Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:14 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 143 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 2:22 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3534
Location: UK
L2R
Quote:
I will try and be more positive tomorrow


and every day thereafter

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:43 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
So I am feeling better today. Last night was actually fine and there was no digging comments made which all made for a more relaxing atmosphere. I've been thinking about things today again and another thought struck me. SA's have generally learned to develop a selfish streak in themselves where they are putting their own emotional needs ahead of their own values and anyone else's come to that. When an SA wants something then they expect to just get it there and then and have their own immediate needs satisfied. Whilst I have moved away from acting out on any urges and have spend a lot of time and effort in going through each of the lessons in preparing myself for a better life, I have probably been thinking more about how I want my new life to be as I am now ready to make these changes and get on with it. What I have been forgetting is that my wife hasn't been on this journey and is unaware that I have been on it either other than my recent confession to having had a review of my life 3 months ago. So whilst I would argue that I am now being less selfish, it is perhaps a selfish trait that has led me to expect my wife to fall in with what I want (even if I think that what I have suggested is in our collective interests) just because I am ready for it now.

I have mentioned before that I have found it helpful to read some of the Partner Recovery Threads as it puts the other side across in a way that I can be emotionally detached from as the person is not talking about me - even though I recognise the common issues that they are legitimately complaining about having to endure. I have found that is really gives me some perspective. I have been wondering if any of the Partners have been reading my thread for the same reasons and that then led me to wondering what they may think if they had read a recent thread of mine. It is maybe just as well that they are now permitted to post on my thread as I might not like what they may say as the obvious response to my moaning of yesterday would be to remind me of the hell that I put my wife through before and yet I think that people should feel sorry for me because she is being short with me when eating our dinner. As I say, it's all about perspective. Life is full of ups and downs but if I feel like I am headed in the right direction then I must expect to have good and bad days with it. More importantly I need to be patient, if I want to bring my wife along with me then I need to explain why and then be prepared to have to wait for her to be ready herself to do that. If you are a Partner reading this then I have heard what you are probably thinking and it is fair comment.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:52 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
Having given this a lot of thought I decided to have a chat with my wife about our life and roles together. My end game was to try and get her to put herself into my shoes and see our relationship and needs from my side as I feel like I do try and see things from her side but don’t sense she does that for me. As such I feel that she doesn’t care at times which deep down I don’t think is true but her actions sometimes make me feel that way. So the way I approached it was to say that I had tried to put myself in her head and get some appreciation about how she feels. I then described all of the things that she needs to do to look after our house, cleaning, shopping, washing, cooking, our son for school, etc which all add up to being a drain on her emotionally which can make her feel exhausted. It turned out not to be the right approach, rather than her feeling like I understood her she suggested I had just described her life as being boring and horrible. I then spent some time backtracking and explaining what I was actually meaning which kind of worked to some extent. I then asked is she could take the week ahead to find 10 minutes or so to try and see the world through my eyes and see if she could identify where my energy goes and think about the worries and stresses I may through work and home life. She decided not to wait and came straight out with a very simplistic answer of me going to work and earning money to pay our mortgage which was really disappointing to hear. I then explained that I feel that we both have very differ ent but important roles in our household, mine revolves more around having a responsible job which earns us a lot of money which means that spew can live in our lovely home and that she doesn’t need to find a job and separately she has the responsibility of looking after our house. When I am home from work then I help out around the house too. My concern though is that I get the sense that she thinks that she does everything and she actually used those words during the conversation. I suggested that she might think that an unfair comment as it completely disregards what I do in my job and that she might be offending me by repeatedly telling me that she is the only one to do anything. I then cited examples of various things I do around the house and the she told me that she still organises everything though. I said I agreed with that point but that that isn’t what she often says, she says that she is the only one that “does” anything. She completely missed the point. It goes to show you that you can give a lot of thought to something and then when you talk about it then it can come out all wrong.

