimulation:
*Time — Progressively increases the stimulation to a point; then significantly decreases that stimulation. At it's height, this filter would be an '8'.
*Intensity — Relatively stable; have not added to the physical behaviors in years '1'
*Habituation — As fantasies get 'played out', they decrease the overall stimulation that fantasy produces. I respond by expanding those fantasies. '3'
Moral conflict:
*Time — Occurs spontaneously; leaves spontaneously; time spent in conflict has no palpable effect on overall stimulation '1'
*Intensity — Decreases overall intensity of urge '3'
*Habituation — No real effect '1'
Orgasm:
*Time — Occurs spontaneously; leaves spontaneously; no control over length of orgasm '2'
*Intensity — Increases overall intensity of urge; created major frustration when goal is not reached '10'
*Habituation — No real effect '1'
There is more that you can do here, but this is enough. Also, note that the numbers assigned — especially in the filters, were arbitrarily chosen by me. They were chosen in relation to the overall stimulation that I achieved during masturbation. Orgasm was the primary driving force for my behavior — with the intensity of that orgasm being most important. Thus, a '3' was assigned to the element of orgasm; and a '10' assigned to the filter of intensity.


Identifying my "rituals" in this context is difficult for me, as I am not a sex addict of any sort. I am a love addict, I've realized I'm addicted to being loved and admired by someone I love and admire. When that leaves me, I completely shatter. I fall to pieces. So my ritual or compulsion I guess is having someone's love of me become my only source of happiness or importance in my life. So, ritual:

Love addiction

VALIDATION (being of some importance to someone)
value:3
Filters
*time: 10 to 1 -starts at 10 and then slowly decreases to 1
*intensity: 10 -one of the primary causes of ritual
*habituation: 10 to 1 -starts at 10 and then slowly decreases to 1

EMOTIONAL-MENTAL FUN/PLEASURE/EXCITEMENT
Value:3
Filters
*time: 10 to 5 -starts at 10 and then slowly decreases to 5
*intensity: 10
*habituation: 10 to 1 -starts at 10 and then slowly decreases to 1

PHYSICAL FUN/PLEASURE/EXCITEMENT
Value:2
Filters:
*time:
*intensity: 10
*habituation: 10

AVOIDANCE OF WORK (pursuing any goals/values that require practice or focus) IN LIFE
Value:2
Filters:
*time: 5
*intensity: 5
*habituation: 2

ACCOMPLISHMENT
Value: 2
Filters
*time: 8 (I don't ever feel completely accomplished from this ritual)
*intensity: 10
*habituation: 2


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:30 pm 
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Lesson 23 Exercise:
In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery. Don't just copy the headings of this lesson, take a minute to see how you can practically use this information in YOUR life.

1- making me conscious I am engaging in compulsive rituals

GOING OUT FOR DRINKS- needs to be analyzed as per lesson 22

2-making it uncomfortable to engage in them
3- realizing I live in a state of terror when I drink
4- making me realize I am avoiding the now; avoiding being present; avoiding living my own life; avoiding bettering my life and thus making problems and pain worse


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 8:59 pm 
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Lesson 24 Exercise:

I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.

II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual LOVE ADDICTED ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).

Most people will identify two to four such Major Rituals. If you can identify with more than five such rituals, just list the most common five.

To be successful in your transition to health, you will need to master your ability to identify not only these elements, but also to recognize the role that they play in stimulating you. Don't settle for anything less than mastery here.

1) Becoming love addicted to someone
- validation of my worth
- feeling happiness because of the attention
- feeling important
- achievement

2) Remaining love addicted/in love with someone who has left me - Obsessed/Delusional

RITUALS
1) Fantasizing that we will be reunited, believing that they will fall back in love with me so that I don't have to face reality; constantly focusing on them in my thoughts, ignoring everything else in my life that is actually PRESENT

2) Remembering the great times we had together, how they loved me, adored me. Constant nostalgia and living in the past despite the fact that it is gone

3) Constantly thinking of what they think of me now. Why don't they like me? What could I do to attract them back to me? Consulting psychics, tarot cards, praying, meditating, believing in the Law of Attraction (you can always get what you want)

4) not actually doing anything productive or constructive in my present reality because of complete preoccupation with the above. Vicious cycle: I become a person no one wants to be with because of being a non-achiever, non-contributor. I am just a ravenous "need" for attention and approval so I have nothing to give, so no one stays with me. I offer them nothing. No excitement, no intellectual stimulation, no interesting life. My only focus is having them appreciate me for the image I am keeping up (which used to be authentic, but has not been for years). I definitely USED to have things to offer: I had passions, interests, hobbies, talents, a sense of humour, loved music and had knowledge of it, loved dancing, muay thai, reading, drawing...but it's like all of that has faded away as I got older and more and more men leave me because my personality is getting thinner and thinner...I also concurrently got more and more deeply alcoholic as this happened. Both the cause and the result of losing my passions in life. Now I've lost so much confidence that I'm isolating myself more and more, and if any man I'm interested in likes me, I become a bag of insecurities that inevitably repels them because they want someone strong, confident, talented and intelligent like them.

