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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2019 4:59 am 
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Lesson 39 - Step 2: Define an Ideal Ending

Having given this a good deal of thought I have come up with two defining values.

1. I will only engage in sexual behaviour within my marriage.

2. All sexual behaviour will be mutually consensual, and desirable, with my wife.

These are I believe suitable broad, but also clearly defining, though maybe the definitions I’m thinking of aren’t particularly clear.

Firstly ‘sexual behaviour’ means anything with a sexual aspect, from physical sex itself to pornography. And any active behaviour – having a lucky flash of pubic hair on a beach is fine, but hiding amongst the rocks to try to see it is not.

‘Within my marriage’ should be clear enough, but I need to be very clear with myself. Its also expressed in the previous value to not do anything that I am not prepared to discuss with my wife. So in this context, for example, its OK to masturbate, and its OK to masturbate alone, but its not OK to masturbate in secret. In the past I’ve lived a double life, or more, acting out ‘justified’ to myself as harmless or what I deserve, and kept secret from my wife. That has to end, in any form.

I’m clear in my mind what ‘mutually consensual’ means, though possibly hard to explain. I mean making love rather than having sex. I mean if my wife doesn’t fancy sex, or a particular type of sex, then that is totally OK. We can discuss, but any conclusion has to be by consent, by agreement and perhaps gentle persuasion, no threats, however mild, no ‘unless…’, or ‘if you loved me…’. I’m sure its not easy, but I’ve always had a value of ‘no means no’ (though partners haven’t always believed it) and in the kinkier side of things ‘safe, sane and consensual’, though I wonder about the sane sometimes. This is a little more subtle, maybe a utopian view of love, but certainly grounded in total respect for my wife.

I read an interesting post in another recovery thread where the person’s partner wasn’t interested in sex and rather than battle it he decided to become celibate. To set the boundary in his own mind so that he knew he wasn’t expecting it and thus remove any argument or expectation from the situation (if I understood correctly). He was then concerned what to do if sex was requested, but would cross that bridge when he came to it. Perhaps my view is similar, certainly it’s a reset of expectations back forty years to when I got married. It’s a kind of blank page and if cuddles lead to something more then good, but there is no ‘right’ to have any particular activity through marriage. Dreams perhaps, but not expectations.

In summary I suppose I’m saying that whereas I saw love/marriage and sex as two distinct things, or at least sexual activity outside marriage was not a threat to it. As justified in my mind by whatever misguided thinking. I’m now saying that in order to love my wife, to totally respect her, and to build a healthy future, then all sexual activity must be totally within the marriage, its respect, love and bounds. All quite emotional, and even philosophical, not my usual traits. Though in terms of gut instinct, now feeling totally right.

These thoughts are likely to be revised, or at least the wording refined, but I’ll post now as I work through lesson 39 and would welcome any feedback.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2019 4:55 am 
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Lesson 40

I have chosen to step into the shoes of my youngest daughter. As with I expect any Father/daughter we have a special relationship and whilst I’d never choose between her and her sister, her mental strength is more suited to this exercise.

Whilst I don’t know what she knows of my history with acting out, there have been times, some while ago, where comments such as “if you’re ever unfaithful to Mum…” that lead me to think she at least has had reason to wonder. That was at a time of an affair with a co-worker.

More recently she’s expressed sympathy for my relationship with my wife when some comments made “I don’t know how you live with that…” – partly in jest, and not in a sexual context. I’m sure she loves her Mum deeply, is frustrated by some differences of attitude, and in many ways that mirrors my view. I’d say her values would centre around truth, respect and faithfulness, she’s had a rather chequered history with relationships.

How can I help her reinforce her boundaries? Being here for her, setting a good (healthy) example. Not “don’t get caught” as it would have been in the past, but “don’t do anything you don’t want to admit to”. And keep a fatherly eye on her, remember she’ll always be “my little girl” and those I’ve interacted with also had fathers. Not be shy of mentioning something that I feel is outside her values.

