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PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2020 12:21 pm 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 1 Exercises:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:

    1. actively committing yourself to change
      The hardest part for me here would be being consistent in making time to following through lessons on a daily basis. So does that mean I'm not committing to recovery... I don't think so, I just know I tend to be very diligent in that I read every word and do everything perfectly. I also tend to be more motivated at the beginning of something and a 90 day program is a long time to be motivated. I just need to be aware of these two things as I go through the program. The last thing I want to do is drag this program for years and years to complete.

    2. not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
      I don't believe this will be a problem

    3. allowing yourself time to change
      I know things won't happen as fast as the snap of a finger, and what I'm more interested in is to see that I'm progressing forward.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.
    • I want to be genuine with people without hidden parts I'm not willing to share
    • I want to be the best husband I can be for my future wife
    • I want to be the best father I can be for my future kid
    • I want to focus my time on developing myself
    • I want to be accountable to myself in that I wouldn't do in secret what would be shameful if it became known
    • I want to live a fulfilling life
    • I want the emotional capacity to connect on a deeper level with friends
    • I want to be confident in the person I am
    • I want to have a solid foundation of my identity in Christ
    • I want to be able to connect with and express my emotions
    • I want to be able to express how I feel
    • I want to be financially independent

C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development.
    Looking back I can see the detrimental effects this addiction has played in my life. I find it a struggle to connect with people on a deeper level. I seem timid at times, especially with women I find attractive, or even men who, in my mind, are better than me. I'm very reserved in asking anyone for anything for fear of rejection, even with the simplest things like getting something for me or helping me with an errand, so I usually do things on my own and miss out on developing relationships through this small connections/interactions. I would describe myself as a sensitive person on emotional level, however I've learned to never let these emotions be known. I've learned to sound robotic and be just brutally honest where I may hurt people with how forward I am not realizing how what I say may be interpreted by the other person.

    I was looking at a young picture of myself to connect to my young self. I was thinking of that little boy's innocence and how I've failed him and how my decisions have led that little boy to become the man I am today. And I just wept for that little boy in the moment, and I made the commitment that in the same way my actions failed that little boy before.... now my actions will lead that little boy to victory and success. And that little boy will be a man I can be proud of and he will be an inspiration to others.

Value-able Words
    #integrity #self-respect #identity #dignity #confidence #gentle #violate

To do list:
    • update vision to include to better reflect relationships outlooks
    • also include thoughts on more intimate kind of relationships I would like to develop


Last edited by Jsaves on Thu Oct 22, 2020 12:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2020 1:18 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 250
Welcome to RN Jsaves,

The workshop is difficult, but it is proven to work if you complete it.
We recommend that you try and do about 3 lessons per week although some take longer to complete.
You said
Quote:
1. actively committing yourself to change
The hardest part for me here would be being consistent in making time to following through lessons on a daily basis. So does that mean I'm not committing to recovery... I don't think so, I just know I tend to be very diligent in that I read every word and do everything perfectly. I also tend to be more motivated at the beginning of something and a 90 day program is a long time to be motivated. I just need to be aware of these two things as I go through the program. The last thing I want to do is drag this program for years and years to complete.


You said you are diligent and that's good, it is well worth reading others threads and posts.
One thing about recovery though! It is not a 90 day project and certainly not a quick fix, the workshop is the starting point to help you to change to a healthy lifestyle.
Lastly if you are unsure or need help just ask, there are plenty mentors and coaches on here.

Wishing you good luck on the journey.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2020 1:26 pm 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 2 Exercises:

A. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.
    I want to have a solid identity. One that is rooted in the bible and Christ. I want to exude confidence. And I know I won't have the same confidence level in all situations, but I want to be able to realize that at those moments and avoid the thought that I'm any less of a man, but instead have the confidence in my identity.

    I want to be real and genuine with people all the time. That's not to say I have to be an open book to everyone, of course not, I still have my privacy and that's mine to share with whomever I chose. But there is no hidden parts that if they were made know would be shameful. I will be accountable to myself and everything I do will be dignifying and respectable in my eyes.

B. OPTIONAL If you have someone in your life to talk with about this vision, consider talking with them.
    skipped for now, might do it when I get a change

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. There is no right or wrong to this vision... though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.
Quote:
I want to trust God more, and develop that relationship with Him. He cares for me and watches over me and protects me and desires for me to succeed. And so I devote to not only read the Bible for the sake of reading it, but to analyze it and think critically about it, as well as spending time in prayer and simply talking with God and listening for His direction in my life.

I devote to be real and genuine with people, and to speak my mind. To be myself "the real me", and not concern myself with what others think about me. When my identity is based on other people's perception of me it does not work, it's fake and dull and uninteresting, there's nothing for them to cling to. I devote myself to be strong in who I am, to speak firmly on what I believe, while being gentle and respectful as to not push friends away. I really need to actively monitor my responses to people, as I've been made aware that I can come off as crude, uncaring, and robotic even though I don't mean to.

