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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 2:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Wow, July 7th was my last post.
In it I spoke about a lack of consistency the last few months have been lived as if to prove that point!
The facts are that I am in ways a million miles away from where I used to be in terms of compulsive behaviours but in another way its as if I could be right back there again.....
I'm tired of the struggle, the tug of war that I go through on a regular basis - should I or should'nt I......even then when I don't 'act out' I don't feel a sense of Victory which would help enforce in my mind making that values based decision.
I act out and feel relief, sense of accomplishment, excitement, fantasy and mental and physical stimulation (of course followed by Dissapointment, shame, regret and Fear about what the future holds)
When I don't act out - No on ethrows a party for me, there is no parade or even a high five.
I should be reenforcing how by making teh right choices I am strengthening my values and making me less likely to even WANT to act out but that has not been the case (or if it has only in small amounts)

So something needs to change. OI had great success with this progranm a few years ago before becoming complacent and slipping and then going back into the relapse cycle.

Part of teh difference back then was that I was consistent - every day. I vow to return and be more consistent with teh work here, I feel taht I know alot aout recovery, I could write a book on it but its putting it into action has been the problem - I seem to work in fits and starts.

So heres to diving back in.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:41 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 130
Ace wrote:
Wow, July 7th was my last post.
In it I spoke about a lack of consistency the last few months have been lived as if to prove that point!
The facts are that I am in ways a million miles away from where I used to be in terms of compulsive behaviours but in another way its as if I could be right back there again.....
I'm tired of the struggle, the tug of war that I go through on a regular basis - should I or should'nt I......even then when I don't 'act out' I don't feel a sense of Victory which would help enforce in my mind making that values based decision.
I act out and feel relief, sense of accomplishment, excitement, fantasy and mental and physical stimulation (of course followed by Dissapointment, shame, regret and Fear about what the future holds)
When I don't act out - No on ethrows a party for me, there is no parade or even a high five.
I should be reenforcing how by making teh right choices I am strengthening my values and making me less likely to even WANT to act out but that has not been the case (or if it has only in small amounts)

So something needs to change. OI had great success with this progranm a few years ago before becoming complacent and slipping and then going back into the relapse cycle.

Part of teh difference back then was that I was consistent - every day. I vow to return and be more consistent with teh work here, I feel taht I know alot aout recovery, I could write a book on it but its putting it into action has been the problem - I seem to work in fits and starts.

So heres to diving back in.


Hi Ace,

I re-read your post quite a few times an pondered how I could make some comments.
My natural reaction was to say "go back and start again" review you values and boundaries etc etc, but I am not sure how you would take it or if it will work for you.

My decision was to ask you to read this letter from Coach Jon, if you have not before and work out from there where you need to be.

http://www.recoverynation.com/main/addiction_letter.php

I hope it helps you

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:23 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Thanks for that Theseus

I hav'nt read that in a long time and found it helpful especially.

Quote:
All that matters is that, when you take an honest look at your life, you come to the conclusion that this is not the life that you want to lead. And that you commit yourself to changing it. The rest will take care of itself.


and

Quote:
Any recovery attempt that will be judged by how long you can stop performing certain compulsive behaviors will fail. Any recovery attempt that includes a reassessment of the individual's values, a conscious replacement of destructive behavior with that of constructive behavior, that focuses not on recovery, but on rebuilding a life that is both satisfying to the individual and productive to society is a recovery plan that, with the commitment of the one in recovery, will succeed. Every time.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:36 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
At the nmoment I feel I may be better off continuing the program where I left off rather than restarting it, but can restart it at anytime.
For me its about Commitment, like most things in life you get out of it waht you put in and in recovery I have been putting in about 51% of the effort I could be and thus have experienced about 51% of the improvements in my life that i need.
I'll restert at the last lesson I completed:
Quote:
Exercise 44
For a moment, imagine your life apart from your physical being...apart from your possessions...apart from your friends, your family and every other living being. What you are left with is your core identity. It is who you are. It is this identity that then allows you to relate to your physical self, your friends, your family... As you know by now, part of the role you must fulfill in transitioning away from addiction is to rebuild your core identity. This core identity — and your ability to isolate the addiction from it — is critical to urge control.

