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PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:52 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 11
Hi there, I've been working through this by myself as it's taken a while to get online. This is how far I've got so far.

1) Where am I in actively committing myself to change?

About as far as I’ve ever been rather than a passive recovery. Over the last 5 years I’ve done Inner Bonding, SLAA, Craig Rapp, Pathway to Happiness, BDA, AA, Counselling after Kev’s death, Zen, the Landmark Forum, yoga, and now Recovery Nation and signed up for the Venus crowd and Trypnaural beats. I am at the end of the line.

I’ve also signed up for these courses Jeff Walker, Todd Herman, Lou Bortone, Felicia Slattery, Denise Wakeman, Laura Sprinkle, TR Garland, Ryan Levesque, Russel Bronson, SamCart, considering Andre Chaperon…

Marathon and abandoned 2 of them, triathlons, massage theory

The key issues that hurt me are romantic and sexual relationships manifested in the relationship I’ve had with Ian, which really kicked off around the time mum was dying and escalated after Kev’s death, with a brief foray into a fantasy about Craig, involving spending money going to Miami not sleeping with him.

Money - I paid my debts off then went immediately into spend mode after the trauma of Kev’s death followed by Ian’s rejection

I have always gone back to the asterisk of Ian. Right now I keep going back to the what ifs and have a strong awareness this is poison to me and I have the first real opportunity to effect change that isn’t just euphoria in many years. This will end the Oli, Taidge, Sanjay, Alex, Ian, Fraser, Craig cycle and put to bed the shame of pooing in public, encouraging spooky to lick me, lesbian porn masturbation, 3 x masseurs touching me inappropriately, 1 x offer of sex, MAL – huge, granddad, my old man, going down on the guy aged 14, lots of sexual partners, kev and Paul naked, lesbian encounter, Mally, chasing after Ian in desperation, dad’s rejection, Sabrina’s anger, my anger at her and Merry

I would like to be at a point where I feel I can talk about my feelings with others and there is nothing to hide about them, they are not hidden and shaming. Also I can share love and joy and adventures and have a stable structure. Be a wonderful loving partner and experience that from another, trusted auntie, friend, sister, leader and kind and wise person.

This work comes first - and is not the only work I do – just a part of my day to do it healthily


2) Where am I in not allowing guilt or shame to sabotage the commitment to change
I am committed to checking if these factors are the drivers behind me wanting to masturbate to change my feelings – or overeat or spend before I give in to the urge and sabotage what I am trying to do.

3) Where am I in allowing myself time to change
Giving myself at least the 90 days suggested. Today is October 29 that makes 27 January the last day of this cycle. This is a kick off to the healthy part. I will wait and be guided as to how long that might take. I think I’ve read at least a year

Why I want permanent change in my life

1) I would like to feel love, compassion and respect for myself
2) I would like to live in a way that is in accordance with those values
3) I would like to share myself with others coming from those values
4) I would like to spend the vast majority of my time feeling happy and fulfilled in all the areas that are important to me – starting with being in a happy fulfilling relationship with the self that I love and a respectful relationship with the self that I forget to love sometimes when I slip up
5) Evolving to sharing that self with a man in true partnership on five key levels: physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, mental
6) I will be financially solvent and prosperous because I will have eliminated fantasy from my life, instead using visualisations to create situations and experiences that are enriching rather than escapist
7) I would like the ability to experience mature emotions that derive from what is happening rather than feeling I have to create them to feel alive
8) I would like to contribute to others’ well being having truly overcome this debilitating condition
9) I would like to live somewhere different and let Willow and Cherry heal
10) I would like to explore the world in a mature way
11) I would like the freedom to develop my skills or rekindle my skills in an organised manner, unencumbered by fear and guilt
12) I would like to start living as a human being and lose the fear of losing living in the identity of an addict who is permanently crippled by mental illness and unable to move beyond that
13) I would like to be as strong as I can be in every area of my life and visualise and create myself as that person
14) I would like a beautiful and regular sex life
15) I would like to be in touch with myself physically
16) I would like to live in the moment more often
17) I would like to feel genuine love and compassion for Ian and the other men I have felt and behaved addictively towards

Picture of a child
Reclaiming my life – images that came up – drunken teenaerhood, college, Glastonbury, living in HK and lonely, Oliver, Park Lane, Wolfgang, Tracey, comedy, looking for attention, pushing men away, pulling them to me, looking like a boy, feeling I was a boy, church eyes, feeling ugly, mum and spots, mum and alzheimers, drinking, pushing me off dad, mocking me, coming to HK, dad’s death, kev’s death, mum’s death – all the dead people in the pix, Karen, grandparents, uncles and auties, tina, drunken good times
Hiding out in the garage, dad yelling at me, dad seeing me
Ian again and again and again and again – not precursor to a relationship, pushing away in Dubai, lots of email, going out dancing and denying being iwht me dancing, flying with Pauline Vahey, in Paris, with his last girlfriend, being honest, not knowing what I was talking about, running away I think we should get together, will you go out with me, you’re turning me into a sex addict, did you mean what you said, we should buddy up and live together if it would n’t be a disaster, you are too controlling, I run away, no expections, I don’t know, not impossible. I want a cuddle. Wow. I met someone blind date but we really clicked, I don’t feel the same way, we can go out as couples,

