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PostPosted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 12:30 pm 
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Kenzo wrote:
Hello
Quote:
I recently had a large relapse which led to a 2 day bender of pure binging on porn and masturbation. Before I relapsed I tried to call on my values, but I couldn't remember what they all were, and the ones I could remember just didn't seem to matter at that time.


you now need to learn from this experience
analyse how you felt before during and after this event
how you feel now

dont be too hard on yourself but dont simply brush it off either
learn from your mistakes and ensure that they are not repeated


Thanks Kenzo, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I feel like I've been making the same blunders for 5yrs


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:58 am 
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Lesson 13

(i)
Experiencing extremely negative emotions- just this past week I have felt extreme levels of desperation, hopelessness and depression. I kept considering the past and how better I would have been if I hadn’t done certain things or relapsed so often. I felt depressed that my life was marred with social anxiety and a lack of friends and social opportunities. I felt frustration and a hopelessness that I would be stuck in a constant pattern of ‘recovery’ and the relapse and complete reset.
Seeking understanding of my behaviours- I often search for posts from people who are in similar positions to me and see what they did to get out of the problem. I feel this is a fairly healthy behaviour, as I recognise the problem I have and want to do something about it. Often though I might read and read these posts and then not take any action. This in itself may sometimes lead to frustration, as I confuse myself with a lot of information and no clear answers.
I don’t have an S.O, but I often feel like my behaviour could be seen as needy and pathetic. I will get very strung up on a girl very easily and will overreact to every little thing they do. This can lead to stress and frustration. I will often mope about in the early stages as well, thinking about how far I have to go to recover.
Focussing on creating new patterns- I have been making a more concerted effort to create new behavioural patterns rather than just controlling my old, destructive ones. Just yesterday when I was feeling extremely low, my mind wanted me to just go straight home from work when the opportunity presented itself. My desire to grow stronger and get in a good routine overpowered this old desire though.
I have looked at parts of my life where pornography was associated with it and done my best to remove myself from them as much as I can. I still have accounts on Facebook and Instagram, but I try not to use them for pointless browsing when I am bored. I have however, removed certain friends from my life, drinking alcohol and watching certain programmes.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:41 am 
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Lesson 14

Daily Monitoring List

1). Did I make an effort to speak when I wanted to?
2). Did I treat myself as a valuable person today?
3). Did I partake in any compulsive behaviour today?
a) If yes, was i aware of what i was doing?
b) Did I create a break in the ritual?
c) If no, did I roleplay a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage my life?
4). Did I stick to my lifeplan schedule?
5). Was I honest in all my interactions?
6). Did I pray to God thanking Him for something this day?
7). Did I derive meaning from nurturing my creativity?
8). Did I make decisions and stick to them?
9). Did I do something good for someone today?
10). Was I aware of my emotions and did I handle them in a healthy manner?


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:53 am 
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Lesson 15

Over the past several week I've been using this workshop I have tried to make each day count. I feel like I know what is really important to me now and so I have a self improvement schedule worked out which I try to follow as much as possible. This has been helpful, as I feel more in touch with my goals, so when I am feeling lazy I can remind myself that I won't master any of these skills by lying in my bed or hiding from the challenge.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:17 pm 
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Lesson 16

Never thought I'd be doing anything like this, but here goes...

My fantasies helped me to be able to enjoy positive accomplishments in my life. They were comforting and I could never fail in them- I was almost able to see a life where I was the best I could be and what that should look like.

Porn was exciting, there was always something new and it could help me forget my worries for a short time.

Masturbation was also comforting, it put me at peace whilst I was doing it and could just put the worries of the day away for a short time.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 20, 2018 11:33 am 
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Lesson 17

I'll identify 2 compulsive rituals, with the first being:

Watching Porn
Sensory- I like to find the most beautiful women that I would love to be with, or women that match one of my fetishes i.e. red heads, black women, tall women, goths, curvy etc. I can spend hours looking for the 'perfect' girl
High quality porn is also extremely stimulating as it feels more realistic

Fantasy- sometimes I like to imagine one of the girls is someone I know or if I have been rejected by a girl, I can pretend they are women as a whole

Danger- I find added excitement by watching porn when others are at home, as there is the wariness in the back of my mind that I could be caught. It isn't a focus for watching porn, but the fact I could be caught slightly increases the excitement.

