Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:34 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 67 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 2:45 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
Lesson 34
A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:

I would go out, needing to "get lucky" - as a result, I had to be the funniest, or smartest etc, so that I could win. I didn't care if me sleeping with someone would ruin a friendship. All i knew, was that I want to have sex, and I would actively push to that point. That has cost me friendships - and one night stands with woman that I didn't even like, but because I could get sex out of it, I did.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

When I was not acting out, I was anxious, i couldn't concentrate, something felt off, and i felt like a looser. Specifically if I was going out, I would see other guys get with woman, and then it would become like a game for me per say. A game that I needed to win, and if after going out, I didn't have someone it was interpenetrated as a failure. It was more than a like but a NEED that I had. But then if you kiss a girl, you then needed to kiss two etc and then a new precedent was set - so it just kept getting worse.

As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

While I was younger it was very exciting, filled with danger and to be seen as a "jock" - "who am I going to meet - will they want to sleep with me - how good would they be - what could I push for sexually". So while in the compulsive ritual, it was "awesome" - however after the ritual [albeit only after I have started RN, you feel absolutely terrible, you know that you are hurting your self long term] but whilest in the ritual, you do not mind the consequence.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:41 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
Lesson 35

I have battled with being assertive, both within my relationship as well as business and almost been scared to take lead. This has a negative effect, as if I am not leading, then my partner is. This in turn builds resentment in her, as I am not being the man of the house, and rather just a roommate. Intimacy them suffers and it has a knock on effect. So taken that into consideration, I have the following three monitoring goals.


Weekly Monitoring Goals

1) I am looking for opportunities to lead, in both a business capacity as well as within my relationship.
2) I am looking for opportunities to communicate clearly, honestly and to the point.
3) I am looking for opportunities to do activities without the reminding of someone close to me.

Will update how it goes.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 5:44 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 36

1) Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

In all my relationships, I have viewed cheating, as only physical contact with another person, example, kissing, sex etc, and not flirting, perving etc. It has caused me great personal consequences in my relationships where I felt that I was being harshly judged/criticized for looking at another girl. I thought it was natural. My relationship boundaries were not well defined at all. I was always on the look out for "something better".

2) Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

Again, the chosen area is relationships. Having a clear understanding what cheating is. Cheating is not physically putting a penis into a Virgina, but you also get emotional cheating and the list goes on. Having a solid set of relationship boundaries for both what you should and shouldn't do helps in two ways. One, it defiantly does build that self confidence that was spoken about in the session. What I find even more satisfying is the level of intimacy that your partner can now give to you, as they feel you are now pulling your weight in that area.

I have had a bit of a tipsy turby road with boundaries. For example in the typical addict mindset, I would become a Nazi about my boundaries, and not let anyone or anything break them. Then if broken, well then it was like the boundary never existed. This cycle continued many times. What I have found is that my boundaries need to have two core factors. Example - I want to loose 5kg's in a month. The first set of rules will be that I need to eat clean food, so lots of veggies etc etc - but the bigger goal is that I must be healthy and have a positive healthy lifestyle. So then if I "cheat" and eat a piece of cake, although the initial boundary is broken, my core belief of being healthy has not been broken, as overall my health has been better, so then I do not feel that I have broken that promise. I suppose you need to be more fluid in how you reach your goal - as was said, you cannot control all the factors that life has given you.

Looking back at the past where I had no boundaries, that was actually a terrifying thing for me, I was an extreme people pleaser - I had no idea who I was, never mind what I actually liked and wanted, and went with whatever the wind blew. My ego was fragile, and I had no self confidence, and of course, I couldn't be relied upon for anything. That has caused me a lot of pain and sadness in my life.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2017 12:55 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 37

1) Building Intimacy with my partner

Absolute boundary 1# - I will be consistent with my word.
Absolute boundary 2# - I will lead the relationship, so that my partner does not have to.
Absolute boundary 3# - No matter what the situation, I will approach conflict resolution with love as the primary approach.