So much pain – coming home from his place – Margaret Paul. Craig Rapp. Slaa in Melbourne Florida after that email. Recently I met someone and hope you mean what you said. Blind date but we really clicked. Last night someone who wants to get into flying…

I may have 50-60 years left. Emotionally I want it to be worth living and gift it to my little girl. Practically I want to be financially comfortable. Intellectually I want to remain with my curiosity piqued and honour and respect my little girl

Exercise 2



Reverence for the divine that is within all of us and all living things and manifestation of our divinity in the form of structures, schools, hospitals, financial institutions and other guardians of our wellbeing we have created, and that which we are called to do. Reverence for my physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and financial health, manifested in the committed actions I take towards nurturing and strengthening all four on a daily basis.
Commitment to my own health. Commitment to being a trusted leader and growing a prosperous business that sustains my team, our clients, Steve, and my own wellbeing. Create a true loving partnership with my husband, which is my primary relationship outside of that I have with myself, although there are plenty of other loves in my life, which I cherish. This means pleasure in my ongoing work on my own emotional maturity and wellbeing, so that I am a trusted partner and can cherish and revere my man and develop a level of intimacy and love with him that continues to deepen till the end of our days. I create space for him to be himself and fearlessly open myself to allow him in his role as a man. To be constantly curious about him and revere and cherish the divine within him. To do that I will embrace my femininity with love, trust and the courage to be a beautiful woman who is unafraid to be vulnerable before him. To support, encourage and love him no matter what. Commitment to a magical physical relationship, sexually enriching and plenty of loving touch, both sensual and tenderly affectionate as an expression of our care for each other. Commitment to creating a warm and loving home – within our four walls and with and for each other. Commitment to an adventurous life of travel, flying and exploration that nurtures rather than depletes us. I am devoted to giving him space -- both physical, as in a place to call his, and emotional, to pursue his passions and dreams outside of our couple. I contribute equally and fairly to my primary relationship with my husband. Commitment to my girls and other pets and even children, so that their physical and emotional wellbeing is a top priority in my life. Commitment to being a pilot and contributing to the sustained wellbeing of the general aviation community here in the UK. Commitment to being a loving sister, friend and stable pillar of the communities in which I choose to participate.