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?



A/. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have acted out in a sexually compulsive way that there was'nt at least one moment before, during or after the event that a part of me said STOP.
I believe that part is my core identity, the part that is tired of the shame - its a voice that I need to make louder and I hope to do that by throwing myself back into the work.
The core me does'nt want porn or other sexually compulsive behaviours in my life, it recognises that they provide no long term benefit but a short term rush followed by pain.

B/. I joined a tennis club with my family recently in an effort to invest more time and energy into our family, it is fun and healthy on so many levels. I feel a sense of togetherness shared enjoyment and a realisation that we are creating great memories. Activities like that will help build my core identity as a good man who does his best for his family.

C/. Sometimes when I engage in unhealthy activities I think a part of my core identity is driving it - a belief that I am an addict, will always be and I may as well just enjoy it rather than struggle and feel bad about it.
Then in teh aftermath I hear a voice say "Now told u so!"

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:48 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 380
Hi Ace,

Welcome back! I thought i would add to Theseus' helpful comments as reading your post felt very much like reading my own thread. I don't know if you ever read others' threads but if you look at my own last couple of posts you will see that my time away from RN was spent battling very similar demons to your own.

For what it is worth, i reflected and realised that the point was not getting to grips with the whole "should i or shouldn't I" but rather dealing with the underlying issue of allowing myself to get into a position where the temptation was given the opportunity to test me in the first place. If you wind it back, snuffing out any thoughts that have the potential to cause any temptation immediately when they arise mean that there is little or no effort required to manage them. The problems start when you allow yourself to picture the scene that acting out will represent and to sense the excitement it would potentially give you. So perhaps try and work out an action plan that will head this off at the pass and then, once engrained as a new habit, you will find that you will be replacing destructive behaviour with constructive behaviour rather than trying to stop compulsive behaviours as CoachJon suggests.

I, and i am sure others too, would be interested to see what your efforts on this produce if you are able to post them to your thread. Good luck with this.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:36 am 
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Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Hey Thanks L2R for the advice. Yes I do read others posts and I have recognised often how much of what you have written could be directly related to me. In fact after reading your last few posts it opened my eyes - one of the comments you made was about feeling like a phony as you had offered advice yet still struggled at times. That post encouraged me to dive back into recovery as I could no longer tell myself that "I am different" these other guys show up do the work, recover and move on with their lives never struggling again....Its more realistic for me to believe that this is something in some shape or form I may always have to "manage" but by managing it my life can be fuller and thus I will have less need for escape. Thank you for that.

Lesson 45

Map a compulsive Ritual:

1. Night before going out of town, notice thoughts drift to what 'I could do' while away - EXCITEMENT, DISSAPOINTMENT THAT I AM THINKING THIS WAY, FRUSTRATION THAT I AM STILL BATTLING THIS,
2. Plan my day but notice it is without true 100% conviction to make Recovery a priority - DISSAPOINTMENT
3. Get to work and it begins....FEEL SENSE OF DISSAPOINTMENT, NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY, FEAR - THAT THINGS WILL NOT WORK OUT, SENSE OF FAILURE, QUESTION WHETHER I SHOULD BE IN ANOTHER LINE OF WORK....
4. At some point in the day when my guard is down, log onto my phone and search escorts in the local area..EXCITEMENT, TINGED WITH SHAME AND DISSAPOINTMENT THAT I AM HERE AGAIN.....BUT I AM IN THE FUNNEL NOW EXCITED AND FEEL THE RUSH ANTICPATION OF WHAT MAY HAPPEN IN THE COMING HOURS....
5. Hear my core identity shout for a break, to take back control, but his voice is soft the addictive voice is louder and persuading 'think of how good it could be,,,,' STRUGGLE, SENSE OF TIREDNESS, DISSAPOINTMENT, INTRIGUE, ANTICIPATION
6. Begin scrolling though escort options to find the 'right' one......feel the tug of war of will I wont I - the core identity says No the addict says Yes.....he shouts louder, AS ABOVE STRESS BUT THE CHEMICAL RUSH IS FLOWING HARD TO PULL AWAY FROM IT, IT BLURS REALITY AND I WANT TO STARY WITH IT...SEE WHERE IT LEADS....
7. After anywhere from 20mins to many hours, I finally give up and recognise that if I don't mb I will act out in a worse way...I log onto a porn site and MB, SENSE OF RELIEF, PYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL HIGH FOLLOWED BY DISSAPOINTMENT, SHAME, FEAR OF WHAT LIES IN THE FUTURE........