2) Building Trust with my partner

Absolute boundary 1# - I will act in such a way that my partner would feel safe with me at all times.
Absolute boundary 2# - Omission of the truth is still a lie. I will be completely open and honest with my partner.
Absolute boundary 3# - I will act in such a way that I consider my partners thoughts and feelings when making a decision.

3) Building Leadership with my partner

Absolute boundary 1# - I will gain control of my relationship, and not be a passenger in the relationship.
Absolute boundary 2# - I will see what needs to be done, both in the business and personally and not be constantly reminded or prompted to do tasks.
Absolute boundary 3# - Set goals for the relationship that I actively work towards.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 1:09 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 38

Although my rules, I feel are good, they are not as well defined as they should be, so then my absolute rules are more open to manipulation than what they should be.

"Absolute boundary 3# - Set goals for the relationship that I actively work towards." - although lovely in theory, I have not actually put it into practice. There hasn't been monitoring of Goals, and hence, I feel my old pattern of "out of sight out of mind" mentality creeping back in.

So to expand my boundary. I have printed out a weekly planner of what activities need to be done, what I am in charge of, my hourly structure, and completion dates for specific goals. Although this has a weekly breakdown, I have been broken down into a per day basis and then a per hour basis.

I know that life is fluid and that I need to not be a Nazi about keeping time frames, but that at least gives me goals to work towards per hour, and then also my final goal of both leading the relationship as well as achieving goals so building self-confidence in myself.

"Absolute boundary 2# - Omission of the truth is still a lie. I will be completely open and honest with my partner." - looking at this boundary, it is a little bit passive. It allows for loopholes. Specifically, I feel that you can justify something like, "if I tell her the complete truth, she will be hurt and then I am actually damaging the relationship" and that no one has 100% absolute truth all the time. In theory, I do feel that no one can be absolutely honest 100% of all the time, however, what I do think is that with your partner, you need to be open and honest, to the point that there is not a divide cause of not telling them something. That divide breaks intimacy, and so a solid connection to the person cannot be made. For me, it can be a small lie or a big lie. If I feel that it is taking away from the intimacy of the relationship, then I need to tell her about it. I do however know that things need to be dealt with very carefully, as with any addiction, you lean towards living two different lifestyles - so, in my opinion, you need to focus on the initial part of just making sure that everything is geared towards integrating your two personalities and not splitting them.

As was said in the lesson, life is a fluid process, and one needs to be able to change and adapt as life moves forward. My existing boundaries are a good starting point, however, what I will also really focus on is my week goals. Be a bit flexible in how I achieve them, and follow my hourly and daily goals as close as I can. I personally didn't realise how much I love routine, so having a healthy routine, and take each hour as it comes, reflect on where I am, and where I should be, is something that I love and need.

The two points that I have highlighted, will help me manage my boundaries better in the two cases as the boundaries are more specific and focused. I am finding that the less focused something is, the easier it is for your mind to tell you that you have an opportunity for you to bend it (initially), and then to break it later. Again I need to remember that it is not an all or nothing mentality, but rather a growing, learning and adapting mentality. So diligence, patience and discipline are needed in the beginning phases.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:22 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3325
Location: UK
Hi Sid
Quote:
The two points that I have highlighted, will help me manage my boundaries better in the two cases as the boundaries are more specific and focused. I am finding that the less focused something is, the easier it is for your mind to tell you that you have an opportunity for you to bend it (initially), and then to break it later.


Absolutely and we addicts do not need much of an excuse
denial comes so easily



Quote:
Again I need to remember that it is not an all or nothing mentality,


yes and no
the aim - recovery is actually all or nothing

but
Quote:
a growing, learning and adapting mentality.


is the road to achieve this

Quote:
So diligence, patience and discipline are needed in the beginning phases.


and then it becomes natural and our journey inevitable

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 2:18 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
Thank you, Kenzo, all valid and on point replies. Denial and lack of focus are my true stumbling blocks, so really working hard on that now to break the ingrained patterns that I have learnt on those two points.