I devote myself to improve my speaking ability in order to overcome my timidity and fear of stumbling when I speak (again what are people thinking of me).... but it's not about that.... I want to be better for myself and not for other people. I will do this through reading the bible out loud to practice emphasis and enthusiasm and tonality, keyboarding practice, tongue twister exercises, and some exercises I have yet to try from http://write-out-loud.com.


Last edited by Jsaves on Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2020 3:31 pm 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 3 Exercises:

A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items.

Quote:
Spirituality
    • read bible daily
      -read at least one chapter in morning or evening
    • noticing God's work in my daily activities
      -take some time at night before bed to reflect on the daily activities and how God had a part
    • have an attitude of generosity and helping out
      -I think this needs to be developed over time... but I would say I just need to have a positive outlook on life and to pay attention to situations that have the potential to make a big emotional impact and to be sure that at those times i make the decision to have the right attitude

Personal Growth
    • developing intellectual depth
      -when I watch videos discussing ideas, I need to pay attention to what is said, and following the video, I need to try to reconstruct what was said.
      -join in for Wednesday and speak
    • developing emotional intelligence
      -listen to boundless podcast whenever I'm in the car driving
      -be uplifting when interacting with people

    • experience in conflict resolution
      -this again comes with practice, I need to recognize when I'm in a conflict and select what the best win/win solution would be

    • improve elocution, be eloquent in speech - tonality - etc
      -elocution exercises
      -tongue twisters from write-out-loud.com

    • story telling

    • a true reflection of me, be genuine, speak my mind
    • understanding that other's have their own point of view and be gentle and respectful but not timid
      -sometimes I come a bit too strong, as in, I'm 100% right and there's no other option, I need to tone it down and present the issue in a less emotional way
    • build confidence

Relationships
    • developing sustained friendships
      -I tend to be loaner because it doesn't take any effort, and it's very easy for me to not connect with friends in days or weeks. I need to connect through small touches
      -send a text to see how a fiend is doing
    • showing appreciation toward others
      -acknowledge when I notice something I appreciate about them
      -be sure to avoid flattery
    • bring joy to others
    • being vulnerable at the right times
      -I think this goes back to being to speak well, and convey ideas well, and have them be organized, that have the emotional expressiveness to pull it through
    • improve social interactions
      -know how to continue a conversation branch, and know when to end the conversation

Intimacy
    • desire to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable
    • feeling to be known and wanted
    • feeling sexually desired
    • sexual intimacy

Personality
    • being playful
    • sense of humor
    • smile more
    • living an exciting life
    • living an adventurous life

Need
    • being needed, desired, and loved
    • being respected
    • desire to be heard
    • desire to be known

Financial
    • establishing financial freedom
    • being tenacious in my pursuit of trading
      -trade everyday
      -need to pay attention to emotions if it's a negative day
      -need to recognize a loss before it turns into a bigger loss


Last edited by Jsaves on Mon Nov 23, 2020 1:09 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2020 12:38 pm 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 4 Exercises:

A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization — not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.

    Done

B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread. Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.
    top values from: http://www.recoverynation.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=25410#p248657
    Quote:

    establishing financial freedom

    desire to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable
    feeling to be known and wanted
    feeling to be sexually desired
    sexual intimacy

    smile more
    being playful
    sense of humor

    developing emotional maturity
    developing intellectual depth

    improve social interactions
    improve story telling
    bring joy to others




Last edited by Jsaves on Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 2:00 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 93
Hi Jsaves!

I was reading about your vision and I felt that you have a solid faith in Christianity. I am a Christian too by the way and I admire your faith.

In terms of sharing yourself with the people around you, maybe you can add more on how you want to share yourself. Maybe you can build more on who you are by learning more about yourself, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes, etc. And also who are those people that you would allow to be in your life.

Recovery is really about building foundations that would be suitable to provide balance with the stresses of life.

These are just my thoughts about your vision, you will lead your own path on your recovery journey and you will significantly see progress as you continue and apply the things that you learn in this workshop. I hope you're doing great!

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2020 5:23 pm 
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@DanRecovers

Thanks Dan! Thinking on my vision and values, the biggest thing driving me is the addition I just made. That is the desire to be emotional intimate and vulnerable, to be known and wanted. And ultimately that will be with the person I get married to... and "feeling sexually desired" and "sexual intimacy" will play a part at that time as well. And for that to happen a whole bunch of other values need to come together in support of this... kind of "ultimate" value. As an initial step perhaps, I would like to develop a relationship with perhaps 2-3 strong Christians where I can be those first things.... "emotionally intimate and vulnerable". I already have a one such relationship, and I will work on improving it. But I would like to develop even just 1 additional one. I believe having a close group of solid believers that I can be open with about "life" and personal struggles are a big part of a solid foundation. It just takes a lot of time and effort, but I need to take those steps!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2020 11:36 am 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 5 Exercises:

A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.

    Read the list seems good to me.

B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.