6.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 8:00 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 380
Hi Ace,

Sorry for another comment but what you have said resonates so much with how i was feeling up until recently, i just wanted to make reference to something that you said.

Quote:
Its more realistic for me to believe that this is something in some shape or form I may always have to "manage" but by managing it my life can be fuller and thus I will have less need for escape.

When i arrived at RN i came full of hope that all of the answers were here and it would be an easy case of doing the lessons and then i would be fixed. As it happens the answers are all here but it isn't quite as easy as i had first imagined. You really have to get your head around some key points for it to all come together and if that does not happen straight away it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you won't get there. CoachJon makes reference throughout the workshop of each SA feeling like they are different from everyone else (including other SAs) and their uniqueness excuses their actions as if some overwhelming power is controlling them and they are therefore helpless to stop acting out. It is really important that you don't think like that. You are no different from me or the rest of the members on RN, you have issues to deal with for sure as indeed i have, but you can and you will change. You need to put effort in to fully absorb everything and apply it but if you do that then you will get there. More importantly you need to believe that and trust in it. Otherwise by just "managing the problem" it will always be there and it will come back and bite you. My behind is sore from all the biting but i have stuck with it and i feel like i have at long last turned the corner. For weeks now it feel totally different and i got to the point where i honestly didn't think i would ever get there. Believe me, it was worth the wait. I still have a lot to do but i feel like the back of it has been broken. A life of just managing the problem is no life at all and it is needless.

By way of another nudge in the right direction and to pick up on a point i made to you previously, in your compulsive ritual that you have mapped (completely resonates with me too) you come to Point 4 and refer to the problems starting when your guard is down. Ask yourself what would happen if you made a conscious effort not to let your guard down and to be fully alive to them at all times. If you are practicing self-awareness then the negative emotions in Point 3 should already be triggering some alarm bells in your head and to expect a pull to improve your emotional state. So an action plan that immediately heads off anything from Point 4 onwards means that you have zero time to dwell on things that you shouldn't be and in that case there is no stress or trance to deal with. I fully appreciate that your ritual was shown in response to the lesson and i don't want to take away from where CoachJon is leading you in the workshop with that but it just struck a chord with me that what you described mirrored what i was struggling with and these simple changes can work as well for you as they have for me. You have to commit 100% and be stubborn in your refusal to allow yourself to dwell on any inappropriate thoughts.

Good luck with it my friend, you will get there if you choose wisely.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 9:54 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Thank you L2r for your considered advice,

It is shocking to me how some days I feel like I have this under control and then others when ' the rush' comes I feel like grabbing my phone and escaping to fantasy so easily. That proves to me that things certainly are not anywhere near 'under control' and I need to act with more Ungency when the 'waves' hits.
Lesson 45:

Quote:
A. Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act. If you would like, use the following worksheet to help you: Mapping a Compulsive Ritual