In the lesson below, I am going to expand on stages 1 and 2 initially this morning and then expand from there.

LESSON 39

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values

I have no confidence and confusion in sex
Sex after recovery has been filled with pain and tension on most occasions
Porn, although I know intellectually doesn't help me at all and just hurts me, still has an emotional draw
Sexually unsure of myself, and if I can please my partner
Connection with your sexual partner, however, I am battling to actually really connect and have deep meaningful sex
I feel that my partner doesn't want to have sex, so then I do not push for it, resulting in long durations without sex
I feel a bit of resentment towards sex, as it first creates pleasure, but then also so much pain for me
I feel the pressure of having sex as "normal" people are having a lot more sex than what I am
Sex is for involved couples (not just within marriage) that have made a commitment to each other
Sex should be fun and exciting and new, and I feel that it is boring and predictable and uninteresting at the moment

[i realise that several points in the above inventory are very victim based. I know they are, however, it is how I feel, so want to get it out]

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending

Sex that is both exciting and interesting, that promotes connection and intimacy.
Sexual desire only for my partner
To see sex in a healthy manner, as a form of enjoyment, and not of pain.
Can discuss our sexual needs openly, in a manner of love to one another.
That I can see sex as part of a wheel of intimacy and not the whole wheel.
Sexually confident

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 1:42 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 40

Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want to protect...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.

My partner - sho, this is a good one. I knew I needed to make my own boundaries, however, I didn't think that it would be for the benefit of other people's boundaries too. Boundaries would include, having maturity in a conflict situation, and acting like an adult. What that means to my partner is no acting on your emotions, but rather acting on compassion and love, have a defined end goal in mind and working towards it. Always showing love and compassion first, as well as intimacy. My partner has those boundaries in place, and are very important to her.

II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.

Apologise when I realise that I have broken that boundary. Be present in the moment to actually listen to her. Look and have love in my heart (and eyes) that I want a good outcome. Really listen and then lead the situation to a positive outcome. Do not act on my emotions, but rather on my boundaries.

III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.

At the moment, yes, my initial reaction is "well you violated my boundaries, so fuck you..." reaction. I know that it is not the right way, and I am working on changing this.What I try to do is to imagine my partner as a child version that is looking for love and affection. The only reason why people are fighting about something intimate is basically an invitation to create more intimacy (Alternatively, if you mess it up, intimacy is lost) so see that by me showing love, it actually has a huge power statement, and in a weird way, is very selfish to give, as you become more powerful. So only you calm down and see that they are looking at building intimacy and love and that you know that you are being powerful by listening and having a loving outcome in mind, be present in what she is wanting to say. I do not believe in being a pushover, however, cause my views and thoughts are also warped by my own perceptions, I need to listen to what she has to say, and I mean really be present and listen. I then need to lead that conversation to a positive outcome. Again, not fighting is a sign of power, not of weakness. You can gain so much in a conflict resolution - and I need to see that.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:19 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 41

I asked my partner what one of her boundaries was, and she said something that I was a bit surprised about, and that was "Service". It had nothing to do with relationships but the more I thought about it, the more it really made sense. I have up to this point, thought about boundaries more in a relationship, porn and or romantic way, and hadn't really considered that boundaries should be in other areas too, although when thinking about it, it definitely needs to be.

Service: She expects a high level of service, to be kind and communicative, and if that boundary is crossed, then there would be repercussions Repercussions include either firing of the service provider or not using them again. They promised you something, in return for a financial return. You are not there to make friends, but rather to do a job. This is different to what I have let happen which is people please my way around something, so I would let the service provider have too much free reign, and would not be confrontational enough, as I would be seen as the bad guy. Also having that boundary, means you get results faster, and have an outcome. Where my way, you often didn't get a result for weeks. Also then you value your time and you as a person with service delivery boundaries, as your time and value of yourself are precious. My old belief boundary didn't add to my value of self, but rather took away from it, further exaggerating the people pleasing in me.