Suspense- a lot of the time when I am building myself up to watching porn I will click on random websites/videos/articles that might lead to landing on a triggering picture or video. The suspense of what I might find by following this dangerous trail is stimulating and very much a part of the excitement

Past- I tend to focus on the past a lot and reminisce about good times or beat myself up over past mistakes. When this happens it can lead to melancholy and depression, I will often use this to convince myself that anything I do now is hopeless and that I am doomed to fail. I convince myself that either watching porn just once will help me get out of this mood or that it just doesn't matter at all anymore

Orgasm- the main one, the whole process of watching the porn is to find the perfect video/scenario/girl that will allow me to have the perfect orgasm. I like to be able to work for the orgasm and stimulate myself with as many different genres of porn as I can watch so that the orgasm feels like something I worked for or to match my orgasm with that of the people in the video.

Masturbation
Sensory- I love the whole feeling of my erection gradually growing and then springing forth, the action of masturbating. Sometimes I will use oils to make it even more stimulating

Danger- the danger of it can be quite stimulating once I begin masturbating, as it is harder to conceal than just watching the porn by itself

Past- I can use the action of masturbation to comfort myself when frustration or sadness from the past arises

Fantasy- I don't do it as often now, but sometimes I used to like just lying in bed and thinking about a certain girl I knew naked or performing sexual acts


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 2:39 pm 
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Lesson 18

Jerry
Orgasm- Jerry needs to wait for the perfect moment to ejaculate, he has pinpointed that the best time to reach the best orgasm is the few seconds when the victim opens the envelope

Sensory- the sight of the woman and her reaction to the pictures is part of the pleasure he experiences

Danger- there is the danger of doing something illegal from the whole ritual of taking note of the woman address/car, masturbating in the changing room and then waiting within sight of the woman as she opens up the envelope that adds to the pleasure of his experience

Suspense- Jerry can wait for hours to get the chance he needs to catch the reaction of the woman as she opens the envelope

Accomplishment- there is a sense of accomplishment for Jerry if he manages to reach orgasm at the perfect moment, as it is something he has carefully planned and then waited for over a long period of time

Fantasy- he likes to fantasise over the reaction of the woman whilst he waits, this adds to the excitement and mystery of waiting to find out how she will actually react

Stephanie
Orgasm- finding new ways which included her pets to reach the orgasm and later on to bring the pets to orgasm (filtered through time, as she could eventually take longer to reach climax thru the cats licks and thru habituation, as she eventually needed news ways to reach orgasm and thru intensity, as she needed more and more extreme ways to reach orgasm)

Sensory- the sight of the pets whilst she masturbated was enough at first, then it became touch as she orchestrated a way to reach orgasm thru the cat licking

Danger- the danger that something could go wrong, that she might contract something or that she might be caught

Suspense- the suspense of whether the cat would lick the milk from her vagina, whether the dog could become erect

Accomplishment- being able to reach climax from planning on how to use her pets, the accomplishment of masturbating her animals to completion

Power- the power of being able to use something else for her pleasure

Past- being able to move on from her victimisation and gain pleasure from non-conventional means, being able to have power over something else

Fantasy- the fantasy that her pets loved her like no human could

When Filters Are Used in my Own Rituals

Time: When I am going thru the process of watching porn and masturbating, the perfect session for me is when I have enough time to watch enough videos and genres and then finding that perfect video to ejaculate to. If I ejaculate too early it is disappointing and doesn't feel as 'fulfilling'. If that happens then I will often make sure I get a few more sessions in before the day ends. If I masturbate about 4 or 5 times in a few hours then I will often be so sexually exhausted by the last session that I will be able to last longer and watch even more videos before I orgasm.

Habituation: Saturation played a large part in my addiction, as I would find myself spending hours looking for weirder and more dangerous videos as the went by. Videos that at once shocked and left me guilty now became normal and just left me numb afterwards.

Intensity: The type of videos I watched became more intense and violent


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:36 am 
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Lesson 20: Mastering My Addiction

My sexual addiction seems to be a long and complicated one.

I had an interest in girls from a very young age, maybe from as early as 3 or 4 when I found girls attractive. One of my earliest memories was competing with one of my friends to get one of the girls to be our girlfriend.