Cerebrally I KNOW that deriving all of my self worth from the man I love's opinion of me is fundamentally flawed and doomed to fail, however I seem incapable of changing this. No matter what I do, I don't really care what I think of me- I only care what HE thinks of me. The opinion of girlfriends doesn't count as much either...this is until it finally passes, which is usually years after the man has left me...then I finally start to get back on my feet, start to be an interesting, passionate person with personality again, which attracts someone I like, but it's always too soon. I always then lose my interests and start to try to live completely through their successes and interests. And of course they lose interest and leave me. I am so damaged from this I don't want to live anymore.


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 Post subject: Lesson 25
PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:40 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2016 8:35 pm
Posts: 26
Lesson 25 Exercise:
I. Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple. List the primary elements in a similar fashion as exampled above in Compulsive Ritual: Exhibitionism. Post this ritual and its elements in your recovery thread.

Drinking:
-trigger: feeling good, day off, nice weather, having time to "get away with" not being productive
-think about how/where to get alcohol
-acquire alcohol (steal or buy)
-drink
-take imovane to "go to bed" but it now enhances high
-occasionally, in this sedated, drunken state, I have gone out to bars to get more alcohol after having run out and end up partying in a black out. Almost always end up getting a ride home or drinking with some man I don't know. Until now, only once has anything sexual happened. I have been very lucky. I have put myself in a date rape situation at least 10 times in the last 2 years. This is a new thing, and one that I am terrified of when I wake up. I have been very lucky. Every man has been kind.
-if I don't go out, I black out due to imovane, and pass out. Sometimes in my clothes if I am very drunk
-wake up hungover and filled with anxiety.
-think about how I feel better when I don't do this.
-how it is affecting my intelligence and wit and creativity
-how it is affecting my looks and health
-how it is affecting my finances
-how it stops me from completing projects on time
-how my career has sputtered to a stop while everyone excels around me
-how this has driven the last 2 men I loved away from me, and lost me the respect and love of many friends in the last few years.
-vow to change/grow into the person I want to be, move away from this failure.
This usually lasts a week.
Then there's another sunny day, or "fun" opportunity with co-workers or friends


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 Post subject: Lesson 26
PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:04 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2016 8:35 pm
Posts: 26
Lesson 26 Exercise:
In the previous exercise, you were asked to label the elements involved with a particular ritual. In this exercise, you will be delving deeper into your awareness of that ritual. Here, you are asked to 'map out' one of your rituals. Make sure that you choose a specific ritual that you have engaged in (as in, last Thursday before work, I looked at porn); rather than a general compulsive behavior (as in, in the past, I looked at porn).
The main difference between what you did in the previous exercise and this is that you are no longer listing the elements of the ritual. Instead, you are listing the behavior associated with that element. For example, in the past exercise, it was sufficient to label a voyeuristic ritual with the element 'sensory stimulation — visual'. No longer. From this point forward, all rituals should be identified in terms of the specific thoughts/behaviors associated with the elements. And so, today, your 'element' will read something like this: "I would focus my eyes on her and inconspicuously follow her around the store."
Post this more advanced ritual in your recovery thread.

Compulsive Ritual: Never letting go/Pining for someone who no longer loves me

-trigger: having spare time where normally I would have texted them, or communicated with them to arrange to meet up and spend time together- that happy feeling of contentment and satisfaction and fun in my life.
-feel deep sorrow at the loss of these things, the person's presence and company in my life
-begin hoping that they are thinking of me too, that they might contact me sometime, missing me, that we might be back together one day.
-oscillate down to despair as the realization hits that this is highly unlikely to happen, particularly if I am still putting out a needy vibe, that I have not moved on, that I am not confident, enjoying a full life of my own, instead of hanging my head in my room, feeling worthless, uninteresting, that I have nothing of value to offer, that no one particularly enjoys my company anymore.
-realize I am bored with myself and my life - increases depression and longing for a companion to entertain me, enjoy things with. Females do not suffice for all activities, just as male romantic companions do not.
-continue longing for this person, or a person with same qualities to come into my life so I can play with them, and enjoy life with them
-despair as no one I am attracted to likes me back
-continued seesaw between hope they will return and despair, taking up all mental activity so that I achieve nothing else: drawing, animation, ukulele, discovering new music, attending concerts, reading, sewing, making new friends (no confidence), calling up old friends to hang out, trying out new activities (sailing, dance, cirque) the gym
-eventually end up drinking and pining for this person.
-Achieve nothing for 10 years.
The End


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:23 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3325
Location: UK
hello Szaz
Quote:
Then there's another sunny day, or "fun" opportunity with co-workers or friends


Quote:
The end


No its the beginning
you have started a new positive journey one that is fulfilling and healthy
believe in this programme but more importantly believe in yourself

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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