1. At work, at my desk feeling BORED, ANXIOUS that things will not work out, either Im not currently making enough money or the future will be chanllenging, feel the need for ESCAPE....
2. Browsing Escort site son my phone is top of my list it enters my head automatically - I feel the first sense of EXCITEMENT/ ANTICIPATION - my mind rushes to the colours of my favourite website.
3. Feel sense of dissapointment...WTF is happening??Earlier today I was busy and even investing time in 'recovery' work yet here I am again - I want to throw all that away and just delve into teh world of Fantasy....who knows how Good it could be?? DISSAPOINTMENT, FATIGUE, RISK OF BEING CAUGHT, SHAME I am here again....
4. My 'core/ authentic self' recognises that this will not end well but now to some degree the door has been opened - I am trying not to look in but a part of me is already out of control - I enjoy drifting into the possibilities - EXCITEMENT, COMFORT, DANGER, INTRIGUE - who could be available in my area/...perhaps it will be the perfect one!!!!
5. Notice the moment I throw in the towel, I am beaten and don't even want to fight it = I feel I have already been fighting it and am worn out....there is a surge of adrenalin and suddenly my energy improves enough to sit up straight, lock the door and get ready for an adventure!....SUBMISSION, SURRENDER, RELIEF, EXCITEMENT
6. My heart beats faster but there is this very annoying nagging voice telling me that I don't really want to do this....I wish it would STFU....but at teh same time my core recognises that it is the voice that i should actually be listening to......SHOCK, DISSAPOINTMENT, EXCITEMENT, FOCUS
7. As soon as the first page is opened I am not going back , never have....I search my local area, then further afield, then for a particular 'type' this can go anywhere from 5mins to a few hours depending on the time I have available.....EXCITEMENT, STIMULATION, FANTASY, ALIVE, tinged with DISSAPOINTMENT and REGRET
8. Usually take my cue from that site to search on a porn site for a particular 'type'..Convince myself that MB is a much better alternative to actually meeting someone.......I am so would up now I usually MB and finish very quickly partly because I am wound up and partly because I know when I do it can finally end and I can get back to 'normal' DRIVEN, FOCUSED, INTENT, COMFORT, ESCAPE, EXCITEMENT, DANGER, FATIGUE, DISSAPOINTMENT, REGRET and SHAME
9. Try and get back to normal but now have a hangover that will last for days........SHAME, REGRET, FEAR of the future

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:27 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Quote:
B. For each element, consider the likely impact that removing that element from the chain would have on the remainder of the event. Remember, decreasing immediate emotional pleasure (through guilt, fear, suspense, anxiety) is a technique used to ultimately increase the overall pleasure experienced during the act.


Quote:
1. At work, at my desk feeling BORED, ANXIOUS that things will not work out, either Im not currently making enough money or the future will be chanllenging, feel the need for ESCAPE....


If I were to remove the BOREDOM and ANXIOUSNESS I would of course be less likely to 'seek relief/escape' through these behaviours

Quote:
2. Browsing Escort sites on my phone is top of my list it enters my head automatically - I feel the first sense of EXCITEMENT/ ANTICIPATION - my mind rushes to the colours of my favourite website.




The excitement and anticipation is part of the drug - sometimes just as powerful or more so than the actual event, if it were removed I would be less likely to continue down that path.

Quote:
3. Feel sense of dissapointment...WTF is happening??Earlier today I was busy and even investing time in 'recovery' work yet here I am again - I want to throw all that away and just delve into teh world of Fantasy....who knows how Good it could be?? DISSAPOINTMENT, FATIGUE, RISK OF BEING CAUGHT, SHAME I am here again....


Interesting I just read Coach Jons advice that the above feelings will heighten the feelings soon to be obtained from acting out. If I did not have them or reduced them by forgiving myself for having these struggles and recognised that those emotions put me on the precipice of acting out - it helps me to recognise how dangerous they can be....So if they were removed I may be in a better place to stsy strong and choose wisely....

Quote:
4. My 'core/ authentic self' recognises that this will not end well but now to some degree the door has been opened - I am trying not to look in but a part of me is already out of control - I enjoy drifting into the possibilities - EXCITEMENT, COMFORT, DANGER, INTRIGUE - who could be available in my area/...perhaps it will be the perfect one!!!!