From about 5 years old I was already excited by girls bodies; in class I would sometimes try to peak down girls tops or pull their trousers down a bit if I was at behind them. At home I would often fantasise about the girls, I wasn't particularly fussy and could find myself attracted to most of them. From about 6 or 7 I started to find my teachers attractive and would often fantasise about them, even older women in their mid 4o's or 50's. I would look forward to going to sleep that night so I could fantasise about them when I went to bed.

Due to my religion and wanting to save sex for marriage, I never actually attempted ask any girls out or do anything with them, I was content waiting till I hit 16 before I tried anything with girls. Maybe for this reason I managed to be fairly popular in my school years and often had girls telling me they were in to me. I would fantasise about being with these girls, but I never had the desire to actually do anything about it- I was able to reject girls advances without much regret. Outside of school though, I was very quiet and shy around others. I was very happy with my own company and never wanted to make any new friends outside of school.

When I started high school I still found myself fantasising about girls, of course, as I got older I stopped doing things like pulling down girls trousers/skirts anymore, but I still enjoyed fantasising a lot about girls. In my first year I struggled to make new friends, I had my core group of friends and made a few more, but I just found it hard opening up to new people. I still found myself getting a lot of interest from girls however. At age 13 we got a modern PC in the house with internet and I soon stumbled across some pornographic artwork on one of my comicbook websites. I was immediately intrigued and excited by this discovery; I would often spend afternoons browsing the website and 'accidentally' landing on the posters section and finding more of such pictures. I soon stumbled across more sexual videos on Youtube, really strange ones like huge-breasted Japanese women stripping. I never masturbated to these videos, the truth was that I didn't know how to, I would just become erect and maybe play with the foreskin a little. I found the videos exciting.

It wasn't long after this however that my dad caught me watching one of these videos and I was banned from using the internet whilst alone. I ended up not watching porn again for over a year from the end of age 13 till the time I was 15. At age 13 I was one of the most popular people in my year group and I became very extroverted within school, but still very introverted outside of it. From the age of 14 tho, it all went downhill, I became miserable and quite anti social- I thought it was cool to be aloof and serious, but I lost the popularity I had before and ended up hating going to school. I had completely forgotten about porn at this point, I had no opportunity to watch it and just forgot about it completely. At this age one of my friends showed me my first porn video on his phone, it was pretty graphic at the time, I had never seen a vagina before and I was disgusted and yet excited by the video. I got my friend to send me the video and I would watch it now and again till the point where it no longer disgusted me. I felt ashamed watching this video tho and soon deleted it. the only time I would then come into pornographic content was when I would search for pictures of models on my phone which I would do occasionally when bored. At this time I had very little social life outside of school. I would play a lot of video games and read books most of the time in my spare time. When seeing family I was very quiet and would be very shy when meeting new people. I didn't enjoy the prospect of meeting new people at all and would try my best to avoid the situation as much as possible.

At age 15 I found my first proper porn website using my Nintendo Wii browser and would frequently come home from school and start browsing the website for videos. I had a narrow window of time where I would be at home by myself where I could watch as many videos as I could. It wasn't long before I landed on some of the weirder categories out there and would watch a lot of groping videos. Any time the prospect of being left at home arose I would get a tingling in the pit of my stomach in excitement, this was the beginning of suspense and would bring me a lot of excitement and joy. It was a similar sensation to knowing a delivery or present was going to arrive. I would often feel guilty after watching the videos and tried to stop watching them at multiple times, but just couldn't do it.

During this time my popularity at school began to pick up again and by age 16 I was back to my old peak levels. I was very popular, was the joker of the class and had a lot of girls interested in me. I had finally reached age 16 and so started to become more interested in building relationships with the girls. I began to talk to them on Facebook a lot and over the summer I became very interested in a girl. We would message each other a lot and I looked forward to going back to school in the autumn so that I could finally ask her out. During this time, me and my friends joined with a large social group of girls- I was very poor at interacting with them and was very shy.