3 Values and 4 prioritising values

1. Love for myself/Self respect/wellbeing physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and mental
2. Financially healthy practices and attitudes. Use the DA list. Do I need this? Now? Can I get what it offers another way. Eliminate debt and save money. Create and sell high value products and services that I take time and energy to plan and build for people who can afford them
3. Be Feminine and beautiful both physically and in my home
a. Enjoy my physicality –Exercise every day – either yoga or a longer plan and eat healthily and not too much. Juice every day where possible
b. Keep doing my face exercises and other things to keep face young looking
c. Dress becomingly
d. Reactivate massage practise
4. Keep my home tidy and my physical needs organised and met – food and clothing
a. Develop home building as a desired skill. Eliminate clutter and create peaceful beauty
5. Commitment to my business’ success and profitability
a. Be a trusted leader for my tribes – learn how. Enjoy what I do and do jobs I don’t like doing in timely fashion. Stay on top of finances and team tasks
b. Keep the business tidy and able to find files and know what’s happening financially –monitor it constantly- lean on Steve, Rob and Tom for suggestions. Follow up sales calls and marketing offers
c. Check in with clients and prospects regularly
d. Build a useful marketing system
6. Love for others
7. Enjoy my sexuality – find a loving partner to connect with – preferably the man who will become my husband. Do the courses I have. Stop starting unlikely relationships. Commit to the ones I have
a. Stop using porn – instead use healthy fantasy and memory and even just being present
b. Give my man space to be himself and trust he’ll be with me as I’m fabulous to be with as I have such loveable values I live by – stop chasing – talk about my feelings and fears and show him my dark side and ask for understanding, compassion and communication. Eliminate behaviours that push away like I’ll phone as that’s what I want to do with out the discussion as to why and what he prefers so we have mutually comfortable way of being. If I say I’ll do something –eg fly move house – do it and stay in touch about it
c. Freedom from mental obsession, especially with men – latest being Ian
8. Give myself financial freedom to fly - build the business and save money and eliminate waste
9. Flying – build it back into my life. Go to AOPA, ensure I am regularly at airfields and going up
10. Travel - ensure I am having trips and holidays.
11. Integrity – being known as my word – doing what I say I’ll do by when I’ll say I do it or being responsible for why I didn’t do it
12. Develop courage – mental strength to tackle tough life moments – do this work. Build a routine. Meditate. Journal. Go ot meetings
13. Creativity – learn (one at a time- video marketing skills and video scripting)
14. Respect for others, be on time, stop owing money. Honour commitments. Value their businesses. Listen. Plan ahead and communicate
a. Reverence for every living being – listen without judgement – ensure cats are healthy and content
15. Trust myself as my actions are derived from my values
16. Trust others as wanting the best for everybody, too – as they have values of their own. Listen, wait before jumping to conclusions – listen to what my head is telling me before acting on that. Examine it for truth
17. Give my cats space to be themselves and explore and trust they’ll stay too
18. Self actualisation – manifested in my successful business and other creative pursuits
19. Commitment to my personal growth
20. Being trusted supplier – going the extra mile for clients
21. Being trusted investee – developing profitable business to honour Steve’s faith in me
22. Being trusted collaborator – valuing my partnerships
23. Delight in all that life has to offer pleasant or otherwise
24. Appreciation of others’ time and energy
25. Being a trusted leader in my business. Valuing and respecting my employees
26. Contribution to the communities I care about – aviation, family, friends, relationship – not necessarily in that order!
27. Be a valuable member of my family and evolve the relationship with my sisters and nieces
28. Be reliable and stable, expressed in my relationships, business and home
29. Commitment to my health and wellbeing
30. Commitment to agreements I make
31. Love for my husband
32. Love for my family
33. Love for my friends
34. Love for my cats
35. Depth of experience – sticking with projects and plans and people and evolving rather than running and having get out clause
36. Love for everybody else
37. Reverence for every living person
38. Health – spiritual, physical and emotional
39. Reverence for every living animal
40. Growth – ongoing positive healthy growth
41. Partnership – being in a true partnership with my husband and business partners
42. Relationship – others as my coaches and collaborators
43. Openness – allowing others to see me as I am. No more secrecy
44. Abuse of willingness to reveal parts of myself to control others
45. Maturity – desire for maturity for its own sake
46. Immaturity – lack of impulse control
47. Hard work – dedication and willingness to pitch in
48. Work addiction – avoidance of emotional pain
49. Curiosity – enjoying learning about everything always
50. Led down many rabbit holes as don’t stick to one project at a time
51. Wonder – sheer joy and reverence in what is available in the world
52. Strength – cultivate my strength and stamina in all areas
53. Explore my sexuality in workshop
54. Over indulge in sexuality – use of porn, Mal, many partners and consequences thereof. Masturbating that affected my work
55. Fearlessness – cultivate this when trying new things
56. Impetuosity – bravado when it wasn’t always the best way to conduct a new business/life idea
57. Develop my faith again that this will grow me up as aa did at the start of the journey and the desire for integrity has led me here
58. Maintain willingness to explore and develop
59. Reactivate and commit to regular global travel – I love it!
60. Travel has led to impulsive and excess expenditure – plan it properly
61. Keep exploration active for everything
62. Exploration can lead to distraction and lack of focus
63. Also overindulgence in pleasures bringing me heartache, fat and lack of cash
64. Overspending and lack of clarity led to debt and small life
65. Wealth gathering –spend time and energy on this
66. Ensure nurturing myself is high priority
67. Share nurturing skills with others
68. Activate maternal instincts and engage with Polly and Nousky
69. Be generous with my time and money
70. Overspending time and money to impress others
71. Commit to inclusion as my business grows
72. Constantly refer to and develop my vision keep it alive
73. Participate in my communities
74. Develop my spirituality –reactivate and develop my sense of the divine
75. Unfocused projects that don’t contribute – distraction – too many
76. Friendship – being a fantastic friend
77. Attention to detail
78. Caring for others in a practical way

-
1. Love for myself/Self respect/wellbeing physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and mental
2. Financially healthy practices and attitudes. Use the DA list. Do I need this? Now? Can I get what it offers another way. Eliminate debt and save money. Create and sell high value products and services that I take time and energy to plan and build for people who can afford them
3. Be Feminine and beautiful both physically and in my home
a. Enjoy my physicality –Exercise every day – either yoga or a longer plan and eat healthily and not too much. Juice every day where possible
b. Keep doing my face exercises and other things to keep face young looking
c. Dress becomingly
d. Reactivate massage practise
4. Keep my home tidy and my physical needs organised and met – food and clothing
a. Develop home building as a desired skill. Eliminate clutter and create peaceful beauty
5. Commitment to my business’ success and profitability
a. Be a trusted leader for my tribes – learn how. Enjoy what I do and do jobs I don’t like doing in timely fashion. Stay on top of finances and team tasks
b. Keep the business tidy and able to find files and know what’s happening financially –monitor it constantly- lean on Steve, Rob and Tom for suggestions. Follow up sales calls and marketing offers
c. Check in with clients and prospects regularly
d. Build a useful marketing system
6. Love for others
7. Enjoy my sexuality – find a loving partner to connect with – preferably the man who will become my husband. Do the courses I have. Stop starting unlikely relationships. Commit to the ones I have
a. Stop using porn – instead use healthy fantasy and memory and even just being present
b. Give my man space to be himself and trust he’ll be with me as I’m fabulous to be with as I have such loveable values I live by – stop chasing – talk about my feelings and fears and show him my dark side and ask for understanding, compassion and communication. Eliminate behaviours that push away like I’ll phone as that’s what I want to do with out the discussion as to why and what he prefers so we have mutually comfortable way of being. If I say I’ll do something –eg fly move house – do it and stay in touch about it
c. Freedom from mental obsession, especially with men – latest being Ian
8. Give myself financial freedom to fly - build the business and save money and eliminate waste
9. Flying – build it back into my life. Go to AOPA, ensure I am regularly at airfields and going up
10. Travel - ensure I am having trips and holidays.
11. Integrity – being known as my word – doing what I say I’ll do by when I’ll say I do it or being responsible for why I didn’t do it
12. Develop courage – mental strength to tackle tough life moments – do this work. Build a routine. Meditate. Journal. Go ot meetings
13. Creativity – learn (one at a time- video marketing skills and video scripting)
14. Respect for others, be on time, stop owing money. Honour commitments. Value their businesses. Listen. Plan ahead and communicate
a. Reverence for every living being – listen without judgement – ensure cats are healthy and content
15. Trust myself as my actions are derived from my values




