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 Post subject: Osctaz New beginnings
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:04 am 
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Start of Couples Recovery program August 2017


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 4:43 am 
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Lesson 1:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change;

100% I have wasted so much time trying to fix the symptoms of addiction rather than focusing on the core issues, which for me started at 6 with sexual abuse emotional neglect and left me with no values morals boundaries of emotional maturity to handle life. I have believed I am damaged and sick and had no hope of a way out, now I know better nothing will stop me making that transition to health.


2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change;
No longer.
I have struggled over the last year with this and have done much work on separating myself from my addiction, so I can now look at what I did accept responsibility for it. I know shame has been my enemy for a long time and that to be healthy I need to deal with the shame I have always carried. I do feel guilt, as I believe I should, but not shame.


3) allowing yourself time to change.

I have already had a year and I know I've only just been able to start opening up my emotions and dealing with pain that I have always ran from. It took many months for me to see the need for total honesty and to be able to get through the shame enough to be honest. And its taking even longer until I was able to really start empathising with what I had put my partner through. The couples program helped me immensely with this.



B. Ten to fifteen reasons I want to change:

1. I want to be honest, and know that I am being just that, even to my self,
2. I want to be free, and not have to hide anymore,
3. I want to feel clean on the inside and out,
4. I want to be at peace with my childhood, let go of the pain,
5. I want to feel and give true love,
6. I want to be proud of my actions,
7. I want to have health relationships,
8. I want to show my partner I do really love him,
9. I want to set a good example for my daughter and undo some of the damage I have done by setting bad examples in life,
10. I want to be happy,
11. I want to be the best version of myself I can be,
12. I want to forgive myself
13. I want to forgive my family,
14. I want to find out what I real like,
15. I want to take responsibility for myself, not feel I need a man to do that,


C. I have done this exercise with my SA therapist and found it extremely powerful. Very painful and very sad but moving and healing. I want that small girl to understand that what happened wasn't her fault and that she isn't bad and that she doesn't need to let the abuse control the rest of her life. And the biggest thing I need to tell my inner child is SEX is NOT LOVE!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:05 am 
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Lesson 2 Exercises:

A. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.

B. OPTIONAL If you have someone in your life to talk with about this vision, consider talking with them. You are not looking for validation, correction, guidance...you are just moving one step closer to making this vision your reality. However, it is important that the person you choose to share this vision with not listen with a critical ear. You are in the infancy stage of learning how to perceive, develop and manage your life as a healthy adult — there is no need to reinforce your short-comings during this exercise.

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

As we review these visions, what we will be looking for is the following:

1) Is it practical or is it idealistic? Practical is what we are shooting for. Idealistic visions feel good, sound good...but they serve very little purpose, other than to create unrealistic goals for which failure is already guaranteed.

2) Is this vision capable of sustaining a healthy life? Are there enough values identified that have the potential to generate fulfillment. To counter instability. To drive decision-making.

For an excellent example of the depth such a vision should have, click the following link: Example of a Personal Vision

Note the depth expressed in this vision. If you are looking to finish this exercise in a matter of minutes to 'check it off the to do list'...you will be missing one of the first tools, vital for rebuilding your foundation. Think of this as the first indication of the sincerity with which you will be approaching this workshop. From a coaching perspective, I know that I do. The more you invest in yourself, the more coaches will be willing to invest as well. It is human nature. If you need several days to complete this, take several days. Most people can write out a solid vision in about an hour. But judge your efforts more on the quality and authenticity of the effort you have put in, rather than the amount of time you took to create it.







My Vision
Integrity :

Dictionary definition of integrity is
“the state of being whole and undivided; the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction; the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; uprightness.
Integrity is the foundation for all of my other values; in other words, without integrity, my other values cannot be upheld.

Honesty is the key to my self worth, without being honest I cannot grow.

I want to be honest, with myself and in life. I will no longer will lie, cheat, deceive or omit things to manipulate my life.
I want to be totally honest with my partner and open about who I really am.

Intimacy,

I want true emotional intimacy in my life, no more hiding behind a mask of sexuality. To be free to be myself without fear of judgment or rejection.
To build a healthy relationship with my partner on solid foundations, so I can believe in our relationship like I have never before.
Trust in myself and in others. My partner has never given me any reasons not to trust, but because of my emotional scarring and immaturity I have not been able to trust in his love.
I want to support him in his life and show him I will always be there for him no matter what. To care for him and share my soul with him.
To have the peace to be able to be vulnerable and truly intimate on an emotional level.
Too no longer be bound by addictions and recovery.

To have a real home where I feel I belong and can feel safe. To have a sanctuary to call my own.