So then in having a boundary for services you gain the following (in my opinion): Ability for confrontation if applicable, self-worth and appreciation, getting a result, good communication, personal value and repercussions if something is promised and not delivered on.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 2:02 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 43

I just wanted to know, this page, says it sends to a coach. As I am doing the self-help, will anyone reply, or should I just copy the text and then fill it out and post it in the forum?

Thank you for this - it is concise and will help gain a deeper knowledge to my own compulsive ritual chains.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 2:17 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 44

Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

As I am developing my core identity, I feel that I cannot trust my instincts for now - as I feel that my instincts are still based on emotional gratification as opposed to value based decision making. I have a clear understanding of who I think I should be, the values that a person of that calibre will have, and the decisions of how that person will make. The I will review what I feel, to what I know the values are, and if they match, I will process and if they do not, I will follow the value based decision-making process as opposed to my instinctual feeling, as I know that my instinctual feeling is being based on immediate emotional gratification.

Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

As what has already been said above, initially, you need to be aware of all the decisions that you make, from what time you wake up, even to if you have another spoon for breakfast and filter your emotional and physical thoughts. This is a lot of work, but essentially you are breaking years of ingrained emotional patterns, and to break them, you need to do a lot of work to develop your new core identity. So following on from that, again filter everything through emotional and value based decision-making process - and see if that matches the man you want to be and how they would react in a given situation or choice.

Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

To be honest - I am not in tune with it yet. I know what I should do, but often I let my emotional decision-making process take lead, and then 30 min later I try to make value based decisions (especially in a conflict situation where I am very easy to become aggressive and say things that I know are not true but said to inflict pain and hurt). I do those things knowing full well that is not how I should lead and that those decisions are based on a victim mentality and someone who at the moment feels very sorry for themselves. I do not think about working together to have a loving connected conversation that will build intimacy and help the relationship move forward. Other areas include leadership, honesty and following through on my promises (to name but a few). I do not have a strict enough consequence for my actions if I engage in destructive patterns, as I let myself off the hook still too easy. I am getting MUCH better at this, however, I am still not there. My boundaries I feel do not have an "absolute no" cross wall, that I need to start implementing. I need to break my boundaries up into smaller steps, that I feel can be managed, and that when those steps are managed, I will achieve my bigger goal. I feel that at the moment, I am focusing on the bigger goal and I am missing those smaller steps, so the big goal seems never reaching.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 45

1) Mapping out my compulsive ritual for Masturbation:

- Want to have sex
- woo partner
- ask partner for sex / but I feel that sometimes she does not want to
- think porn is much easier, and that I will not be rejected
- think of a time when I can masturbate
- Sit down to masturbate alone
- download a different browser onto my phone so I leave no history on my synced browser
- begin surfing the internet
- find something that I like
- in my case, it would be a situational thing like fake casting etc, where the female "actor" wouldn't know that she was being filmed.
- this gives me the illusion that I am "with" that person
- begin masturbation
- try to orgasm when "he" orgasms, further reinforcing the fantasy of being with the "actor"
- achieve orgasm
- delete all traces of history etc...

C) The point of no return is when I open up the browser to open the website with masturbating being the primary goal.

D) - Not downloading a different browser and being alone: Ok I will isolate this point, and at this point, I will go somewhere so I am not alone, or go to my partner.

I shall have a look at the chain and break this down further - so that I can get multiple points that I can break my ritual.

SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 11:16 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 46

A. The point of no return where I download the internet browser, so then on my way to the bathroom/bedroom etc, I do not take my phone or any electronic device with me. I then also need to get a glass of water, and go into the garden and drink the water till the urge passes. Urges by definition are not infinitely long passages of feeling, rather an emotional imbalance as has been described.