1. Be Feminine and beautiful both physically and in my home
a. Enjoy my physicality –Exercise every day – either yoga or a longer plan and eat healthily and not too much. Juice every day where possible
b. Keep doing my face exercises and other things to keep face young looking
c. Dress becomingly
2. Keep my home tidy and my physical needs organised and met – food and clothing
a. Sort the corner in the lounge out. Take some to tip/charity and list and sell the other things. If they don’t sell then give them away
3. Commitment to my business’ success and profitability
a. X check the week plan against the month plan
b. Build in social media time so am not distracted
c. FOCUS!
d. Follow up with sales calls and tidy up my laptop and files
e. Enjoy what I do and do jobs I don’t like doing in timely fashion. Stay on top of finances and team tasks
f. Tidy up the business files
g. Get up to speed with money and put it into cashflow and sales plan
h. Talk to Steve, Rob and Tom – keep Liam and Annie in the loop
i. Keep the business tidy and able to find files and know what’s happening financially –monitor it constantly- lean on Steve, Rob and Tom for suggestions. Follow up sales calls and marketing offers

4. My own financial wellbeing Eliminate waste from bank account
a. Monitor spending
b. Bring in more salary for myself
c. Pay off overdraft - check on best methods
d. Eliminate wasteful spending
e.
See excel sheet

Committing to policy of absolute honesty. If there is an element of deception or risk assessment in what I say then am I being honest?

Establish a boundary of being absolutely honest with yourself
2) Establish a boundary of sharing your true self with the world around you

Willingness to adopt the concept of living your life in a manner where you do not need (and do not want) to use deception to help manage your life. Inherent in this is your willingness to rely upon honesty as a proactive means of managing your life. Meaning, when you face a decision...you filter the decision-making process through whether or not you would need to use deception as a part of that process. If you would, then it goes against your values and you must find a better option. If you wouldn't, then you hold your head up high and take responsibility for however that decision turns out. It was based on your existing values and you can have no sounder base with which to act.

Absolute honesty requires that you present your true self to the world around you. That you approach others with vulnerability and a respect for their desire to truly communicate with you. You disrespect that process when you use deception to paint a new, more palatable version of reality. Not that you must share every detail of your life, you shouldn't. But, you must make it an absolute boundary that you do not lie about any detail. Something as simple as, 'I don't feel comfortable talking about that right now.' Or, 'That is personal.' Or even, 'I did something that I know is wrong. I don't want to talk about the specifics, but I do want to make you aware that I am addressing it. When I get to the point where I can talk about this openly, I will.'

Who am I deceiving? Steve with the cash – why? Afraid of looking bad. Myself with ignoring business financial needs. Piaggio and others – how well I’m performing. Annie and Liam vague about their futures don’t like to admit to them. Ian as pretending I’m not bothered. HE IS ON A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!! I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS….I do not want to let him go. Why?


People I use as compulsive or romantic fantasy objects
Ian S
Young girl from Tantra
Masseur from Kazakhstan
Masseuse from Sydney
Masseur from Miami
Craig B
Lawrence L
Tantra women

Places
X hamster
Tantra class?



Rituals stalking ian and others on social media. Feeling fury, powerless, rage jealously, despair when he is with another woman. Searching for that
Fantasy/obsession – Ian, Ian, Ian has been Oli Oli Oli, Sanjay at one point, Wolfgang, Jon C, Keith, Craig – all of whom I’ve been convinced really loved me and wanted to be with me even when they rejected me. Rod. Rod. Alex (ouch!) Frazer

Andy Mc
Romantic delusions

Like obsessions, the behavioral pattern becomes a complete focus on the reciprocation of this love, and his/her perception of reality is lost in the process.