When I got back to school during age 17 I tried to meet up with this girl a few times, but it didn't work out. One of her friends ended up telling me that she wasn't interested in me. I became very angry, especially when I found out she was seeing some other guy instead. I was jealous and mad and said some awful things about the girl. Her and her friends came after me and I reacted by going into hiding. It completely broke my confidence- I had felt almost untouchable up to that point. I started to overthink things, I lost my easy nature with people and didn't seem to have the same respect as before. Somewhere between age 17 and 18 I discovered masturbation. That first session that led to ejaculation led to one of the most exhilarating sensations in my life and I soon became addicted. I would come home from every day at school and masturbate to striptease videos on the computer, I never really thought of using my phone for videos and so I stuck with software videos. Once I started watching porn on my phone the videos became more and more intense and I began watching more violent videos very quickly. By age 19 I was completely dependant on porn, my life was a mess, I seemed to have lost all my intelligence, my grades dropped, my sense of humour went and I had no motivation to do anything other than watch porn, masturbate and watch anime videos on Youtube. I failed my last year of A levels and had to go to college where my shyness evolved into social anxiety- I just couldn't speak to anyone. Somehow I managed to join with a group of girls mainly through my good looks, but I just couldn't talk to them. I was paralysed with fear and would spend the whole day at college barely saying anything. I had hit rock bottom and the porn videos became more and more intense. I also started to like the sense of danger by experiemting with running around outside naked when it was dark and some anal masturbation even though I wasn’t gay. I would often watch porn or masturbate after any negative emotion, to avoid something, kill time and escape boredom or even just for the sake of it.

The videos had become so repulsive to my standards that I would feel very guilty and saddened after watching them, I became obsessed with searching for ways to stop watching porn and masturbating but nothing seemed to work. I soon found the NoFap website and many examples of people who were in a similar situation to me and I found some hope again. I started to realise what my addiction was doing to my life and by the start of 2013 I had managed to string together a few days free of porn for the first time in a long time. My confidence seemed to rocket up astronomically compared to where I was before. I could actually hold conversations with my college friends now although I was still very socially anxious. I was still majorly addicted as well and couldn’t last longer than a couple of days without porn. Any longer and I would start feeling very irritable. I became very desperate with girls and just couldn’t get anywhere with those I was interested in.

I started university that year and I managed to keep myself off porn for about 2 weeks. I was still very shy, but my confidence had increased a lot compared to where I was the year before. I felt like now was my chance to get with girls whilst I was away from home, but I struggled to get anywhere. I was so scared of rejection that I would usually just fantasise about asking them out, making love etc. I had my first chance to get laid with one of my roommates that year, but I was too scared to close the deal.

I continued to battle with my porn addiction over the next few years and the habituation led to me watching even worse videos. I felt so guilty after watching them, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I could be free for a few weeks and have the best time of my life and then I would let something knock me or for complacency to set in and I would soon find myself compulsively watching it again. Nowadays I tend to resort to my old habits when stress, rejection, depression or boredom affect me. My confidence has increased leaps and bounds since I was 19, but I am still very shy.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:59 am 
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Lesson 20 Part II

Things that could lead to my compulsive behaviour returning in the future:
-Large events shaking up my life i.e. new job, moving out
-Family getting married or moving out, could lead to added loneliness
-Reaching my 30’s- could feel unfulfilled if I haven’t got to where I envisioned myself to be by then and could resort to old habits.
I could go back to watching porn habitually and masturbating; seeing it as my chance to catch up on new videos that I missed out on. I could go back to my old ways and stop trying socially, being anti social and secluding myself from others. I would probably feel very comfortable doing so. There would be comfort in avoiding my fears and giving in to laziness/defeat. I might even be able to fool myself for a while that my addiction plays little part in affecting my life, but eventually I would spiral down to rock bottom again. Any sign of me returning to my compulsive behaviour would be using an artificial stimulus to manage my emotions. I wouldn’t masturbate without first watching porn and so if I find myself needing to look at any images to bring about a good mood I would know that I am returning to my old ways in doing so. In this way I would try to work out why i am feeling like this and how else I could deal with my emotions in a positive and healthy way.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:03 pm 
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Lesson 21

[A] I set myself the goal of getting over my social anxiety a few years ago and I failed. I tried many different challenges to overcome my fears, but each effort would eventually be derailed by a relapse and a subsequent lack of motivation and confidence/belief in myself. I failed because I didn't have stability in my life

B I managed to complete my university degree with a high grade despite a lot of self-doubts about my intelligence level and ability to complete exams with my addiction still weighing me down. I succeeded because I was able to organise myself so that I could study effectively and also because I was able to make progress in recovering from my addiction.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 12:56 pm 
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Relapsed last night. Came home and went to bed and I don' know what happened; I had a bit of alcohol which lowered my inhibitions and I just felt so horny, I immediately went for my phone and started browsing provocative images which led to a full blown relapse. I lost control big time and didn't remain aware of my compulsive behaviour. It wasn't really an emotional response, I felt pretty normal, it felt like more like faulty brain chemistry that set me off. I planned to shrug it off and go to sleep , but I was wracked with stomach pains and felt so cold all of a sudden I was shivering. I couldn't hold on and binged 5 more times over the span of about 16 hours. I just feel pretty defeated right now, I'm finding it hard to remain motivated.