So how would I react to being told I’d violated one of her boundaries? In the past it would have been quite simple, denial. You’re mistaken, of course I wouldn’t do that. There have been confidential discussions in the past, not particularly major matters, but I hope she knows that if something is confidential, I would not pass it on, or at worst would say I need to pass it on, and why. Not that I would pass it on without saying, no “I didn’t tell you this.” Similarly, I think she would respect a confidence, but I’d need to explain it. I’d need to say that I’m working at recovery and think it’s a good/bad thing to share, and why. I believe she would respect that.

So today, if the situation were to arise, it would be the case of telling the truth, to discuss any ramifications, and rely upon her to support me as I would support her. In many ways she would be the best person to discuss the whole of recovery and my issues, but I’m not at that stage yet, not least because of the ramifications and the burden it would give her.

Having thought this through, it’s given me a bit more strength for recovery. A clear pointer that whatever the history, being healthy from now on is the right path. A thankyou to RN and the programme for pointing it out.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2019 5:10 am 
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Hello John
Quote:
Having thought this through, it’s given me a bit more strength for recovery. A clear pointer that whatever the history, being healthy from now on is the right path. A thankyou to RN and the programme for pointing it out.


:g: :g: :g:
every step that you take in the right direction is a positive step, recognising the right path is fundemental
taking it is crucial

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:19 am 
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Just to mention I'm away for the next couple of weeks, a good opportunity for Lesson 42 and revising 24-28, but won't be posting here.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 3:35 am 
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Lesson 42

I have been over lessons 24 through 28 and I believe I have a reasonably good grasp of the essential points.

Starting at the ‘bottom’, compulsive behaviour is built up from elements, the individual actions that fall under one or more headings on the wheel. These actions are joined together to form compulsive behaviour rituals, the events that I engaged in. And the rituals can be single or multiple, forming the compulsive chains typical of sexual addiction.

In my case I certainly had compulsive behaviour, rituals that I worked through. Sometimes they formed chains with multiple rituals, and although I wonder how far I was into addiction it was certainly far enough to have ‘knock on’ effects on family and friends. I don’t think the precise definition of addiction is that important, it’s clear in my mind I’d moved from a ‘bit of harmless porn’ to a situation where camgirls in particular, but also escorts, affairs and such, were effecting others and work, finances and so on. Addicted or not, plainly a situation that has to be stopped.

I think the central factor to me, my focus as it were, was masturbation. The desire to have a wank and seek the relief that provided. So there was the case of a simple ritual with porn. Or a more complex chain with porn, camgirl(s), setting up a scene etc. Secondarily there was the though of sex, not ‘getting it’ at home, and a driving force for meeting escorts. This I think less compulsive, but still part of the overall picture. And thirdly, the least compulsive in day-to-day acts, were the affairs. Easy enough now to see the harm they caused, though at the time the positive benefits outweighed the harm, or so it seemed.

Most actions had a point of no return… the camgirl on screen, the escort booked when a ‘thought’ of something to lead to masturbation/sex and the apparent satisfaction, switched to concrete action/time/expense. Some actions/chains ended well enough. Most, with hindsight, with at least some disappointment (not as satisfying as imagined/expected) and/or guilt at time taken, people deceived, money spent. In some ways its hard to fully remember how this played out at the time as my recollections are now somewhat coloured by my greater understanding of the effects of addiction.

I believe I now have a clear idea of the healthy path ahead, of how compulsive sexual behaviour leads away from that, and how to start to focus on the work required to put it behind me.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 8:29 am 
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Hi John
Quote:
I believe I now have a clear idea of the healthy path ahead,
:g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

now you need to follow that path, you know that is the right choice
looking forwards to seeing your progress

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 3:06 am 
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Lessons 43 – 46

I’ve worked through lessons 43 to 46 together, this is the sum of my thoughts, so rather a long post!