To be able to travel and enjoy the world and to have a home to come back too.
To feel secure and at peace knowing I do now take responsibility, I am honest and I do trust, love and respect the people that matter to me.

To be able to show my daughter how much I love her, to be part of her life and my future grand children's lives. Building on our relationship so we cant both know that we will be there for each other no matter what. To repair the damage \I have done and to show how much I love her.
To be as healthy in all ways I can, taking responsibility for my health as I grow older and leading a clean sober healthy life, eating good food and appreciating food and learning to cook.
Working in a job I enjoy and I can be proud of the job I do. And finally sharing my life with some feline friends, hopefully being able to have a couple of Burmese cats.
To transition to health........


Last edited by Osctaz on Fri Sep 15, 2017 5:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:37 am 
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Lesson 3 Exercises:

A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.

If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or for examples of how to list each item, see this example values list.



1.Living with integrity
2.Living with compassion
3.Sharing my true self with the world around me
4.Strengthening my role as a partner to M
5.Strengthening my role as a mother/step mother
6.Strengthening my role as a coworker
7.Being an inspiration to others
8.Being dedicated
9.Showing appreciation towards other
10.Being charitable, giving
11.Developing intellectual depth
12.Bringing joy to others
13.Providing quality in my work
14.Establishing competence in my field
15.Staying active
16.Being dependable
17.Being reliable
18.Working as part of a team
19. Honesty
29.Humblenes
20.Sense of humor
21.Sense of responsibility
22.Being considerate of others
23.Being considerate of myself
24.Putting other’s needs before my own
25.Taking care of myself
26.Being a role model for others
27.Living an exciting life
28.Living an adventurous life
29.Loving others
30.Being loved by others
31.Being challenged; overcoming challenges
32.Developing emotional maturity
33.Establishing financial freedom
34.Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
35.Physical health
36.Physical beauty
37.Physical pleasure
38.Sexual intimacy
39.Feeling sexually desired
40.Feeling appreciated
41.Feeling feminine
42.Feeling empowered
43.Passionate about life
44.Being validated by others
45.Being respected
46.Being judged trustworthy
47.Feeling unconditional love
48.Developing patience
49.Sharing my true self with the world around me
50.Connected to my own feelings
51.Being a survivor
52.Appreciating natural beauty/nature
53.Integrity
54.Financial stability
55.Personal independence
56.Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
57.Control
58.Avoiding conflict
59.Improving my social interactions
60.Vulnerability
61.Fidelity
62.Communicating feelings
63.Feeling happy and content
64.Accepting responsibility for living my life
65.Be known as truthful and honest
66.Sense of accomplishment
67.Forgiveness
68.Realistic
69.Personal growth, development
70.Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
71.Self-discipline
72.Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children


C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:


1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.

2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.


1,Control
2,Power
3,Living an Exciting life
4, Friendship
5,Sexual Intimacy
6,Caring for others
7, Freedom
8, Rebellion
9, Escapism
10,Powerful
11,Egotistical
12, Being wanted/needed
13, Selfishness
14, Pride
15, Anger


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:53 am 
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Lesson 4 Exercises:

A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization — not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.

B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.

Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.

Living with integrity
Fidelity
Honesty
Vulnerability
Loving others
Intimacy
Emotional maturity
Integrity
Forgiveness
Strengthening my role as a partner to M
Connected to my own feelings
Communicating feelings
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Personal growth, development
Be known as truthful and honest
Sexual intimacy
Financial stability
Living with compassion
Being respected
Sense of responsibility
Being considerate of others
Being judged trustworthy
Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
Self-discipline
Improving my social interactions
Providing quality in my work
Working as part of a team
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Physical health
Feeling happy and content
Personal independence
Realistic
Developing patience


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:53 am 
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Lesson 4 Exercises:

A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization — not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.

B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.

Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.

Living with integrity
Fidelity
Honesty
Vulnerability
Loving others
Intimacy
Emotional maturity
Integrity
Forgiveness
Strengthening my role as a partner to M
Connected to my own feelings
Communicating feelings
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Personal growth, development
Be known as truthful and honest
Sexual intimacy
Financial stability
Living with compassion
Being respected
Sense of responsibility
Being considerate of others
Being judged trustworthy
Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
Self-discipline
Improving my social interactions
Providing quality in my work
Working as part of a team
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Physical health
Feeling happy and content
Personal independence
Realistic
Developing patience


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:02 am 
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Lesson 5 Exercises:

A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.

B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother' — whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

Integrity
Fidelity
Honesty
Vulnerability
Intimacy
Empathy
Forgiveness
Strengthening my role as a partner to M
Connected to my own feelings
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Sexual intimacy
Financial stability
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Physical health


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:15 am 
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Lesson 6 Exercise:

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).