The conversation then took a turn for the better as we talked about our future and how retirement in due course might be an interesting challenge for both us - me being at home a lot more and her not being the only one making decisions. As the conversation was nearing its end I asked her what her views were on sex and whether she was bothered about it. She said that we are both usually too tired and night and with that she shut her eyes and the conversation ended. I was left feeling irritated with her flippant response and also that she did not ask me for my views, I assume as she didn’t want to get into a conversation about us having sex. I keep recording here that I spend time reading the threads of Recovery Partners and these usual recount that they can’t get their SA partners to open up about their feelings and I find it frustrating that when I do that I am met with the same reaction. I don’t want to keep being heavy with my wife and she will grow suspicious for the wrong reasons but I don’t want to get to the point of saying there is a big problem.

Back to the drawing board for now I guess!

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 3:19 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
I do feel like my threads must read like a soap at times with lots of "oohs" and "ahhs"! I decided that I had done enough heavy chatting yesterday and the mood was fairly upbeat around the house and we had an enjoyable day and evening. When we went to bed I touched my wife's leg and then for the first time in I don't know how long she touched my arm back. I moved over a bit more and hugged her and she held me too which doesn't normally happen. I had assumed that this would lead to more but it became apparent that was not the case (!) and whilst I felt a bit frustrated I recognised that this was a turning point for her after her comments about not hugging me as she knows I will expect sex. We held each other for quite a while and nearly fell asleep that way. We felt closer than we have in a very long time and it was really nice.

There is clearly a line that shouldn't be crossed in threads and I will be mindful of that but I wanted to record this as it felt like a huge turning point in my journey. Having moaned endlessly about feeling like my wife didn't care of listen to me at times, she has shown me that this is in fact not the case. All in all a good start to the week.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:44 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
Just a short post today.

As things have calmed down again at home and I feel like I am back on an even keel, there are far fewer emotions flowing through me. Interestingly I am seeing very little in the way of urges coming my way. I know that this is exactly what the lessons point out (i.e. when you are in a negative emotional state then the urges will come at you to try and change your emotional state quickly the other way) but it is just interesting to see the theory actual playing out in practice. The lesson to learn here? Plan ahead and be ready for it and expect it next time round!

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 3:41 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
Whilst the onset of a spate of urges to fend off over the last week as a result of being in a bad mood at times did not come as a major surprise, what did surprise me a bit is the perceived excitement still of acting out before you hit it with the action plan. To be fair I was better at batting them away at some times more than others. If I am being totally honest I allowed myself on some occasions to think through past experiences before closing the door on it. For a split second I could sense asking myself if acting out would be so bad. It scared me a bit if I am honest, but I see it as teaching a good lesson that I need to steer away from complacency. If I have all the teachings and action plans flowing through my head at all times then I will be ready at all times. It is like anything, if you want to be good at something then you need to practice it. I see some threads here of those successfully coming through the programme and then a year or two later returning as they had experienced complacency.

A useful thing I found was to read back over my thread from the start and it was interesting to see my mindset back then. The key thing for me is that I joined RN because I was fed up of feeling rubbish with the guilt and shame after acting out. So when potentially perceiving excitement at the prospect of acting out even when I'm in a bad mood, my action plan needs to clearly remind me why I joined RN in the first place, however exciting any acting out may seem, if I would truly enjoy it both during and after then I wouldn't have registered here. The excitement is an illusion and I need to see it for what it really is regardless of my mood.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:22 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
When I was getting ready for work this morning I was thinking back to how I felt at the point of joining RN. I was feeling desperate about the prospect of avoiding acting out as the whole process was so draining. I would probably have rated myself as 3/4 out of 10 at the chances of avoiding ever acting out at that stage. I feel like a different person now and that I have the tools to be more relaxed and confident about no longer acting out and would increase that score to something like 9 now. That made me feel quite good about myself and I recognised that I have as part of my weekly monitoring to remind myself how well I am doing with this programme. To be fair, I read those words each week but don't really give myself the pat of the back that I deserve. So it left me feeling good.