Urges – I’ve been calling them triggers, maybe a technical difference, but I see it as that point when something happens, usually an external event, though possibly a random (probably not so random really) thought, or dream, that starts my mind thinking. Produces a desire for stimulation and satisfaction. The vast majority, certainly in terms of individual events and the way I understand compulsive behaviour worked with me, were to have some sexual stimulation (porn, camgirls) for masturbation and subsequent relief. Escorts would be for a similar, though physical sexual, relief.

Some urge events would be a simple sight: an erotic scene in a film, a girl in a summer top – and I think these in a ‘healthy’ life are quite normal. Films (some) are designed to arose, having a quiet contemplation about a pretty girl no problem. The problem comes when they start a compulsive chain – in my case going and looking for porn, starting a camgirl session, and with it being compulsive, having little or no regard to the consequences.

Other events are rather more emotionally driven: a bad day at work, an argument. Here its not the event that stimulates, but the frustration, anger or similarly emotional response. “I need/deserve some relief/enjoyment”. Coupled with some denial “what’s the harm with a bit of…”. Once started the pattern is much the same: porn/camgirls, if opportunity presents then escort.

Core identity – although I understand what is being asked, I must admit I find it hard to separate my core identity from the world outside. OK the material, possessions etc. easy enough, but not so family, friends and people in general. Its like “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?”. Somehow what I see as my core of caring, loving, thoughtful doesn’t exist without someone else to care about. I can think min terms of myself, but then being self-centred is something that doesn’t fit into a healthy life.

For a healthy lifestyle I see the core identity as the point of reference. Perhaps an example will help – I see myself as a caring individual. Or rather a caring member of society/humanity. I care about the environment, about people (some more than others!). So that’s in the core, from which springs a number of values to guide my attempts at moving to a healthy lifestyle. There will also be the opposite in the core, selfishness perhaps. Whilst I don’t see myself as selfish, ie my vision of my core identity, I realise I have done selfish things.

So as I move along and understand value-based experiences there is a process, ie a past experience is looked at, is seen to conflict with my values, perhaps selfish rather than caring. This I understand to not be my core I think of it. The core evolves, selfish becomes caring, and my future actions can then match what I really want to be, and most importantly, be seen to be.

I think I’m better in tune with my core identity than I was when I was acting out. I’m seeing how I ‘bent’ my values to convince myself that what I was doing was ‘OK’. I’m not sure I looked at it like that at the time, but looking back its clear that what I was doing was not in tune with how I would have described myself. Perhaps I’m just trying to deny having been a ‘bad’ person. Either way that was then, and now I see a much clearer path.

A compulsive ritual, with principal emotions

1. Frustrated by difficult work tasks.
a. Frustration
2. ‘Triggered’ to look at porn on the internet.
3. Fantasy develops.
a. Anticipation
4. Find more porn that exactly matches the fantasy
a. Anticipation
b. Achievement
5. Look for camgirl to ‘enact’ the fantasy on the internet.
6. Find two camgirls online who appear suitable for the fantasy.
a. Achievement
b. Sexual anticipation
c. Fantasy
7. Start camming with one.
a. Anxiety
b. fulfilment
c. Stimulation
8. Fantasy doesn’t develop particularly well.
a. Frustration [Loop to #1?]
9. Switch to other camgirl.
a. Anxiety
10. Good match to fantasy.
a. Stimulation
b. Achievement
c. Fulfilment
11. Share the porn link and suggest we watch ‘together’
a. Anticipation
b. Stimulation
12. Develop the fantasy to greater detail, more realistic, more explicit discussion
a. Achievement
b. Stimulation
13. Successful masturbation.
a. Sexual fulfilment
b. Achievement
c. Relaxation
14. Continue with camgirl after orgasm, discuss why liked, how it could be developed another time, how to make more realistic/explicit.
a. Stimulation
b. Comfort
15. Book another session, greater anticipation.
a. Anticipation
16. Look for further porn to be prepared, develop fantasy.
a. Anticipation
17. Finish camming, feelings of achievement.
a. Achievement
b. Comfort
18. After effects
a. Guilt
b. Worry

Removing elements – as I see the chain as a chain, removing an element effectively breaks the chain. That said 7/8/9 a kind of branch, the first camgirl not being so good, but that was luck of the draw having found two at 6 as to which turned out better. If the other had been chosen then the chain would have run through to completion.