Obsessions
Infatuation, when the infatuation involves the loss of one's own boundaries and balance
Constant worry over the fidelity of a romantic partner (checking gas mileage, following them, hiring investigators, asking others to seduce their partners to see how they will respond)
Not wanting to lose the love of a romantic partner (e.g. placing constant pressure on the partner to "prove" his/her love; voicing frequent need for reassurance; overanalyzing day to day events)
Wanting to get a partner to fall in love with you (e.g. exhibit overly generous symbols of your affection/interest in the relationship; displaying/voicing a willingness to sacrifice your own boundaries for this person)
Inability to emotionally let go of a former romantic partner

omantic Delusions
Fantasy (in selecting a target)
Power (in not facing initial rejection)
Suspense (in not knowing whether or not his/her target will reciprocate his feelings
Other Elements Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Fantasy, Obsession and/or Delusions are the Primary Behavior:
Fantasy
Sensory (especially physical/visual)
Depending on the fantasy, just about any elements can be included in such chains
Orgasm (especially when masturbation is involved)
Obsession
Accomplishment (when partner caught in a lie; evidence discovered; admission of guilt; when acknowledgment of a romantic gesture is made)
Past (when previous partners have cheated and the memories of such create emotions towards a current partner)
Romantic Delusions
Danger (when stalking, married targets are involved)
Accomplishment (when feelings are reciprocated)

Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With:
Fantasy
Pornography
Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression)
Boredom
Feeling unappreciated, taken for granted
Media (TV, songs, books, Internet, etc.)
Love
Lack of intimacy
Visual attraction
Social situations/Public places
Obsession
Conflict (especially as it relates to boundaries involving trust and honesty)
Love (especially highly passionate, intense relationships)
Affairs (both yours and those discovered/suspected involving your partner)
Breakups
Low self-esteem
Previous obsessive relationships
Romantic Delusions
Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression)
Visual attraction; Mental attraction
Social situations/public places

Boundaries Frequently Violated By:
Fantasy
Intimacy
Identity
Meaning
Obsession
Autonomy
Self-respect
Intimacy
Identity
Love
Romantic Delusions


Identity
Integrity
Safety
Social Acceptance
Order

frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Masturbation
Life Stressors
Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger)
Objects (especially visual stimulation, access to lotions, objects)
Unfulfilled romantic/sexual encounters


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 2:43 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hello Commitment

Quote:
I am at the end of the line.


I do hope that at this point you do commit fully and completely to a positive and active recovery

in essence to a change in how you manage your emotions and actions using healhy values
As addicts we tend towards the belief that we need to act out, feed the urge actually we dont need to we simply choose to
choosing not to is harder but gets easier as we progress


so choose to do the right thing not the easy thing


thus welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 8:57 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 11
Thank you Coach Kenzo for taking the time. I totally see my patterns. down to not having created the alternative behaviours in Day 7 - rather just written the observations down on a spreadsheet. I will share them here.

Today and this week has been crazy overspending with some compulsive masturbation as I come to terms with the fact I have been in so much denial and fantasy. And am STILL unwilling to let it go. Ian is on a fabulous romantic holiday, the like of which I'd LOVE to have in my lifetime, with another woman. There has been some good in the week, too. For balance. However, my pattern is very much group 4 - justification and rationalization. minimizing my behaviours and swearing commitment to others.

Here are my action plans.
Commitment to my business' success and profitability.
Create high value products and services that I take time and energy to plan and build for people who can afford them
Schedule time to build them w/c nov 17
Sell products. Dubai Airshow. Create working follow up sheet to work on with Rob w/c nov 17. cleaned up sheet in place by nov 24
Market business properly. w/c Nov 17
Check in with team. Daily. Monitor what they are doing
Check to see where we are at with clients. Daily
Keep clients happy. Send video of behind the scenes to them. Ensure deliver good service at DAS. Send out timeline
x check cashflow against plan
Eliminate non useful products and services
Let x know I'm paying him. Contact x. Work out what to pay x
Clean up desktop. Book in with Apple and plan week with x and Tech Hub
Get email sequence done
Do LinkedIn course

Amazingly I have been mostly on track with that apart from doing the last four

Personal financial wellbeing. Pay off debts by end of 2018. start investing Nov 2017. Have nice life with holidays 2018
Daily 20 mins. Implement tracking. w/c 24 start H&L
Get personal work in. Nov 10
stop incurring unsecured debt. Nov 10
start saving w/c 24 Nov
create spending and saving plan that works for me. Nov 24

none of that. will address tomorrow

Sundays as matter of course
Enjoy my sexuality
attend Venus workshop Nov 30
Do venus course in Jan
Try different orgasms
Get off dating sites. Cancel subscriptions
Stop using porn. Daily
start massaging again w/c 24 nov
Stop creating tracking pathways obsessing about Ian
Start creating neural pathways visualising marriage and happiness with a man

some - used porn once and did not do my visualisations or new tracking pathways work much

Spirituality
Recovery nation. Daily
Meditate daily
yoga stretch daily
eliminate suicidal thoughts
Reactivate flying
Plan once per month flying with Pauline and co

Mostly done - not daily yoga or mediation though

Get properly involved with airfields campaign. Start w/c 24 November
not really activatioed

