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PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:37 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
Your first step in redeveloping healthy sexual values is to brainstorm a list of all sexually-related values that you currently hold. Don't worry about how socially acceptable this list may be, nor concern yourself with whether a particular value is healthy or unhealthy. Your goal here is only to identify your current thoughts/attitudes relating to your own sexuality.
Some Examples:
Women want to have sex when they are physically attracted to someone
I am insecure about the size of my penis
Sex is my way of showing people I love them
I sometimes wonder if I might be gay
Masturbation is dirty and wrong
Masturbation is a normal, healthy behavior
If my partner isn't satisfying me sexually, I have the right to look elsewhere
Forced sex is okay if the person isn't harmed
I need to make my partner orgasm for sex to be successful
If a romantic partner won't have sex with me, there's something wrong with the relationship
I sometimes have sex when I don't feel like it
I need to orgasm at least once a day to feel normal
Once I am aroused, I must orgasm
There is no age limit with romantic love
Women get excited at the sight of my genitals
Deep down, most women love to be dominated
Love is enough to overcome anything in a relationship
Anal sex is disgusting
I don't like when men touch my breasts
I have a hard time telling my sexual partner that something they are doing is uncomfortable
My sex drive is unusually strong
Sex should be for love, not entertainment
Sex is always wrong outside of marriage
It is okay to fake orgasms
It is my wife's duty to sexually satisfy me
I do not like performing oral sex on my partner
To be effective, your list should have hundreds of statements and should be completed over the course of several days — an hour or two at a time. These statements do not need to be categorized; may possibly conflict with other statements in your list; and do not even need to make sense to anyone but you. There are no right or wrong answers — only a representation of your current sexual beliefs. The only way that you can go 'wrong' is by not putting forth the effort to thoroughly examine your current sexual beliefs. Or, by documenting what you think your beliefs should be, as opposed to what they actually are.


masturbation is a means of relief
masturbation is a means of reward

to be continued


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2018 1:33 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
...after some time away, I'm back.
Ive started to attend Sexaholics Anonymous meetings ...and considering the 12 steps. 'Considering' becuase I con't quite get my head around the christian aspect - having no faith at all... My thoughts are just making a start.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 2:59 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 330
Hi New and welcome back.

Your post resonated with me because I had spent years trying to find a way of accessing support for SA and the only thing that seemed to be available was a 12 steps approach. Like you, I am not a particularly religious person and whilst the fear of God may work for some people I know that it would not work for me. Almost by accident I came across RN and was relieved that there was no religious angle to it. The fact that it was logical in its structure and teaching was also appealing to me. It is obviously up to you to decide whether 12 steps or RN or both will help you with your recovery.

I have had a quick flick through your thread though and up until the point of you stopping last year you seemed to be doing really well and had broken the back of the workshop. I see that there was some changes in your home life then which perhaps caused a distraction but it struck me that RN appeared to be helping you up to that point. Can I please suggest that you re-read your first post from March last year so that you can remind yourself of the mental state you were in back then and your drivers for having joined RN? I sense that you know that RN holds the key for you to recover otherwise why would you have chosen to post yesterday? From personal experience, complacency is our biggest enemy and if we are able to keep the commitment to working through the lessons going then we both know that we can fully recover here if we choose to.

Good luck with the deliberations and I hope that you make the right choice and that I can see you get back on track soon.

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:36 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
thanks for your comments - many changes have occurred sense last posting. I found SA wasn't for me. I couldn't resolve the idea of not taking responsibility for my actions and life - rather than handing over to God/or equivalent.

I'm currently reading Rational Recovery - https://rational.org/index.php?id=1


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2018 5:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
It’s been a while...
my wife and I have just decided (a couple of hours ago) that we’ll separate. I’m hurting quite a bit, for her, my kids and myself. I’ve been dishonest to myself and in turn to her. Tomorrow we met with her parents to let them know what’s been going on - I love them, so this will come as an incredible shock. While I’m utterly horrified for tomorrow- a part of me is comforted that they will support their daughter.

My wife and I have spent 2 years trying to make a go of it (our relationship) I’ve continously let her down - most recently me looking at porn and being dishonest about it... this is the final straw for her. I love her deeply as I know she does me... but we can’t have a relationship without trust. I’m scared ... I’m not sure what the future holds but I do know that I’ll continue to work on my recovery... I can’t live like this (I am not suicidal). I’ve put myself in this situation through the poor decisions I’ve made... now those decisions will be in my face ... no hiding.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2018 10:51 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3685
Location: UK
Hello NF
very sorry to hear about your situation, hoping that your love for each other provides support for each other and of course your children
Separation is traumatic and it can likely be a pivotal point in your journey
The stress, the need to answer to no one except your self, the excuse that you are hurting nobody can easily lead to more and more acting out, manifesting into deeper and darker addiction

Alternatively
It can be that wake up call that stiffens your resolve required for recovery
I tell you that you and you alone can make that choice, please make it wisely

Prove to yourself and perhaps at some point in the future to your wife and family that you are committed and deadly serious with regard to positive change and healthy life, who knows perhaps that could bring about enough trust coupled to that love to give you both a closer and better relationship

Good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 4:37 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
I felt your kind words - thank you CK

Today I met with my parents-in-law and told them of my betrayal - i told them of my addiction; my infidelity, the pornography... my journey through recovery, my failures ... and my intention to get better. I cannot imagine how incredibly tough that was to hear - especially with their daughter sobbing at times uncontrollably beside me... it was painfully confronting. They are remarkable people - they offered support to the both of us. In that moment I was deep in shame - and felt like it was so much more than I deserved.