Also 11/12 are optional, the added porn watching that provided additional stimulation. I think this an example of repetition building, ie the basic camgirl experience was ‘so-so’ and by adding porn it enhanced the emotional response and ultimately increased the fulfilment, or at least helped achieve the goal.

The point of no return came at 6/7 – having found a couple of camgirls and started with one, even if neither had been successful I think I would have been in the ‘loop’ and gone and found another until successful conclusion reached. That was the key point when thinking about it changed to doing it.

So the break point is going to find someone, camgirl in this case, could equally be an escort, or indeed porn for masturbation – the search on the internet, point 5. Having had the initial trigger from frustration or whatever, and given it occurs at a time of opportunity, i.e. home alone, then once I start actually looking for contacts the chain is ‘committed’. Breaking it before the internet search is key in my mind, there isn’t a ‘just having a look’ situation, at least not safely or rather I don’t feel strong enough yet to ‘just look’ without it leading to more. Hence the ‘child lock’ on internet connection. Its not that I can’t undo the lock, but having it there means any initial compulsive search is blocked and that gives time to think: ‘hang on a minute, do I really want to do this?’.

Revised chain based on healthy values:

1. Frustrated by difficult work tasks.
a. Frustration
2. ‘Triggered’ to look at porn on the internet.
3. Fantasy develops.
a. Anticipation
4. Find more porn that exactly matches the fantasy
a. Anticipation
b. Achievement
5. Look for camgirl to ‘enact’ the fantasy on the internet.
6. Before point of no return ‘stop and think’, this is not healthy
a. Anxiety
7. Find an alternative – make cup of coffee, go for a walk.
8. Complete ‘alternative’ task.
a. Comfort
b. Satisfaction
c. Achievement

Couple of thoughts on this. The above was drafted from just before the ‘point of no return’ as that was the place in the original chain where I thought I moved from ‘might do’ to ‘will do’. In practice, in my current state of recovery, it’ll be a little earlier in the chain. Having ‘locks’ in place on internet connection preventing the access to adult sites means there is no opportunity, at least by accident. So even if a trigger meant I compulsively go to the ‘net, I’ll have a pause for thought at 2/3. And I suspect more these days at 1, i.e. I’ve made enough of a recovery so far to realise when frustration, or similar trigger, occurs that the old path is not healthy. Just thinking that may be sufficient, or there are the alternative activities to hand.

Looking at the complete ‘urge’ situation from these lessons I’ve found another change in my approach. There are less sudden urges that can lead to acting out. I recently had a complete day working from home (which I do most of the time), but alone with my now retired wife out for the day. In the past that would have provided a good opportunity for internet based acting out, so the urge would come from opportunity, rather than a specific trigger.

This time I had the thought that a ‘home alone’ day was a possibility for unhealthy actions at the start of the day. There was no urge to go look, and indeed the internet lock provided some backup if needed. It was quite a comforting thought that it had gone through my mind, but I had no desire to act on it. I don’t think I can say ‘recovered’, but I certainly feel more confident that I can recognise the danger signs and take precautionary action as needed.

In summary of my current stage of recovery, I see three ‘levels’: firstly something like an affair is just not going to happen, its clearly unhealthy and not part of my values. It can’t happen suddenly or catch me off-guard. Similarly real life interaction, e.g. escorts. Secondly internet based interaction with women, i.e. camgirls/adult chat could be triggered, urged, but I like to think I’m in control and can replace with healthy activity. Thirdly that leaves internet porn and a vague thought that its not always unhealthy. The locks mean it can’t happen without deliberate action. I have the value that I won’t do/say anything I won’t admit to. I wonder if there is a ‘good’ place for porn. This is an area that still needs work and I’m sure the lessons to come will help.