My chain is a rather simple one, so that is why this lesson is simple to me. I know many others are a lot more involved.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:17 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 47 - 48

Will be edited today. Need to rewrite it as it didn't post correctly to the forum.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:39 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
LESSON 49

1. In relation to your general mental health, summarize your progression/regression over the past thirty days:

Last 30 days have been very good, in relation to sex addiction I have been excellent, however, I know that there are vital areas of my life that I still need to improve. Those areas being, I still people please too much. Although being honest, my first thought is that of covering myself and making sound better than what it is. I feel that I fade into the background far too easily and do not hold a presence, this is a big one for me, as physically I am a strong big imposing person so I should command my space. I need to be a leader more, and take charge of my sex life, as I have not up to now.

2. Document your experiences with the following:
Hours Engaged
A) Masturbation
0

B) Pornography
0

C) Promiscuity
0

D) Transvestism
0

E) Fetishism
0

F) Erotic Fantasy
0

G) Prostitution
0

H) Exhibitionism
0

I) Voyeurism
0

J) Frotteurism
0

K) Ecouterism
0

L) Erotographomania
0

M) Sexual Thievery
0

N) Sadism
0

O) Masochism
0

P) Beastiality
0

Q) Stalking
0

R) Molestation
0

S) Incest
0

T) Rape
0

U) Other
0


3. Using the scale below, rate the positive impact that your recovery efforts over the past thirty days have had on your:
(1-No effect 2-Slight 3-Moderate 4-Considerable 5-Extreme)
Family
(1-5) 5
Friends
(1-5) 5
Co-workers
(1-5) 5
Career
(1-5) 5
Finances
(1-5) 5
Romantic Relationships
(1-5) 4 - I can improve the sexual energy and connection between myself and my partner.
Self-esteem
(1-5) 4 - Although hugely improved, this is still an area that I need to really focus on and build, as I am nowhere near confident enough yet.
Stress level
(1-5) 5
Time management
(1-5) 5
Hobbies
(1-5) 5


4. Using the scale below, rate the negative impact that your sexual and/or romantic behaviors over the past thirty days have had on your:
(1-No effect 2-Slight 3-Moderate 4-Considerable 5-Extreme)
Family
(1-5) 1
Friends
(1-5) 1
Co-workers
(1-5) 1
Career
(1-5) 1
Finances
(1-5) 1
Romantic Relationships
(1-5) 2 - I can improve the sexual energy and connection between myself and my partner.
Self-esteem
(1-5) 2 - Although hugely improved, this is still an area that I need to really focus on and build, as I am nowhere near confident enough yet.
Stress level
(1-5) 1
Time management
(1-5) 1
Hobbies
(1-5) 1

5) Summarize the progress made towards your existing recovery and life goals over the past thirty days:

I have set up a routine, that I feel helps me a lot, and that I have mapped out every half an hour from 5.30am to 10 pm and that has had some huge results for me personally. So I have been achieving my goals as everything has been laid out and specified in great detail. Very happy with where I am in life goals.

6) Describe the closest you came to a slip/relapse over the past month:

Several days ago, I had an urge, and basically, my mind said, "you have been so good, once will not hurt, and you enjoy it". Knowing now that an urge is a passing thought, I did other things, and soon it passed, however, I know that once is not once and that once broken, I can break my core values easier and easier till I do not have any left.

7) List the most likely relapse triggers you will face in the coming month:

Working late and being left alone.
Having a fight with my fiance and wanting to feel "good"


8) Approximate (in percentages) the amount of time over the past month that you have spent:
Engaged in value-based (top three values) activity 80%
Engaged in value-based (top ten values) activity 90%
Engaged in emotion-based, unhealthy Activity 30% - conflict management is a big one for me, and I am still very emotionally responsive.
Life Maintenance Chores* 85%
With Family (Quality) 90%
With Friends (Quality) 90%
Alone (Quality) 80%
Engaged in Unhealthy Sexual Behavior 5%
Engaged in Unhealthy Romantic Behavior 5%
Self-Improvement/Recovery 90%
* Cooking, cleaning, laundry, mowing the lawn, etc


SiD


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 67 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group