Proactive Action Plan: Strengthening My Role as a mother

Call her once a month to catch up
Accept that it may be the wrong time or not when she needs it
Arrange to see her once a year (UK or USA)

Proactive Action Plan : Honesty

Stick to the accountability contract
Daily checklist of my thoughts and actions, Was I honest? With myself? Was I completely honest with partner today? If not why and what do \I need to do to remind it?
Remind myself of the work I have done on empathy and the need for total honesty and openness
Check in with Therapist about honesty


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:54 am 
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Lesson 7 Exercise:

A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

Do NOT allow yourself to become overwhelmed with this task. Each action plan should probably take you between five and fifteen minutes. Some of the most complex (like those pertaining to partnership) may take you up to thirty minutes. What you share in these plans will not be used all at once — so don't worry about what you 'can and can't do'. Focus instead on what you think needs to be done.

Over the next week of lessons, you will be switching your focus to other areas of recovery. These lessons will be important (especially if you are in a relationship), but not critical to your recovery. This is by design. If it takes you a week to complete all of your proactive action plans, so be it. The goal is to have them done by the time you get to the Health Monitoring I lesson. But, to work simultaneously on other lessons as you go...not to put your efforts on hold until they are done.

Note: this will be the last of the 'difficult, time consuming exercises' that you will be asked to complete for some time. Lessons and exercises from this point forward should require significantly less time and energy.


Integrity

I will act in a way that serves my morals and that I can be proud of.
I will not lie or try and do anything that I wouldn't be okay with people knowing I was doing
I will review my day and correct anything I did wrong


Fidelity

I will refuse all male flirtations or suggestions/ or female!
I will dress and take pride in my appearance for my partner only
I will keep myself safe from initiating any improper behaviors

Honesty

I will be self honest and take a daily inventory
I will allow M to inspect any device or form of communication he wants to check for deleted data
I will keep my weekly check in with my therapist around honesty

Vulnerability

I will trust M love for me
I will try to be braver and share my thoughts/feelings with M
I will push myself to grow
I will ask for help

Intimacy

I will be open about my fears
I will be honest about what I am thinking(as long as appropriate)
I will allow my child to come out to play


Empathy

I will listen to M without trying to fix
I will not defend or try and justify
I will actively seek out opportunities to put myself in others shoes
I will ask what they need


Forgiveness

I will not feel shame about my addictive acting out
I am not bad and I will write that out each day to remind myself
I take responsibly for what I have done
I will to live in the present, not the past or my childhood


Strengthening my role as a partner to M

I will listen and empathise when he needs it
I will initiate sexual intimacy and not wait for him too
I will ask him how he is and take an interest in his day and feelings
I will respect his healing and not push him
I will think of how I can show my love to him each today
I will compliment him
I will allow myself to trust and be vulnerable with him
I will support him at work and show my commitment

Connected to my own feelings

I will not push down or numb my feelings
I will journal each day
I will allow myself 15 minutes each day to connect/meditate on how I am actually feeling


Accepting responsibility for living my life

I will do the best I can at work
I will be mature and responsible and reliable
I will take control of my recovery/health




Sexual intimacy

I will look into M eyes when making love
I will initiate love making
I will ask for my sexual needs to be met
I will be tactile and loving


Financial stability

I will keep a budget
I will consult M on big purchases
I will not waste money


Role modeling for my daughter/strengthen relationship
Lesson 6

Appreciating natural beauty/nature

I will continue our daily 3 mile walks
I will suggest places to go at the weekend for walks etc
I will take time to go outside and just look at the beauty around me


Physical health

Weights ever other day
3 mile walk each day
Eat healthy
Treats just on weekends
take all prescribed medication on time
Keep hospital/docs appoinments


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:05 am 
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Lesson 10 Exercises:

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully commited to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.
Example: •25 Porn Magazines: In closet
•3 Victoria's Secret catalogs: in magazine rack
•1 Porn magazine: under spare tire in trunk of car
•1 Bottle of lotion: in glove compartment
•4 Porn Videos: in non-porn cases in video collection
•3 Internet "porn" sites: in the 'Home Repair' folder in My Favorites
•Over 300 porn pictures: on blue zip disk in case
•1 Picture of girl I am having an affair with: in office desk drawer

Note: this list may be small (or empty) for some of you, as your behaviors are more fantasy/affair oriented. That is okay. For others, it may be very,very long. That is okay, too. It is important that you get a complete and accurate account of everything...no matter how long it takes to complete the inventory.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.
Example: •Julie: 3 year affair
•Strange women: peek in their windows
•Strippers: watch them during my weekly trip to strip bar
•Male strangers: perform oral sex on me for money
•Jeremy: obsess over him, sometimes stalk him
•Masseuse: for manual masturbation

Like the previous list, it is important to include all sources of compulsive sexual/romantic stimulation — no matter how long it may take you to complete.