When I got into work I then read some of the recent threads posted by others on our and the partners' forums. I always find the partners' threads interesting reading as it brings me back down to earth again. As I keep saying, the stories are all individual but follow the same broad theme of betrayal. Those words could be recorded by any of our own partners and it gives me a knot in my stomach. These individuals have incredible strength to stay and work through a very difficult time and I have great respect for them persevering and not taking the easier option of leaving. If I were a partner posting on that forum if my own partner was an SA my view would be that the trade off for going through that pain is that they have a SA partner at the end of the programme that they can trust implicitly. Quite right too.

So reflecting back on my initial comments, yes I should feel good about myself that my self-scoring has risen from 3/4 to 9 but that still isn't good enough. It needs to be a 10 as that is what my wife deserves for having put her through hell yet she still stayed with me. When I get to a 10 and keep it there, then I can truly tell myself how well I have done with no question. That's my target and I will get there.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 4:01 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
I have read through my own posts over the last week as part of my weekly monitoring and it has certainly been an up and down week. Having challenges and stress needs to be met positively though as it gives me the opportunity to put the theory of the lessons into practice. I am pleased to know that the action plans and mindset all work but they require work and practice. Have I been perfect and implemented each action plan to the letter? No. Have I reflected back and identified where the gaps were and worked out how I need to improve moving forwards? Of course. I will only get towards the score of 10 that I set myself yesterday if I keep working at it and putting everything into practice and learning from what doesn't go the way I want it to.

I would say that my biggest learning point of the week has been about the excitement gained from urges. I had a bit of a turning point on this because the penny dropped that I should not expect things that have excited me for the last 40 years in an unhealthy way to suddenly hold no appeal whatsoever. My action plans are in place to manage them, not to necessarily make them unexciting. I sense that over time the strength of that excitement will fall away if I don't feed it with attention but that won't happen overnight. But the important thing that crossed my mind when I was faced with the excitement was that if that excitement was such a good thing and if even for a split second I doubted whether it might be worth letting my guard down and act out, I need to remind myself of why I joined RN in the first place. It is because I allowed myself to accept the excitement and what followed through acting out that I always felt guilt and shame and horrible afterwards. As a result of those feelings I joined RN in desperation to never feel like that again. I felt like I wanted to capture that in a sentence to have it clear in my mind and I came up with the following:

"If you ever doubt the lies of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"

For me this will serve as a helpful reminder and in order to keep it fresh in my mind I have added it as a signature to all my posts so that I won't lose sight of it.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:07 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
If I ignore the sex side of things (or rather lack thereof!) then I would say that life at home is pretty much where I want it to be at the moment, my wife and I seem relaxed and happy and close which is nice. For me, the only missing piece of the jigsaw now is sex which is somewhat scarce and almost without exception is instigated by me. With our busy lives, our routine is that we are knackered by the time we head up to bed at night, I leave for work before she wakes up in the morning which leaves weekends. Our son plays football on Saturday mornings so we need to be up and out quite quickly which then leaves Sunday mornings. On the one hand that is great that there is an opportunity but on the other there is a whole load of pressure being applied to that one morning each week. I will usually try and instigate but when I am rejected I really struggle with it, probably because that means another wait of a week before the next attempt. In my mind I have worked really hard to get my head in the right place and now that it is there I am frustrated that the healthy option of having sex with my wife is denied. I know I should have no expectation of it but I am nonetheless frustrated.

The solution is clearly to have an honest conversation with my wife about it which I planned to do last night but I know that when the subject is raised it will create a sudden massive tension. We had had a really nice weekend and it would suddenly turn sour. This should be something I should be able to talk to my wife about and I had the whole script ready in my head but it just didn't feel right raising it that way and it felt like (as she usually makes me feel in those circumstances) that I am being selfish and thinking of myself and not about what she has to cope with and that she is usually exhausted, she won't want something else to have to worry about. I have reflected on this quite a lot over the last few months and have come to realise that she has pretty much perfected a way of nearly always getting her own way on things. To be fair we tend to see most things the same way and where our views on something (e.g. buying something for the house) differ then I am fairly relaxed about it and she will usually go ahead anyway which is fine. That then leaves instances where we disagree but both feel strongly about our own view. I have come to realise that in those situations she will be nice to start with until she realises I don't agree and won't back down and then she will make the situation really uncomfortable unless/until I concede. So the conversation about sex will go that way and if it is something I am looking to change then she will create huge tension and then cut the conversation off in a "I've got too much going on in my head trying to run this house without having to worry about that too" sort of way. On the one hand I don't want to bring her more stress but on the other it closes the conversation down with a clear warning that it is not wanted. If I don't raise it again then she has her way again by virtue of the fact that what is currently the situation is left unchanged. It is actually quite a clever technique when you think about it. If I agree with everything then my life is straight forward but if I don't then I need to expect a rocky road on occasions.