Start the AOPA sim in January and aim to go through lessons
Travel
Ensure I'm having hoildays. Plan and pencil out the dates next year no matter what. Take 2 weeks at Christmas
Ensure I'm travelling regularly. Plan airshows and ensure we have the cash to be there with a team. w/c nov 17

not done
Integrity

Get a book that I work from constantly the same one and ensure I track and honour what I say I'll do
hmm...no have one book, not mointoring

Courage
Build a routine. Map out 3 week tracks and do 1 absolute thing every day and aim for 2 others until ingrained. Start 17 nov
Creativity
90 day year - download videos and lessons. Wc/ nov 17. map out the skillsets
start video marketing on linked in wc/ 17 nov
Respect for others
Be on time. Let my pals know when I wasn't. Set up that FB group
plan ahead and value others' time
ensure I do not owe people money
Listen without judgement
Tackle cats' skin condition wc/ Nov 24
Trust myself
Create vision board from this and the lists I have
put whiteboard up in kitchen
have reminders around the place and track my progreess

not done. see what I need to do!


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 Post subject: Re:Lesson 12
PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 11
unhealthy recovery patterns I can recognise in myself - yes am in group 4

They will have completed the majority of exercises with sincerity and passion, but they tend to move on to the next without ever thinking much about what they have already learned.

reading this made me look at lesson 7 in particular

They put forth the required amount of effort in their participation, but only rarely go that "extra mile". The one where they take the information and use it for their own benefit, in their own way. Establishing a private workbook, writing out (or just thinking about) additional personal ways that the information may pertain to them.

I do have a worksheet - it's sticking to it that matters

They tend to analyze the risk/reward benefits of what they are being asked to do, before making the decision to do it. At least later in the workshop.
possiblye

Though they are sincere about wanting to recover, they keep the workshop separate from their "addictive identities"...in that, they intellectually try to understand what they are learning...and physically try to apply it to their lives, but only in appearance...not in substance. Several exercises where this can be seen would be in Day Seven, where they were instructed to take out their values list in between each urge/decision to act

have slipped on this lots of times

; Later in the workshop, when they are asked to keep a log of their time; and in the Advanced Topics area, where they are asked to complete an evaluation form for each time they acted out.
Those who find themselves in this final group, most often ignored the physical act of pulling out the list and reading it; most often thought about the actions they would have documented in the Time Management log...or spent one or two documentation sessions trying to remember days and days of information — rendering the exercise useless; most often ignored the instruction to complete the evaluation form for one of several reasons, or they completed it for less than 25% of the times that they have actually acted out.
This is not to say that they have been insincere or have failed...not at all. Only that such behavior is common with this group. And the reasons for the behavior...laziness, monotonous, boredom, "getting nothing tangible in return", incorrect anticipation of why the exercise is being requested...these are the wrinkles that will need to be identified and smoothed out before that final transition is made.

that sounds like me ot a T. I will remember to be aware of this

Right now I have a cold and want to switch off this and everything - really letting myself off the hook because of the illness. needing warmth, cuddle love and rest. really craving thoee things instead of work


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 5:49 pm 
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Healthy recovery patterns
Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.
II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.

Values in healthy patterns - pitch up for others when I make a promise mostly. Listen to others. be creative, tidy me and tidy house. take care of cats. courage to try something new high sex drive masturbation and porn

values in unhealthy patterns financially irresponsible - creativity and desire to build business. Over sacrificing myself for others. courage for flying. high sex drive masturbatin and porn



Awareness and action on some of the areas - especially when it comes to pitching up for others and not buying into their struggles. I do need to get out that values list - there is a huge resistance to acting from my values in some areas - eg wanting to watch tv and drink medicine and eat chocolate instead of tidying up . however, I DO need to take some downtime for myself, which is something I tend not to do - rather grab at it and feel uncomfortable and not properly relax. giving myself permission to relax is fab. Last night I fixed up my TV and watched a movie. yes I ate chocolate. This was the first time I've relaxed like that with my TV in years. In a really nice tidy space. Today I decluttered - it's on my values list.

still nice

I do have to prioritise my money. However, I can see that I am creating high value products and services and have been asked to pitch for the highest value job I've ever been asked to create.

vat return - will send pitch this evening. asked for counsel

Food - I will try intermittent fasting and at long last I have my cats at the vets and am seeing my elderly AA sponsor regularly - for her not me. Have worked hard at leadership. So I can see my patterns are to seize a value and work at it. My unhealthy patterns are trying to do too much at once. Persistence has stood me in good stead. The values list. So my morning could go: up, journal dream, make the bed, breathe, tea & read values then, plan day, exercise, feed cats, get ready, coffee & shower

morning no - if yes


Distraction and overwhelm. Did use porn today - it was Anna Span though girls' porn. Not sure if that is bad or not for me. Last week's to do list was just crazy. Need to address that. Focus on one thing at a time is helpful. I can really see aftermath of mad spending. In total resistance against everything today. Part of me really wanting to ciam day off.

did not use porn and masturbated Weds night after late one. had sales meetings and desire to let go of Annie. needed to write her an email or talk to her