    I believe my values list reflects my decisions well at this point. Looking back every major decision kind of revolves around seeking relationships, growing as a person, desire to be close with someone (relationship that has more depth to it), building my trust with God. I'm really looking for one major thing in my life... and that is being married... Everything else just kind of builds up to make those one thing happen, whether that is personal growth or financial stability, etc.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother' — whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.

    I've tried to break down every "universal value" if you will, into it's more actionable pieces that I can use everyday.

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

    I had some trouble with this question and I posted my concern for clarification here: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=25415#p248746

    But now that I'm going over it again I'm thinking the question is phrased incorrectly, and perhaps it should say "To be successful in recovery, you will need to derive your life's meaning and fulfillment from 75% of these values across any given week or so". That would make more sense actually!


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2020 9:47 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3987
Location: UK
Hello JS
you wrote
Quote:
It just takes a lot of time and effort, but I need to take those steps!



Sorry to say that there is no evidence of you walking the talk?
Why?
What do you have to lose?

Do this for you and do it from today, PLEASE :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2020 1:12 pm 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 6 Exercises:

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).




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PostPosted: Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:26 am 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 7 Exercises:

A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

Do NOT allow yourself to become overwhelmed with this task. Each action plan should probably take you between five and fifteen minutes. Some of the most complex (like those pertaining to partnership) may take you up to thirty minutes. What you share in these plans will not be used all at once — so don't worry about what you 'can and can't do'. Focus instead on what you think needs to be done.

Over the next week of lessons, you will be switching your focus to other areas of recovery. These lessons will be important (especially if you are in a relationship), but not critical to your recovery. This is by design. If it takes you a week to complete all of your proactive action plans, so be it. The goal is to have them done by the time you get to the Health Monitoring I lesson. But, to work simultaneously on other lessons as you go...not to put your efforts on hold until they are done.




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PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2020 8:00 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 93
Hi Jsaves!

I have read about your list of values and proactive plans. And in my opinion, I was in your state about a year and a half before. In my case, I have been so idealistic about what I want out of my life and was literally boxed in on what I have written (meaning I didn't try to explore to relearn the things that I want for my life).

What worked out for me was trying out things, and recalling the things that I enjoyed before. Reconnecting with friends and expanding my social circle.

You don't need to live a perfect life. But what you need, is to live a life that you are satisfied with.
Remember that you always have a choice in the things that you do.
Keep going on this journey. And fingers crossed that the puzzle pieces will come into its right place.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2020 9:12 am 
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Another fellow Christian here in the same battle.

Just wanted to say you are not alone in your fight.

Also - I'm not sure if we are allowed to post links here, but as a Christian struggling with sex / love addiction- there is a Podcast that is helping me tremendously. You can search for "The Power of Purity".


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2020 1:17 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3987
Location: UK
2 morrow and other new members tempted to post similar to chat room platforms


For sure you were being supportive and meant well but posting in another's thread is strongly discouraged as per

Quote:
Just a reminder:

Know that while you are welcome to review other people's Personal Healing/Recovery Threads for possible insights and experiences to apply to your own healing, you are asked not to post directly into another person's healing/recovery lesson response thread.

Hugs -

Coach Sue

found in http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... 13&t=23183

no harm done indeed quite the contrary but for now please concentrate on your own journey, that said feel free to read and follow the experiences of others, learning as you go

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:46 pm 
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Recovery Workshop » Lesson 10 Exercises:

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

    I've noticed from analyzing myself that I tend to come across as defensive when asked questions that I don't necessarily want to give a direct answer to. I'm not trying to hide anything but I find it difficult to provide an answer that is both satisfying for me and for the one asking the question. When this happens it's my perception that I could come-off as defensive, distant, closed-off.

    So, I seem to go on the "all or nothing" approach described in this lesson. I either share everything unfiltered hoping to come across as genuine, but the way I present the information may make me seem harsh and sometimes disconnected. Or, I give a simple answer, "I'm fine", "I'm doing well", even though that may not be the case. And the latter has become such an automatic response for me and I really hate that it has.

    Other times I find that I avoid engaging with certain people or situations all together, for fear of "messing up"... stumbling over words, am I going to be able to get my point across, what's the best way to make my point, what point am I even making.

    But reading this lesson has certainly highlighted some things I need to work on, such as:
    • developing skills to be both spontaneous and emotionally vulnerable
    • my delivery of how I present being honest with others, aka communication
    • marking boundaries and being able to communicate those effectively

    I really like the following response examples from the lesson for when I don't want to answer a question directly. I need to work on incorporating these in my vocabulary:

    • 'I don't feel comfortable talking about that right now.'
    • 'That is personal.'
    • 'I did something that I know is wrong. I don't want to talk about the specifics, but I do want to make you aware that I am addressing it. When I get to the point where I can talk about this openly, I will.'


IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.
    • porn websites - unfortunately I can't block permanently

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.
    • in bed - on phone
    • in front of computer
    • in car - on phone


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