So, to raise it and get somewhere is really difficult and I feel like I need to approach it in the right way where we are able to get to a place where she understands how I feel and that we reach a conclusion that works for both of us. I then find I overthink it and when I overprepare what I am going to say it usually doesn't go to plan and ends in a mess as it did the other week when I approached it another way. I am grappling with how to bring it up and how to say it which gives the best chance of it being aired and considered without anyone needing to lose their tempers. The thing I do know is that I can't leave it unsaid, it just needs to come out but in a non-threatening way and also where it doesn't look like I am perfect and she is in the wrong and it's all her fault as that isn't the case. I am aiming to try and raise it as an issue which we both need to think about and work on to get to a solution that does work for both of us. That's tricky. This morning I contemplated emailing it to her as I could take time to properly construct the whole argument so she reads it all before getting irritated and then I laughed at the prospect of communicating something so sensitive by email!! So it probably more about what to say and how to say it which is what I am giving thought to now. I think my next life might be easier if I came back as a monk. :)

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 4:10 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
When I was in my late teens I suffered panic attacks and it stopped me wanting to expose myself to situations where there were rooms full of people. In particular this prevented me wanting to date girls as my biggest fear was going into a pub or restaurant with them and then getting panicky and throwing up in front of them. It took me until my mid-twenties to overcome this but it stopped me from doing a lot of things that my friends and peers were doing at that age in terms of dating, having sex and so on. When I was 18 I used to go to karate classes and got to an advanced level. There was a girl in my class that was 23 and she had just finished university. When we needed to pair up with someone to spar with or go through moves we always ended up together. She was short but slim, very pretty and had huge natural breasts. I fantasised about her a lot but felt that she would view me as too young as she had just finished uni and I was of the age to go. On a couple of occasions she asked me if wanted to come out for a drink with a group of others from the class after it finished on a Friday evening but I always gave an excuse why I couldn't make it. My biggest fear was to go out, get panicky and then throw up in front of her. Deep down I knew she liked me and that I was putting excuses in the way of having a chance with her.

For some reason she randomly popped into my head yesterday and I thought back to it with new eyes and clearly she was giving me the hint that she liked me and I am fairly sure now that I would have been able to go out with her and end up in bed with her. My instinctive reaction when I think of it is a bit of a gut wrench that I missed an opportunity which makes me want to kick myself. When I was in my mid to late twenties I moved to work in London, I had overcome the panic attacks and women suddenly found me attractive. I bedded every girl in our office that I fancied. I know looking back now that I was trying to prove to myself that I was as good as my mates were when we were 18 and was doing my best to make up for lost time. The problem is that I loved the excitement of it all and that was my fix that made me SA. After 25 years of chasing that fix it had become very engrained in me.