Things that let me down on this latest attempt:
- Didn't take my daily monitoring and values seriously over past few weeks; I think I swapped and changed what I was working on too often and made them too difficult to accomplish, leading to lower motivation to accomplish them
- Fantasised a lot and didn't make an effort to stop; I didn't see it as a serious problem compared to watching porn and masturbating, but remaining in an aroused state so much affected my mind I think. I had a lot of dirty thoughts running through my mind recently and was also having a lot of dreams about watching porn. The 2 are probably linked
- Browsed social media too much, most of the time I stopped myself when I realised it was compulsive behaviour which served no purpose, but other times I continued regardless
- Lost focus on goals, was lazy recently not doing my shopping, getting up late, coming home and not doing anything productive

Apart from that, over the past few weeks I stuck with my goals very well I think. I made good progress with my music, really started to try connecting with people and being more sociable. The daily monitoring was really helping when I treated it seriously. I feel really bad now, but it will get better again. I'm considering talking to someone about my addiction again, but I tried doing that before and I just couldn't be honest enough with the person to take advantage of that route. I'm trying to be more honest now with it being one of my main values, so maybe I can make it work this time who knows. I just feel pretty lost right now


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 8:26 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3591
Location: UK
Hello RG


Quote:
Relapsed last night


WHY

Quote:
Things that let me down on this latest attempt:



latest attempt?????????????
come on that term suggests its OK and we both know its not
yes slips and even relapse happens but that does not mean that they are acceptable

you know why you has stated some reasons below
you could say that you made a mistake but I would prefer if you said that you totally screwed up

Quote:
- Didn't take my daily monitoring and values seriously
- Fantasised a lot and didn't make an effort to stop;
- Browsed social media too much,
- Lost focus on goals,




Quote:
Apart from that,
well is OK????????????

Quote:
I just feel pretty lost right now
so its not OK, hence there is a lesson to be learned, learn it and live it

OK bollocking over


Quote:
I'm finding it hard to remain motivated.


This happens but we need to get re motivated, do you want to end up where I was when I hit my rock bottom, I know that you dont so pick yourself up

get back to monitoring
dont beat yourself up
but dont give yourself the opportunity to make and then accept excuses
re visit lessons 2 and 3
decide what you want and accept that to achieve this you need to sacrifice you compulsive and hence addictive actions and traits

kick start your journey and remember where you want to be
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 4:49 pm 
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Kenzo wrote:
Hello RG..........



Thanks for that Kenzo, kinda needed some tough words there. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I was thinking that my addiction is this big demon inside of me again. That it's something unseen and unpredictable, but I know it's not- if these lessons have taught me anything it is that this addiction is a coping mechanism gone wrong, it's the crutch I refuse to throw down, because I am too afraid to stand on my own two feet.

I became complacent recently, my life was starting to feel really good and I couldn't see a reason why I would ever go back to my old destructive ways. That's where I was wrong; I don't always need a logical reason to go back, sometimes just the right combination of things and the old filter time to set me up. In this case it was a free house, alcohol and a weekend free of obligations which gave me the time to do this.

My lesson learned is:
- Don't become complacent, read the warning signs~ I was aware of the compulsive behaviours I was using such as fantasising and procrastinating, but I didn't take them seriously
- Focus on a few values until you have mastered them~ I had begun to spread myself too thin, every 2 weeks I was completely resetting my monitoring goals and they weren't always realistic
- Don't browse potentially dangerous sites without a goal in mind
- Stop comparing yourself to others~ I had gone out that evening and everyone was talking about their holidays and their experiences and I felt jealous and so far away from ever doing what they do

End of Lesson 21:
C I want to finish the recovery workshop by May 17th 2018. That means I have 17 weeks to complete this goal if I do 3 workshops every week. I will do 2 exercises each weekend and 1 midweek, this will also stop me going on autopilot with my recovery. Every Sunday I will review the week and then plan when is a good time to fit in my workshop activities for that week.