I understand the pain is a double edged sword - in the past it served as a trigger, something I react to - give myself permission to act out. However sitting in that pain is also where the healing begins - and as you say CK where resolve is strengthened.

Tonight my 11 year old son walked into the middle of a very tearful conversation between my wife and I. He asked if we were going to split up - and we told him that we were... seeing my son breakdown was deeply heartbreaking. I was quick to remind myself that I put him in this situation. Both my wife and I reassured him that we love him (and that wasn’t going to change) and that none of this was his fault. I told him that I was unwell emotionally and that I needed to manage myself better in terms of how I treat other people and myself. He’s familiar with this having been on the end of many situations when I’ve overreacted and been emotionally unbalanced. I told him that I loved his mum and that she deserves to be treated better. Additionally, separating myself from mum will give me time and space to work on being a better man.

Our intention was to tell the kids on Friday so we could spend the weekend together supporting each other. So now with a change in plan we’ll tell my 9 year old daughter tomorrow. My poor wee girl she’ll be heartbroken - fxxk - It’s such a shit situation I’ve made for my family and myself.

Tonight my son asked me to promise that I’ll get better... and I did.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 4:41 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
This morning my wife and I told our daughter(9) of our plans to separate - she was confused and distraught - again it was heartbreaking especially when she gazed directly into my eyes with tear soaked eyes. We all spent the day together comforting each other. She spoke to her friends that come from separated parent families. She spoke to her nana and pops... and then later tonight her best friend - crying down the phone.

My wife let her sisters know about our plans - but no detail of my addiction. I’m glad she’ll have their support.

We have booked Thursday and Friday for couples therapy while the kids stay with their grandparents.

Last night I spent time re-visiting Rational Recovery - https://rational.org/index.php?id=35 - this is a counter to the AA (and SA) model - where you recognise and master your inner addiction voice - removing its power over you. What resonates with me (and contrasts SA)is that I must take responsibility for my life and addiction (I am not powerless!)... this is achieved through a Big Plan - what’s mine? That I will never engage in negative sexual behaviour ever - and I’ll never change my mind... I am owning this.

Now my son is sleeping next to me and my daughter next to my wife.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 1:19 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 276
NF,

Hurting with you as you provide updates on the current season of life that you walk through. Glad you feel RN is a comfortable place to return to in this time of need.
Quote:
I must take responsibility for my life and addiction (I am not powerless!)

Indeed, you have always had, and always will have a choice to act out or act in health. To listen to that voice of emotion management via stimulation or listen to the voice of our values and moral compass? Do not forget,
Quote:
the goal of recovery is NOT to learn to manage your addiction; nor is it even to end your addiction. It is the goal of every healthy recovery to build a values-based foundation that can manage your life with efficiency and fulfillment.

Personally, this was a turning point for me. To realize that by continuing to try and manage/control my addiction, it caused addiction to still have an impact on my present life. When I began to focus instead on managing my life in healthy ways, my recovery truly began.
Regardless, there is no rush, NF. When in a season of change like this, often first steps are to continuing manage your life with the basics until a point of stability: safety, food, water, sleep.

Be Safe and Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 5:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
Thanks Anon - I appreciate your support.

Today I called my dad and told him of my wife and my plans to separate - it was hard to hear my stoic dad cry down the phone. He doesn’t know of my addiction - I’m not sure if I’ll tell him - definitely not over the phone, he’s 84 and lives alone... I could hear his disbelief, then shock in his voice turning to sadness with the thought of his grandkids suffering.

Haven’t slept for a few days - and this is the time when I’m most vulnerable- managing myself will be essential. This will be my immediate priority.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 4:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 64
Tonight is the first night I’ve spent alone in some time... my wife and I have just got back from couples therapy. She’s headed to her parents along with the kids. I am home alone pondering the session we’ve just had. It consolidated what we had already discussed and agreed to.

Our intention is to be kind and respectful to each other - that our kids will be supported by both of us and we’ll be aligned in our parenting - that we’ll be honest to each other> these were our main themes... which I’m sure will grow as time passes. I love her very much - I always have, even in the depth of my addiction. She has always been my rock. Part of me holds onto the thought of being together again - but - not before I spend the time to let things heal and for me to grow. I don’t know if we’ll get back together... but I’ll always love her.

Now I’ll be my own grounding rock - based on strengthening and living my values. I’m incredibly sad that I’ve come to this point and hurt so many people along the way. I accept life is suffering- sometimes the degree of which can be determined by the poor choices we make.

While I’m sad, I’m not hopeless... I feel strangely optimistic. I’m beginning a journey finally that is pointed in the direction of possibilities. I’m 45 year old man, I am half way through my life and if I’m lucky to be here for another 45 years I’m going to be the man I know I can be.

For now I need to concentrate on my sleep.

Good night


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