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:23 pm 
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DAily monitoring list
Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?
Yes 8/10 - points lost for lateness and not planning meeting
Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
A little bit online – 5/10
Searched for info about Ian. Stalked his wife and son’s. Fantasised about it
3/10
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Yes I did and got off it with FB – 4/10
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
Not quite…didn’t last as long though with FB. Not with Ian 5/10 and 3/10
If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
No – that’s an interesting perspective
Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with somebody today?
Yes with the group – 10/10
If not, how many days has it been since I have?
Was I attentive to others’ needs today?
Yes, Ginny, Diana and my group – Rob and Tom 8/10
Was I truthful in everything I shared with others today?
Concealing debt and never discuss romance 5/10
Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment?
Not really
Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
Not yet. Rob, Liam, Annie, Steve 5/10
Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with others (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?)
Yes – I felt moved by people today 9/10
Did I roleplay at least one reactive action plan today?
Don’t know what that means yet
Did I take care of my physical needs today? 8/10 eating 0/10 exercise 9/10 dress becomingly 5/10 sleep
How did I apply myself to my business today
7/10
how is my home today?
7/10 tidyness
How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?
6/10
very stressed out by the debt. Happy I am starting work on clearing and building. My sister pointed out I need to remember that 2 days ago I was stressing about Annie, and the VAT assessment and I have started to tackle both


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 6:38 am 
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Quick assessment and am pleased with my progress. No porn use since last week.

Friday and Saturday were assigned a little bit to Diana and Genevieve. Saturday I did some fundraising by taking stuff back to the shops. Also called a friend because it was her birthday, and on Friday stuck to the intermittent fasting. Saturday I had 9 hour window. Need to get mastery on that. Ran the call for a group I'm committed to leading, and showed up for my pals. Generally feeling a lot better. Still a bit stuck on Ian, however intervening with values based questions today and haven’t used porn for the last few days (and I did feel really horny yesterday) and today prevented myself from stalking him online. Asking myself questions about the fantasy I have about him. Currently in aqua velvet top looking stunning and being rich in Singapore and he wants me. Alternatively he is here with Mark W and I’m being fabulous feeding them both and Mark is urging him to be with me. Old fantasy of GaryD and I’m in velvet top bumping into him on the underground. Velvet underground hah.

Really enjoying the way I am showing up for a lot of things in my life at the moment.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 6:42 am 
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So anyway - the issue I am monitoring is huge - it's my finances. Very tied into my sex addiction, I use both compulsive spending and masturbation/fantasy to mask/bury feelings of inadequacy.

Taking just one area of that, it is to give my business some real structure by unpicking where I am mindlessly spending and stop doing that and choosing to grow revenues and bring real income in now.

So I will start again today on my values based daily healthcheck! And put a reminder in my calendar to review in 2 weeks time - ie Dec 27.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 7:57 am 
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How were sexual/romantic compulsive behaviours introduced to my life?
1) sexually compulsive - hiding out and secret for fear of being caught and punished
blocked memories of grandad - secrecy, fear, black jacket with white specks. smell of granddad with sweets in the bedroom. scary budgerigars in the house. non sexual slow old woman with one breast and elephantisis and bad temper who could not cook. or at least like mum cooked. So I hide out with my compulsions and am secretive. They feel perverted - usually homosexual in nature. Feel very aroused by young man's body and lips and want to masturbate. Catholic symbols around the place. Religion and scary devils. Crucifixion.

2) masturbation - glorious discovery of orgasm aged 14 when I watched a film starring another male teenager I was attracted to and the sheer delight of how it felt. could never recreate that first time. compulsively used to say rosary so I would not grow more than 5.4' so he would not be attracted to me as I'd grow taller than him. Huge romantic obsession. Stole my sister's postcard from him. Felt entitled though she had written to him. Felt he was mine. Dug through old magazines to find listings with him in it. Fantasised for hours about him. Took me away from reality of my life - abandonment at home.

3) Terror of one of the priests at school and that I'd be forced to marry him. He used to bear down on me saying 'who's my best friend?' did he abuse me? I felt he might. Father O'Grady. Dirty toilets in the old schoolyard. Dirty canteen. Hated eating there. Dreams and night terrors that I'd have to go to him. Standing to have my schoolbooks marked and thinking 'does [teacher's name] want to fuck me? and feeling guilty and vicious at the same time. plays out today in the way I am with men. I was aged 8-11 at this time.

4) Aged 10 -ish. Mother telling me to stop wrestling with my father as I'd arouse him. Also making him laugh at my breasts falling out of her bra aged 11 and feeling wretchedly self conscious about my breasts aged 13 ish. both parents a) refusing to let my sister and I go out wearing tops when we were 8 and going around the neighbourhood and b) refusing to let me wear a bra at school when girls who had smaller breasts than I did wore them. at 14 buying an outfit that my parents told me looked slutty. Looking sexually available, having older boy wanting to kiss me and not knowing what to do. Feeling lost with my sexuality so doing what others wanted me to do. or taking control by adopting another persona.