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PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2019 3:42 am 
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Lesson 47

Realistic scenarios

1. Reading a book, an erotic scene triggers thoughts of past encounters.
a. Sexualisation

2. Watching TV, a sex scene that has a particular resonance with something in my mind.
a. Specific erotic

3. Away from home on work trip.
a. Opportunity

4. Visiting clients away from home.
a. Opportunity

5. ‘Home alone’ for a day.
a. Opportunity

6. ‘Home alone’ overnight.
a. Opportunity

7. Chatting with a colleague, just banter, but did she mean more?
a. Others lead

8. Walking along by the beach, catch sight of a young woman changing, her towel slips and a quick view of her breast.
a. Sexualisation

9. Travelling on a busy tube train in summer, notice a woman in summer top, some of her breast visible from the side.
a. Sexualisation

10. Reading the paper online, article triggers thoughts of ‘kink’ activity, e.g. Fifty Shades of Grey.
a. Unintended erotic

11. Chatting on the internet (email, text, chatrooms) with an individual and they say something that might be a ‘come on’
a. Others lead

12. Chatting on internet with someone I’ve been involved with in the past, or wished I had been(!).
a. Others lead

I’ve indicated on the list of scenarios what I feel is the lead cause/trigger and they fall into a number of groups. Whilst my intent with each is to create the break before the point of no return, I feel the groups have something in common that will influence my approach.

Sexualisation – here I mean that in my mind an everyday event is ‘filtered’ by my unhealthy thoughts. It’s not that I would ever approach the girl on the beach, but the glimpse of her breast leads to a train of thought, a compulsive train, to build on that sight and use it as a form of stimulation, perhaps then going and looking at porn and then masturbation. In a healthy mind one would see it, think ‘that’s nice’ (or not depending on taste!) and move on with a smile. And wouldn’t move around on the tube for a better view. So should it happen that’s the type of thought to have, to nip the process in the bud at the time of occurrence. I like to think that as I move on in recovery, I won’t be sexualising every sight, every nipple that that presses on a blouse, every wiggle skirt that passes by, and just enjoy the passing world as one would nudes in an art gallery.

Erotic – whether specifically designed to be or taken out of context – here I mean I see a scene, read an article or book, that has an erotic content. The healthy view is to take it at face value, to be aroused some maybe, but not as a trigger for compulsive behaviour. Maybe something to discuss with partner, and maybe that leads to something, no problem. But once again to realise the potential unhealthy path and not take that any further.

Opportunity – with these it is a fairly simple process, an opportunity for acting out presents itself. It’ll never, or very rarely, be unexpected in the sense that you’d wake up in a massage parlour. My partner might unexpectedly say she’s going out for a day, but it then needs some planning/organising to act out. So whereas I used to look for opportunity, to plan business trips to facilitate activities, now when opportunity occurs I just think ‘be aware’ and carry on with work or if needed alternative, healthy, activities. As opportunity was, I think, the biggest driver in my unhealthy lifestyle I feel very much aware of the possibilities, but also concerned to keep wary.

Others lead – here I mean some ‘come on’ is made by somebody else be it colleague, friend or stranger. Frankly I don’t think its very likely, so I suppose my fear is that whilst I’m likely to be pleased with the compliment, and in the past I would most certainly have reacted positively if only to ‘see where it’s going’, now I need to nip it in the bud and, politely, close the door. Although perhaps the least likely of these various scenarios (good), so maybe worrying unduly, I feel my emotional pleasure from being approached is most likely to override my preparation (bad). So I’d say this exercise, and making this list, particularly helpful in identifying the danger.

Overall, I think I’m reasonably well tuned into the ‘urge’ process. I have a good understanding of the possible triggers and whilst some compulsive trains could have a few steps before the point of no return, it strikes me as best to concentrate on the initial action and place the break/alternative action there.


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PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2019 3:16 am 
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Lesson 48

Role play – I find this relatively easy, partly because my work involves a lot of ‘what if’ type of considerations and partly due to a fair amount of role play in my acting out. I used as the example to work through the development of an affair with a friend or colleague, with them making the initial move. Whilst I think this a very unlikely turn of events (I should be so lucky) I felt that a good starting point so that I’m aware of how it might start and be wary and indeed prepared to deal with my emotional reaction should it ever do so.