If these were removed, I would be less likely to act out - they are the flame and I am the moth!! Its teh disconnect that puts me more 'out of control'

Quote:
5. Notice the moment I throw in the towel, I am beaten and don't even want to fight it = I feel I have already been fighting it and am worn out....there is a surge of adrenalin and suddenly my energy improves enough to sit up straight, lock the door and get ready for an adventure!....SUBMISSION, SURRENDER, RELIEF, EXCITEMENT


I'm unsure ow to comment on this - if removed I would not get that sense of relief of teh struggle or excitemnet of a reward....

Quote:
6. My heart beats faster but there is this very annoying nagging voice telling me that I don't really want to do this....I wish it would STFU....but at teh same time my core recognises that it is the voice that i should actually be listening to......SHOCK, DISSAPOINTMENT, EXCITEMENT, FOCUS


If this was removed I would not get so low and correspondingly get such a reverse High from acting out...as a friend of mine likes to quote "Happy people dpon't stick needles in their arms"

Quote:
7. As soon as the first page is opened I am not going back , never have....I search my local area, then further afield, then for a particular 'type' this can go anywhere from 5mins to a few hours depending on the time I have available.....EXCITEMENT, STIMULATION, FANTASY, ALIVE, tinged with DISSAPOINTMENT and REGRET


If this was removed I would get neither the HIGH HIGH or the LOW LOW........I think I need to learn to be more comfortrable sitting in discomfort

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 3:21 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Quote:
8. Usually take my cue from that site to search on a porn site for a particular 'type'..Convince myself that MB is a much better alternative to actually meeting someone.......I am so would up now I usually MB and finish very quickly partly because I am wound up and partly because I know when I do it can finally end and I can get back to 'normal' DRIVEN, FOCUSED, INTENT, COMFORT, ESCAPE, EXCITEMENT, DANGER, FATIGUE, DISSAPOINTMENT, REGRET and SHAME


If I did not search on a porn site I may use something else to get off such as videos on the escort site or you tube video . I recognise once I have gone this far there is usally no turning back.

Quote:
9. Try and get back to normal but now have a hangover that will last for days........SHAME, REGRET, FEAR of the future


One of the biggeset downside of acting out is that it sows the seed for the next time.Like anything - each time you practice it - the easier it becomes.....

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 4:34 am 
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Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Lesson 46:
Quote:
A. In the long run, addiction is eliminated by altering the existing compulsive behavior (destructive, based on immediate emotional needs) to more stable, constructive chains that solidify the foundation of your life in a progressive manner. Before such compulsive chains can be reversed, it is necessary to begin mastering the ability to reverse single compulsive rituals. Begin this process now by considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceeding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response. Share this in your recovery thread.


Step 5 is the point of No return in the compulsive ritual I wrote about. It encompassed 1. Having the trigger. 2. letting it develop, 3. Allowing guilt about having those thoughts to further change my emotional state making escape necessary.. 4. A continuation of those thoughts and minimising the voice shouting to stop.
They all seem to happen at once, quite fast, I can struggle but if teh opportunity is there will often act out.
Rewriting the rest of the chain then:
I realise the point of No Return may actually be earlier than step 5 as if I stop then I will have a feeling of 'missing out' on something whichis counterproductive as it will set me up for a fall later.
So from Step 3 instead (when the thoughts are developing and then the shame ,guilt arrives)
Step 4. RECOGNISE WHAT IS GOING ON. I AM HAVING A MOMENT OF EMOTIONAL DISCOMFORT AND MY AUTOPILOT IS STEERING ME TOWARDS IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION. IT HAS ALSO ASUTOMATICALLY TINTED TEH WINDOWS IN TEH COCKPIT SO THAT I CAN'T SEE OUT - IF I COULD I WOULD CLEARLY SEE THAT WE ARE FLYING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO MOUNTAIN TOPS AND SEEK A COURSE CORRECTION.
5. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND ASK WHAT OTHER OPTIONS DO I HAVE? - CAN I SIT WITH THIS DISCOMFORT? WILL IT KILL ME? WHERE IS THE PAIN - EXACTLY?
WHICH ONE OF MY VALUES - HEALTH, CONNECTION, FINANCE - CAN I REDIRECT THIS ENERGY INTO ?
I TAKE A WALK AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER OR MAKE A PLAN OR THE GYM LATER.
6. GET THROUGH THE URGE AND FEEL A SENSE OF RELIEF AND SURPRISE - IT WAS'NT THAT HARD AFTERALL!
7. RECOGNISE THAT I FACED A CHALLENGE AND DEALT WITH IT IN A MATURE WAY - APPLAUD MYSELF FOR THAT - ALSO RECOGNISE THAT THE MORE OFTEN I WALK THIS PATH (CHOOSE HEALTHY OUTLETS) THE MORE LIKELY THEY WILL BECOME THE NEW DESTINATION SET ON MY AUTOPILOT.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 4:48 am 
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Location: Ireland
Lesson 46 (contd)
Quote:
B. Initially, this may feel awkward. The emotions derived from a compulsive act is often much more intense than that capable of being achieved through long-term values. And while there are ways to address this, know that it is similar to switching from Coke to Diet Coke (or Pepsi!). It may taste unappealing at first, but stick with it and you will soon wonder how you could have ever liked the taste of the original.