So I find it interesting looking back on this sort of thing at the moment as I analyse myself and my life through the recovery process. A mature mind would look back on my panic attack phase as unfortunate but it was just one of those things. If I did miss out on anything during those years then I certainly made up for it in my late twenties. When the time comes to walk up to the pearly gates and if there is some sort of declaration of sexual activity required before entry by the new batch of arrivals, I am fairly sure that my experiences over 50 years will trump most people. So if I ever needed to prove to myself that I didn't miss out overall on experiences in my lifetime then I can have little doubt on that front. But to be honest, no quantity of sexual experiences in my late twenties would make up for my teens, life doesn't work like that. I just need to accept now that that happened and to get on with life. I also need to accept that whilst my introduction to sex occurred several years later than most, I still went through it and then some. No amount of feeling resentment for anything or regretting decisions you have made will any difference to what actually happened so I must accept it, learn from it and then move on.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 3:12 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
In my post yesterday I talked about a girl that I missed the opportunity of going out with when I was 18 and had regretted it. Another missed opportunity came to mind from when I was around 14. There was a girl I liked at school who was in to me and wanted to go out with me but I was worried about what the other boys would say as girls were not cool at that time. Just before Christmas we were all in our form room during the lunch break stood around in a group and I was leaning my back up against the classroom wall. She walked over to me and asked quite loudly if she was able to collect her Christmas kiss from me. She moved in towards me and put her hands out to put her arms around me and as she got close I smiled but gently pushed her away. I don't think she expected me to kiss her actually. She then came back in for a second time and I more gently eased her away. In my head I instantly decided that if she came back in for a third time then I would kiss her and actually I was hoping that she would. But she didn't, she turned around and walked off.

From time to time during my life I have thought back to that moment. It's a bit like the film Sliding Doors when Gwyneth Paltrow runs to a tube and the story splits where in the first place the doors close before she can get in and the second where she gets in and there are two parallel stories of how her path goes in a different direction turned on that one moment at the tube doors. Part of me wonders if that missed Christmas kiss moment might have taken me in a different direction. I suspect I would have started to go out with this girl and my life could have gone down a different road. For a moment my curiosity is intrigued by where I would have gone and whether I would have avoided all of the SA stuff because of me avoiding things that actually happened to me down the line. But then I remembered that had I not come down the road I did then I wouldn't have met my wife and had my son and I wouldn't swap that for anything. So, a bit like yesterday, I need to keep in mind that I may have made some decisions during my life that I shouldn't have and many of them have caused a considerable amount of pain to others but no amount of regret now will change any of that. I can't change what has happened but I can be a good person now and that is where my focus needs to be.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 2:25 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
I posted the following action plan previously:

learningtorun wrote:

Ritual No. 2 - Noticing women in the apartment blocks overlooked by our offices where they may be in a state of undress.

Action Plan
Recognise that I am looking at the apartment windows and have noticed the bedroom lights on and am being tempted to look for activity inside
Immediately remind myself that I am disrespecting the women that may be inside by doing this and therefore violating their, my and my wife's values
Remind myself by not immediately stopping could result in me acting out which will leave me feeling awful afterwards
Distract myself by looking away and doing something else
Remind myself that any urges are emotional responses whose signals are not how I make my decisions
Remind myself that any feelings of discomfort will soon pass and will be replaced by a good feeling that I had made a values based decision


Whilst it is a continual process of going through the learning of the lessons again and again to start to engrain them in my mind, I genuinely feel like I am going to be OK in most areas which previously led me to act out. I need to be ready to react to any given situation but I have a further layer wrapped around that which is probably helpful in that for the "bigger stuff" (e.g. affairs, inappropriate emails, etc). I am of an age now that women are unlikely to be approaching or targeting me. I had that in my twenties but it is unlikely to happen now unless I initiate it and my action plans tackle that side. My head still seems to distinguish though between the "bigger stuff" and the "smaller stuff" (i.e. looking at a woman discretely and briefly picturing her naked without her knowing is surely a lot better than having an affair with someone, right?) The reality is that you can't get a little bit pregnant. Either emotions are used to make decisions or they are not. I have mentioned before that I have apartment blocks immediately outside my office and my window looks straight into some women's bedrooms. It is very much in your face which on the one hand is like have a red rag of temptation waved at you constantly but on the other perhaps should be viewed as an continual opportunity to reinforce my values by showing that I don't need to look. There is no distinction between bigger and smaller stuff and I have to recognise that. In many ways I am so nearly there with having my head in the right place with all of this but this last bit needs to be conquered. I can not leave any small flickers of hope to fuel possible urges by having some "small" areas where I allow my emotions to make my decisions. I am conscious of this now and therefore I need to act on it now. By re-posting this action plan it will help my attention being drawn to it to help me process it fully.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:31 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3534
Location: UK
Hi L2R
Quote:
If I ignore the sex side of things (or rather lack thereof!) then I would say that life at home is pretty much where I want it to be at the moment, my wife and I seem relaxed and happy and close which is nice. For me, the only missing piece of the jigsaw now is sex which is somewhat scarce