Anticipation – I’ve had a couple of examples recently where I’ve spotted a potential urge situation occurring, mainly due to opportunity, and have spent some time looking at these in more detail.

Seeking opportunity – I applied this to looking at improving my work/life balance. I’ve been trying to do this for a while, having a couple of days when it was a deliberate focus/’seeking’ certainly had an impact.

Overall I think the three techniques were already in use to some extent, now I feel they are properly installed in the toolbox.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2019 2:53 am 
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Lesson 50

Facing a compulsive urge, recognising it as such, and making a values-based decision I can only see as positive. OK, maybe the decision is not what I would ‘like’ in terms of emotional fulfilment (most likely deciding to stop the compulsive ritual and seek some alternative), but if it is based on my values, which I know will lead to a healthy life, then the decision has to be for ‘my own good’ and better to cope with the temporary loss of immediate emotional satisfaction. Or rather to replace the (presumably sexual) satisfaction with one of achievement for having controlled the urge in a healthy way.

If I chose to continue, I can see the ‘positive’ of the immediate satisfaction, but now the negative of having given up the opportunity for a healthy response. A quick emotional release in place of a longer term gain. So really there is no question, far better to see the urge, and make the values-based decision.

Whilst I suppose some emotionally based decisions can be ‘good’, here we’re saying that values-based decision making is the best way forward. By definition it means that they lead to, and support, a values-based, healthy, lifestyle. I see it as a positive feedback: I select the values that support my identity, healthy values. Those values lead to ‘healthy’ decisions. The decisions support the lifestyle, reinforce the values as they evolve over time. Perhaps its not the actual values that evolve, but my understanding and application of them. The way my core identity leads my life.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 07, 2019 9:30 am 
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Lesson 51

I started the recovery process by going ‘cold turkey’ ie giving up all acting out and with a couple of exceptions, have manage to maintain that. I drew a line and said, for example, that all porn is bad and to be avoided on the basis that ‘just a little’ can lead to a lot, and back into my bad ways.

My main areas of activity were porn, internet based (camgirls and chat), and physical meets (affairs, massage, escorts). The values I have developed essentially lead to the test that I will not do anything that I am not prepared to openly discuss with my wife. I mean openly and fully, not just some half truth if caught out.

So… internet girls, affairs and escorts are clearly 100% out of the window. All clearly defined. With these, perhaps an opportunity (business trip) or event (colleague come-on) would be the start of what would have been compulsion. To my mind there is just the one stage (as soon as trip planned, as soon as realise colleague not talking work) where the decision comes in. Urge realised, would I be open about this?, answer no, move on. I suppose I may or may not discuss it, but I’d be happy to discuss it, that’s the point. A clear value, a clear decision, end of story.

I’m coming to the view that pornography is more complex. For now it remains on the no-go side of the line. That’s safest, and the above applies. Given the example in the lesson, as soon as the spam email is seen its deleted and that’s it. But I can see pornography can have a place in a healthy life. A source of enjoyment, maybe alone, maybe with partner. But there would have to be strict limits to not cause difficulties with time, cost etc. Also discussed beforehand that its acceptable. In that case the decision would have to look at the urge, was it caused by frustration, anger or similar. In which case porn is not the way to deal with it. Still a negative. This whole area continues under review. I have a feeling that the lessons will continue to clarify, and provide the tools to separate the healthy from acting-out.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:23 am 
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Lesson 52

The best situation that comes to mind is when dealing with my daughters, and indeed grandchildren. A recent, relatively minor, example being a phone call request from my daughter. Being the light of Daddy’s eye I jumped in the car and did her bidding without any great thought. The emotional was leading the way. A rational, values based, consideration (though values other than being supportive we’re really a factor here) would have had me suggesting alternatives that were less inconvenient to me, if more to her.