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.
Example: •Cliffhanger's Bar: to pick up sexual partners
•Car: for masturbation and exhibitionism
•Internet: surf for porn, chat rooms
•Local apartment complex: for voyeuring
•Mall: for fantasizing



I have nothing left and no more lies
All affairs are over and have no contact with any of them, All places shared,
Disclosure was completed in full in a therapeutic disclosure with my sex therapist after many failed attempts at being honest.
It took me nearly a year to get to absolute honesty, but I have now shared it all and he knows what he wanted/needed to know.

All acting out over past 5 years was in summary
1 long on/off affair 3 years
1 brief intense affair 1 month
1 affair over 4 months
Online sexting
Flirting/making myself look available on and off social media


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:17 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3371
Location: UK
Hi Osctaz and welcome to the programme

Quote:
I have believed I am damaged and sick and had no hope of a way out, now I know better nothing will stop me making that transition to health.


and my have you made a great start :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

I feel that you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction hence you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination, please do give yourself the time to extract what you take from each and every lesson

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you and your vision is a good start , but only a start, perhaps you might wish to give coach Mel's "how to" regarding visions, it is at the head of this forum
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 5:26 am 
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Hi Kenzo,

Thank you for your words.
I have done some more work on my vision and gone through the post you suggested. It was a real help, thank you.
I feel my vision will be continually be evolving as I learn and grow more!

I have always been too fearful to commit to looking at my life and my future and what I would really like in life.
Living in the day and not taking responsibility for my life. Acting the victim and blaming everyone but myself for the state of my life and the lack of a future life plan!

Its really exciting looking at what I would really value and want in my life going forward.
Knowing if I do the work I can have the stable secure healthy life I've always craved but never been able to maintain.

Now I've started posting in my thread, (I held off for 2 weeks just working on the lessons but not posting them!) I feel more connected to RN and really value the support.



:g:


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 9:43 am 
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Posts: 38
Lesson 13 Exercises:

I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery?

Yes, I am living by my values and am happy that I have a good set of values to live by now.
I am feeling quite comfortable that I have all the traits of "Actual Recovery" and a few of "Recovery to Health"


Middle Recovery "Actual Recovery"
Yes to all.

•They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
•Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
•They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
•They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
•They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
•Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
•They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
•They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
•They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
•They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
•They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
•They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others — especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.
•Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partners fully — as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).


Late Recovery : "From Recovery to Health"


•They have complete confidence in their ability to manage their life and are moving forward with their dreams in a rational, planned manner.
Yes
•They no longer avoid "trigger situations" as they have developed the skills necessary to make confident, healthy choices in just about any situation they may face.
Mostly I think, though I haven't had that many triggering situations to face yet.

•They tend to see their past as something rather unbelievable. They are sometimes able to achieve distant emotional connections with those behaviors, but can no longer visualize a situation where the pleasure they once achieved would be worth the risk of all they would lose inside themselves. Except at this stage, those thoughts are actually felt, rather than intellectualized. They will not be able to comprehend a situation where such a risk would ever be taken.
Yes
•They have developed the ability to produce the same emotional stimulation from value-based actions as they once derived solely from impulse-based actions.
Yes
•They will have eliminated all previous connections to their recovery, except that which will be included in their ongoing plan for a continuing evaluation and assessment of their life. They will no longer associate themselves with addiction, but with health.
Not yet
•Significant others tend to experience people who have made this transition with greater respect and admiration then they ever had previously for the person. Additionally, trust and closeness in the relationship will take on a very real quality. One that has never actually been present previously — only assumed. The partner's believing in the "recovery" will no longer be a matter of crossing their fingers and hoping, but of having no doubt.
Not sure, maybe a way to go until my partner can trust himself to believe and trust again.


But overall very pleased with progress


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 9:49 am 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 10:46 am
Posts: 38
Lesson 14

Daily monitoring list

1.Was I honest with myself and with others today?
2.Did I engage in any addictive behavior today?
◦If so why and what did I do about it?

3.Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my M today?
4.Did I ask how he was today?
5.Was I open with my thoughts and feelings?
6.Did I do my job well today?
7.Did I complete all I needed to do today?
8.Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
9.Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how I felt emotionally today?
10. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 5:20 am 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 10:46 am
Posts: 38
Lesson 15

Take a moment to consider all you have learned in the past lessons.

The most significant thing I have learned is there is a way out. I am not destined to be an addict for the rest of my life. I can be healthy and over come the trauma of my childhood and build a healthy value system.

I hope true hope.

Thank you

Osctaz


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