I think I'm at a point on my recovery where I still need to write out my options when the wave comes . I had a couple of waves today whne the thought of acting compulisvely to rebalance my emotional state appeared a reasonable propsition but just white knuckled it and came here.
Now, after completing the last excercise I feel good. I know it wont always be that easy but its showing me another option. Also the way Coach Jon explained it is excellent.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2019 4:23 pm 
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Posts: 130
Location: Ireland
Wow what a day. Just when I think I am making progress I have a set back.
I am away tonight in a hotel room. This has always been a major trigger for me but because lately I have taken it in my stride I did not PLAN out my day as much as I should but I kind of feel that even if I had a would have slipped.
I had read through the next lesson and was dissapointed to realise that I am still very much a 'beginner' in recovery rather than a 'master' as Coach Jon had described.
Having walked the path of recovery for so long it is easy for me to believe that I have 'been there done that'. The reality is I am still very much a beginner and succumb to easily to the thoughts of fantasy.
It began before I even arrived at my destination, I scrolled through the phone viewing available escorts in teh town I was visiting.
After 20/30 mins of that I felt that the 'urge' had been satisfied by browsing - it had reduced from an 8 to a 4 but as it had been fed that 4 began to grow as the day went. I wont go into details but as its now nearly 10pm as I write this I must have spent 4 hours today scrolling through the various massage escort options.
It was exhausting.
The one positive is that I am here, in my hotel room writing rather than either contacting any of the above (I was very, very close) I usually then 'give in' to a porn site and mb as a 'least worst alternative' but will do my best not to and try to at least finish the day with a partial victory.
It is very easy in my current mindset to just throw the towel in and seek relief not just for teh compulsion but now also for those heavy feelings of failing, betrayal and dissapointment.

The last lesson reminded me that those feelings simply add to the strength of the pull towards acting out so I must try and focus more on the relief of not taking things further.

I read L2R's thread and when I read
Quote:
As always, the number of moments where i see something quite normal that immediately by association evokes a memory or fantasy in my head are too numerous to count but these are now being extinguished almost before they happen. I have found that this means that there is little or no stress in managing them away as they have insufficient time to have any effect on me.


This statement about having little or no stress in managing them was quite depressing for me to read as I feel a million miles away from that.
Instead of being able to manage teh thoughts that I had - they took over my thinking and it has been an EXHAUSTING day.
I wish that one day I could reach a point in my life that I can go away on these business trips and feel confident that of two things 1. That I will be able to handle any urges that arise. 2. The urges will be less frequent and less powerful.

Just wishing for it obviously is'nt enough. So here I am continuing with recovery but its shocking at times how easily I could be back where I once was.

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"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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