In most marital or equivalent relationships sex is important but nowhere near as important as intimacy
you say that you are frustrated but this is simply an emotion and remember that all emotions are finite and cyclic, not making love will not hurt

to add humour
before you learn to run you need to walk :s: :s: :s: :s:

she is learning about this new you,you are learning about this new you, you both have changed , the relationship has changed and will continue to do so

love her, appreciate her, protect her

Quote:
you can't get a little bit pregnant. Either emotions are used to make decisions or they are not.


we know that you are on the right path, dont let sex , healthy or otherwise , get in your way forwards

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:52 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
I have avoided bringing up the topic of sex with my wife for the last 2 weeks and have not been able to put my finger on why, I just didn't feel right about saying it. Your comments Kenzo are both timely and insightful thank you. There is indeed a lot of change which we both need to get used to and when it settles hopefully everything will settle down and fall into place.

You mentioned:

Kenzo wrote:
you say that you are frustrated but this is simply an emotion and remember that all emotions are finite and cyclic, not making love will not hurt


Why didn't I notice that frustration is an emotional response? At times I don't think I can see the wood for the trees, I am so fixated on emotional responses in the context of urges that it completely passed me by that my frustration is an emotional response to not getting my own way. And you are absolutely correct, now I recognise it as an emotional response in the same way as an urge I can appreciate that there is no pain involved so can be effectively managed. Thank you again for your comments which is exactly what I needed to get some things clear in my mind as we head into the weekend.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:36 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 171
I set off into the weekend full of positive thoughts. Saturday was great and relaxing. Sunday then came along, and, as usual, represents the "will we or won't we" weekly fork in the road. One part of my brain was reminding myself that I should not be putting pressure on our relationship by having an expectation of sex and the other part of me was getting wound up in anticipation of it not happening yet again. My wife woke up and said that she had to get up and with that got out of bed and opened the curtains. I instantly went into a bad mood and felt rubbish. We went down for breakfast and I started to talk myself out of it and tried to have some more positive thoughts about it all and reminded myself to be more patient. As we were all sat having breakfast I anticipated my son's homework which was to follow breakfast and I scribbled down a brief layout of what I thought this should look like so we had somewhere to start with. My wife spotted it and then asked why I had done that as it as he needed to decide for himself how it should look. She may or may not have had a point but the way it was said was so attacking and reinforces that she is always right and there is only one way to do anything which I find really irritating. So having partially calmed down having come down for breakfast I was suddenly really annoyed and it put me into a bad mood for most of the rest of the day.

Now it's Monday and I have a clearer view of things part of me doesn't want to post this to my thread as I don't want to look like I ignored my own commitment on Friday for being more positive and accepting for the weekend. But this thread is here to be honest and work through problems when they come up. I have also noticed urges throwing themselves at me today which is obviously because I have not been in the best state of mind. Reflecting back on everything, two things occur to me. Firstly, it was a double whammy with the sex deferral and the homework attack which I wasn't ready for - I was potentially able to managed one of the other but not both one after the other. Secondly, and somewhat stupidly, whilst I had stated on Friday that I should be more accepting I hadn't tried to visualise the situation of waking up and my wife just getting up and going downstairs so that I would be ready for it when it happened. Looking back, it happened almost exactly as I could picture so I could have been ready for it if I had put some effort into preparing myself for it. I really have to learn the hard way at times and that annoys me but at least I have learned another valuable lesson. So, for next week, I need to visualise it happening the way that it did this week and to be ready for it. If it takes a different path then that's a good thing and I don't need to prepare myself for that but I do need to prepare myself for further deferral. I have put something into my weekly plan for this which I review every Friday so I am ready for it next time around.

_________________
L2R

"If you ever doubt the lie of excitement that anticipates an urge and wonder if it will be worth it, remember that there is a very good reason that you joined Recovery Nation"


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 143 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group