Lesson 22

Ritual: Masturbation

Elements Involved: Sensory (Touch), Fantasy, Orgasm

Values Assigned:
Sensory (Touch)~ 3
Fantasy~ 2
Orgasm~ 3

Filters Applied:
Sensory (Touch):
* Time- the longer the time I spend masturbating increases the excitement of the habit and of the eventual orgasm if I feel I have had to work for it. However, if too much time is spent masturbating or not enough time then this can decrease the pleasure - 8
*Intensity- not many different ways to masturbate that will increase pleasure - 1
*Habituation- doesn't play a part - 1

Fantasy:
*Time- if I can spend longer fantasising about the people in the videos then this will increase the pleasure gained - 9
*Intensity- can only really fantasise for short periods of time - 3
*Habituation- can become boring if I am unable to find new material or interesting, realistic videos

Orgasm:
*Time- the longer I am able to go without orgasming increases the pleasure as the tension builds up - 10
*Intensity- being able to combine the perfect video, spending the right amount of time and orgasming at the peak is very sought after - 10
*Habituation- the orgasm can feel more meaningless and dull if I don't meet previously mentioned criteria 4


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:56 pm 
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Lesson 23

Being able to measure my compulsive rituals will allow me to breakdown each individual component of the ritual that forms the eventual relapse. It will allow me to understand my actions and emotions; why I am responding in certain ways and also be able to predict where this path will take me if I continue in it. It will give me more chance to break free from the potential relapse, as I will be more aware of what I am doing and be able to think of why I am doing this. This will allow me chance to re-establish my values and also help me to realise that the relapse isn't a foregone conclusion as soon as I enter one part of the ritual. I will have better understanding that the ritual is made up of a whole different amount of elements which lead to an eventual relapse, but that they each play a part and aren't just one big whole. This will give me a better chance of snapping off from the destructive habit if I can begin to break the pattern.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:53 am 
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Lesson 24

1. The elements that make up my sexual compulsion wheel are:
Sensory (sight)
Sensory (touch)
Danger
Suspense
Power (a loss of)
Past
Poly Addiction
Fantasy
Orgasm
Anger
Defeat
Future
Fear

2. My sexual rituals:
Masturbating
- Let images/thoughts play through my mind (sensory/past)
- Get comfortable on bed lying down or sitting up
- Browse phone on social media looking for any pictures of girls
- Search on social media for content
- Follow trail of accounts to more dangerous content
- Undo pants and start lightly touching tip of penis
- Keep clicking on different accounts with riskier content, convincing myself I'm not looking at anything too bad and that I can back out at any time
- Gently start stroking penis
- Eventually open up Youtube and watch strip videos
- Start stroking penis up and down
- Keep searching for perfect video
- Masturbate to orgasm all over myself

*Sensory (touch)- stroking the penis and arousing myself
*Sensory (sight)- the videos I watch adding to the excitement
*Suspense- the suspense of what videos I might find or what pictures I might "stumble" upon
*Power (a loss of)- feeling powerless in my current situation and eventually to the addiction itself
*Orgasm
*Anger- leading to a need to relieve the pressure
*Defeat- similar to a loss of power in which I concede defeat to ever improving my life or some other such defeat
*Future- letting the future overwhelm me and feeling the need to escape it
*Fear- fear of an event leading me to want to escape it by hiding in the present


Watching porn
- Let thoughts play in my mind
- Start browsing for images on social media or Youtube videos
- Start masturbating to the images
- Open up web browser and click on favourite porn site
- Start with fairly tame vides and gradually escalate
- Continue to masturbate
- Time orgasm to perfect moment in the video

*Fantasy
*Sensory (sight)
*Sensory (touch)
*Suspense
*Orgasm

Exposing myself
- Become aroused
- Start touching myself (penis/ass etc.)
- Imagine myself outside naked and people possibly seeing me
- Pull trousers down in front of mirror
- Admire ass and size of penis
- Start stroking penis
- Eventually open door to outside
- Take a few steps outside and run back in
- Go outside further
- Start walking about or crawling in a submissive manner
- Start anally masturbating
- Come back inside and watch porn and masturbate till orgasm


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