Actually, thinking about it a bit more, as I’d had a glass of wine, it did contradict my ‘no drive’ value, though I had considered it to the extent that I hadn’t had too much to drive. And also, if it had been anyone else, save the other daughter, I’d have said ‘sorry, can’t do’. The positive outcome, apart from the opportunity to remind her frequently of her silly mistake, is that I’m promised an upgraded Father’s Day present.

Looking at it a tad more seriously, I think it fair to say I was ‘aware’ that the emotional was leading over the logical/values. If I’d had a lot to drink, or some other serious difficulty, I would still have said no. So when it comes to family, grandchildren first, then daughters, I also enjoy being a slave to emotions. To me it’s a good part of that part of my life. There’s always a bit of the brain that’s sat there thinking ‘we’re wise to that twinkle in the eye’ and aren’t fathers hard wired for ‘pretty please’. When it comes to addiction/acting out, then obviously a different matter and the separation of emotions, the recognition that value based decisions have to lead the way.

-------------------------------------

As an aside there seems to have been little activity on the Forum. I know its said that if we hear nothing we’re heading in the right direction, it’s just I fear that I can’t be doing it perfectly and it would be reassuring to know, either way!


Last edited by john53A on Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:17 am 
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Lesson 53

Unhealthy masturbation – I’m angry, frustrated, perhaps due to difficulties with work. I’m not alone in the house. I think distraction/relief by masturbation will reduce the stress. I covertly find some porn, something kinky. I imagine doing the acts portrayed as I masturbate, door shut in my study, one ear open for being discovered. Afterwards I feel guilt, frustration at the far from satisfactory outcome, still stressed.

Healthy masturbation – I know I’m alone for plenty of time with no particular pressures to ‘do things’. I have some quiet time to myself. My mind wanders to sexual pleasures and pretty women. I find some quality porn displaying a loving relationship with some intense, genuine looking, sexual pleasures. I gently masturbate as I watch it, relaxing, enjoying and eventually cumming, more as a side effect than primary intent. I’m relaxed, calm, and enjoy the moment – mindful.

Sexual behaviour conflicts

Camgirl online – little harm, no physical contact v. acting out, financial/time implications.

Seeing a young woman in a bikini on the beach – noticing, admiring v. ogling/letching.

Fantasising about a sexual act – discussing with partner v. keeping it secret.

Seeking/watching porn – a reasonable thing if good quality, open about doing it v. acting out.

‘A little bit of porn’ – no harm v. slippery slope to other things.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2019 4:34 am 
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Posts: 68
Lesson 54

Value based – following an affair the person involved discovered that I’d also been acting out with escorts and asked me to have an STD test. The decision to do so was values based, honesty, support, health etc.

However some negative aspects as I was having it done in ‘secret’, the practicalities of arranging it, the fact that it related to pre-recovery actions, i.e. affair and acting out with escort.

Overall the positives (the test being negative) of knowing the outcome clearly outweighed the negatives.

Emotion based – the recent example I used of a request from my daughter. The emotional ‘yes’ rather than a logical/value-based ‘no’.

Positives included her thanks, though not the promised improved Father’s Day present hehe, the feeling of being ‘manipulated’ (for want of better) in a nice way. An inner smile at Daddy doing his best for his little girl (ha!).

Not a major decision, but I think it makes the point that emotional based can indeed be positive. Though I also think the values were in the back of my mind and I rather ‘chose’ to let them take second place knowing the positives would come through.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2019 3:33 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:16 am
Posts: 68
Lesson 55

Although not documenting the detail, I think its useful to record that I found this a productive exercise. I think I have a clear understanding of the emotional v. values-based in decision making (though the two aren’t mutually exclusive). I also believe I now have a good handle on the compulsive, and its consequences.

Looking again at past sexual events with these improved understandings has been informative. In terms of my actions then, and how they might be different now, but also in terms of the involvement of others.

Whilst I would now do things differently, and I certainly have many regrets, they also contributed to me, and the richness of my life.


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