5) Having old man chase me in a tractor giving me peaches and love letters because I'd called out to him on the street. My father found out and either beat him up or threatened him. No real consequences for the man though who would sometimes still call out to me. Withdrew and felt ashamed and also powerful as my father had stepped in, yet he had not really stopped the abuse. Similar with granddad. When my father died I felt any sense of any protection completely gone - tried to make my brother my protector. Really played my sexuality and true feelings close to my chest.

5) Drunk at a party aged 14. Boy put his penis in my mouth. Crying. Father came to pick me up. No consequences for anyone. Stories about me in school being sexually promiscuous. Denied them vigorously and had sympathy and was also banned from some teenage parties and boys I liked avoided dating me, though all were happy to kiss me. Although I remained a virgin I would regularly get drunk/stoned at parties and be very sexual. Became seductive with no intention of dating the boys. From the outset I wanted to punish potential real partners

6) First lover. Fabulous sexual relationship in many ways. Tipped the balance of shame filled behaviour too. Involved my siblings. Would have sex in same room as my sister having sex and punish her and try to make her feel guilty. Played strip poker with my brother and boyfriend. His mum asked us not to sleep together in the same bedroom, though he'd said she was okay with it. Blamed him. Became very self righteous publicly. Met him when I was drunk at a party and we'd been very sexual. Did not want to date him. My sister urged me to go out with him (though he'd liked her first and both were okay with that). Made mental pledge not to have sex with him till after dad died - felt guilty. Did lots of confession and church. Slept with him after dad's death - he was pushing me to do that. Went on assignation. He was going to work and lost his erection and I had vaginismus. Thought it was me. Turned out he was being unfaithful to me. Punished him by when we did get back together pretending I hadn't felt him enter me and it wasn't all that. Maintained punishment all through our subsequent relationship and today like to be in control of initial seduction and then move into men abandoning me and then move into fantasy rather than go through the pain of that time again - dead father and boyfriend abusing me all around huge guilt around sex.

What have I learned in last 2 weeks
That coming from values can halt destructive impulses and start to forge new behaviours. That habits can be broken and changed. That a great deal of my behaviour has stemmed from my early sexual/romantic decisions. That I punish men - one of my great tricks is to move into romanticising ideal version of man, who will not live up to that image. I also seduce and am great in bed and alluring while having no intention of being with the man, then punish him by withdrawing, blaming that on him publicly and turning myself into great romantic heroine that no one can understand why I don't have a boyfriend/partner as I'm so wonderful and kind and fabulous to be with. That I can let go of the terror and pain that happened all those decades ago. That the men also were in pain and boys at the time in some cases.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 7:04 pm 
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10 Dec
A typical daily monitoring list may look like this:
Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?
yes
Did I engage in any compulsive behaviour today?
Some – browsing online – no masturbation or overspending
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Yes – it felt uncomfortable
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
YES !! I counted backwards and did not stalk Ian. Huzzah!
If no, did I role-play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
Not sure what this means
Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with somebody today?
Yes – Catherine at yoga
If not, how many days has it been since I have?
Was I attentive to others’ needs today?
Yes. Catherine and checked in on Diana & my pals
Was I truthful in everything I shared with others today?
yes
Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment?
Hard to focus in yoga, and LOVED this morning with the cats on the couch
Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
yes
Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with others (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?)
yes
Did I role-play at least one reactive action plan today?
?
Did I take care of my physical needs today?
Big time first exercise in 2 weeks, juiced and had lovely bath ritual. Willing to sew my coat and can’t see to sew so buying needle threader if such a thing exists
How did I apply myself to my business today?
Cancelled some dd’s – really looked at finances – ouch –and committed to wealth
How is my home today?
Clean and tidy. Need to declutter the finance/business/food table
How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?
pretty stable


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:17 pm 
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Posts: 11
Dec 11
A typical daily monitoring list may look like this:
Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?
yes
Did I engage in any compulsive behaviour today?
Hell yes – Brett’s email threw me into compulsion of checking him out – is he married? Seems not. Holiday to HK fantasy- marriage and his death fantasy with Ian watching and stepping in while I save African kids. Winter wonderland romantic night out. Several kisses and tantric sex. All that has happened is he’s asked me to call him.
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
yes
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
Yes and then reverted
If no, did I role-play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
No. I will try that one. The fantasy is very real to me as a way to manage my emotions – experience a thinner version of them I can deal with
Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with somebody today?
Yes. Jon, Sarah and Ginny and Diana, Liam and Rob, Steve
If not, how many days has it been since I have?
Was I attentive to others’ needs today?
Yes
Was I truthful in everything I shared with others today?
Yes – omitting my debt generally
Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment?
Was distracted in yoga with fear around Diana – did a bit though
Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
80%
Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with others (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?)
yes
Did I role-play at least one reactive action plan today?
?
Did I take care of my physical needs today?
yes
How did I apply myself to my business today?
Marketing vids, sales call to Matt, follow up Piaggio
How is my home today?
Tidy for bedtime
How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?
70


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